Some thoughts I had in February

I was crying out to God when I wrote this.  Deperately trying to cling to some hope.

2-18-07

You are the everlasting God. You lift me up like wings on eagles. The joy of the Lord is my strength. It is, it is, it is. God is all powerful. His power is made perfect in weakness. I feel so weak. I can do all things through Him who strengthens me. He gives me strength. I can make it through depression. He can do it. I can ride along. I can’t stop crying. It hurts so much. I feel like giving up. I won’t but I feel like it. Man do I feel like it.

I just spent time alone in my living room singing and listening to songs of praise to try to get my mind off how I feel. Someone suggested that I need to focus not on how I feel but what I know to be true. God’s word. Good point but I did not like hearing it. The way I feel is so overwhelming and it hurts so much. But God says He is with me, He will make me strong, and He will heal me.

So why haven’t I been healed yet. I have been struggling with depression for about half of my life. On medication for 14 years. You would think it would work already. I am feeling hopeless. But I believe in an all powerful God. How can I feel hopeless? It is so hard to cling to hope when you feel like poop. I know in my head that God’s Word is true and his power and healing are real but I don’t feel it. It is so hard to understand why I have to suffer with depression for so long. It affects my mind, my concentration, memory and I feel really dumb. I know I am not but I can’t seem to think clearly. Or maybe that is a result of the Fibromyalgia. Probably both.

I have a hard time reaching out to friends. Especially the older ones. I feel like a broken record. I have been dealing with this forever. I used to be better at pretending I was ok. Now people just think I am sort of quiet and reserved. But that is not me. Not the true to my core Carly. I miss me. I miss Carly. My mother in law said she enjoyed looking at the photos of me at camp and from High School. She said I looked happy. She said she could tell I was happy. It is not so much those places (although camp was amazing and had a lot of fun in high school) but that I was not depressed.

God please help me hold on. Thank you so much for my friends and family who love me. Please help me to learn whatever you want to teach me. I am so ready to live again. I want to truly live and enjoy my life. I have an amazing daughter and husband who have been getting the short end of the stick for too long. Thank you Lord. Thank you Lord for the many good things I have and thank you most of all for not giving up on me.