A note to my family and friends; this is a journal of my battle with depression. It is raw, it is real, and it may be hard to read at times. But this is all a part of my healing. It is powerful and therapeutic to have an outlet, and if God can use my heartbreak and struggles, how worth it this will be! If you feel led to walk this journey with me, please do. But please don't pick apart what I have said in the midst of a dark day, and use it against me. This is intended to be a source of processing the dark, while seeking the Light. If you are able to understand that, please join me on this journey back to health. Also note that I have no desire to hurt myself. My truest desire is to simply feel better.


Wednesday, March 24, 2010

My Breaking Heart

My heart is breaking a little bit today. My hubby and I are looking for childcare for our beautiful daughter. It would not be that big of a deal if I had some great job that I loved to go to every day. But I don’t. I am just too depressed to give my daughter the attention she needs. I have treatments on Tuesdays and Thursdays so I am not able to watch her at all on those days. I feel like a failure. I chose to stay home with her instead of working outside the home but now I have to have some stranger watch her. I feel so weak, so inadequate. Many people have offered to help watch her but I don’t want to burn them out.

Depression is an ugly monster. I wish I could just kill the beast. Where is God right now? He promises He is close and with me always but I feel so empty and alone. I am hurting. I hurt so much.

Please God I want to feel better. I need to feel better. I don’t like being so fragile. Lord hear my cries and answer my prayers. Thank you for your faithfulness.

“Savior, He can move the mountains. My God is mighty to save, he is mighty to save. Forever, author of salvation, he rose and conquered the grave, Jesus conquered the grave. You are mighty to save.”

“Holy is the Lord, God almighty, the earth is filled with His glory…..the joy of the Lord is my strength.”

No comments:

Post a Comment