I woke up today grateful for all that I have and hopeful about the day. Now all I want to do is go back to bed. I feel overwhelmed and blah. Overwhelmed, overwhelmed and overwhelmed. I am trying to figure out the best way to fight this depression. I know that there are emotional, mental, physical, and spiritual components. There is so much I need to do to make myself better and I have so little energy. I wish I could just go to sleep and wake up all better without the severe reoccurring treatment resistant depression I deal with every day.
I cried myself to sleep last night. I received an encouraging email from a new friend. When I read I just cried and cried. I am not sure why but I cried.
My psychiatrist is positive that I have a severly chemically imbalanced brain. My brain needs to be jump started so to speak. He is recomending that I do ECT treatment for my depression. I am not sure what I think about that. I am desperate to feel better but is there another step first. I researched depression recovery centers on line yesterday. I found one that I really liked but of course it cost a lot of money and insurance will not cover it.
I need to change how I eat. I need to exercise more, spend more time with God, journal, do more reflection and keep my house cleaner and less chaotic and so much more. There is just so much to do that I get overwelmed when I try to start making things better.
My depression hurts so much. I feel so alone even though I know that I am not. I have some amazing friends but I feel like I burden them. I have been depressed for so many years that I feel like they are tired of hearing about it and they want me to get better already.
I have hardly talked to God this week. That is probably why I am so ready to give up on today and just go back to bed. I keep telling myself "the joy of the Lord is my strenght." I have such a hard time decifering when I need to get over myself and push through, when my chemicals are out of wack and there is nothing I can do, and when I need to be obediant to God and praise him in my suffering. I think a lot of times is is all three.
Well I am giong to go read my Bible and pray. And if I still feel lousy I will take a nap. I suppose the dishes can wait.
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A note to my family and friends; this is a journal of my battle with depression. It is raw, it is real, and it may be hard to read at times. But this is all a part of my healing. It is powerful and therapeutic to have an outlet, and if God can use my heartbreak and struggles, how worth it this will be! If you feel led to walk this journey with me, please do. But please don't pick apart what I have said in the midst of a dark day, and use it against me. This is intended to be a source of processing the dark, while seeking the Light. If you are able to understand that, please join me on this journey back to health. Also note that I have no desire to hurt myself. My truest desire is to simply feel better.
A note to my family and friends; this is a journal of my battle with depression. It is raw, it is real, and it may be hard to read at times. But this is all a part of my healing. It is powerful and therapeutic to have an outlet, and if God can use my heartbreak and struggles, how worth it this will be! If you feel led to walk this journey with me, please do. But please don't pick apart what I have said in the midst of a dark day, and use it against me. This is intended to be a source of processing the dark, while seeking the Light. If you are able to understand that, please join me on this journey back to health. Also note that I have no desire to hurt myself. My truest desire is to simply feel better.
- Carly
- I am a 33 year old stay at home mom. I have a very supportive husband. I have been dealing with depression for half my life and have been on medication for 14 years. The meds are no longer working. My diagnosis is major reoccurring treatment resistant depressive disorder. I am desperate to feel better. Jesus Christ is my Lord and Savior. I believe He is all powerful and mighty but I often don't understand how my depression fits into His plan. I want to have hope but I am feeling hopeless.
Well, if you feel like all your current friends are getting too burdened from listening to you. You can always shoot an email to this old friend.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I find that when I get overwhelmed with things to do, I just write a long list of everything, even the little stuff (dishes, clean bathroom, etc). That way, at the end of the day/week, I can feel good about all that I've gotten done, even if there is tons more.
Love the journal idea. :)
-Joe Kattelus
I love you, Carly. You are not a burden. You are an inspiration. You are kind and generous. Always. No matter how you are feeling. You never whine or complain. It is not a burden to listen to what you are going through. In fact, I think you edit yourself too much and don't share as often or as much as you should b/c of this fear that your are a burden- that is a lie that satan has put in your head. Despite all that you are struggling with, if someone were to ask me who the most postive person in my life is I would say without hesitation: Carly.
ReplyDeleteCarly,
ReplyDeleteIt breaks my heart to know that you struggle with depression too. We went to high school together, we weren't close friends, but I have fond memories of you from classes. You were always kind, outgoing and never afraid to express your ideas and struggles. I hope that the blog helps you connect with others and share your burdens.
In my years of struggle with depression, I have found that the best thing is a support group and exercise. I attend a weekly group for depression and work out daily. I also moved out of Michigan to California, living in an area that is sunny most of the year makes such a difference. It helps to get me outside for walks, it brightens my day.
Know that you have touched so many people's lives without realizing it with your kind spirit. Routing for you!
-Classmate OHS
Please know that you are being prayed for and you are loved just as you are.
ReplyDeleteHi Carly,
ReplyDeleteI am a past friend of yours and I haven't seen you in a long time. I also struggle with depression, officially diagnosed 9 years ago. I struggled too with medication that doesn't work, until I was diagnosed 3 years ago with a "low grade Bipolar disorder". While it was a scary diagnosis, it made sense. I am now on Lamictal and Seroquel (an anti-psychotic and anti-seizure medicine respectively). I was able to start eating better, getting out of bed, exercising and relating to my husband in a way I was never able to.
My biggest struggle is my faith. I have been a Christian all of my life but also struggle with the "why would God give me this challenge?". You may not believe this, and I have a hard time too sometimes, but He gave us these challenges because we have the ability to deal with it with our strength and faith in Him. He gave us each other to love and to hold each other up in times of trial and suffering.
Love yourself, take care of yourself, and don't stop looking for a way to deal with this disease.
Love, Me
Thank you all so much for sharing such kind encouraging words with me. Those of us who battle depression often feel that we are alone but that is simply not the case. Thank you for taking the time to touch me with your words.
ReplyDelete