Today has been very hard. I once learned in therapy that it is more positive to say challenging instead of hard and I usually say challenging but today was just plain hard. While I was at home with my daughter I had the hardest time getting going. I could not get motivated to get dressed, wash my face or brush my hair much less do the dishes. I really just wanted to go back to bed. I woke up hopeful singing “This is the day the Lord has made. I will rejoice and be glad in it.” But when I could not get myself moving and get anything done my hope declined. Luckily I had to take my daughter a doctor’s appointment so I was forced to get out. I managed to brush my teeth and get dressed but no shower. V’s hair was not done because she was fighting me about it and I just did not have the energy to fight. Children are so smart. I think she can tell when I don’t have any fight in me and she takes advantage of me.
We stayed out most of the day. V had a lot of energy and I knew if we did not keep moving I would fall apart. I knew if we went home I would just want to sleep and she needed me to play with her. I was really tired today. I think it is from all the crying I have been doing lately.
As soon as someone asks me how I am doing I start to cry. Well sometimes I manage to say ok and get them talking about themselves. However if they pry at all I am in tears. I am just not doing well at all. Something has got to change. I can’t go on like this. I feel like there is no way I can make it through more days like this. I know I will with God’s help. I will make it but I just don’t want to have more days like this.
I feel like I need a break from life. I feel like I need some help. I need a break from life to actually be able to let the counseling sink in and not have to rush off to the next thing. Unfortunately there is no such a thing as a break from life.
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A note to my family and friends; this is a journal of my battle with depression. It is raw, it is real, and it may be hard to read at times. But this is all a part of my healing. It is powerful and therapeutic to have an outlet, and if God can use my heartbreak and struggles, how worth it this will be! If you feel led to walk this journey with me, please do. But please don't pick apart what I have said in the midst of a dark day, and use it against me. This is intended to be a source of processing the dark, while seeking the Light. If you are able to understand that, please join me on this journey back to health. Also note that I have no desire to hurt myself. My truest desire is to simply feel better.
A note to my family and friends; this is a journal of my battle with depression. It is raw, it is real, and it may be hard to read at times. But this is all a part of my healing. It is powerful and therapeutic to have an outlet, and if God can use my heartbreak and struggles, how worth it this will be! If you feel led to walk this journey with me, please do. But please don't pick apart what I have said in the midst of a dark day, and use it against me. This is intended to be a source of processing the dark, while seeking the Light. If you are able to understand that, please join me on this journey back to health. Also note that I have no desire to hurt myself. My truest desire is to simply feel better.
- Carly
- I am a 33 year old stay at home mom. I have a very supportive husband. I have been dealing with depression for half my life and have been on medication for 14 years. The meds are no longer working. My diagnosis is major reoccurring treatment resistant depressive disorder. I am desperate to feel better. Jesus Christ is my Lord and Savior. I believe He is all powerful and mighty but I often don't understand how my depression fits into His plan. I want to have hope but I am feeling hopeless.
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