A note to my family and friends; this is a journal of my battle with depression. It is raw, it is real, and it may be hard to read at times. But this is all a part of my healing. It is powerful and therapeutic to have an outlet, and if God can use my heartbreak and struggles, how worth it this will be! If you feel led to walk this journey with me, please do. But please don't pick apart what I have said in the midst of a dark day, and use it against me. This is intended to be a source of processing the dark, while seeking the Light. If you are able to understand that, please join me on this journey back to health. Also note that I have no desire to hurt myself. My truest desire is to simply feel better.


Wednesday, April 7, 2010

It's a Journey

I started writting this the other day but I never really finished it.

4-2-10

I woke up very anxious today. So I got up, got dressed and went for a walk. Exercise is usually good for relieving anxiety. I also did deep breathing exercises. I was feeling a little better but then V started waking up. She kept calling out to me saying she did not want to be alone in her room. She wanted me to cuddle her and stay with her. After a while she woke up fully but immediately started telling me she wanted to stay home with me. She kept saying that she did not want me to leave her alone at the babysitter’s house and that she did not want to go today. It breaks my heart and stresses me out.

Did we pick the right place for her to go too? Does she feel abandoned? And now I am back to feeling anxious. Putting V in daycare was supposed to reduce stress for a while so that I can focus on getting healthy. But every day starts out stressful when she begs me not to go.

I have been feeling quite a bit better lately.

4-7-10

I don’t really know where to begin today. The depression has been better but I have been more anxious. I have also been feeling really insecure. My mind is so foggy. I am having trouble making decisions and then feeling confident about the decision I made. I keep questioning the daycare that we chose to send Vienna to. I can tell she is having a lot of fun and is learning new things but I still worry. This is one of those times that I need to trust God and trust the decision Nate and I made.

I am still really struggling with motivation. I think I could sleep and watch TV all day if I let myself. I am definitely not letting myself do that. I have to push really hard to get myself going in the morning. My thoughts feel jumbled. It is also lonely being home all alone. I could go visit with friends but I have so many things that I need to do. I am feeling really overwhelmed and anxious. I can’t seem to focus on one thing long enough to finish a task. But I am trying. And I will not give up.

Fighting my way through depression is a journey. It will take time to change my thoughts and behaviors.
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