Am I a Burden?

Depression is interesting. I feel like I should be able to control it. I feel like struggling with it is a weakness. I know that it is my responsibility to fight it, to not succumb to it but should I be able to prevent it? I am a positive thinking person. I usually see the glass half full and I enjoy helping other people find the good in situations. Depression does not fit my personality. I used to wear a tee-shirt in high school that said Carpe Diem. I believed those words. I preached to my friends to seize the day. I still believe that life is precious and each day is precious. I certainly don’t want to waste time being depressed. So if I truly do not want to be depressed than why is it still an issue for me?

I believe in God. I believe He is good and loving and always faithful. I believe in the power of positive thinking. It is so important to keep thinking positive. It is so important to let my mind dwell on good godly things rather than negative sad things. But somehow sometimes my mind, body and emotions are taken over by the dark cloud of depression. I try to fight it. I try to push the feelings out of my mind, body, and heart but sometimes I just cannot do it. I cry out to God, I ask others for help and still sometimes I cannot seem to keep from feeling depressed. I just don’t understand this. I try. I try so very hard. I know that God is powerful and able to make me better. I know that I am a strong person (even though I feel so very weak) but my strength is not enough at times.

I try not to feel like a burden but it is hard not to. My husband has put up with so much since we have been married. When we first got married I was very sick with Fibromyalgia. I spent the first year of our marriage in bed. I was weak, tired and in a great deal of pain. I also struggled with depression. I felt so worthless. I was not able to work. My husband would leave for work with me in bed and then I would still be in bed when he came home. It was really hard to feel good about myself, to feel like a partner, like I had anything to offer him when all I did was lay around. I was not working outside of the home or inside the home. I was not cooking, cleaning or doing much of anything. I got so depressed being home in bed alone all day that I was forced to get a part time job. It was worth it to work with pain to get out of the house. I started out working twelve hours a week at a pre-school. My health slowly improved. Before my daughter was born I was able to work twenty-five hours a week. This was a huge victory.

As far as being a burden goes, I really am one. I cost our family a great deal of money with doctors bills, treatments, and medication. My health is a good investment. I just wish that I was able to contribute more. We have not started getting the bills from this current episode of depression but I know they will be high. Thank God for health insurance. However insurance does not cover everything. We still have to pay a percentage of my hospital stay, the ECT treatments, counseling, medication and doctors visits. It will be very costly. And unfortunately our medical budget is already maxed out.

I have not been contributing around the house much. My big contribution used to be caring for our daughter. I did not work outside of the home but by staying home with her I saved us the cost of childcare. Now because I am unhealthy she is in childcare. My parents are helping us with the financial burden but I hate being the burden!!!!! I don’t like having to depend on them for help. I don’t like not contributing to our family. It is really hard to not feel like a burden.

I watched the Hallmark movie last night. It was entitled When Love is Not Enough, The Lois Wilson Story. Bill Wilson was an alcoholic. He helped start the Alcoholics Anonymous program and his wife Lois started Al-Anon. It was a very sad but a beautiful story. Lois stuck by Bill even though he put her through so much! It took place back when they were just discovering that alcoholism was a disease. I related too much of the story. I continue to put my family through so much. My man continues to stick by me no matter what. I am so thankful for him. I understand that the kind of depression that I have is a disease and that I have a chemically imbalanced brain but I hate that my family is suffering because of me.

So where does this leave me? A burden or not a burden? Sometimes life is hard. It is full of challenges and this is my challenge. It does not do me any good to think or feel like I am a burden even if I am one. I am the woman that my husband chose to marry because he wants to spend his life with me. I am working on getting healthy. I have a great deal to offer my family even if I don’t feel like I do. I will cling to God and His promises of strength, courage and hope. I will cling to person that God created me to be, the positive, fun, loving, encouraging and intelligent Carly. Depressed Carly is not who I am. Depressed Carly is a temporary unhealthy version of Carly and I am working like crazy to get healthy. I will not give up. I will fight. I am fighting depression and I am fighting to win!