In Persuit of Joy

I need to get back to my gratitude list so here goes...

I am grateful for…..

1. The sunshine
2. Woods walks with my dog Jenny
3. The thoughtful and caring words I received from two women at church yesterday
4. My hubby
5. My daughter
6. My parents and other family
7. A kind, understanding and helpful therapist
8. Eating meals on our new front porch
9. God’s faithfulness to me
10. Hope
11. A clean kitchen table
12. I found our missing camera
13. Tie-dyed clothing, it makes me smile
14. My wonderful friends
15. Health insurance
16. I am not alone
17. Bananas, they are the perfect food

I am really worn out. I had a good appointment with my counselor today. I cried a lot and that was very therapeutic. Depression really hurts. I have been hurting the past few days but I felt guilty about it. I don’t have some big issue or loss that I am dealing with. It is just the same old severe treatment resistant depression that I have been dealing with for months and years. My counselor helped me see that it is ok to be sad. It is really silly to try deny that I am sad or to pretend that I am not hurting because I am really really hurting. I feel like I should be all better now. I was in the hospital, I take medication, I am having my brain shocked twice a week, and I am really really trying to get better. I am fighting. I am pushing on and I am not giving up even though I often want to give up. So why am I not better? Why am I still depressed? I worry about what my family and friends are thinking. Do they think I am not trying hard enough? Sure some days are bad days and I don’t fight as hard as I could but in general I am really fighting. I am so tired but I am still fighting.

As I cried and cried in my car this afternoon I was reminded of how much God loves me. I sobbed and He held me and told me He was with me. He also reminded me that He (God) wants me to be dependent on Him. He wants me to trust Him with my life. I will give in and say “ok Lord I give you my life” and then I snatch it back up again. I want to be self sufficient, in control, and not at all needy. Being needy has a negative connotation to it. But truly God created us to need Him and to need other people. We were not created to live on our own. We can survive on our own but not thrive. And God really wants us to live life abundantly, to thrive, and be full of joy.

“God I need you. I need your help. I need to not be depressed anymore. I am so tired and so weary. I give you myself once again. Take my broken body and spirit and make them whole again. Please give me strength. Please give me the courage to keep fighting, the courage to get out of bed when all I want to do is disappear. Thank you for your promises. I claim your promise of peace, strength, courage, joy, and hope. Thank you Lord for always being with me. In Jesus holy name I pray, Amen.”