The Earth is Filled with His Glory

Happy/Grateful List continued

45. I had a encouraging and uplifting phone conversation with a good friend
46. I really like my therapist
47. The sun is shining
48. Jenny-Dog and I enjoyed the beautiful day by taking a long walk
49. Crying releases toxins and it actually very good for us
50. Sadness only lasts for a while
51. I have a lot of people who truly care about me
52. It is nice enough outside to drive withe windows down
53. My daughter has lots of fun at daycare
54. I have really supportive parents
55. My husband still adores me

Today started out rough but I am doing much better now. I had such a difficult time getting going. I really wanted to be productive and get some cleaning done but I felt like I had lead in my shoes. I dragged myself out of the house and barely made it to my counseling appointment on time. I started crying in the waiting room. Each time I go I fill out a form that rates the level of my depression and anxiety. I knew I was much less depressed and anxious than the prior week. So why did I start crying. I was sad. I am so sad that my family has to go through all of this. My hubby is so worn out, my daughter misses me (the healthy fun me), and I am really hurting. I want the depression to go away. I am tired of being patient. I am tired of hurting so much. It is hard to explain the hurt but it is a physical, emotional, and mental hurt. A deep full body penetrating to the core of me hurt.

My therapist thinks I am making good progress. I just want it to be over. I want to feel whole and energetic capable and confident. I am ready to bless other people the way they have been blessing me. I want to laugh until my sides hurt. I want to feel free from this burdensome depression.

I am a bit apprehensive about this weekend. My Grandmother’s memorial is on Saturday. I will be seeing lots of people who are aware of my struggle. I have never before been this open about my depression. I have always tried to appear strong and okay. I cannot pretend to be that way right now because I just don’t have the energy. I am also tired of pretending. It takes so much energy to make yourself be “okay” when you are not “okay.” I have the feeling that as soon as someone asks me how I am doing in a sincere and loving manner that I will start crying. Crying is not a bad thing, especially at a memorial but I feel so vulnerable when I cry.

On the way home from therapy I sang my favorite praise song very loudly (with the windows open).

The words are…

“We stand and lift up our hands for the joy of the Lord is our strength. We bow down and worship Him now. How great, how awesome is He and together we sing (everyone sing,)
Holy is the Lord God almighty,
The earth is filled with His glory.
Holy is the Lord God almighty,
The earth is filled with His glory”

Today is a good day to declare God’s glory because it is a glorious day.