Depression freaking hurts! Seriously, it really hurts. I cannot believe how much it hurts. I am still surprised by the gut wrenching pain I feel on some days. I feel like I am starring in the antidepressant commercial that states,
Depression hurts!
Where does depression hurt?
Everywhere.
Who does depression hurt?
Every one.
Ouch it hurts. I have spent the past two days really hurting. Why? Good question.
I saw my therapist today and I was like a volcano spewing red hot raw emotion. I just kept erupting. I had so much to say, yell and cry about. It was good to get it out. No wonder they (therapists) get paid well, they hear a lot of awful stuff. I feel less toxic now. But man am I tired. I think I could take a four hour nap and still sleep all night.
One of the main emotions I am dealing with right now is anger. I am so freaking angry and pissed off at my body. Seriously, it needs to get the hint and GET BETTER! I have been working extremely hard on getting and staying healthy. I am exercising (sometimes twice a day), doing relaxation exercises (also known as guided meditation), praying, reading my Bible, having others pray for me, journaling, eating healthier, taking my medication, seeing my therapist, seeing my psychiatrist, stopping negative thoughts and replacing them with positive ones. I am setting goals and following through with them. I am trying not to make my to-do list to long (this is difficult to do because there is always so much to get done) so that I am successful each day. I am trying to be gentle with myself. I am doing my part. It is time for my body and brain to get on board with the Healthy Carly Project. I am so angry that I am still struggling with depression and anxiety.
I am also pissed off at my Fibromyalgia body. Exercising helps depression and anxiety. It also helps us stay healthy and maintain a healthy body weight. I am exercising a lot (as much as my fibro body will allow) and my body is not cooperating. It is not easy to get back into exercising when you are out of the habit and are out of shape. But I am making myself do it because I really really really want to be healthier. I am putting in the effort and my body is retaliating. I have had so much more pain since I have started walking longer and faster. So now my body hurts all over along with my painfully depressed heart and brain. I feel betrayed by my body. It is almost like it (my body) wants me to fail. It is like my body does not want me to be healthy, whole, energetic, and in shape. I know this is crazy. My body does not actually have thoughts of it’s own but it is sure making my life challenging.
Up until this week the depression has been a lot better but I had increased anxiety. I have found that the best thing to treat my physical anxiety is to exercise. I really want to go run and run hard to work all that yucky anxiety out. However, if I went running I would probably not walk for a week. So instead I walk. I am so pissed that I have shin splints from walking. Seriously, being sore from walking? What is that all about? Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I am just so angry at my body. I am asking you Body, will you please start working with me? I would really like for us to be on the same team.
I am thankful that I can walk. There are many people who can no longer use their legs or arms or other body parts. I am thankful that I have what I have. Now if I could just get myself to stop comparing myself with others I might be even happier with myself.
I am not sure what else is causing the increased hurting other than anger. I am just really tired of struggling with and fighting depression. I am ready to be victorious. I want my life back. I want to have energy to enjoy my life.
I had a glimpse of feeling better. I think that is part of why I hurt so much right now. I was feeling better and I feel like I have moved backwards. I was so excited to be moving forwards. I was so excited to feel capable and stable. Is stability really too much to ask for? It is not like I am asking to be some famous actress who makes tremendous amounts of money. I simply want to be mentally and emotionally healthy. I want to be a capable, confident and stable wife and mom. I am not even trying to be a super-mom. I will happily settle for being a productive creative thriving stay-at-home mom. I understand that I have limitations. Limitations are ok but depression is not ok. Not anymore!
Ok time to focus on what I am thankful for.
Happy/Gratitude List
291. The weather is gorgeous! It is cool enough to have the windows open. I love fresh air.
292. I got a hair cut today.
293. My therapist is really helpful.
294. My dog escaped out of our yard (under the fence) late last night. The great part is that she came home to us in one piece and without smelling like a skunk (literally).
295. V is getting very comfortable in the water and even likes going under water. She loves to swim like I did.
296. We get to go swimming tomorrow.
297. I get to see photos of Bethany's and Darci’s beautiful babies on facebook.
298. I get to take a nap after this.
299. It is Friday!
300. V’s favorite song is Trading My Sorrows. It is one of my favorites too.
301. She (V) frequently belts out the words “Joy comes in the morning…The joy of the Lord is my strength…I’m trading my sickness, I’m trading my pain, I’m trading them in for the joy of the Lord.” What could be more adorable and uplifting than that?
302. Wow! I have 300 things that I am thankful for.
Friday, July 30, 2010
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Frustrated
Today’s Happy List
280. I slept pretty well last night
281. I get to spend the day with my daughter
282. I am awake early enough to do a few things to help take care of my mental and emotional health.
283. Play date today with some wonderful friends
284. My friend Emily rocks!
285. Two of my friends have just had healthy babies. YAY!
289. God is with me.
290. “Joy comes in the morning” I am so thankful for this. Sometimes we just need a new day.
I am dealing with some frustration and anger. I was really feeling it last night. I am not exactly sure how I am feeling this morning. I just got up. I do know that I want to feel good and that I want to enjoy today.
I broke old dishes in my driveway last night. I smashed 3 of them into pieces. I was feeling so frustrated and pissed off. I did not want to stuff those feelings inside and let them fester. So I smashed dishes. It helped a little. I seem to remember it working better when I have done in the past. I any case I smashed the dishes instead of being crabby or screaming and yelling. Most importantly I let myself feel the frustration and anger instead of pretending I was ok which would set me up for more problems later on.
Why am I frustrated? There are a few things on that list. First, I had a really crappy day yesterday. I had planned on organizing Vienna’s room but I felt really sick. I woke up in a tremendous amount of pain. I was groggy, achy and yucky all over. I tried getting out and walking which usually helps but instead I felt worse afterwards. I am REALLY frustrated and pissed off at my body.
M came over yesterday to watch V during my counseling appointment and to spend time with us. We were going to work on V’s room together. We had a couple of problems right away. Problem One, V had gone the past 3 days in a row without taking a nap and without sleeping in to make up the loss of sleep. She was so tired, crabby and needy. Problem Two, I felt terrible. My body was not cooperating with me. Problem 3, M had it in her mind that we were going to completely reorganize V’s room and do nothing else until that was done. Problem 4, whenever M felt that time was being wasted she got on her phone or the computer which was very frustrating and hurtful.
V and I have spent a limited amount of time with M over the past few years. When we are finally with her I would really love for us to get her completely. I don’t want to have to share her with her 50 friends who call or text. I have not felt like a priority but I thought it was because of her stressful job. But now that she is retired I thought things would be different. Plus, I feel bad for V. She was so excited to see M but then she kept using her phone. V totally notices this stuff. She has asked me to put my phone down and play with her more than one time.
I have more to write about the day yesterday but it is making me crabby and I refuse to be crabby today. I will try writing later.
I am still really struggling. My day actually got worse. I felt like I was losing my mind this morning. I woke up really anxious so I started exercising which usually helps. I used the elliptical machine and then I did part of a work out tape and then when V woke up we went for a walk. But I still felt edgy and out of control. I got V settled playing outside in the sandbox and promptly came inside and feel apart. I prayed. I cried out to God. I yelled. I cried. I kicked the dryer (only once because I did not want to break it but if I could have found something else to kick I would have kicked the crap out of it.) I literally felt like I was going crazy. I could not seem to get myself under control. I called my counselor to see if he could squeeze me in. I thought I was going to have a breakdown right there and have to go back into the hospital. What the hell? I just don’t understand what the hell is going on with me. My brain is still sick and that pisses me off. I am freaking trying so hard to get healthy and my brain is still being a pain in the ass.
I trying so hard to fight this damn depression and now my body is acting up. Exercising helps produce endorphins and endorphins naturally help depression. So I have been exercising a lot. But now my stupid fibromyalgia body is protesting and I am in pain. I just want to screeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaammm! Uggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg I am just freaking trying to get healthy.
Anyway….as I was having this meltdown I remembered the tapping technique. I tried it and it actually helped calm me down. I had to do it several times but it did really help. I was so tired after the ordeal (and all the exercising) that I really just wanted to go back to bed. But I could not do that. I had my precious daughter outside waiting for me to play with her. We had a play date to get to. So I made myself focus on getting ready to go. Wow was that tough. It was almost as hard as the last mile in a long run when you are so exhausted and all you can do is focus on moving your arms back and forth because you know that your feet will follow your arms. We made it to the play date.
Thank God for a nap this afternoon. I was so exhausted that I could barely stay standing up. I felt quite a bit better for a little while afterwards. I talked to my psychiatrist and he told me to try taking my Ativan every evening to try to prevent extreme anxiety. I usually just take it as needed. We also talked about how I may have to go back on SSRI medication. I currently take only one anti-depressant medication. That is amazing since I have not been on only one since 1999.
But the anxiety came soaring back into my being. The anxiety makes me edgy, crabby, inpatient, tense, intense and I feel physically crappy. So being the proactive little depression/anxiety fighter that I am I went in my room (leaving poor Nate with Vienna after he had a particularly terrible day) and did relaxation exercises. This helped for about 1 hour. Now I am back to feeling on edge, pissy and so damn frustrated with my body!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am ready to go smash more dishes and I would if the neighbors were not all outside. I don’t want them to think I am going crazy or something.
Maybe a glass of wine will help. Maybe not since alcohol is a depressant and can make fibro pain worse. But maybe it will help the anxiety that is driving me crazy. Oh how I am looking forward to the days when I feel completely sane for several weeks in a row.
280. I slept pretty well last night
281. I get to spend the day with my daughter
282. I am awake early enough to do a few things to help take care of my mental and emotional health.
283. Play date today with some wonderful friends
284. My friend Emily rocks!
285. Two of my friends have just had healthy babies. YAY!
289. God is with me.
290. “Joy comes in the morning” I am so thankful for this. Sometimes we just need a new day.
I am dealing with some frustration and anger. I was really feeling it last night. I am not exactly sure how I am feeling this morning. I just got up. I do know that I want to feel good and that I want to enjoy today.
I broke old dishes in my driveway last night. I smashed 3 of them into pieces. I was feeling so frustrated and pissed off. I did not want to stuff those feelings inside and let them fester. So I smashed dishes. It helped a little. I seem to remember it working better when I have done in the past. I any case I smashed the dishes instead of being crabby or screaming and yelling. Most importantly I let myself feel the frustration and anger instead of pretending I was ok which would set me up for more problems later on.
Why am I frustrated? There are a few things on that list. First, I had a really crappy day yesterday. I had planned on organizing Vienna’s room but I felt really sick. I woke up in a tremendous amount of pain. I was groggy, achy and yucky all over. I tried getting out and walking which usually helps but instead I felt worse afterwards. I am REALLY frustrated and pissed off at my body.
M came over yesterday to watch V during my counseling appointment and to spend time with us. We were going to work on V’s room together. We had a couple of problems right away. Problem One, V had gone the past 3 days in a row without taking a nap and without sleeping in to make up the loss of sleep. She was so tired, crabby and needy. Problem Two, I felt terrible. My body was not cooperating with me. Problem 3, M had it in her mind that we were going to completely reorganize V’s room and do nothing else until that was done. Problem 4, whenever M felt that time was being wasted she got on her phone or the computer which was very frustrating and hurtful.
V and I have spent a limited amount of time with M over the past few years. When we are finally with her I would really love for us to get her completely. I don’t want to have to share her with her 50 friends who call or text. I have not felt like a priority but I thought it was because of her stressful job. But now that she is retired I thought things would be different. Plus, I feel bad for V. She was so excited to see M but then she kept using her phone. V totally notices this stuff. She has asked me to put my phone down and play with her more than one time.
I have more to write about the day yesterday but it is making me crabby and I refuse to be crabby today. I will try writing later.
I am still really struggling. My day actually got worse. I felt like I was losing my mind this morning. I woke up really anxious so I started exercising which usually helps. I used the elliptical machine and then I did part of a work out tape and then when V woke up we went for a walk. But I still felt edgy and out of control. I got V settled playing outside in the sandbox and promptly came inside and feel apart. I prayed. I cried out to God. I yelled. I cried. I kicked the dryer (only once because I did not want to break it but if I could have found something else to kick I would have kicked the crap out of it.) I literally felt like I was going crazy. I could not seem to get myself under control. I called my counselor to see if he could squeeze me in. I thought I was going to have a breakdown right there and have to go back into the hospital. What the hell? I just don’t understand what the hell is going on with me. My brain is still sick and that pisses me off. I am freaking trying so hard to get healthy and my brain is still being a pain in the ass.
I trying so hard to fight this damn depression and now my body is acting up. Exercising helps produce endorphins and endorphins naturally help depression. So I have been exercising a lot. But now my stupid fibromyalgia body is protesting and I am in pain. I just want to screeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaammm! Uggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg I am just freaking trying to get healthy.
Anyway….as I was having this meltdown I remembered the tapping technique. I tried it and it actually helped calm me down. I had to do it several times but it did really help. I was so tired after the ordeal (and all the exercising) that I really just wanted to go back to bed. But I could not do that. I had my precious daughter outside waiting for me to play with her. We had a play date to get to. So I made myself focus on getting ready to go. Wow was that tough. It was almost as hard as the last mile in a long run when you are so exhausted and all you can do is focus on moving your arms back and forth because you know that your feet will follow your arms. We made it to the play date.
Thank God for a nap this afternoon. I was so exhausted that I could barely stay standing up. I felt quite a bit better for a little while afterwards. I talked to my psychiatrist and he told me to try taking my Ativan every evening to try to prevent extreme anxiety. I usually just take it as needed. We also talked about how I may have to go back on SSRI medication. I currently take only one anti-depressant medication. That is amazing since I have not been on only one since 1999.
But the anxiety came soaring back into my being. The anxiety makes me edgy, crabby, inpatient, tense, intense and I feel physically crappy. So being the proactive little depression/anxiety fighter that I am I went in my room (leaving poor Nate with Vienna after he had a particularly terrible day) and did relaxation exercises. This helped for about 1 hour. Now I am back to feeling on edge, pissy and so damn frustrated with my body!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am ready to go smash more dishes and I would if the neighbors were not all outside. I don’t want them to think I am going crazy or something.
Maybe a glass of wine will help. Maybe not since alcohol is a depressant and can make fibro pain worse. But maybe it will help the anxiety that is driving me crazy. Oh how I am looking forward to the days when I feel completely sane for several weeks in a row.
Monday, July 26, 2010
Yay For Today
I am choosing to feel good today. I have to keep choosing it every half hour or so but I am STILL choosing it. V is with her grandparents today. I think I let myself fall apart on these days. I have been crying most of the day. But I am choosing to feel good. I choose joy!
After talking with my friend Emily today I have decided that I need to keep a new list on the refrigerator. It is called The YAY List (the I Did It List). I seem to focus so much on what needs to be done that I am missing all that I am doing. It is interesting; when I was severely depressed I let myself be ok with simply getting out of bed. Now that I am feeling better (but not totally better) I feel like I need to be able to do it all. I seem to have forgotten about baby steps. I just want to be ALL better now. Right now.
The YAY For Today List
1. I walked Jenny-Do at the Dog Park for an hour.
2. I exercised for an hour!
3. I called my friend Emily (I reached out when I was struggling, yay Carly).
4. I prayed (at ton).
5. I edited and published my blog from last night.
6. I wrote a friend an encouragement note that I have been meaning to do for a couple of weeks.
7. I sent out congratulations cards to my friend and cousin who recently had babies. Finally.
8. I ate some good food.
9. I showered (it has been two days).
10. I put makeup on and got dressed up for my sexy hubby. It is date night.
11. I made makeup for Vienna to play with. (I took some my old makeup containers and completely cleaned them out. Then I put pink, purple, red and cream nail polish in them to dry and become play makeup.) Yay Carly. I have been meaning to do this for a long time.
12. I ordered new vitamin supplements.
13. I made Vienna’s bed.
14. I made my bed.
15. I cleaned the dog after the long walk.
16. I planned out (in my mind) how I can better organize V’s room.
17. I did the dishes.
18. I did a load of laundry.
19. I picked up everything off the floor in the living room and kitchen.
20. Now I am going to go on a date with my wonderful hubby.
So even though I had many more things that I wanted to do today. I would say that I have accomplished a lot. Yay Carly.
After talking with my friend Emily today I have decided that I need to keep a new list on the refrigerator. It is called The YAY List (the I Did It List). I seem to focus so much on what needs to be done that I am missing all that I am doing. It is interesting; when I was severely depressed I let myself be ok with simply getting out of bed. Now that I am feeling better (but not totally better) I feel like I need to be able to do it all. I seem to have forgotten about baby steps. I just want to be ALL better now. Right now.
The YAY For Today List
1. I walked Jenny-Do at the Dog Park for an hour.
2. I exercised for an hour!
3. I called my friend Emily (I reached out when I was struggling, yay Carly).
4. I prayed (at ton).
5. I edited and published my blog from last night.
6. I wrote a friend an encouragement note that I have been meaning to do for a couple of weeks.
7. I sent out congratulations cards to my friend and cousin who recently had babies. Finally.
8. I ate some good food.
9. I showered (it has been two days).
10. I put makeup on and got dressed up for my sexy hubby. It is date night.
11. I made makeup for Vienna to play with. (I took some my old makeup containers and completely cleaned them out. Then I put pink, purple, red and cream nail polish in them to dry and become play makeup.) Yay Carly. I have been meaning to do this for a long time.
12. I ordered new vitamin supplements.
13. I made Vienna’s bed.
14. I made my bed.
15. I cleaned the dog after the long walk.
16. I planned out (in my mind) how I can better organize V’s room.
17. I did the dishes.
18. I did a load of laundry.
19. I picked up everything off the floor in the living room and kitchen.
20. Now I am going to go on a date with my wonderful hubby.
So even though I had many more things that I wanted to do today. I would say that I have accomplished a lot. Yay Carly.
Wants
7-25/26-10 (12:45 am)
I have been having a lot of really good days. However this is a down day. I suppose that is why I am writing. I need to vent some of my yucky feelings.
It has been 12 days since I last wrote. Almost two weeks. I have really missed writing. I have been busy trying to get my life together. I have been walking every day and have been increasing the length of time that I walk as well as the speed in which I walk. Last week I also did Yoga almost every evening. I slacked off on the weekend. My daughter is home with me again. She will no longer be going to daycare. I am trying to get my upstairs organized. There is so much work to do in that area. I am not even beginning to tackle the basement. I just want our upstairs to be organized. I want everything to have home, a place where it belongs so that we do not have “stuff” everywhere. Instead that stuff will be in its home. I am overwhelmed. I am tired. But I am trying. The challenge is that I have so many things that I want to change about me, my life, my house and my family that I cannot seem to….
I am having trouble formulating clear thoughts for the above paragraph so I suppose I will move on
I am struggling with comparing myself to other people this weekend. I can’t do that. I know that it is not helpful in any way and it only makes me feel like I am falling short. I wish so very much that I was mentally, physically and emotionally healthy. I wish that I could keep up with all the super moms around me. There are moms who work, have social lives, are wonderful wives and who are terrific parents. There are other moms who stay home with their kids and manage fantastic households. They are the moms who have beautiful houses with nice decorations and furnishings.
I know that I am feeling overwhelmed. I am feeling like I do not measure up to all the moms around me. I know that I should not compare myself to them but sometimes I cannot help it. I want to be a better mom and wife. I fall short in so many areas. It hurts me that I fall so short. I want to have a clean, well decorated; organized, home that is a comfortable place for me to have people visit. I want to have more energy so I can keep up with my daughter and not grow weary. I want to be intentional in our time to get….
Never mind. Writing about this is just making me feel worse. I don’t want to feel worse. I want to feel better. I want to be better. I want to be a different person today. I don’t want to be sick struggling with depression and Fibromyalgia Carly. I am tired of letting my husband down. I am tired of being me. I want to be my friend B. I am calling her B for beautiful.
B just moved into a beautiful new house in which she is decorating beautifully. I think one of her MANY talents in interior decorating. The furniture is fabulous and so are all the other beautiful touches she has made to each room. She has it extremely organized and has somehow found a way to make organization look stylish. He floors are free of toys because she always picks them up right away. She makes friends wherever she goes. I adore her. She has a rock solid marriage. She and her husband talk about everything. They use kind gentle words with each other and are uplifting rather than downing. Her kids are amazing. Her daughter is one of the sweetest most well behaved children I have ever met. The reason she is like that is because she is so persistent and consistent in teaching her how to act and react appropriately. She works from home doing something she loves and is so gifted at. She has a knack at making everything look beautiful. She has an amazingly strong faith. She grows their own vegetables. She cooks amazing meals that she also presents looking like art. She makes her own homemade yogurt. And she makes it all look so easy. I know it is not always easy but she makes it look that way. I think I want to be B when I grow up. Gosh I wish I could be just a little bit more like her and a little less tired, struggling, unorganized, messy (both emotionally and physically) me.
I just don’t’ want to write anymore cuz it is making me feel worse.
Moving on....God I just need so much help from you. I am such a mess. I need you. Please help me get my life in order. I want to be a blessing to husband and daughter. I am a stay home mom for goodness sakes I should at least be able to do that.
Please help me stop comparing myself to everyone else. They are not dealing with freaking depression. I hate depression. Why am I still dealing with depression? Why is life so much easier for some people? I just want to be done being depressed. Done being sick. Done being tired. Done being the looser me that I feel like I am right now. I know I am not a looser but why am I struggling with things that are so easy for so many people. I just want to be a person who blesses others. I want to serve God and serve His people. I want to be a fantastic, fun, consistent, reliable mother. I want to bless my husband in every way possible. I want to have a clean house so I can invite people over. I want to live a life of purpose. I want to get healthy. I want to exercise every day and not end up in tremendous amounts of pain afterwards. I want to lose weight and be healthy physically. I want to be able to keep up with my daughter. I want to be able to have another baby. I want to be completely emotionally and mentally stable. And believe me I am trying to be stable. I am fighting like hell to make it happen. So it better happen. I want to have the energy to…… Ok enough with the I wants. Time to move on.
I want to curse. F***! F this is hard. F this stupid depression. F fibromyalgia. F-F-F!!!!!
I wish I was sleeping. I am tired. It is 1:21 am. Tomorrow I have so much that I need to get done. Now there is a good chance that I will be in lots of pain and that I will be too tired to get my many tasks done. I tried going to bed. But I couldn’t fall asleep. I just couldn’t turn my mind off. I kept thinking about all the areas I fall short in. I do a few things well. But not very many right now. I am trying. I am fighting. I am working on making me and my life better. I am really trying. I am tired of trying. I want to be succeeding. I want to be better. I want my depression to be better. I want my fibro to be better. I want me to be better. Better at life. Better at keeping house. Better at caring for my child. Better at being a great wife. Better at serving God. Better Better Better!!!! I want better.
I have been having a lot of really good days. However this is a down day. I suppose that is why I am writing. I need to vent some of my yucky feelings.
It has been 12 days since I last wrote. Almost two weeks. I have really missed writing. I have been busy trying to get my life together. I have been walking every day and have been increasing the length of time that I walk as well as the speed in which I walk. Last week I also did Yoga almost every evening. I slacked off on the weekend. My daughter is home with me again. She will no longer be going to daycare. I am trying to get my upstairs organized. There is so much work to do in that area. I am not even beginning to tackle the basement. I just want our upstairs to be organized. I want everything to have home, a place where it belongs so that we do not have “stuff” everywhere. Instead that stuff will be in its home. I am overwhelmed. I am tired. But I am trying. The challenge is that I have so many things that I want to change about me, my life, my house and my family that I cannot seem to….
I am having trouble formulating clear thoughts for the above paragraph so I suppose I will move on
I am struggling with comparing myself to other people this weekend. I can’t do that. I know that it is not helpful in any way and it only makes me feel like I am falling short. I wish so very much that I was mentally, physically and emotionally healthy. I wish that I could keep up with all the super moms around me. There are moms who work, have social lives, are wonderful wives and who are terrific parents. There are other moms who stay home with their kids and manage fantastic households. They are the moms who have beautiful houses with nice decorations and furnishings.
I know that I am feeling overwhelmed. I am feeling like I do not measure up to all the moms around me. I know that I should not compare myself to them but sometimes I cannot help it. I want to be a better mom and wife. I fall short in so many areas. It hurts me that I fall so short. I want to have a clean, well decorated; organized, home that is a comfortable place for me to have people visit. I want to have more energy so I can keep up with my daughter and not grow weary. I want to be intentional in our time to get….
Never mind. Writing about this is just making me feel worse. I don’t want to feel worse. I want to feel better. I want to be better. I want to be a different person today. I don’t want to be sick struggling with depression and Fibromyalgia Carly. I am tired of letting my husband down. I am tired of being me. I want to be my friend B. I am calling her B for beautiful.
B just moved into a beautiful new house in which she is decorating beautifully. I think one of her MANY talents in interior decorating. The furniture is fabulous and so are all the other beautiful touches she has made to each room. She has it extremely organized and has somehow found a way to make organization look stylish. He floors are free of toys because she always picks them up right away. She makes friends wherever she goes. I adore her. She has a rock solid marriage. She and her husband talk about everything. They use kind gentle words with each other and are uplifting rather than downing. Her kids are amazing. Her daughter is one of the sweetest most well behaved children I have ever met. The reason she is like that is because she is so persistent and consistent in teaching her how to act and react appropriately. She works from home doing something she loves and is so gifted at. She has a knack at making everything look beautiful. She has an amazingly strong faith. She grows their own vegetables. She cooks amazing meals that she also presents looking like art. She makes her own homemade yogurt. And she makes it all look so easy. I know it is not always easy but she makes it look that way. I think I want to be B when I grow up. Gosh I wish I could be just a little bit more like her and a little less tired, struggling, unorganized, messy (both emotionally and physically) me.
I just don’t’ want to write anymore cuz it is making me feel worse.
Moving on....God I just need so much help from you. I am such a mess. I need you. Please help me get my life in order. I want to be a blessing to husband and daughter. I am a stay home mom for goodness sakes I should at least be able to do that.
Please help me stop comparing myself to everyone else. They are not dealing with freaking depression. I hate depression. Why am I still dealing with depression? Why is life so much easier for some people? I just want to be done being depressed. Done being sick. Done being tired. Done being the looser me that I feel like I am right now. I know I am not a looser but why am I struggling with things that are so easy for so many people. I just want to be a person who blesses others. I want to serve God and serve His people. I want to be a fantastic, fun, consistent, reliable mother. I want to bless my husband in every way possible. I want to have a clean house so I can invite people over. I want to live a life of purpose. I want to get healthy. I want to exercise every day and not end up in tremendous amounts of pain afterwards. I want to lose weight and be healthy physically. I want to be able to keep up with my daughter. I want to be able to have another baby. I want to be completely emotionally and mentally stable. And believe me I am trying to be stable. I am fighting like hell to make it happen. So it better happen. I want to have the energy to…… Ok enough with the I wants. Time to move on.
I want to curse. F***! F this is hard. F this stupid depression. F fibromyalgia. F-F-F!!!!!
I wish I was sleeping. I am tired. It is 1:21 am. Tomorrow I have so much that I need to get done. Now there is a good chance that I will be in lots of pain and that I will be too tired to get my many tasks done. I tried going to bed. But I couldn’t fall asleep. I just couldn’t turn my mind off. I kept thinking about all the areas I fall short in. I do a few things well. But not very many right now. I am trying. I am fighting. I am working on making me and my life better. I am really trying. I am tired of trying. I want to be succeeding. I want to be better. I want my depression to be better. I want my fibro to be better. I want me to be better. Better at life. Better at keeping house. Better at caring for my child. Better at being a great wife. Better at serving God. Better Better Better!!!! I want better.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Better
Yesterday (7-12-10) did get better. We did more family shopping which was challenging but bearable. I got some tasks around the house done which always feels good. Then I did Yoga. I cannot believe how much better I felt after that. I was really really sore from my long walk in the morning so the stretching was helpful. It hurt but I felt really good afterwards. So YAY, yesterday ended well and I am fighting for today. I woke up a little crabby but I have pushed through that. I took a nice long walk and had a good time of prayer. I asked God to help my attitude and my gratitude. I am choosing to feel great today!
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
I Have a Dream
I have a dream. I am so excited. I have a dream. My friend Karyn made a comment on facebook about me turning my blog into a book. My dream is to do just that. I want to put together a book of some kind that encourages people who are struggling through depression. I have no idea how to make this happen. But I have a dream. God has definitely gifted me in the area of encouragement and I want to use that gift to bless others. I am not a great writer but I am honest and I have a great deal of experiences that could help others. My struggle has been grueling but I am determined to not give up. I want to help others have that same determination. I want people who are depressed and feeling hopeless to know that they are not alone. Not only is God always with us but there are so many people who struggle with depression who understand what the horrible disease is all about.
I had the hardest time getting my mind to calm down last night so that I could go to sleep. My thoughts were all over the place thinking about this new dream. I have not had a dream in a long time. I used to want to be a camp director. Then a youth worker who taught kids about the hope we have in Jesus. The problem with both of those is that they require a great deal of energy. Because of Fibromyalgia I do not have a lot have much energy. I grieved the loss of those dreams for a long time. I felt called to work with youth and I was really passionate about it. I have been hesitant or even against dreaming since then. I did not want to go through the pain of having another dream crushed due to my health. So now I have found a Fibromyalgia friendly dream. I can help others through some sort of publications. And then maybe one day I can speak to groups of people about my experiences. I used to say I wanted to be a motivational speaker. That still may be in my future. I LOVE to encourage others. The idea of my pain helping other through their pain is exhilarating. Wow, I have a dream. And maybe my dream could help us financially. That would be amazing!
I have a dream. Carly has a dream. Yipeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
I had the hardest time getting my mind to calm down last night so that I could go to sleep. My thoughts were all over the place thinking about this new dream. I have not had a dream in a long time. I used to want to be a camp director. Then a youth worker who taught kids about the hope we have in Jesus. The problem with both of those is that they require a great deal of energy. Because of Fibromyalgia I do not have a lot have much energy. I grieved the loss of those dreams for a long time. I felt called to work with youth and I was really passionate about it. I have been hesitant or even against dreaming since then. I did not want to go through the pain of having another dream crushed due to my health. So now I have found a Fibromyalgia friendly dream. I can help others through some sort of publications. And then maybe one day I can speak to groups of people about my experiences. I used to say I wanted to be a motivational speaker. That still may be in my future. I LOVE to encourage others. The idea of my pain helping other through their pain is exhilarating. Wow, I have a dream. And maybe my dream could help us financially. That would be amazing!
I have a dream. Carly has a dream. Yipeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
Monday, July 12, 2010
Pushing Through
I don’t understand how we can just wake up crabby. What happens to us while we sleep that makes us wake up feeling yucky? Blech! I got out of bed and was struggling with being annoyed with Vienna and Nate as soon as my feet touched the floor. I don’t understand that. So I prayed. “God please help me. I don’t want to be crabby.” I took deep breaths but inside I found myself looking forward to them leaving. Now I just need to figure out how to avoid the crabby mornings. If I wake up crabby what can I do to get over it and get over it fast! I went to bed thanking God for my precious family. But I also struggled with crabbiness yesterday.
I feel very physically crabby. I am working really hard on controlling my thoughts but my body still feels yucky. My muscles are tight and achy. My chest feels mildly fiery and sort of anxious. It is like there is a crabby cloud hovering over me that is pressing down on my body making it feel yucky/crabby. So now what? I am listening to positive music. I shouted out a quick prayer asking God to help me Not be crabby. I think I should go exercise. I wish I could go for a really hard run or kick box so I could beat the crabbiness right out of me. But I will be happy with what my body can handle a nice walk with my Dog. Off I go. Hopefully I will return feeling great!
So I walked my dog for a good 50 minutes. It was painful and now I am tight and sore but I think it helped the crabbiness. Well at least I thought it helped the crabbiness. I am moving sore due to the soreness but I was doing my best not to let that bother me. I have so much to do today. Then my husband came home. And suddenly the crabbiness was back. It was like I did not like and I did not want him near me. Everything he was saying and doing was annoying me. Even the way he was chewing his food annoyed me. What in the world? Why was I all of the sudden crabby again? Did I feel like my space was being invaded or that my alone time was being violated? Normally I love it when he comes home. I wonder if I have gotten too used to being by myself. That is not a good thing because the goal is to get Vienna back home with me every day. That means she would be with me all the time and I would have very few breaks. There is nap time but I usually sleep then and unfortunately sleep does not qualify as quality alone time. Ugggggggggg. Why am I so crabby? While Nate was still here I went down stairs to do the laundry. I did not want to hurt him. And since I was feeling like I did not like him it was very probable that I would hurt his feelings. Granted escaping to the basement to do laundry when he is only home for 30 minutes did not send a positive message either. I went for the lesser of the two evils.
So now here I am at the computer. I have a long list of house chores to get done. I am very tired. If I take a nap I could feel better afterwards. Then again I might not. I could push through and work but I can tell I will be moving very slowly which will make it hard to get much done. I could try to do something that would make me laugh. That would be good. But I really should work. Maybe I will go take a long hot shower and see how I feel then.
Happy List
269. Walking in the woods with Jenny-Dog
270. I had a really good time of prayer, worship and positive thinking during the walk.
271. God’s promises are real and true and all for me if I claim them.
272. My sweet hubby comes home to visit me at lunch sometimes
273. We are having dinner with my mom and Tom tonight
274. Jenny-Dog is very happy
275. Vienna looks adorable today (and every day)
276. We have air conditioning
277. I almost have 300 things on my happy/grateful list
278. I have been enjoying my relaxation exercises
279. It has felt really good to remember the times when I was healthy and strong. I am looking forward to being that way again.
I feel very physically crabby. I am working really hard on controlling my thoughts but my body still feels yucky. My muscles are tight and achy. My chest feels mildly fiery and sort of anxious. It is like there is a crabby cloud hovering over me that is pressing down on my body making it feel yucky/crabby. So now what? I am listening to positive music. I shouted out a quick prayer asking God to help me Not be crabby. I think I should go exercise. I wish I could go for a really hard run or kick box so I could beat the crabbiness right out of me. But I will be happy with what my body can handle a nice walk with my Dog. Off I go. Hopefully I will return feeling great!
So I walked my dog for a good 50 minutes. It was painful and now I am tight and sore but I think it helped the crabbiness. Well at least I thought it helped the crabbiness. I am moving sore due to the soreness but I was doing my best not to let that bother me. I have so much to do today. Then my husband came home. And suddenly the crabbiness was back. It was like I did not like and I did not want him near me. Everything he was saying and doing was annoying me. Even the way he was chewing his food annoyed me. What in the world? Why was I all of the sudden crabby again? Did I feel like my space was being invaded or that my alone time was being violated? Normally I love it when he comes home. I wonder if I have gotten too used to being by myself. That is not a good thing because the goal is to get Vienna back home with me every day. That means she would be with me all the time and I would have very few breaks. There is nap time but I usually sleep then and unfortunately sleep does not qualify as quality alone time. Ugggggggggg. Why am I so crabby? While Nate was still here I went down stairs to do the laundry. I did not want to hurt him. And since I was feeling like I did not like him it was very probable that I would hurt his feelings. Granted escaping to the basement to do laundry when he is only home for 30 minutes did not send a positive message either. I went for the lesser of the two evils.
So now here I am at the computer. I have a long list of house chores to get done. I am very tired. If I take a nap I could feel better afterwards. Then again I might not. I could push through and work but I can tell I will be moving very slowly which will make it hard to get much done. I could try to do something that would make me laugh. That would be good. But I really should work. Maybe I will go take a long hot shower and see how I feel then.
Happy List
269. Walking in the woods with Jenny-Dog
270. I had a really good time of prayer, worship and positive thinking during the walk.
271. God’s promises are real and true and all for me if I claim them.
272. My sweet hubby comes home to visit me at lunch sometimes
273. We are having dinner with my mom and Tom tonight
274. Jenny-Dog is very happy
275. Vienna looks adorable today (and every day)
276. We have air conditioning
277. I almost have 300 things on my happy/grateful list
278. I have been enjoying my relaxation exercises
279. It has felt really good to remember the times when I was healthy and strong. I am looking forward to being that way again.
Hanging On
I was so excited to write earlier today. I had all kinds of fun interesting thoughts that I wanted to explore on paper. Now I find myself hanging on and needing to write about the struggle this evening has been.
Church was enjoyable as was fellowship time after church. I enjoyed hearing the Word of God preached by our Pastor. Worship was uplifting and a time where I could thank God for his goodness and faithfulness. We sang a song “More Love” with the words “I will worship you with all of my mind. I will worship you with all of my heart. I will worship you with all of my strength. You are the Lord. You are the Lord.” God has been teaching me about the importance of my thoughts. The importance of what I allow to occupy my mind. The song speaks of worshiping God with all of our mind, heart and strength. I think the mind is where it all starts. The things that we think about affect our heart, attitude, actions and much more. Anyway God has been showing me that I must choose to have positive thoughts. I must choose to think truth and not lies. For example, I choose to think about how I am a blessing to people rather than how I let people down. I must choose to think about all the good things I have rather than the bad, the good aspects of my health rather than the not so good and so on. Joyce Meyer talks about how we have to get rid of that “stinkin thinkin.” She also talks about how where the mind goes the man follows. Wow is that ever true. If I let my mind think crabby thoughts then I start acting crabby. If I let myself think about the areas that I think my husband needs to work on then I end up being critical of him. It is so true, what we think about in our minds directly affects how we act and how we interact with other people.
We had communion which is fascinating to me. I have many thoughts about communion but I do not have the energy to write about it now. In any case it was a time for me to examine myself and to ask God to forgive me for the many ways that I fall short. Communion is a time that we are reminded of how Jesus died to cover the penalty for our sins. Jesus died (but rose again) so that I may be forgiven. It is always good to take time to examine our lives, examine the things that we are doing or are not doing that are not glorifying to our awesome God. So I looked at my life, confessed my sin and then celebrated my forgiveness. I celebrated the life that I have in Christ Jesus. I ate the bread that represents His broken body and drank the wine (juice) that represents his blood that was shed for me. I did this and was thankful. Thank you Jesus for taking my punishment for sin, for making it possible for me to spend eternity with you and for making it possible for me to live a victorious life.
After church I really wanted to not take a nap. We have so much work to do around the house and I really wanted to get some of that done. The carpets are clean. But everything that was in or on furniture is now in boxes or plastic garbage bags. It is so frustrating. I hate not knowing where things are. I hate having bags of stuff lying around. I need to get some serious work done in the house because it is driving me crazy. I want to do it. I am ready to do it. And then once again I am overwhelmingly tired. The kind of tired where I cannot think strait and I cannot function properly. If I had made myself stay up I would not have been very productive at all and would probably have become very depressed because both the house and my tiredness were overwhelming. So I napped. I slept hard. Really hard!
I am getting really tired right now. It is late and I should go to bed but I want to flesh out this evening that was so disheartening. We decided to go to Target to exchange our new tent that has a hole in it. While in Target I had an episode. There was all the stimulation of the store, we were trying to make a decision about what tent to get and Nate was not telling me what he wanted. I was trying to read his mind. Too bad that NEVER works. Then as Nate was talking to me, Vienna was talking at me and I was surrounded by business I started to feel like the walls were closing in on me. I felt very anxious and out of control. I could not handle all of the stimulation. I stopped Nate and addressed Vienna who had been telling us how hungry she was since the moment we got out of the car. Then I told Nate we needed to make a decision or leave. He was not in a decisive mood. I wanted to get the tent picked out and be done. We left without a tent and with me very on edge.
Then we went to a restaurant. I have been having trouble with this lately. I can’t seem to handle keeping Vienna occupied and trying to have a conversation with Nate. I can’t seem to multi-task anymore. So I end up having to focus on Vienna and Nate gets neglected. That is a problem but I just can’t seem to do both. As soon as we arrived at the restaurant I went to the bathroom by myself. I went to pray and do my relaxation exercises to try to get a hold of my emotions and rid myself of the yuckiness that I was feeling. Deep breaths, in and out, in and out. I kept telling myself, “You are ok, you can do this, and you can do all things through God who gives you strength. I then I said, “Lord help me, Lord help me, Lord help me do this, help me calm down and be able to handle dinner.” It sounds silly that I would have to plead for help to make it through a dinner at a restaurant but that was the state I was in. I was very frustrated and sad about the state I was in. I felt out of control but I was desperately and determinedly grasping for control. I did my deep breathing exercising repeating, “I relax. I let go. I am still and I know that You are God.”
I made it back to the table. Phew we made it through dinner without me falling apart. I think Nate was a little disappointed with my poor conversational skills but he also understood. Vienna has been very challenging this weekend so keeping her under control has been a daunting task.
We then decided to go to Wal-Mart to check out their tents. Bad move. Bad, bad, bad move. We all were tired so why did we go? We are leaving to go camping Thursday evening or Friday morning so we need to get a tent without a hole in it. Why did we go tonight? We made a bad decision. Vienna wanted to run around, I wanted to sit in quiet and Nate, well I am not sure what he wanted. After Vienna ran off for the second time we decided to leave. Thank God. The indecisiveness about the tent was driving me nuts and Vienna was driving me nuts too.
When we got home I sat in the car by myself for ten minutes. I sat in the quiet and thought about what had happened. Why was I incapable of making it through an evening like this with my sanity intact? I was doing my best to not berate myself for not being able to handle a simple trip with my family to the store and restaurant. I don’t think it is a good idea for me to shop with both of them for a while. I can’t seem to shop, keep track of Vienna and answer her constant questions and converse with my husband. I think I will be taking a sabbatical from family shopping trips for a while. Later in the evening I told Nate about how I had a really hard time in the store. I asked him to please stop talking to me if Vienna is talking to me also. I cannot handle both at the same time. If we were talking first then we need to stop and ask Vienna not to interrupt or deal with her immediate need. Nate tends to tune Vienna out. I cannot do that. If we tune her out she just continues to ask her questions more frequently and much more loudly.
After my respite in the car I dragged myself into the house, into the Vienna not wanting to go to be chaos. I went into the bedroom, closed the door and worked on relaxing. Breathing in and out, slowly in and out. I then barely made it through reading V some books, tucking her in, having her go potty again, her asking for more books, asking for songs and singing two songs. I ran to the bedroom and closed the door. Quiet. I was alone! All I wanted to do was binge eat and watch TV or go to bed. No I said in my head. No I must do what will help my health. I must fight. Don’t give up Carly fight. So I did my relaxation exercises. I felt better until I left my bedroom. Then I was bombarded with the messy unorganized house. I thought, “Ok relaxation is not enough I will do yoga. I don’t feel like doing yoga. I am tired and I just want to watch TV b but I will do yoga.” I had to ask Nate where the yoga tape was. He could not find it in the many garbage bags filled with our stuff. So I did this other yoga type tape called Praise Moves. I did the 10 minute walking warm-up and was in tremendous pain. It was walking along with some gentle aerobic moves. OUCH it hurt. But I did not give up. I persevered and pushed through the stretching/yoga like workout. After a few minutes I had to stop and simply stretch. I could not believe how much pain I was in. It made me sad.
I am sad. I miss running and doing Ta Bo. I want to get back into good physical shape but when I try my body screams with pain after 10 minutes of an easy workout. But (deep breath) something is better than nothing. A few baby steps forward is better than moving backwards. Baby steps Carly. It is ok to take baby steps.
Right before I started writing this Nate and I talked briefly. Almost every time I have called his name this weekend he has answered with “What did I do? What did I do wrong?” It is breaking my heart. I have asked him several times what I am doing that is making him feel that way. It was not until tonight when I made him sit down and talk to me that I got an answer. He said that he can feel my frustration with the house all of the time and he knows that it is his fault. I apologized for making him feel that way. I don’t want to make him feel like he cannot win no matter what he does. I held back tears as I promised that I would try to not act frustrated or disappointed with him. I want him to feel loved, secure and supported. I have got to deal with my frustration with the house. Deep breath…..I am letting my frustration go. I think that there is something deeper going on. I think I have really hurt him with my crabbiness and irrationality and feel defensive all the time.
Lord please help me change how I am acting and reacting to Nate. Please help me be the loving supportive wife that he needs. Please help me to be gentle and loving with him. Please help communicate openly and lovingly. Please help us work through any issues that are prying us apart. Lord I want to be close to my man. I want to be a blessing to Him. Please help me do this. Please help me hide any frustration I have with the house. Please give me lots of energy and endurance to get the house under control. Please Lord. Please I need your help.
I read my friends blog last night and I have pasted a portion of it here. After I read it I thought to myself do I love both Vienna and Nate in this way. Am I?
My friend wrote:
I find I’m asking myself lately whether I’m truly loving my child in my behavior/responses/reactions to her.
The 1 Corinthians 13 kind of love…
Love is patient, love is kind.
It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails.
Am I loving her like this? Like I have been called to love her?
Most days, I’m sad to say, the answer is no.
And it shows in her behavior.
God has such high standards of love. I did not do so well today but tomorrow will be better. Let’s see….Love is patient love is kind. Love is patient. Love is patient. Carly you can do it. Carly be patient and kind. Lord Jesus please help me be patient and kind as you are so patient and kind.
Tomorrow is a new day. God’s mercies are new in the morning. My pain will be better in the morning. The joy of the Lord is my strength. I just keep telling myself the joy of the Lord is my strength. The more joy the more strength.
Church was enjoyable as was fellowship time after church. I enjoyed hearing the Word of God preached by our Pastor. Worship was uplifting and a time where I could thank God for his goodness and faithfulness. We sang a song “More Love” with the words “I will worship you with all of my mind. I will worship you with all of my heart. I will worship you with all of my strength. You are the Lord. You are the Lord.” God has been teaching me about the importance of my thoughts. The importance of what I allow to occupy my mind. The song speaks of worshiping God with all of our mind, heart and strength. I think the mind is where it all starts. The things that we think about affect our heart, attitude, actions and much more. Anyway God has been showing me that I must choose to have positive thoughts. I must choose to think truth and not lies. For example, I choose to think about how I am a blessing to people rather than how I let people down. I must choose to think about all the good things I have rather than the bad, the good aspects of my health rather than the not so good and so on. Joyce Meyer talks about how we have to get rid of that “stinkin thinkin.” She also talks about how where the mind goes the man follows. Wow is that ever true. If I let my mind think crabby thoughts then I start acting crabby. If I let myself think about the areas that I think my husband needs to work on then I end up being critical of him. It is so true, what we think about in our minds directly affects how we act and how we interact with other people.
We had communion which is fascinating to me. I have many thoughts about communion but I do not have the energy to write about it now. In any case it was a time for me to examine myself and to ask God to forgive me for the many ways that I fall short. Communion is a time that we are reminded of how Jesus died to cover the penalty for our sins. Jesus died (but rose again) so that I may be forgiven. It is always good to take time to examine our lives, examine the things that we are doing or are not doing that are not glorifying to our awesome God. So I looked at my life, confessed my sin and then celebrated my forgiveness. I celebrated the life that I have in Christ Jesus. I ate the bread that represents His broken body and drank the wine (juice) that represents his blood that was shed for me. I did this and was thankful. Thank you Jesus for taking my punishment for sin, for making it possible for me to spend eternity with you and for making it possible for me to live a victorious life.
After church I really wanted to not take a nap. We have so much work to do around the house and I really wanted to get some of that done. The carpets are clean. But everything that was in or on furniture is now in boxes or plastic garbage bags. It is so frustrating. I hate not knowing where things are. I hate having bags of stuff lying around. I need to get some serious work done in the house because it is driving me crazy. I want to do it. I am ready to do it. And then once again I am overwhelmingly tired. The kind of tired where I cannot think strait and I cannot function properly. If I had made myself stay up I would not have been very productive at all and would probably have become very depressed because both the house and my tiredness were overwhelming. So I napped. I slept hard. Really hard!
I am getting really tired right now. It is late and I should go to bed but I want to flesh out this evening that was so disheartening. We decided to go to Target to exchange our new tent that has a hole in it. While in Target I had an episode. There was all the stimulation of the store, we were trying to make a decision about what tent to get and Nate was not telling me what he wanted. I was trying to read his mind. Too bad that NEVER works. Then as Nate was talking to me, Vienna was talking at me and I was surrounded by business I started to feel like the walls were closing in on me. I felt very anxious and out of control. I could not handle all of the stimulation. I stopped Nate and addressed Vienna who had been telling us how hungry she was since the moment we got out of the car. Then I told Nate we needed to make a decision or leave. He was not in a decisive mood. I wanted to get the tent picked out and be done. We left without a tent and with me very on edge.
Then we went to a restaurant. I have been having trouble with this lately. I can’t seem to handle keeping Vienna occupied and trying to have a conversation with Nate. I can’t seem to multi-task anymore. So I end up having to focus on Vienna and Nate gets neglected. That is a problem but I just can’t seem to do both. As soon as we arrived at the restaurant I went to the bathroom by myself. I went to pray and do my relaxation exercises to try to get a hold of my emotions and rid myself of the yuckiness that I was feeling. Deep breaths, in and out, in and out. I kept telling myself, “You are ok, you can do this, and you can do all things through God who gives you strength. I then I said, “Lord help me, Lord help me, Lord help me do this, help me calm down and be able to handle dinner.” It sounds silly that I would have to plead for help to make it through a dinner at a restaurant but that was the state I was in. I was very frustrated and sad about the state I was in. I felt out of control but I was desperately and determinedly grasping for control. I did my deep breathing exercising repeating, “I relax. I let go. I am still and I know that You are God.”
I made it back to the table. Phew we made it through dinner without me falling apart. I think Nate was a little disappointed with my poor conversational skills but he also understood. Vienna has been very challenging this weekend so keeping her under control has been a daunting task.
We then decided to go to Wal-Mart to check out their tents. Bad move. Bad, bad, bad move. We all were tired so why did we go? We are leaving to go camping Thursday evening or Friday morning so we need to get a tent without a hole in it. Why did we go tonight? We made a bad decision. Vienna wanted to run around, I wanted to sit in quiet and Nate, well I am not sure what he wanted. After Vienna ran off for the second time we decided to leave. Thank God. The indecisiveness about the tent was driving me nuts and Vienna was driving me nuts too.
When we got home I sat in the car by myself for ten minutes. I sat in the quiet and thought about what had happened. Why was I incapable of making it through an evening like this with my sanity intact? I was doing my best to not berate myself for not being able to handle a simple trip with my family to the store and restaurant. I don’t think it is a good idea for me to shop with both of them for a while. I can’t seem to shop, keep track of Vienna and answer her constant questions and converse with my husband. I think I will be taking a sabbatical from family shopping trips for a while. Later in the evening I told Nate about how I had a really hard time in the store. I asked him to please stop talking to me if Vienna is talking to me also. I cannot handle both at the same time. If we were talking first then we need to stop and ask Vienna not to interrupt or deal with her immediate need. Nate tends to tune Vienna out. I cannot do that. If we tune her out she just continues to ask her questions more frequently and much more loudly.
After my respite in the car I dragged myself into the house, into the Vienna not wanting to go to be chaos. I went into the bedroom, closed the door and worked on relaxing. Breathing in and out, slowly in and out. I then barely made it through reading V some books, tucking her in, having her go potty again, her asking for more books, asking for songs and singing two songs. I ran to the bedroom and closed the door. Quiet. I was alone! All I wanted to do was binge eat and watch TV or go to bed. No I said in my head. No I must do what will help my health. I must fight. Don’t give up Carly fight. So I did my relaxation exercises. I felt better until I left my bedroom. Then I was bombarded with the messy unorganized house. I thought, “Ok relaxation is not enough I will do yoga. I don’t feel like doing yoga. I am tired and I just want to watch TV b but I will do yoga.” I had to ask Nate where the yoga tape was. He could not find it in the many garbage bags filled with our stuff. So I did this other yoga type tape called Praise Moves. I did the 10 minute walking warm-up and was in tremendous pain. It was walking along with some gentle aerobic moves. OUCH it hurt. But I did not give up. I persevered and pushed through the stretching/yoga like workout. After a few minutes I had to stop and simply stretch. I could not believe how much pain I was in. It made me sad.
I am sad. I miss running and doing Ta Bo. I want to get back into good physical shape but when I try my body screams with pain after 10 minutes of an easy workout. But (deep breath) something is better than nothing. A few baby steps forward is better than moving backwards. Baby steps Carly. It is ok to take baby steps.
Right before I started writing this Nate and I talked briefly. Almost every time I have called his name this weekend he has answered with “What did I do? What did I do wrong?” It is breaking my heart. I have asked him several times what I am doing that is making him feel that way. It was not until tonight when I made him sit down and talk to me that I got an answer. He said that he can feel my frustration with the house all of the time and he knows that it is his fault. I apologized for making him feel that way. I don’t want to make him feel like he cannot win no matter what he does. I held back tears as I promised that I would try to not act frustrated or disappointed with him. I want him to feel loved, secure and supported. I have got to deal with my frustration with the house. Deep breath…..I am letting my frustration go. I think that there is something deeper going on. I think I have really hurt him with my crabbiness and irrationality and feel defensive all the time.
Lord please help me change how I am acting and reacting to Nate. Please help me be the loving supportive wife that he needs. Please help me to be gentle and loving with him. Please help communicate openly and lovingly. Please help us work through any issues that are prying us apart. Lord I want to be close to my man. I want to be a blessing to Him. Please help me do this. Please help me hide any frustration I have with the house. Please give me lots of energy and endurance to get the house under control. Please Lord. Please I need your help.
I read my friends blog last night and I have pasted a portion of it here. After I read it I thought to myself do I love both Vienna and Nate in this way. Am I?
My friend wrote:
I find I’m asking myself lately whether I’m truly loving my child in my behavior/responses/reactions to her.
The 1 Corinthians 13 kind of love…
Love is patient, love is kind.
It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails.
Am I loving her like this? Like I have been called to love her?
Most days, I’m sad to say, the answer is no.
And it shows in her behavior.
God has such high standards of love. I did not do so well today but tomorrow will be better. Let’s see….Love is patient love is kind. Love is patient. Love is patient. Carly you can do it. Carly be patient and kind. Lord Jesus please help me be patient and kind as you are so patient and kind.
Tomorrow is a new day. God’s mercies are new in the morning. My pain will be better in the morning. The joy of the Lord is my strength. I just keep telling myself the joy of the Lord is my strength. The more joy the more strength.
Saturday, July 10, 2010
No More Crabby
I have not made a Happy List in a while. It is long overdue.
262. We have our new tent up in the back yard.
263. We are going camping next week with some truly wonderful friends.
264. Vienna and I had fun shopping today.
265. We found some great clothes for her for $.25 at a garage sale.
266. We had a picnic at the park and walked Jenny-Dog on the trails.
267. Tomorrow is church:)
268. My friend Sara and I had a wonderful afternoon together Friday at the new farmers market in Lansing.
I am having a bit of a crabby day. I really don’t want to be that way but I can’t quite seem to snap fully out of it. Vienna woke up super early and I was so tired. I am finding that lack of sleep REALLY affects my mood/depression. I have known that it increases my Fibromyalgia pain and that it can make me crabby but also really affects my depression. The problem is that lack of sleep for me is when I don’t get ten hours of sleep. How in the world am I supposed to swing that? I usually try to nap for two and then try to get eight at night. However, Vienna is very close to being done with naps. I have talked with my doctors about this a great deal and unfortunately they have said that I must need that much sleep. Ugggg. It is so hard to have quality time with Vienna, quality time with Nate, keep the house somewhat picked up, spend time with God, journal, stretch, do relaxation exercises, cook, grocery shop, have a social life, exercise and get the many tasks of life done. I can’t seem to fit it all in. Usually the house does not get cleaned, we cook quick easy (not as healthy) meals if we cook at all and time with Nate gets cut short. I don’t journal as much as I would like either. I suppose I will figure it out one day. I am continuing to learn about how to live my life as normal as possible with the many physical limitations that I have.
I have a friend who is training for a half marathon. I am jealous. I miss running! When I was doing my relaxation exercises yesterday I was visualizing myself running. There is a theory that if you remember a time when you were healthy it can help your present health. It is called “remembered health”. I was visualizing running through a cool wooded area. I felt so strong, confident and healthy. I loved feeling physically strong. Now I get sore just by going for a 30 minute walk. I am totally not in shape. That is due to not being able to exercise very much, poor eating habits and my addiction to sugar. When I used to do more aerobic exercise the exercise seemed to curb my sugar cravings. Anyway I miss running. I miss kick boxing, Tae bo and Curves. I am hoping that one day I will be able to do more than walking.
I started to fall apart a bit this morning. I felt really yucky and frazzled by 8 am. I held back tears so that I could care for Vienna. As soon as Nate got up I went and cried. I was so frustrated with how I felt. I did not want to feel crabby and unstable. I wanted to get in the shower and escape to relaxation exercises but Vienna was having a meltdown about wanting me. All she wanted was me. Then I felt guilty. Mommy guilt is so easy to fall into. But if we let our moms fall into feeling guilty we will feel guilty all the time. There is always more to do with our children and they will always want more of us (at least at this age). So I finally escaped to my shower. It felt great. I did the mini relaxation exercise chanting the words; “I relax. I let go. I am still and I know that you are God.” The idea is to relax and let go off the stress and focus how God is good, faithful, and in control.
My therapist gave me some information on a technique to dull emotional pain. Supposedly if we engage both the right and left brain one cannot hold onto emotional pain. It is some sort of tapping technique. I have not finished reading all of the information but I am very eager to do so. What I have read is that you tap on specific areas on your body when you are stressed, upset or in pain. I was trying that this morning too. I think it may have helped. I need to finish reading the information. I am excited that may have a quick somewhat easy method to help me get my emotions under control.
I hate being crabby. Crabbiness go away and don’t come again another day. I am determined to NOT be crabby tomorrow. I am going to enjoy my husband and daughter!
262. We have our new tent up in the back yard.
263. We are going camping next week with some truly wonderful friends.
264. Vienna and I had fun shopping today.
265. We found some great clothes for her for $.25 at a garage sale.
266. We had a picnic at the park and walked Jenny-Dog on the trails.
267. Tomorrow is church:)
268. My friend Sara and I had a wonderful afternoon together Friday at the new farmers market in Lansing.
I am having a bit of a crabby day. I really don’t want to be that way but I can’t quite seem to snap fully out of it. Vienna woke up super early and I was so tired. I am finding that lack of sleep REALLY affects my mood/depression. I have known that it increases my Fibromyalgia pain and that it can make me crabby but also really affects my depression. The problem is that lack of sleep for me is when I don’t get ten hours of sleep. How in the world am I supposed to swing that? I usually try to nap for two and then try to get eight at night. However, Vienna is very close to being done with naps. I have talked with my doctors about this a great deal and unfortunately they have said that I must need that much sleep. Ugggg. It is so hard to have quality time with Vienna, quality time with Nate, keep the house somewhat picked up, spend time with God, journal, stretch, do relaxation exercises, cook, grocery shop, have a social life, exercise and get the many tasks of life done. I can’t seem to fit it all in. Usually the house does not get cleaned, we cook quick easy (not as healthy) meals if we cook at all and time with Nate gets cut short. I don’t journal as much as I would like either. I suppose I will figure it out one day. I am continuing to learn about how to live my life as normal as possible with the many physical limitations that I have.
I have a friend who is training for a half marathon. I am jealous. I miss running! When I was doing my relaxation exercises yesterday I was visualizing myself running. There is a theory that if you remember a time when you were healthy it can help your present health. It is called “remembered health”. I was visualizing running through a cool wooded area. I felt so strong, confident and healthy. I loved feeling physically strong. Now I get sore just by going for a 30 minute walk. I am totally not in shape. That is due to not being able to exercise very much, poor eating habits and my addiction to sugar. When I used to do more aerobic exercise the exercise seemed to curb my sugar cravings. Anyway I miss running. I miss kick boxing, Tae bo and Curves. I am hoping that one day I will be able to do more than walking.
I started to fall apart a bit this morning. I felt really yucky and frazzled by 8 am. I held back tears so that I could care for Vienna. As soon as Nate got up I went and cried. I was so frustrated with how I felt. I did not want to feel crabby and unstable. I wanted to get in the shower and escape to relaxation exercises but Vienna was having a meltdown about wanting me. All she wanted was me. Then I felt guilty. Mommy guilt is so easy to fall into. But if we let our moms fall into feeling guilty we will feel guilty all the time. There is always more to do with our children and they will always want more of us (at least at this age). So I finally escaped to my shower. It felt great. I did the mini relaxation exercise chanting the words; “I relax. I let go. I am still and I know that you are God.” The idea is to relax and let go off the stress and focus how God is good, faithful, and in control.
My therapist gave me some information on a technique to dull emotional pain. Supposedly if we engage both the right and left brain one cannot hold onto emotional pain. It is some sort of tapping technique. I have not finished reading all of the information but I am very eager to do so. What I have read is that you tap on specific areas on your body when you are stressed, upset or in pain. I was trying that this morning too. I think it may have helped. I need to finish reading the information. I am excited that may have a quick somewhat easy method to help me get my emotions under control.
I hate being crabby. Crabbiness go away and don’t come again another day. I am determined to NOT be crabby tomorrow. I am going to enjoy my husband and daughter!
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Touched
7-7-10 (12:51 am)
I just had the most honest, touching and healing conversation with my sister. She read my Bad Day entry before I edited it for the fourth time and was very concerned. She asked me a lot of challenging questions. She asked me what I would do if Nate got sick and was in the hospital. She asked how I would handle it. What would I do? Good question. I would pray a lot. I would ask people for help and I would find a way to take care of him, me and my daughter. I would rally.
I believe that God does not give us more than we can handle. He always wants to help us, He is willing to die for us (and He did) and He will never leave us. But most times He does not help us in the way we think He should. We want Him to take away all the yucky stuff and to just make it better. He wants us to learn, grow, persevere and depend on Him.
I would ask for help. I have been extremely humbled and touched in the past year by the many people who have helped me. I have been overwhelmed with the kindness of the people in my life. I never used to want to ask for help. I did not want to burden others. I felt like I had to be strong and do it all by myself. I thought that I had to pretend everything was good in order for people to still want to be around me. But God wants us to bear one another’s burdens. He wants us to help other people and most people really do want to help. I know I do. I want to support, encourage, love, help and bless the people in my life. I have learned that is ok to ask for help. I am not weak for recognizing that I need some assistance. Thank you to everyone who has helped me. I cannot express in words how much your support and love means to me. I am truly a blessed woman. I am so thankful that I do not have to fight this fight alone.
Anyway…back to my conversation with my sister, it was refreshing to be so honest. It was refreshing to have her ask how my marriage is and if I am happy. So many of us want to ask family members questions like that but are afraid of prying or offending. My marriage is great by the way. It has been an extremely challenging year but we are in love, totally committed to each other and happy to be spending our lives together. She told me how much she loves me and is rooting for me. She was honest and said that it is very hard to read my blog sometimes. As much as she wants to help me there is only so much she can do. She said that ultimately it is up to me to make myself happy. I agree for the most part. I have a whole theory on happiness that is too long to get into now. But yes this battle ultimately has to be fought by me. I have God with me every step of the way. He will help me fight and will be my shield as well as an arrow in the fight. I have family and friends who are encouraging and helping me. However, the responsibility of fighting and winning the war with depression rests upon me. I do realize that. I am not looking for medicine to be some easy way out or quick fix. Like I have said before I am fighting to win this war and I will not give up!
Thanks sis for asking me the tough uncomfortable questions. Thank you for being gentle while asking them and for reassuring me that you were not criticizing me. Thank you for telling me how much you love me and how often you are thinking of me. I am so grateful for you. I am so blessed to have someone who loves me the way you do. Unconditional love is somewhat rare in our society. Sister, thank you for loving me unconditionally and thank you so much for telling me that you love me unconditionally. I am touched by your sincere encouragement and your willingness to challenge me. I feel even better than I did when I got on the phone with you and I was feeling really good.
I think it is interesting how so many people feel like they cannot be totally honest with family members.
I have been so blessed with amazing women (some men too) over the past few days. First I had many friends and church members praying for me and for the terrible nightmares I was having. Then I received some very encouraging and helpful messages about how to handle terrifying nightmares. My Pastor sent me a message over facebook but he also called me to see how he could encourage me and so that we could pray together about the nightmares. Secondly I have talked to some amazing women who have been like a big burst of sunshine in my life. They have been like the rainbow that comes after the terrible storm (Monday was my storm). A rainbow offers light and hope after the storm with its breathtaking beauty and symbolizes new beginnings. Emily, Sandi, Liz and Sara you guys rock. Thank you for being a ray of sunshine in my life and a rainbow that glows with hope and beauty.
I just had the most honest, touching and healing conversation with my sister. She read my Bad Day entry before I edited it for the fourth time and was very concerned. She asked me a lot of challenging questions. She asked me what I would do if Nate got sick and was in the hospital. She asked how I would handle it. What would I do? Good question. I would pray a lot. I would ask people for help and I would find a way to take care of him, me and my daughter. I would rally.
I believe that God does not give us more than we can handle. He always wants to help us, He is willing to die for us (and He did) and He will never leave us. But most times He does not help us in the way we think He should. We want Him to take away all the yucky stuff and to just make it better. He wants us to learn, grow, persevere and depend on Him.
I would ask for help. I have been extremely humbled and touched in the past year by the many people who have helped me. I have been overwhelmed with the kindness of the people in my life. I never used to want to ask for help. I did not want to burden others. I felt like I had to be strong and do it all by myself. I thought that I had to pretend everything was good in order for people to still want to be around me. But God wants us to bear one another’s burdens. He wants us to help other people and most people really do want to help. I know I do. I want to support, encourage, love, help and bless the people in my life. I have learned that is ok to ask for help. I am not weak for recognizing that I need some assistance. Thank you to everyone who has helped me. I cannot express in words how much your support and love means to me. I am truly a blessed woman. I am so thankful that I do not have to fight this fight alone.
Anyway…back to my conversation with my sister, it was refreshing to be so honest. It was refreshing to have her ask how my marriage is and if I am happy. So many of us want to ask family members questions like that but are afraid of prying or offending. My marriage is great by the way. It has been an extremely challenging year but we are in love, totally committed to each other and happy to be spending our lives together. She told me how much she loves me and is rooting for me. She was honest and said that it is very hard to read my blog sometimes. As much as she wants to help me there is only so much she can do. She said that ultimately it is up to me to make myself happy. I agree for the most part. I have a whole theory on happiness that is too long to get into now. But yes this battle ultimately has to be fought by me. I have God with me every step of the way. He will help me fight and will be my shield as well as an arrow in the fight. I have family and friends who are encouraging and helping me. However, the responsibility of fighting and winning the war with depression rests upon me. I do realize that. I am not looking for medicine to be some easy way out or quick fix. Like I have said before I am fighting to win this war and I will not give up!
Thanks sis for asking me the tough uncomfortable questions. Thank you for being gentle while asking them and for reassuring me that you were not criticizing me. Thank you for telling me how much you love me and how often you are thinking of me. I am so grateful for you. I am so blessed to have someone who loves me the way you do. Unconditional love is somewhat rare in our society. Sister, thank you for loving me unconditionally and thank you so much for telling me that you love me unconditionally. I am touched by your sincere encouragement and your willingness to challenge me. I feel even better than I did when I got on the phone with you and I was feeling really good.
I think it is interesting how so many people feel like they cannot be totally honest with family members.
I have been so blessed with amazing women (some men too) over the past few days. First I had many friends and church members praying for me and for the terrible nightmares I was having. Then I received some very encouraging and helpful messages about how to handle terrifying nightmares. My Pastor sent me a message over facebook but he also called me to see how he could encourage me and so that we could pray together about the nightmares. Secondly I have talked to some amazing women who have been like a big burst of sunshine in my life. They have been like the rainbow that comes after the terrible storm (Monday was my storm). A rainbow offers light and hope after the storm with its breathtaking beauty and symbolizes new beginnings. Emily, Sandi, Liz and Sara you guys rock. Thank you for being a ray of sunshine in my life and a rainbow that glows with hope and beauty.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
So Proud
7-6-10
I was just writing about the horrifying nightmares I have been having lately. They must be too horrible to record because the computer shut off by itself before I saved what I was writing. Interesting. I feel like I need to get the upsetting images out of my mind. I feel so betrayed by them. How dare they enter my mind while I am sleeping? But I suppose I don’t need a record of the yucky images.
So today is another day. I would love to say the day has started out better and that I am all better today. But so far I have been reeling from the terrible dreams that I had. I am trying to process them and then get rid of the images FOREVER! I don’t know why I have such vivid dreams. They are often too horrible to speak of.
God is so good to me. He wants me to have a good day. My favorite worship song just came on the radio.
“We stand and lift up our hands for the joy of the Lord is our strength. We bow down and worship Him now, how great, how awesome is He….Holy is the Lord God almighty. The earth is filled with His glory.”
7-7-10
I am really proud of myself. Yesterday did not start well. But I realized I was not doing well and I decided that the best thing for me to do was go to a movie. For some reason movies are very therapeutic for me. Then after the movie I picked up V from daycare and we went to Hawk Island. Hawk Island is a park that has a man-made lake. I was still feeling tired and emotionally drained but I really wanted to be with my daughter. Swimming is something that I could do with her without having to use much emotional energy. We had a really nice time. I felt good after that. Not great but good. I felt good enough to let my wonderful man relax while I put V to bed. After that I walked the dog. I was very tired but again I wanted Nate to be able to relax. By that time I was very tired but I was feeling good. I made another really good decision when I called my friend during the walk. She is an old friend from middle school. We had not talked since our senior year of high school. Then she looked me up after I had my daughter. Anyway we picked right up where we left off and talking to her is so refreshing. Plus we laugh a lot when we talk and laughter is so good for me (for everyone). I felt pretty great after chatting with my friend. I was at peace and was feeling like I could handle life. Then before bed I chatted with another old friend from college. She is going through a very difficult time. I was feeling healthy and positive. So much so that I was able to encourage her and offer her some hope. Then I had a really awesome time of prayer before I went to bed. I am really proud of myself. I made really good decisions for my mental health yesterday. Yay Carly.
Today was a good day. Parts of it were great. Yay…hip-hip-hurray. I had many friends who prayed for me yesterday. Thank you friends. God heard the many prayers and I did not have nightmares last night. YAY!
I went to therapy and then had lunch with a beloved old friend from middle and high school. She lives in New York so I do not get to see her often. I adore her. It was fabulous catching up, sharing our honest feelings and laughing. It was so great to see her! Friends are such an amazing blessing. I also really enjoyed church this evening. We had a good time of worship. The Scripture that we read was extremely encouraging and I played water balloon games with the kids. God is good, life is good and my friends are awesome!
I was just writing about the horrifying nightmares I have been having lately. They must be too horrible to record because the computer shut off by itself before I saved what I was writing. Interesting. I feel like I need to get the upsetting images out of my mind. I feel so betrayed by them. How dare they enter my mind while I am sleeping? But I suppose I don’t need a record of the yucky images.
So today is another day. I would love to say the day has started out better and that I am all better today. But so far I have been reeling from the terrible dreams that I had. I am trying to process them and then get rid of the images FOREVER! I don’t know why I have such vivid dreams. They are often too horrible to speak of.
God is so good to me. He wants me to have a good day. My favorite worship song just came on the radio.
“We stand and lift up our hands for the joy of the Lord is our strength. We bow down and worship Him now, how great, how awesome is He….Holy is the Lord God almighty. The earth is filled with His glory.”
7-7-10
I am really proud of myself. Yesterday did not start well. But I realized I was not doing well and I decided that the best thing for me to do was go to a movie. For some reason movies are very therapeutic for me. Then after the movie I picked up V from daycare and we went to Hawk Island. Hawk Island is a park that has a man-made lake. I was still feeling tired and emotionally drained but I really wanted to be with my daughter. Swimming is something that I could do with her without having to use much emotional energy. We had a really nice time. I felt good after that. Not great but good. I felt good enough to let my wonderful man relax while I put V to bed. After that I walked the dog. I was very tired but again I wanted Nate to be able to relax. By that time I was very tired but I was feeling good. I made another really good decision when I called my friend during the walk. She is an old friend from middle school. We had not talked since our senior year of high school. Then she looked me up after I had my daughter. Anyway we picked right up where we left off and talking to her is so refreshing. Plus we laugh a lot when we talk and laughter is so good for me (for everyone). I felt pretty great after chatting with my friend. I was at peace and was feeling like I could handle life. Then before bed I chatted with another old friend from college. She is going through a very difficult time. I was feeling healthy and positive. So much so that I was able to encourage her and offer her some hope. Then I had a really awesome time of prayer before I went to bed. I am really proud of myself. I made really good decisions for my mental health yesterday. Yay Carly.
Today was a good day. Parts of it were great. Yay…hip-hip-hurray. I had many friends who prayed for me yesterday. Thank you friends. God heard the many prayers and I did not have nightmares last night. YAY!
I went to therapy and then had lunch with a beloved old friend from middle and high school. She lives in New York so I do not get to see her often. I adore her. It was fabulous catching up, sharing our honest feelings and laughing. It was so great to see her! Friends are such an amazing blessing. I also really enjoyed church this evening. We had a good time of worship. The Scripture that we read was extremely encouraging and I played water balloon games with the kids. God is good, life is good and my friends are awesome!
Bad Day!
WARNING: This is a very raw entry. I have written about my honest unfiltered feelings. I had a very bad day but I am much better now. Please don't read this if you cannot handle some intense emotion.
7-5-10
I don’t want to live like this. I don’t want to feel like this. I hate being me right now. I hate that I am irrational, unstable and irritable. I was doing well. Then I received a few critical statements that I could not seem to let go of. Then I was really tired and crabby. Then today I fell apart. I left crayons in the car. They melted. When Nate got rightfully upset I could not handle it. I couldn’t stop thinking of all the many many things that I screw up. I was unfair to him and was SO incredibly irrational when he shared his frustration. Then I just wanted to die. I felt (feel) like I needed to be punished. I was so crazy and out of control. It was like I was watching myself from above knowing that I was acting irrational but I could not stop myself. It was horrible. I feel horrible.
Everything has consequences. Every time I freak out I hurt Nate. I worry him; I appear less capable of taking care of my daughter. I hate freaking consequences. I hate that they happen when I am a mess, unstable and not me. Why am I not me? Why am I like this? Why can’t I control myself? I used to be able to keep myself together.
And if anyone fucking answers that I need to try harder than I am going to throw a plate at their head. Today was not normal. There is something crazy going on inside my brain. Something is not working right. I have been practicing my damn thinking positive stuff. I have been praying and asking God for help. I have been exercising. I have been doing my best to enjoy everything. I have been waking up and taking time to thank God for all the good things I have. So I am freaking doing my part.
I don’t know what to do. My husband totally deserves better. He deserves to have a stable loving wife who is able to keep herself together. He deserves to have a non-chaotic household. He deserves to have a loving wife that he can count on and some crazy woman that might fall apart at any moment. I feel so terrible. He feels like he made me get depressed today. I had been doing well and then he got upset with me and I freaked out. Ever since then I have been crying and barely hanging on. But if we look at the past two days there were signs.
I was so exhausted on Saturday that I took a 3 hour nap. Then I slept from 11:30 pm until 3:00 pm on Sunday. I got up for a half hour to try to get ready for church. I could barely keep my eyes open and I was unbelievably crabby. Now I was legitimately physically tired. Sometimes people who are depressed sleep to escape how they are feeling. This was not one of those occasions. I literally could barely keep my eyes open and I slept really hard that whole time. Then I was back in bed at 9 pm and slept all night last night except when I woke up in pain. Anyway that is not normal. And my irritability level was not normal either.
Nate worked very hard while I was gone cleaning all the carpets in the house. The problem is that anything that was on the floor or on top of furniture got thrown in garbage bags. The bookshelves were emptied and put into boxes ect… Well our house has a lot of excess stuff in it. I need to organize better and we need to find permenant places to put stuff in. Right now much of it ends up in piles on furniture (Yes I know that it is pathetic that I cannot keep my house organized and that if I did there would not be this huge mess now). Anyway, all of those piles are now in unmarked garbage bags. So I came home from and exhausting but mostly enjoyable trip to the house being in complete disarray. As much as I wanted to be grateful for all the hard work that Nate did I was so pissed that everything was everywhere. I could not even walk in my daughter’s bedroom without tripping over stuff. I kept having to ask him where things (like my newly potty trained daughter’s underwear and pull-ups were and where my shoes that were under the bed had been put and where my pile of important papers) had been moved to. The answers I was given were often I don’t know or somewhere in a garbage bag. So my state of mind was not the best since I was extremely exhausted with 50% less anti-depressants in my body. The chaos and disarray was too much for me to handle. My poor sweet husband. I should have been singing his praises and instead I was pissy to him about the house being torn apart.
I am so disappointed. I have spent the past two weeks weaning off Celexa which is one of my anti-depressant medications. I was doing really well. I was feeling good. I was feeling more like Carly and less like crazy depressed weirdo Carly. I was so excited I thought that maybe the ECT treatments had worked but had taken time for me to see the full effects. I thought that I was going to be able to feel good, be stable, rational, calm, content and not depressed while only having to take one anti-depressant medication. I was thrilled. Well I guess that is not going to happen. I now have to start another new medicine with a whole new set of oh so fun side effects. I get to enjoy those side effects for a good month before we can tell if the side effects are worth enduring. It usually takes at least a month if not two to find if the anti-depressant will actually decrease the depression and other problems I am having.
Yes I sound bitter and cynical. That is how I feel tonight. Tomorrow will be better (I hope). Tomorrow I will choose to believe that the new meds are going to work. I will choose to trust and believe that God is healing me. Tonight, on the other hand, I am pissed off that my brain is so screwed up and that I am so screwed up. I am pissed that a family member made critical comments about my parenting skills. I am doing the best that I can. And I am PAINFULLY aware of my many short comings in this area of my life. I would love to be the perfect parent but it is just not in the cards for me or anyone for that matter. I am trying. I am doing my best. My daughter adores me so I must be doing ok. I know I fall short so please stop reminding me!!!!!! If she is serious danger of getting hurt due to my negligence or lack of parenting skills then please speak up otherwise PLEASE shut up! I ask lots of people on many occasions for parenting help and advice because I am open to learn and improve in any way that I can. If I want your advice I will ask for it.
I would really like to go buy some cheap plates and then smash them. I think that sounds very therapeutic. I want to smash some plates and get out some of my anger and frustration. Maybe if I punish the plates then I won’t feel the need to punish myself for sucking today. Maybe.
Ok. How am I doing with my goals?
Goals for June
1. Fill in flower beds *
2. Hang up clothes in bedroom *
3. Put away Vienna’s clothes *
4. Clear off kitchen table*
5. Have birthday party for Vienna *
6. Put up swing set *
7. Clean bathroom (me clean it rather than Nate)
8. Clean Laundry area (wipe down)
9. Take Vienna to Hawk Island *
10. Go to counseling with husband *
11. Come up with Daycare plan *
12. Drink 8 glasses of water a day *
13. Pray regularly for Nate and Vienna *
14. Meet with Dad *
I suppose 12 out of 14 are not that bad. Now I need to continue hanging up the clothes in the bedroom, putting away Vienna’s clothes, keeping kitchen table cleared off, drinking water and praying regularly for Nate and Vienna. And cleaning the bathroom and the laundry room will get moved onto my July goal list.
Thank goodness tomorrow is another day. God is good. Tomorrow will be better.
Update:
It is now two days after my very bad day. I am doing much better. I even sound good if you talk to me. I just finished talking to my sister and she said several times that I sound good. I am new at this blogging thing. Sometimes I write everything I am feeling and I do not filter it enough to post online. I apologize for the times I have worried anyone who reads this. This particular entry I have edited four times now. (I just edited it again).
I feel like I have learned a great deal in the past two days. I was really scared by how I felt on Monday. I was afraid that the severe depression was back and that was overwhelming. I am still struggling with depression but I am much better than I was. I overreacted on a bad day. I was irrational but I felt much better after I vented my feelings through writing. I am still learning how to handle my intense emotions. Anyway I am ok. I had a very depressed day but I am good now and I am moving forward. I feel very hopeful and healthy about what happened on Monday because I have learned from it. I am continuing to learn, grow, change and heal. I am fighting a very challenging fight but I am fighting to win. I WILL NOT GIVE UP.
7-5-10
I don’t want to live like this. I don’t want to feel like this. I hate being me right now. I hate that I am irrational, unstable and irritable. I was doing well. Then I received a few critical statements that I could not seem to let go of. Then I was really tired and crabby. Then today I fell apart. I left crayons in the car. They melted. When Nate got rightfully upset I could not handle it. I couldn’t stop thinking of all the many many things that I screw up. I was unfair to him and was SO incredibly irrational when he shared his frustration. Then I just wanted to die. I felt (feel) like I needed to be punished. I was so crazy and out of control. It was like I was watching myself from above knowing that I was acting irrational but I could not stop myself. It was horrible. I feel horrible.
Everything has consequences. Every time I freak out I hurt Nate. I worry him; I appear less capable of taking care of my daughter. I hate freaking consequences. I hate that they happen when I am a mess, unstable and not me. Why am I not me? Why am I like this? Why can’t I control myself? I used to be able to keep myself together.
And if anyone fucking answers that I need to try harder than I am going to throw a plate at their head. Today was not normal. There is something crazy going on inside my brain. Something is not working right. I have been practicing my damn thinking positive stuff. I have been praying and asking God for help. I have been exercising. I have been doing my best to enjoy everything. I have been waking up and taking time to thank God for all the good things I have. So I am freaking doing my part.
I don’t know what to do. My husband totally deserves better. He deserves to have a stable loving wife who is able to keep herself together. He deserves to have a non-chaotic household. He deserves to have a loving wife that he can count on and some crazy woman that might fall apart at any moment. I feel so terrible. He feels like he made me get depressed today. I had been doing well and then he got upset with me and I freaked out. Ever since then I have been crying and barely hanging on. But if we look at the past two days there were signs.
I was so exhausted on Saturday that I took a 3 hour nap. Then I slept from 11:30 pm until 3:00 pm on Sunday. I got up for a half hour to try to get ready for church. I could barely keep my eyes open and I was unbelievably crabby. Now I was legitimately physically tired. Sometimes people who are depressed sleep to escape how they are feeling. This was not one of those occasions. I literally could barely keep my eyes open and I slept really hard that whole time. Then I was back in bed at 9 pm and slept all night last night except when I woke up in pain. Anyway that is not normal. And my irritability level was not normal either.
Nate worked very hard while I was gone cleaning all the carpets in the house. The problem is that anything that was on the floor or on top of furniture got thrown in garbage bags. The bookshelves were emptied and put into boxes ect… Well our house has a lot of excess stuff in it. I need to organize better and we need to find permenant places to put stuff in. Right now much of it ends up in piles on furniture (Yes I know that it is pathetic that I cannot keep my house organized and that if I did there would not be this huge mess now). Anyway, all of those piles are now in unmarked garbage bags. So I came home from and exhausting but mostly enjoyable trip to the house being in complete disarray. As much as I wanted to be grateful for all the hard work that Nate did I was so pissed that everything was everywhere. I could not even walk in my daughter’s bedroom without tripping over stuff. I kept having to ask him where things (like my newly potty trained daughter’s underwear and pull-ups were and where my shoes that were under the bed had been put and where my pile of important papers) had been moved to. The answers I was given were often I don’t know or somewhere in a garbage bag. So my state of mind was not the best since I was extremely exhausted with 50% less anti-depressants in my body. The chaos and disarray was too much for me to handle. My poor sweet husband. I should have been singing his praises and instead I was pissy to him about the house being torn apart.
I am so disappointed. I have spent the past two weeks weaning off Celexa which is one of my anti-depressant medications. I was doing really well. I was feeling good. I was feeling more like Carly and less like crazy depressed weirdo Carly. I was so excited I thought that maybe the ECT treatments had worked but had taken time for me to see the full effects. I thought that I was going to be able to feel good, be stable, rational, calm, content and not depressed while only having to take one anti-depressant medication. I was thrilled. Well I guess that is not going to happen. I now have to start another new medicine with a whole new set of oh so fun side effects. I get to enjoy those side effects for a good month before we can tell if the side effects are worth enduring. It usually takes at least a month if not two to find if the anti-depressant will actually decrease the depression and other problems I am having.
Yes I sound bitter and cynical. That is how I feel tonight. Tomorrow will be better (I hope). Tomorrow I will choose to believe that the new meds are going to work. I will choose to trust and believe that God is healing me. Tonight, on the other hand, I am pissed off that my brain is so screwed up and that I am so screwed up. I am pissed that a family member made critical comments about my parenting skills. I am doing the best that I can. And I am PAINFULLY aware of my many short comings in this area of my life. I would love to be the perfect parent but it is just not in the cards for me or anyone for that matter. I am trying. I am doing my best. My daughter adores me so I must be doing ok. I know I fall short so please stop reminding me!!!!!! If she is serious danger of getting hurt due to my negligence or lack of parenting skills then please speak up otherwise PLEASE shut up! I ask lots of people on many occasions for parenting help and advice because I am open to learn and improve in any way that I can. If I want your advice I will ask for it.
I would really like to go buy some cheap plates and then smash them. I think that sounds very therapeutic. I want to smash some plates and get out some of my anger and frustration. Maybe if I punish the plates then I won’t feel the need to punish myself for sucking today. Maybe.
Ok. How am I doing with my goals?
Goals for June
1. Fill in flower beds *
2. Hang up clothes in bedroom *
3. Put away Vienna’s clothes *
4. Clear off kitchen table*
5. Have birthday party for Vienna *
6. Put up swing set *
7. Clean bathroom (me clean it rather than Nate)
8. Clean Laundry area (wipe down)
9. Take Vienna to Hawk Island *
10. Go to counseling with husband *
11. Come up with Daycare plan *
12. Drink 8 glasses of water a day *
13. Pray regularly for Nate and Vienna *
14. Meet with Dad *
I suppose 12 out of 14 are not that bad. Now I need to continue hanging up the clothes in the bedroom, putting away Vienna’s clothes, keeping kitchen table cleared off, drinking water and praying regularly for Nate and Vienna. And cleaning the bathroom and the laundry room will get moved onto my July goal list.
Thank goodness tomorrow is another day. God is good. Tomorrow will be better.
Update:
It is now two days after my very bad day. I am doing much better. I even sound good if you talk to me. I just finished talking to my sister and she said several times that I sound good. I am new at this blogging thing. Sometimes I write everything I am feeling and I do not filter it enough to post online. I apologize for the times I have worried anyone who reads this. This particular entry I have edited four times now. (I just edited it again).
I feel like I have learned a great deal in the past two days. I was really scared by how I felt on Monday. I was afraid that the severe depression was back and that was overwhelming. I am still struggling with depression but I am much better than I was. I overreacted on a bad day. I was irrational but I felt much better after I vented my feelings through writing. I am still learning how to handle my intense emotions. Anyway I am ok. I had a very depressed day but I am good now and I am moving forward. I feel very hopeful and healthy about what happened on Monday because I have learned from it. I am continuing to learn, grow, change and heal. I am fighting a very challenging fight but I am fighting to win. I WILL NOT GIVE UP.
Feeling Fuzzy
6-29-30
I have a cold. Ickkk! I want to go lay down but I am not sure if that is the cold or the depression speaking. I have been weaning off Celexa from 60 mg down to 10 tomorrow. So far it has been ok. I am so thankful. I wake up each morning thanking God that I am no spiraling down the depression hole.
It has been hard to take care of my emotional/mental health while I have been sick. It is hard to journal when your head is pounding. I tried reading Purpose Driven Life yesterday but my head was too fuzzy. Anyway, I am trying not to be bummed that I am sick. If I let myself dwell on it I could get down about it. It is beautiful out and I am lying around inside.
Plus I am supposed to go up North with V and some of my family tomorrow. However one family member has a low immune system so I cannot go if I am sick. The last thing I want to do is make her sick but I hate to miss out on more of summer. What is really hard is that I have been talking to V and getting her excited about going all week. I don’t want to let her down. So many of our plans get changed because I do not feel well. I was going to keep her home with me this morning but then I decided that I really needed to rest in order to feel better for the trip. I want to be a woman of my word. If I tell V we are going to do something I want to do it. I do not want to let her down or make her feel I am not dependable. I guess I really need to not tell her about things until we are actually leaving to do them. That way I protect her and me. I hate not being able to do things because I am sick or depressed.
V told me last night and this morning that she does not want to go to daycare anymore. I tried so hard not to feel guilty and let her words get to me. She is fine there. She just misses me. The problem is I miss her. I am aching to have more time with her. I want to take her to the beach and to the park and enjoy summer with her. The problem is that those things are not fun and are stressful when I am not feeling well. This morning was hard because I don’t feel well. I am ready to be healthy and to enjoy my life!
I have not cried in about a week. I don’t think that crying is a bad thing. In fact it can be very therapeutic but me not crying shows that I have been doing pretty well. Today that changed when I realized I could not take V up north if I have a cold. I am just so sad that one more time I am letting her down. I know it is not the end of the world or even that big of a deal. It is just that this (me canceling and changing plans) is becoming far too common. And she is old enough now to see my inconsistency. Children want to know they can count on their parents. Ok….deep breath…..it will be ok. We may just have to wait another day. And if we have to stay home I can take her swimming here.
I have been practicing my cognitive behavioral therapy a lot lately. Whenever I start to think negatively I stop my thoughts and change them. Yeah me!
I have a cold. Ickkk! I want to go lay down but I am not sure if that is the cold or the depression speaking. I have been weaning off Celexa from 60 mg down to 10 tomorrow. So far it has been ok. I am so thankful. I wake up each morning thanking God that I am no spiraling down the depression hole.
It has been hard to take care of my emotional/mental health while I have been sick. It is hard to journal when your head is pounding. I tried reading Purpose Driven Life yesterday but my head was too fuzzy. Anyway, I am trying not to be bummed that I am sick. If I let myself dwell on it I could get down about it. It is beautiful out and I am lying around inside.
Plus I am supposed to go up North with V and some of my family tomorrow. However one family member has a low immune system so I cannot go if I am sick. The last thing I want to do is make her sick but I hate to miss out on more of summer. What is really hard is that I have been talking to V and getting her excited about going all week. I don’t want to let her down. So many of our plans get changed because I do not feel well. I was going to keep her home with me this morning but then I decided that I really needed to rest in order to feel better for the trip. I want to be a woman of my word. If I tell V we are going to do something I want to do it. I do not want to let her down or make her feel I am not dependable. I guess I really need to not tell her about things until we are actually leaving to do them. That way I protect her and me. I hate not being able to do things because I am sick or depressed.
V told me last night and this morning that she does not want to go to daycare anymore. I tried so hard not to feel guilty and let her words get to me. She is fine there. She just misses me. The problem is I miss her. I am aching to have more time with her. I want to take her to the beach and to the park and enjoy summer with her. The problem is that those things are not fun and are stressful when I am not feeling well. This morning was hard because I don’t feel well. I am ready to be healthy and to enjoy my life!
I have not cried in about a week. I don’t think that crying is a bad thing. In fact it can be very therapeutic but me not crying shows that I have been doing pretty well. Today that changed when I realized I could not take V up north if I have a cold. I am just so sad that one more time I am letting her down. I know it is not the end of the world or even that big of a deal. It is just that this (me canceling and changing plans) is becoming far too common. And she is old enough now to see my inconsistency. Children want to know they can count on their parents. Ok….deep breath…..it will be ok. We may just have to wait another day. And if we have to stay home I can take her swimming here.
I have been practicing my cognitive behavioral therapy a lot lately. Whenever I start to think negatively I stop my thoughts and change them. Yeah me!
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