I am so Grateful

I am so fragile when I am struggling with depression. The littlest things seem to stress me out. I am especially having a hard time with my daughter’s crying and whining. She is having a really hard time adjusting to the new schedule. Usually she stayed up with us in the evenings until 9:30 and then would sleep until 8. But now we have to get her up at 6:45. She cries in the morning begging us to let her go back to bed and then she cries and tells me she wants to stay home with me. It is breaking my already fragile heart. She is also having a hard time going to bed earlier. She is used to spending all day with me and several hours with Nate in the evening. She misses me all day and then is having her time with us cut short in the evenings. I am trying very hard not to feel guilty.
I keep telling myself that depression is an illness and that if I were sick with some other debilitating disease that we would be in the same boat. I need to take care of myself right now so that I can take care of V in the future. By having her in daycare we don’t have to worry about her during the day. She is safe and having fun.

My depression has been extremely hard on my husband. He is so amazing. He is patient, loving and so supportive but he is also human with needs of his own. It was too much for him to be worrying about me and V all day. With V in daycare he can relax and know that she is happy and being well cared for.

I had another really good day today. I woke up feeling like myself. I was happy to be alive and was motivated to get things done. It is really crazy how some mornings I wake up with this huge dark cloud looming over me. I wake up feeling sad, tired, overwhelmed and unmotivated. It is a huge challenge just to get out of bed. Then I had a morning like today. I woke up rejuvenated and very thankful for the day ahead. I sang praise songs as I got ready to go to my ECT treatment and spent time in prayer.

I have decided to start an “I’m so grateful” journal. Each day before I start the day I am going to write down 3 things I am grateful for before I start my day. Then before bed I will write 3 more things or people that I am thankful for. When I started it yesterday I couldn’t limit myself to 3 things. I have so very much to be grateful for.

I listed all of my friends and family which was a very long list. I am so blessed to have such great people in my life. I am also grateful for the kind nurses who care for me when I get my ECT treatments. They make me feel comfortable and are very encouraging.

I am also grateful for:

1. The birds singing this morning
2. The sunshine
3. My amazing daughter
4. I have my own car
5. Funny movies
6. Medical insurance
7. The privilege of staying home with my daughter
8. Dr. Barns
9. Facebook (it helps keep me connected with the people I care about).
10. God’s faithfulness
11. God’s Word
12. Joyce (a really nice nurse who cares for me)

Trying to Change

I just kissed my daughter goodbye and sent her off to her first day of daycare. She did not want to wake up. She tearfully told me that she wanted to stay home with me or that she wanted me to go with her. Her tears just broke my heart. My heart is breaking. Lots of children go to daycare but not usually because the mom is too depressed to take care of the child. I feel like I have failed her and like I have failed me. My job right now has been to raise V and to keep our home running smoothly. I seem to be failing at both.

My thoughts are so jumbled right now.

I wish I could say that I have had 4 good days in a row. Thursday was good, Friday was challenging, Saturday was good and yesterday was terrible. I could not stop crying last night. I was shaking I was crying so hard and I could not pin point the reason I was crying. There were a few things going on but nothing to warrant that kind of crying.

I am feeling rather useless right now. I get overwhelmed by everything. I feel so weak. Why can’t I handle my life? I know depression is a disease but I still feel like it is my fault. I still feel guilty for letting my child, husband, parents, and friends down.

I am trying to change the way I think about things. For example; “I am not a failure for taking my child to daycare. I am going through a difficult time and I need to focus on getting healthy. Taking V to daycare will be the best thing for all of us in the long run. Having her in child care is not permanent and I am not a bad mother for taking time to take care of myself.”

It is not so hard to change my thoughts but rather my feelings. I often try to think one way but feel another way. There is so much hurt inside of me. Sometimes I just don’t know what to do with it. Where do I put it and how do I process it?

I have made some goals for the day. It is time for me to go work on them.

A Really Good Day

I am thrilled to report that I have had a good day today. For the first time in a while I really enjoyed my daughter. I knew my depression was getting bad when I was no longer enjoying my delightful daughter. She made me laugh and smile and I felt alive again. I think my treatments are starting to help.  I also had a lovely time with my friend tonight.  Girl time is really very important and is so refreshing.

My husband has been amazing. He is amazing. He is supportive, patient, and so very loving. I feel completely treasured and safe when I am with him. I don’t have to pretend to be ok with him and I know he still loves me even when I am depressed or crabby.

My parents and friends have also been extremely supportive. My mom watched V today and they both had a wonderful time. She drove me to the hospital and gave lots of kisses while telling me that she loved me. Both of my parents and step-parents have told me they are proud of me. I feel extremely blessed to have such a wonderful support system. I already knew I was very lucky to have the friends and family that I have but that became even more evident when I was in the hospital. There were people there who had actually tried to commit suicide (which I have not tried nor do I have any desire to) and many of them did not have anyone who were truly supporting them. I have been frequently asked by doctors or counselors if I have a good support system. I am so blessed to be able to answer with a solid yes.

Fighting depression really takes a lot of courage and energy. I strongly believe that one of the ways that God has been here for me is through the many people who love me. I am so thankful for all of you who love and encourage me. Thank you, thank you and thank you!

Making the decision to have ECT treatments was a big and scary decision. I am not sure if I would have had the courage to go forward with them without the many people I have rooting and praying for me. The treatments are quite uncomfortable but if they work it will be well worth the discomfort.

I try to remind myself daily the joy of the Lord is my strength. It is really difficult to muster up joy when you are depressed but when I do I am so much stronger. I am able to fight the big looming depression monster head on rather than cowering back into its dark shadow.

My Breaking Heart

My heart is breaking a little bit today. My hubby and I are looking for childcare for our beautiful daughter. It would not be that big of a deal if I had some great job that I loved to go to every day. But I don’t. I am just too depressed to give my daughter the attention she needs. I have treatments on Tuesdays and Thursdays so I am not able to watch her at all on those days. I feel like a failure. I chose to stay home with her instead of working outside the home but now I have to have some stranger watch her. I feel so weak, so inadequate. Many people have offered to help watch her but I don’t want to burn them out.

Depression is an ugly monster. I wish I could just kill the beast. Where is God right now? He promises He is close and with me always but I feel so empty and alone. I am hurting. I hurt so much.

Please God I want to feel better. I need to feel better. I don’t like being so fragile. Lord hear my cries and answer my prayers. Thank you for your faithfulness.

“Savior, He can move the mountains. My God is mighty to save, he is mighty to save. Forever, author of salvation, he rose and conquered the grave, Jesus conquered the grave. You are mighty to save.”

“Holy is the Lord, God almighty, the earth is filled with His glory…..the joy of the Lord is my strength.”

The Lonely Road

I feel so lonely.  I feel like there is this big gaping void inside of me that is very painful.  I want to be sleeping right now but depression tends to keep me awake.  I am a bit nervous for my treatment tomorrow.  I don't know why.  This will be my third treatment but I just don't feel good about it. 

I don't really know what I am feeling right now.  It is hard to put a finger on my thoughts and feelings. I feel alone even though I know I am not alone.  I feel off, edgy, wierd, not ok and blah.

I want to feel alive, full of life, energetic, excited, overjoyed, and more like me. 

Let Tomorrow Come

I wish that today was over. I can’t fall asleep. I am anxious and just plain feeling depressed. I am so ready to go to sleep so that tomorrow will come quickly and this day will be over. The depression was thick and heavy today. I felt like I had this heaviness on me all day, like there was a thick grey cloud looming over me and pressing down on me. Tears were the only thing that came easily today. Everything else seemed so hard and so overwhelming. The simplest tasks like shopping, laundry, and cleaning up one room of the house nearly knocked me out. I felt like I was in a boxing ring and the final knock-out punch was thrown at me and I was down for the count, unable to recover from such a mighty blow. But the blow was really only a couple simple tasks that were just too much for me to handle. I could have easily spent the whole day in bed. But I made myself get up and go out to do some shopping.

It is so hard for my wonderful loving husband to see me this way. He wants to fix it and take the pain away. My parents do too. I would want to make it all better if it were my man or daughter suffering. Unfortunately, other people cannot make this better for me.

I started ECT treatments last week. They are not super easy to go through. There is a lot involved in making them happen. I sure hope they help. The doctor is very optimistic and thinks that they will really help get me feeling 100%. I cannot even imagine feeling 100%. It has been so long since I felt that way.

I feel so miserable right now. Why can’t I get better? Why can’t I get over this? What is wrong with me? I know this is a medical condition but I still feel this way. I think I would rather something physical to deal with. I feel weak and out of control.

I wonder why my husband would want to stay with me. I know he loves me but I feel like I have nothing to give him. I haven’t been able to keep the house clean, I am so emotional all the time and when he comes home I pretty much crash for the night. He has made so many sacrifices for me. I just don’t feel like I am worth it. He doesn’t feel that way but right now I do. Even when I am not depressed I still have fibromyalgia and am limited in what I can do. I hope one day I can serve him the way he has served me.


I feel like I am lazy. I have such a hard time getting going. I could have gotten work done today but I just watched movies instead. I was feeling really numb earlier today. I am not sure what is better, being numb or crying all the time.

I’d like to right more but I just don’t have the energy.

Hope

I am really tired again today. I think I have an ear infection. I don’t really need any more challenges right now. Today was very stressful. Some family read my blog and freaked out a bit. I can understand why it was upsetting. They love me. But more stress is not what I need right now. Just so all of you know, I am not going to hurt myself. I don’t want to hurt myself. I just want/need to feel better. My husband and I have decided to get me into some sort of depression recovery program this week. I think that is a really good thing.

Some thoughts I had in February

I was crying out to God when I wrote this.  Deperately trying to cling to some hope.

2-18-07

You are the everlasting God. You lift me up like wings on eagles. The joy of the Lord is my strength. It is, it is, it is. God is all powerful. His power is made perfect in weakness. I feel so weak. I can do all things through Him who strengthens me. He gives me strength. I can make it through depression. He can do it. I can ride along. I can’t stop crying. It hurts so much. I feel like giving up. I won’t but I feel like it. Man do I feel like it.

I just spent time alone in my living room singing and listening to songs of praise to try to get my mind off how I feel. Someone suggested that I need to focus not on how I feel but what I know to be true. God’s word. Good point but I did not like hearing it. The way I feel is so overwhelming and it hurts so much. But God says He is with me, He will make me strong, and He will heal me.

So why haven’t I been healed yet. I have been struggling with depression for about half of my life. On medication for 14 years. You would think it would work already. I am feeling hopeless. But I believe in an all powerful God. How can I feel hopeless? It is so hard to cling to hope when you feel like poop. I know in my head that God’s Word is true and his power and healing are real but I don’t feel it. It is so hard to understand why I have to suffer with depression for so long. It affects my mind, my concentration, memory and I feel really dumb. I know I am not but I can’t seem to think clearly. Or maybe that is a result of the Fibromyalgia. Probably both.

I have a hard time reaching out to friends. Especially the older ones. I feel like a broken record. I have been dealing with this forever. I used to be better at pretending I was ok. Now people just think I am sort of quiet and reserved. But that is not me. Not the true to my core Carly. I miss me. I miss Carly. My mother in law said she enjoyed looking at the photos of me at camp and from High School. She said I looked happy. She said she could tell I was happy. It is not so much those places (although camp was amazing and had a lot of fun in high school) but that I was not depressed.

God please help me hold on. Thank you so much for my friends and family who love me. Please help me to learn whatever you want to teach me. I am so ready to live again. I want to truly live and enjoy my life. I have an amazing daughter and husband who have been getting the short end of the stick for too long. Thank you Lord. Thank you Lord for the many good things I have and thank you most of all for not giving up on me.

So very tired

Today has been very hard. I once learned in therapy that it is more positive to say challenging instead of hard and I usually say challenging but today was just plain hard. While I was at home with my daughter I had the hardest time getting going. I could not get motivated to get dressed, wash my face or brush my hair much less do the dishes. I really just wanted to go back to bed. I woke up hopeful singing “This is the day the Lord has made. I will rejoice and be glad in it.” But when I could not get myself moving and get anything done my hope declined. Luckily I had to take my daughter a doctor’s appointment so I was forced to get out. I managed to brush my teeth and get dressed but no shower. V’s hair was not done because she was fighting me about it and I just did not have the energy to fight. Children are so smart. I think she can tell when I don’t have any fight in me and she takes advantage of me.

We stayed out most of the day. V had a lot of energy and I knew if we did not keep moving I would fall apart. I knew if we went home I would just want to sleep and she needed me to play with her. I was really tired today. I think it is from all the crying I have been doing lately.

As soon as someone asks me how I am doing I start to cry. Well sometimes I manage to say ok and get them talking about themselves. However if they pry at all I am in tears. I am just not doing well at all. Something has got to change. I can’t go on like this. I feel like there is no way I can make it through more days like this. I know I will with God’s help. I will make it but I just don’t want to have more days like this.

I feel like I need a break from life. I feel like I need some help. I need a break from life to actually be able to let the counseling sink in and not have to rush off to the next thing. Unfortunately there is no such a thing as a break from life.

Missing Me

I am still surprised by how much depression hurts. Last night I was doubled over in pain crying like a loved one had just died. Only no one had died, except perhaps, part of me. I think that is it, I felt like I was dying. Pieces and parts of the fun, energetic, silly, intelligent, vibrant, outgoing, and spontaneous Carly have died; at least they feel like they have died. They are probably deep down somewhere inside of me buried by the dark nasty cloud of depression.

I really miss my old self. I wonder if that me is ever coming back. I have battled depression for so long that it has changed me. I have changed. I am more sensitive to other people's pain and I am a better listener. However I am also more introverted and I find that talking with people does not come as naturally to me. I don't laugh as much. Small talk is really difficult for me. I suppose that is because I just don't have the energy to pretend that everything is ok. I did that for so long. I never wanted to make people uncomfortable by telling them that I was really suffering, barely holding on, and in pain (both physical and emotional). Most people don't know what to say to that. Even my closest friends might struggle with the right words to say if my response to "How are you?" is not good, not good at all.

I also have Fibromyalgia. Fibro can manifest itself differently in each person. For me I was sick in bed for a year. I could only work for a few hours a week for a couple of years. I suffer from wide-spread body pain. Sometimes it feels like I have the flu or ran a race and everything aches and sometimes the pain is much more intense. I am also extremely fatigued but I don't sleep well. I need a lot of sleep to function.

Once the Fibromyalgia was diagnosed and it was established that the pain was not just in my head or that I was not just being lazy I could use it as an excuse for not being talkative or as vibrant as I used to be. Sometimes it really was the pain but most times it was a combination of pain and depression. It is a lot easier to tell people that you are physically not feeling well than emotionally not feeling well. People always want to know what you are depressed about. And many times I don't know. I have loving supportive parents, an amazing daughter and husband. Money can be stressful but it is for most everyone.

Anyway, today is a new day. I woke up with a headache but I am going to do my best to enjoy the day. This is the day the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it! I am going to keep telling myself "the joy of the Lord is my strength." Plus I get to see two amazing people today. Vienna loves their daughters and squeals with delight when she gets to play with them. I love that. I love seeing her so happy

The following is a prayer and some thoughts that I wrote one hour later than the above post.

God… I feel so anxious right now. I want to spend time with you. I want to pray and read your word but my thoughts are all over the place. I can’t seem to concentrate. My body is all hyped up. I need your help today. Today is a challenge already and it is only 8:18. Please help me calm down and enjoy the day. Enjoy your creation. Enjoy my life. Thank you for my wonderful, loving and supportive husband. Thank you for my adorable daughter Vienna. Thank you for my friends. Thank you for the friends that are crawling out of the woodwork to support me right now. It is good to hear that I am loved. Strangely it makes me cry. I think that is because I don’t feel I deserve all the love I am receiving. Lord please be my strength. Please give me your peace. Please help me be a patient loving mom today. I don’t want Vienna to see me cry again. She is so precious. When she sees me cry she says “Mommy are you sad?”

A devotion I have Jesus Calling spoke to me this morning. It is written as God is speaking directly to me.

This is what it said

"When I gave you my Spirit, I empowered you to live beyond your natural ability and strength. That's why it is so wrong to measure your energy level against the challenges ahead of you. The issue is not your strength but Mine, which is limitless. By walking close to me, you can accomplish My purposes in my strength."

Ok I am a bit calmer now.

Overwelmed

I woke up today grateful for all that I have and hopeful about the day. Now all I want to do is go back to bed. I feel overwhelmed and blah. Overwhelmed, overwhelmed and overwhelmed. I am trying to figure out the best way to fight this depression. I know that there are emotional, mental, physical, and spiritual components. There is so much I need to do to make myself better and I have so little energy. I wish I could just go to sleep and wake up all better without the severe reoccurring treatment resistant depression I deal with every day.

I cried myself to sleep last night.  I received an encouraging email from a new friend.  When I read I just cried and cried.  I am not sure why but I cried. 

My psychiatrist is positive that I have a severly chemically imbalanced brain. My brain needs to be jump started so to speak.  He is recomending that I do ECT treatment for my depression.  I am not sure what I think about that.    I am desperate to feel better but is there another step first.  I researched depression recovery centers on line yesterday.  I found one that I really liked but of course it cost a lot of money and insurance will not cover it. 

I need to change how I eat. I need to exercise more, spend more time with God, journal, do more reflection and keep my house cleaner and less chaotic and so much more. There is just so much to do that I get overwelmed when I try to start making things better. 

My depression hurts so much.  I feel so alone even though I know that I am not.  I have some amazing friends but I feel like I burden them.  I have been depressed for so many years that I feel like they are tired of hearing about it and they want me to get better already. 

I have hardly talked to God this week.  That is probably why  I am so ready to give up on today and just go back to bed.  I keep telling myself "the joy of the Lord is my strenght."  I have such a hard time decifering when I need to get over myself and push through, when my chemicals are out of wack and there is nothing I can do, and when I need to be obediant to God and praise him in my suffering.  I think a lot of times is is all three. 

Well I am giong to go read my Bible and pray.  And if I still feel lousy I will take a nap.  I suppose the dishes can wait.