Losing Faith

11-23-10 (12:22 AM)

I wrote on the 18th but it was too revealing to post.  When I get some energy I may edit and post it.

Today sucks. I hurt. I ache. Both emotionally and physically. I am so sad. I don’t even have the energy to write about what has been making me feel so sad and crappy. Maybe tomorrow.

I am tired of being me. Well…..I am tired of the depressed me. I have so little to offer anyone. I used to be outgoing, passionate and love to talk. Now in groups I remain quiet. I don’t have anything to contribute. I don’t know what is going on in the world. I don’t know if I will make it through another week of this damn depression. I feel void of personality. Having personality takes energy and I don’t have any of that left. I am boring and sad.

I feel burdensome. I feel like I continually let others down. I hate not being able to do what I want to do. I hate how I feel.

The ache in my heart is so deep.

I wrote this to a friend who also struggles with depression earlier. And then I also sent it to some other people. It explains how I am feeling.

I am having a really difficult time. We decided tonight to not go to Ohio to visit Nate's family for Thanksgiving because I am not doing well. I feel so guilty. But I also know I am not up for the trip. I am worried about what his family is thinking of me. The last two trips to Ohio I have stayed home because I have not been "doing well."


I hate feeling guilty. Yet I am relieved that we are not going. Yet I feel bad. I go back and forth. I wish I could just suck it up and be ok. I hate being depressed. I feel weak. I feel like a looser. I feel crappy. 

I am losing faith in God. I don't feel like praying or reading my Bible. I believe God is real. I just don't understand why I am not getting better. This depressive episode has been going on for a year and a half. Enough already. What the heck is God doing? Or not doing?

I hate to admit that I am losing faith in God. But I am a bit. I know that other people are much worse off than me. Some people cannot walk, talk, see, are dying or have lost loved ones. But I feel like I cannot escape my suffering. Depression is in my brain, my thoughts, feelings and my body. I feel like I cannot escape it.

Now I just feel like a whiny baby who needs to suck it up and make myself better. Why can’t I do that? I hate feeling so weak. I hate feeling out of control.