I am feeling really good today. I miss V terribly. I am looking forward to being healthy enough to have her home with me again. I took a long walk, read my devotional, prepared a package for my friend, chatted with a friend on the phone, had a good conversation with my neighbor, called the doctor, called the vet, and now I am journaling. The sun is shining and I feel very motivated to get “things” done. The question is; will I accomplish the right things? I still struggle with organization. I have a hard time prioritizing my activities. There is always so much to get done.
I want to do something that will really bless Nate. He has been so amazing, supportive, and patient. A clean house would bless him. I just don’t know where to start. There is so much organizing and cleaning to get done that I get overwhelmed just thinking about it. I don’t know where to start. I need to make a list of all the work that needs to be done and then prioritize each task. I have a really hard time with this. My brain seems to get overloaded when I try to get organized.
I don’t feel like showering. I realize that sounds weird. Most people love to shower but for some reason it is a lot of work for me. I think that is still a symptom of depression. I think I feel like I have limited energy and time and showering is just too much work. I certainly don’t want to be the smelly person that people don’t like to sit next to. So I really need to work on changing my attitude about this. I also don’t want Nate to feel like I have totally let myself go. I have in many ways but not because I don’t care about looking good for him. Depression just sucks so much energy away from me that self care is something that gets pushed aside until I have more energy. Lord please give me more energy and more motivation to look good for my man.
Happy/Grateful List continued
93. I had a great phone conversation with a friend today.
94. It is finally shorts weather outside.
95. I was a blessing to my neighbor.
96. V and I are planting working on a garden together.
97. The weather was perfect for a long walk.
98. Today is Friday so I will get lots of quality family time the next couple of days.
99. I learned a new skill yesterday (how to drive a ride-on lawn mower).
Friday, April 30, 2010
Thursday, April 29, 2010
I Want Out Of The Pit
If anyone is just starting to read this blog and is wondering what the Happy/Grateful List is I will fill you in; it is a list of things and people that I am grateful for and that make me happy.
Happy/Grateful List continued
82. Vienna and I got to see our delightful friends the day before yesterday.
83. I have gotten some cleaning done today.
84. The sun is shining.
85. I visited with Nate over his lunch hour both yesterday and today.
86. V pooped in the potty twice yesterday.
87. Almost all of the laundry is done.
88. I had a wonderful time visiting with my friend Sara today.
89. I drank yummy vanilla coffee this morning.
90. Worship was uplifting and rejuvenating last night.
91. It is almost the weekend which means lots of time with my hubby and daughter.
92. V gives the best kisses right smack on the lips.
I find it interesting how quickly my days go. Time really flies by. My goals for each day include;
1. Walking for at least 45 minutes
2. Reading my Bible
3. Doing some sort of relaxation exercise
4. Journal
I also want to do some cleaning every day. I have been trouble getting everything done. I think part of the problem is that I have been extremely tired. Depression is very tiring and so are ECT treatments. I really struggle with knowing how much sleep is okay. Fibromyalgia makes me very tired as do the things I mentioned above. However, sleeping too much can be a symptom of depression. I printed out a daily schedule so that I can try to keep track of my time. I want to be productive and get as much out of this time that I have by myself. I want to get rested up and rejuvenated but I also have a lot of projects that I would like to get done. I need to develop healthy habits that I can continue when my daughter is home with me full time. I have always struggled with time management t. Now is my chance to try to organize my days and make some headway in organizing my life and house.
I started reading a book by Beth Moore in November 2008. The book is entitled Get Out of That Pit; Strait Talk about God’s Deliverance and it has a companion devotional journal that goes with it. I am going to try to complete both. I have the time right now and I really want to accomplish this goal. I am not very good at finishing books that I have started. I have grand ideas about reading all sorts of books but they often get put aside and are left unfinished. The back of the book says;
It is Beth’s most stirring message yet of the sheer hope, utter deliverance…and complete and glorious freedom of God:
I waited patiently for the Lord
He turned to me and heard my cry
He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
Out of the mud and mire;
He set my feet on a rock
And gave me a firm place to stand,
He put a new song in my mouth
A hymn of praise to our God
Psalm 40:1-3
It is a story, a song—a salvation—that you can know too.
So I am going to include my journal entries on this blog. Depression is certainly a pit I have been stuck in for a lot of years and I am so very ready to be out of it. The journal has three sections to write in each day. They are a reflection question, a personal application question and a place for prayers. The prayer section is titled REACHING UP. Beth states on page 2 of The Get Out of That Pit Journal;
“Reaching Up is a place for you to pen your prayers to God. Each day when you arrive at this crucial conclusion picture this metaphor: every time you cry out to God and you agree to cooperate with His great work of deliverance, you are reaching up your hand to grab hold of His strong arm. That beloved, is the way out of the pit. If we could see with spiritual eyes, we’d probably see years of accumulated dirt underneath our fingernails from trying to claw our way out of the pit. Give it up. God is already reaching His hand into that hole.”
GET OUT OF THAT PIT
A 40 – DAY DEVOTIONAL JOURNAL
INTRODUCTION
“Life can be excruciating. Crushing, in fact. The sheer magnitude of our worries can press down on our heads until we unknowingly descend into a pit of despair one inch at a time. Something so horrible can happen that we conclude we’ll never be okay again. We can blow it so badly we think God would just as soon we stayed under the dirt and out of His sight. But, if we’re willing to let truth speak louder than our feelings, and long enough that our feelings finally agree, we can be far more than okay. We can be delivered to a place where the air is crisp, the enemy is whipped, and the view is magnificent.”
--Beth Moore (page 1 of Get Out Of That Pit Journal)
DAY ONE; Come, Follow Me
“From the ends of the earth I call to you, I call as my heart grows faint; lead me to the rock that is higher than I.” –Psalm 61:2
REFLECTION QUESTION; When Christ said, “Come follow me,” there was something inherent in His invitation. What was it?
“Come, follow me,” Jesus said, “and I will make you fishers of men.”—Mark 1:17
When Jesus invites us to “come” follow him he is inviting us to leave where we are. Many of us have become accustomed to living in the pit. We are comfortable there. It is familiar and we like familiar. I think that for a long time I felt like I deserved to be stuck in the pit. I continue to make choices that are not the best for me. But God wants us to live an abundant joy filled life and He wants me to have that now. He wants me to leave the pit of depression, guilt, and insecurity and follow Him onto high ground.
PERSONAL APPLICATION; What hope do the words of Psalm 40 offer you personally in terms of the pit you may be in?
I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry.
He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire;
He set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.
He put a new son in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear and put their trust in the Lord.
Blessed is the man who makes the Lord his trust, who does not look to the proud,
To those who turn aside to false gods.
Many, O lord my god, are the wonders you have done.
The things you planned for us no one can recount to you;
Were I to speak and tell of them they would be too many to declare.
Sacrifice and offering you did not desire, but my ears you have pierced;
Burnt offerings and sin offerings you did not require.
Then I said, “He I am, I have come—it is written about me in the scroll.
I desire to do your will, O my God; your law is within my heart.”
Psalm 40:1-8
Do not withhold your mercy from me, O Lord;
May your love and your truth always protect me.
For troubles without number surround me;
My sins have overtaken m, and I cannot see.
They are more than the hairs of my head,
And my heart fails within me.
Be pleased, O Lord, to save me;
O Lord, come quickly to help me.
Psalm 40:11-13
God offers hope in that first of all, He hears my cries. Secondly, He turns to me, and thirdly He helps me. God offers a way out for those of us who are in a pit. I am so thankful that God has heard me crying out to Him. Depression can really hurt. There have been times when I thought the pain was too much but God has always been there. God has comforted me during this very painful period of my life. But now it is time for something new. It is time to leave the depression pit. God wants to help me get out and get out for good. I am ready to be depression free.
I have struggled with depression for so many years. I know that God can help make it better but I usually depend on the doctor rather than God. Depression keeps coming back. I find myself in the same pit over and over again. It scares me to put all my hope in God. What if He chooses not to heal me? Sometimes I feel like I don’t deserve to be healed. But I know and believe with all my heart that God is good and faithful. He will care for me. He will do what is best for me.
REACHING UP (prayers to God)
Lord I see now that in the past when I was depressed I did not want to totally surrender myself t o you. I wanted to be in control. I wanted you to heal me but I wanted it to be done my way. Lord please forgive me for arrogantly assuming that I knew what was best for me. Lord, I give you my heart, my mind, my body, and my every part of me. I choose you. I choose to follow your plan for my life. Thank you for never giving up on me. Thank you for always being with me and always loving me. I truly have hope right now. Thank you for that hope.
I hope my journey, my battle with depression is inspiring and encouraging to anyone who reads this. I was terrified at first to put my personal thoughts and feelings onto a blog that other people could read. However, one of the worst parts of depression is that we feel like we are all alone. And that is a lie. There are so many of us who struggle with depression. Not only are there many people who understand this struggle but we also have the God of the universe in our corner. We are not alone. You are not alone. So if this blog helps just one person who is feeling hopeless and alone than this blog was totally worth it.
Happy/Grateful List continued
82. Vienna and I got to see our delightful friends the day before yesterday.
83. I have gotten some cleaning done today.
84. The sun is shining.
85. I visited with Nate over his lunch hour both yesterday and today.
86. V pooped in the potty twice yesterday.
87. Almost all of the laundry is done.
88. I had a wonderful time visiting with my friend Sara today.
89. I drank yummy vanilla coffee this morning.
90. Worship was uplifting and rejuvenating last night.
91. It is almost the weekend which means lots of time with my hubby and daughter.
92. V gives the best kisses right smack on the lips.
I find it interesting how quickly my days go. Time really flies by. My goals for each day include;
1. Walking for at least 45 minutes
2. Reading my Bible
3. Doing some sort of relaxation exercise
4. Journal
I also want to do some cleaning every day. I have been trouble getting everything done. I think part of the problem is that I have been extremely tired. Depression is very tiring and so are ECT treatments. I really struggle with knowing how much sleep is okay. Fibromyalgia makes me very tired as do the things I mentioned above. However, sleeping too much can be a symptom of depression. I printed out a daily schedule so that I can try to keep track of my time. I want to be productive and get as much out of this time that I have by myself. I want to get rested up and rejuvenated but I also have a lot of projects that I would like to get done. I need to develop healthy habits that I can continue when my daughter is home with me full time. I have always struggled with time management t. Now is my chance to try to organize my days and make some headway in organizing my life and house.
I started reading a book by Beth Moore in November 2008. The book is entitled Get Out of That Pit; Strait Talk about God’s Deliverance and it has a companion devotional journal that goes with it. I am going to try to complete both. I have the time right now and I really want to accomplish this goal. I am not very good at finishing books that I have started. I have grand ideas about reading all sorts of books but they often get put aside and are left unfinished. The back of the book says;
It is Beth’s most stirring message yet of the sheer hope, utter deliverance…and complete and glorious freedom of God:
I waited patiently for the Lord
He turned to me and heard my cry
He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
Out of the mud and mire;
He set my feet on a rock
And gave me a firm place to stand,
He put a new song in my mouth
A hymn of praise to our God
Psalm 40:1-3
It is a story, a song—a salvation—that you can know too.
So I am going to include my journal entries on this blog. Depression is certainly a pit I have been stuck in for a lot of years and I am so very ready to be out of it. The journal has three sections to write in each day. They are a reflection question, a personal application question and a place for prayers. The prayer section is titled REACHING UP. Beth states on page 2 of The Get Out of That Pit Journal;
“Reaching Up is a place for you to pen your prayers to God. Each day when you arrive at this crucial conclusion picture this metaphor: every time you cry out to God and you agree to cooperate with His great work of deliverance, you are reaching up your hand to grab hold of His strong arm. That beloved, is the way out of the pit. If we could see with spiritual eyes, we’d probably see years of accumulated dirt underneath our fingernails from trying to claw our way out of the pit. Give it up. God is already reaching His hand into that hole.”
GET OUT OF THAT PIT
A 40 – DAY DEVOTIONAL JOURNAL
INTRODUCTION
“Life can be excruciating. Crushing, in fact. The sheer magnitude of our worries can press down on our heads until we unknowingly descend into a pit of despair one inch at a time. Something so horrible can happen that we conclude we’ll never be okay again. We can blow it so badly we think God would just as soon we stayed under the dirt and out of His sight. But, if we’re willing to let truth speak louder than our feelings, and long enough that our feelings finally agree, we can be far more than okay. We can be delivered to a place where the air is crisp, the enemy is whipped, and the view is magnificent.”
--Beth Moore (page 1 of Get Out Of That Pit Journal)
DAY ONE; Come, Follow Me
“From the ends of the earth I call to you, I call as my heart grows faint; lead me to the rock that is higher than I.” –Psalm 61:2
REFLECTION QUESTION; When Christ said, “Come follow me,” there was something inherent in His invitation. What was it?
“Come, follow me,” Jesus said, “and I will make you fishers of men.”—Mark 1:17
When Jesus invites us to “come” follow him he is inviting us to leave where we are. Many of us have become accustomed to living in the pit. We are comfortable there. It is familiar and we like familiar. I think that for a long time I felt like I deserved to be stuck in the pit. I continue to make choices that are not the best for me. But God wants us to live an abundant joy filled life and He wants me to have that now. He wants me to leave the pit of depression, guilt, and insecurity and follow Him onto high ground.
PERSONAL APPLICATION; What hope do the words of Psalm 40 offer you personally in terms of the pit you may be in?
I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry.
He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire;
He set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.
He put a new son in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear and put their trust in the Lord.
Blessed is the man who makes the Lord his trust, who does not look to the proud,
To those who turn aside to false gods.
Many, O lord my god, are the wonders you have done.
The things you planned for us no one can recount to you;
Were I to speak and tell of them they would be too many to declare.
Sacrifice and offering you did not desire, but my ears you have pierced;
Burnt offerings and sin offerings you did not require.
Then I said, “He I am, I have come—it is written about me in the scroll.
I desire to do your will, O my God; your law is within my heart.”
Psalm 40:1-8
Do not withhold your mercy from me, O Lord;
May your love and your truth always protect me.
For troubles without number surround me;
My sins have overtaken m, and I cannot see.
They are more than the hairs of my head,
And my heart fails within me.
Be pleased, O Lord, to save me;
O Lord, come quickly to help me.
Psalm 40:11-13
God offers hope in that first of all, He hears my cries. Secondly, He turns to me, and thirdly He helps me. God offers a way out for those of us who are in a pit. I am so thankful that God has heard me crying out to Him. Depression can really hurt. There have been times when I thought the pain was too much but God has always been there. God has comforted me during this very painful period of my life. But now it is time for something new. It is time to leave the depression pit. God wants to help me get out and get out for good. I am ready to be depression free.
I have struggled with depression for so many years. I know that God can help make it better but I usually depend on the doctor rather than God. Depression keeps coming back. I find myself in the same pit over and over again. It scares me to put all my hope in God. What if He chooses not to heal me? Sometimes I feel like I don’t deserve to be healed. But I know and believe with all my heart that God is good and faithful. He will care for me. He will do what is best for me.
REACHING UP (prayers to God)
Lord I see now that in the past when I was depressed I did not want to totally surrender myself t o you. I wanted to be in control. I wanted you to heal me but I wanted it to be done my way. Lord please forgive me for arrogantly assuming that I knew what was best for me. Lord, I give you my heart, my mind, my body, and my every part of me. I choose you. I choose to follow your plan for my life. Thank you for never giving up on me. Thank you for always being with me and always loving me. I truly have hope right now. Thank you for that hope.
I hope my journey, my battle with depression is inspiring and encouraging to anyone who reads this. I was terrified at first to put my personal thoughts and feelings onto a blog that other people could read. However, one of the worst parts of depression is that we feel like we are all alone. And that is a lie. There are so many of us who struggle with depression. Not only are there many people who understand this struggle but we also have the God of the universe in our corner. We are not alone. You are not alone. So if this blog helps just one person who is feeling hopeless and alone than this blog was totally worth it.
Monday, April 26, 2010
Grateful
Gratitude List continued
71. The weather is perfect today.
72. I am truly in love with my husband.
73. My daughter no longer cries about having to go to daycare.
74. My dad is married to an incredible woman who truly loves him exactly the way he is.
75. I get to go to Mom 2 Moms tomorrow.
76. I am feeling much better.
77. God is so faithful!!!!!
78. God hears and answers my prayers.
79. My friend Sara is really good about calling me just to make sure I am okay.
80. My friend Joy does the same. (I am so grateful for both of them).
81. I think we are going on a picnic for dinner. I love picnics.
71. The weather is perfect today.
72. I am truly in love with my husband.
73. My daughter no longer cries about having to go to daycare.
74. My dad is married to an incredible woman who truly loves him exactly the way he is.
75. I get to go to Mom 2 Moms tomorrow.
76. I am feeling much better.
77. God is so faithful!!!!!
78. God hears and answers my prayers.
79. My friend Sara is really good about calling me just to make sure I am okay.
80. My friend Joy does the same. (I am so grateful for both of them).
81. I think we are going on a picnic for dinner. I love picnics.
Am I a Burden?
Depression is interesting. I feel like I should be able to control it. I feel like struggling with it is a weakness. I know that it is my responsibility to fight it, to not succumb to it but should I be able to prevent it? I am a positive thinking person. I usually see the glass half full and I enjoy helping other people find the good in situations. Depression does not fit my personality. I used to wear a tee-shirt in high school that said Carpe Diem. I believed those words. I preached to my friends to seize the day. I still believe that life is precious and each day is precious. I certainly don’t want to waste time being depressed. So if I truly do not want to be depressed than why is it still an issue for me?
I believe in God. I believe He is good and loving and always faithful. I believe in the power of positive thinking. It is so important to keep thinking positive. It is so important to let my mind dwell on good godly things rather than negative sad things. But somehow sometimes my mind, body and emotions are taken over by the dark cloud of depression. I try to fight it. I try to push the feelings out of my mind, body, and heart but sometimes I just cannot do it. I cry out to God, I ask others for help and still sometimes I cannot seem to keep from feeling depressed. I just don’t understand this. I try. I try so very hard. I know that God is powerful and able to make me better. I know that I am a strong person (even though I feel so very weak) but my strength is not enough at times.
I try not to feel like a burden but it is hard not to. My husband has put up with so much since we have been married. When we first got married I was very sick with Fibromyalgia. I spent the first year of our marriage in bed. I was weak, tired and in a great deal of pain. I also struggled with depression. I felt so worthless. I was not able to work. My husband would leave for work with me in bed and then I would still be in bed when he came home. It was really hard to feel good about myself, to feel like a partner, like I had anything to offer him when all I did was lay around. I was not working outside of the home or inside the home. I was not cooking, cleaning or doing much of anything. I got so depressed being home in bed alone all day that I was forced to get a part time job. It was worth it to work with pain to get out of the house. I started out working twelve hours a week at a pre-school. My health slowly improved. Before my daughter was born I was able to work twenty-five hours a week. This was a huge victory.
As far as being a burden goes, I really am one. I cost our family a great deal of money with doctors bills, treatments, and medication. My health is a good investment. I just wish that I was able to contribute more. We have not started getting the bills from this current episode of depression but I know they will be high. Thank God for health insurance. However insurance does not cover everything. We still have to pay a percentage of my hospital stay, the ECT treatments, counseling, medication and doctors visits. It will be very costly. And unfortunately our medical budget is already maxed out.
I have not been contributing around the house much. My big contribution used to be caring for our daughter. I did not work outside of the home but by staying home with her I saved us the cost of childcare. Now because I am unhealthy she is in childcare. My parents are helping us with the financial burden but I hate being the burden!!!!! I don’t like having to depend on them for help. I don’t like not contributing to our family. It is really hard to not feel like a burden.
I watched the Hallmark movie last night. It was entitled When Love is Not Enough, The Lois Wilson Story. Bill Wilson was an alcoholic. He helped start the Alcoholics Anonymous program and his wife Lois started Al-Anon. It was a very sad but a beautiful story. Lois stuck by Bill even though he put her through so much! It took place back when they were just discovering that alcoholism was a disease. I related too much of the story. I continue to put my family through so much. My man continues to stick by me no matter what. I am so thankful for him. I understand that the kind of depression that I have is a disease and that I have a chemically imbalanced brain but I hate that my family is suffering because of me.
So where does this leave me? A burden or not a burden? Sometimes life is hard. It is full of challenges and this is my challenge. It does not do me any good to think or feel like I am a burden even if I am one. I am the woman that my husband chose to marry because he wants to spend his life with me. I am working on getting healthy. I have a great deal to offer my family even if I don’t feel like I do. I will cling to God and His promises of strength, courage and hope. I will cling to person that God created me to be, the positive, fun, loving, encouraging and intelligent Carly. Depressed Carly is not who I am. Depressed Carly is a temporary unhealthy version of Carly and I am working like crazy to get healthy. I will not give up. I will fight. I am fighting depression and I am fighting to win!
I believe in God. I believe He is good and loving and always faithful. I believe in the power of positive thinking. It is so important to keep thinking positive. It is so important to let my mind dwell on good godly things rather than negative sad things. But somehow sometimes my mind, body and emotions are taken over by the dark cloud of depression. I try to fight it. I try to push the feelings out of my mind, body, and heart but sometimes I just cannot do it. I cry out to God, I ask others for help and still sometimes I cannot seem to keep from feeling depressed. I just don’t understand this. I try. I try so very hard. I know that God is powerful and able to make me better. I know that I am a strong person (even though I feel so very weak) but my strength is not enough at times.
I try not to feel like a burden but it is hard not to. My husband has put up with so much since we have been married. When we first got married I was very sick with Fibromyalgia. I spent the first year of our marriage in bed. I was weak, tired and in a great deal of pain. I also struggled with depression. I felt so worthless. I was not able to work. My husband would leave for work with me in bed and then I would still be in bed when he came home. It was really hard to feel good about myself, to feel like a partner, like I had anything to offer him when all I did was lay around. I was not working outside of the home or inside the home. I was not cooking, cleaning or doing much of anything. I got so depressed being home in bed alone all day that I was forced to get a part time job. It was worth it to work with pain to get out of the house. I started out working twelve hours a week at a pre-school. My health slowly improved. Before my daughter was born I was able to work twenty-five hours a week. This was a huge victory.
As far as being a burden goes, I really am one. I cost our family a great deal of money with doctors bills, treatments, and medication. My health is a good investment. I just wish that I was able to contribute more. We have not started getting the bills from this current episode of depression but I know they will be high. Thank God for health insurance. However insurance does not cover everything. We still have to pay a percentage of my hospital stay, the ECT treatments, counseling, medication and doctors visits. It will be very costly. And unfortunately our medical budget is already maxed out.
I have not been contributing around the house much. My big contribution used to be caring for our daughter. I did not work outside of the home but by staying home with her I saved us the cost of childcare. Now because I am unhealthy she is in childcare. My parents are helping us with the financial burden but I hate being the burden!!!!! I don’t like having to depend on them for help. I don’t like not contributing to our family. It is really hard to not feel like a burden.
I watched the Hallmark movie last night. It was entitled When Love is Not Enough, The Lois Wilson Story. Bill Wilson was an alcoholic. He helped start the Alcoholics Anonymous program and his wife Lois started Al-Anon. It was a very sad but a beautiful story. Lois stuck by Bill even though he put her through so much! It took place back when they were just discovering that alcoholism was a disease. I related too much of the story. I continue to put my family through so much. My man continues to stick by me no matter what. I am so thankful for him. I understand that the kind of depression that I have is a disease and that I have a chemically imbalanced brain but I hate that my family is suffering because of me.
So where does this leave me? A burden or not a burden? Sometimes life is hard. It is full of challenges and this is my challenge. It does not do me any good to think or feel like I am a burden even if I am one. I am the woman that my husband chose to marry because he wants to spend his life with me. I am working on getting healthy. I have a great deal to offer my family even if I don’t feel like I do. I will cling to God and His promises of strength, courage and hope. I will cling to person that God created me to be, the positive, fun, loving, encouraging and intelligent Carly. Depressed Carly is not who I am. Depressed Carly is a temporary unhealthy version of Carly and I am working like crazy to get healthy. I will not give up. I will fight. I am fighting depression and I am fighting to win!
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Gratitude/Happy List continued
65. It was wonderful to see my sister this weekend
66. My Husband is amazing. He is loving, supportive, and so good to me.
67. I have several extended family members who care about me.
68. My daughter giggles all the time
69. My dog is always happy to see me.
70. My daughter likes her friends at daycare
71. My mom is with a man who truly loves her and makes her happy.
I feel kind of weird today. I feel extremely tired. I went back to bed this morning and slept until 10. Then I took a two hour nap this afternoon. And now it is 6:30 and I am ready to go back to bed. At first I just thought I was tired but now I am wondering if the tiredness is due to depression. I do feel kind of blah but I also feel really tired. I have not walked yet today because it has been raining. I have walked the past couple of days but I have not taken time to journal, do my relaxation exercises or read my Bible. I wonder if not taking time for those things has contributed how I feel right now? I really don’t want to do anything except sleep and maybe watch TV.
My daughter is giggling in the background and that is making me smile. She has such a precious little giggle. If I was feeling energetic and like myself I would go grab her and play with her. But my rear end is still sitting in this chair. My legs feel like lead and my head is foggy. I still feel like I just want to go to bed.
65. It was wonderful to see my sister this weekend
66. My Husband is amazing. He is loving, supportive, and so good to me.
67. I have several extended family members who care about me.
68. My daughter giggles all the time
69. My dog is always happy to see me.
70. My daughter likes her friends at daycare
71. My mom is with a man who truly loves her and makes her happy.
I feel kind of weird today. I feel extremely tired. I went back to bed this morning and slept until 10. Then I took a two hour nap this afternoon. And now it is 6:30 and I am ready to go back to bed. At first I just thought I was tired but now I am wondering if the tiredness is due to depression. I do feel kind of blah but I also feel really tired. I have not walked yet today because it has been raining. I have walked the past couple of days but I have not taken time to journal, do my relaxation exercises or read my Bible. I wonder if not taking time for those things has contributed how I feel right now? I really don’t want to do anything except sleep and maybe watch TV.
My daughter is giggling in the background and that is making me smile. She has such a precious little giggle. If I was feeling energetic and like myself I would go grab her and play with her. But my rear end is still sitting in this chair. My legs feel like lead and my head is foggy. I still feel like I just want to go to bed.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Feeling like Carly again
Happy List continued
56. I was able to go to my mom group yesterday.
57. The women at my group were sincerely happy to see me. I received several hugs and lots of encouragement.
58. My wonderful friend Sara brought me flowers, fruit, a Bible study on Joy, and a Laughter book in a beautiful basket yesterday.
59. My delightful mentor mom Dona brought us a delicious roast dinner and the most beautiful bouquet of spring flowers.
60. My house smells like flowers:)
61. My hubby, daughter and I had so much fun laughing together last night.
62. I had a really nice time with my dad today.
63. The weather was absolutely perfect today.
64. I have not had too much memory loss from my ECT treatments.
65. The dishes are done:)
66. Nate bought me my favorite ice cream. Yummy to my tummy.
67. My Jenny-Dog is the best cuddle dog ever!
68. I get to spend quality time with my extended family this weekend.
The last two days have been pretty good. I really enjoyed going to Mom 2 Moms (my mommy group). I have not been able to go for several weeks because my ECT treatments have been scheduled at the same time as the group. It was nice to hear about how I was missed. It was wonderful to see everyone again and to get lots of hugs. It was great to feel like Carly instead of depressed Carly for a period of time even though it was brief.
56. I was able to go to my mom group yesterday.
57. The women at my group were sincerely happy to see me. I received several hugs and lots of encouragement.
58. My wonderful friend Sara brought me flowers, fruit, a Bible study on Joy, and a Laughter book in a beautiful basket yesterday.
59. My delightful mentor mom Dona brought us a delicious roast dinner and the most beautiful bouquet of spring flowers.
60. My house smells like flowers:)
61. My hubby, daughter and I had so much fun laughing together last night.
62. I had a really nice time with my dad today.
63. The weather was absolutely perfect today.
64. I have not had too much memory loss from my ECT treatments.
65. The dishes are done:)
66. Nate bought me my favorite ice cream. Yummy to my tummy.
67. My Jenny-Dog is the best cuddle dog ever!
68. I get to spend quality time with my extended family this weekend.
The last two days have been pretty good. I really enjoyed going to Mom 2 Moms (my mommy group). I have not been able to go for several weeks because my ECT treatments have been scheduled at the same time as the group. It was nice to hear about how I was missed. It was wonderful to see everyone again and to get lots of hugs. It was great to feel like Carly instead of depressed Carly for a period of time even though it was brief.
Monday, April 19, 2010
The Penny
I just opened my email and I found this forwarded message. I almost never take the time to read forwards. I usually find them annoying. But God wanted me to read this message and I want to record it so that I would remember it always.
You always hear the usual stories of pennies on the sidewalk being good luck, gifts from angels, etc. This is the first time I've ever heard this twist on the story. Gives you something to think about.
Several years ago, a friend of mine and her husband were invited to spend the weekend at the husband's employer's home. My friend, Arlene, was nervous about the weekend. The boss was very wealthy, with a fine home on the waterway, and cars costing more than her house.
The first day and evening went well, and Arlene was delighted to have this rare glimpse into how the very wealthy live... The husband's employer was quite generous as a host, and took them to the finest restaurants. Arlene knew she would never have the opportunity to indulge in this kind of extravagance again, so was enjoying herself immensely..
As the three of them were about to enter an exclusive restaurant that evening, the boss was walking slightly ahead of Arlene and her husband.. He stopped suddenly, looking down on the pavement for a long, silent moment..
Arlene wondered if she was supposed to pass him. There was nothing on the ground except a single darkened penny that someone had dropped, and a few cigarette butts Still silent, the man reached down and picked up the penny.
He held it up and smiled, then put it in his pocket as if he had found a great treasure. How absurd! What need did this man have for a single penny? Why would he even take the time to stop and pick it up?
Throughout dinner, the entire scene nagged at her. Finally, she could stand it no longer. She casually mentioned that her daughter once had a coin collection, and asked if the penny he had found had been of some value..
A smile crept across the man's face as he reached into his pocket for the penny and held it out for her to see. She had seen many pennies before! What was the point of this?
"Look at it." He said. "Read what it says." She read the words " United States of America "
"No, not that; read further."
"One cent?" "No, keep reading."
"In God we Trust ?" "Yes!" "And?"
"And if I trust in God, the name of God is holy, even on a coin. Whenever I find a coin I see that inscription. It is written on every single United States coin, but we never seem to notice it! God drops a message right in front of me telling me to trust Him? Who am I to pass it by? When I see a coin, I pray, I stop to see if my trust IS in God at that moment. I pick the coin up as a response to God; that I do trust in Him. For a short time, at least, I cherish it as if it were gold. I think it is God's way of starting a conversation with me. Lucky for me, God is patient and pennies are plentiful!
When I was out shopping today, I found a penny on the sidewalk. I stopped and picked it up, and realized that I had been worrying and fretting in my mind about things I cannot change. I read the words, "In God We Trust ," and had to laugh. Yes, God, I get the message.
It seems that I have been finding an inordinate number of pennies in the last few months, but then, pennies are plentiful! And, God is patient..
Thought for the Day:
If God had a refrigerator, your picture would be on it.
If He had a wallet, your photo would be in it...
He sends you flowers every spring.
He sends you a sunrise every morning Face it, friend - He is crazy about you!
God didn't promise days without pain, laughter without sorrow ,sun without rain, but He did promise strength for the day, comfort for the tears, and light for the way.
If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You always hear the usual stories of pennies on the sidewalk being good luck, gifts from angels, etc. This is the first time I've ever heard this twist on the story. Gives you something to think about.
Several years ago, a friend of mine and her husband were invited to spend the weekend at the husband's employer's home. My friend, Arlene, was nervous about the weekend. The boss was very wealthy, with a fine home on the waterway, and cars costing more than her house.
The first day and evening went well, and Arlene was delighted to have this rare glimpse into how the very wealthy live... The husband's employer was quite generous as a host, and took them to the finest restaurants. Arlene knew she would never have the opportunity to indulge in this kind of extravagance again, so was enjoying herself immensely..
As the three of them were about to enter an exclusive restaurant that evening, the boss was walking slightly ahead of Arlene and her husband.. He stopped suddenly, looking down on the pavement for a long, silent moment..
Arlene wondered if she was supposed to pass him. There was nothing on the ground except a single darkened penny that someone had dropped, and a few cigarette butts Still silent, the man reached down and picked up the penny.
He held it up and smiled, then put it in his pocket as if he had found a great treasure. How absurd! What need did this man have for a single penny? Why would he even take the time to stop and pick it up?
Throughout dinner, the entire scene nagged at her. Finally, she could stand it no longer. She casually mentioned that her daughter once had a coin collection, and asked if the penny he had found had been of some value..
A smile crept across the man's face as he reached into his pocket for the penny and held it out for her to see. She had seen many pennies before! What was the point of this?
"Look at it." He said. "Read what it says." She read the words " United States of America "
"No, not that; read further."
"One cent?" "No, keep reading."
"In God we Trust ?" "Yes!" "And?"
"And if I trust in God, the name of God is holy, even on a coin. Whenever I find a coin I see that inscription. It is written on every single United States coin, but we never seem to notice it! God drops a message right in front of me telling me to trust Him? Who am I to pass it by? When I see a coin, I pray, I stop to see if my trust IS in God at that moment. I pick the coin up as a response to God; that I do trust in Him. For a short time, at least, I cherish it as if it were gold. I think it is God's way of starting a conversation with me. Lucky for me, God is patient and pennies are plentiful!
When I was out shopping today, I found a penny on the sidewalk. I stopped and picked it up, and realized that I had been worrying and fretting in my mind about things I cannot change. I read the words, "In God We Trust ," and had to laugh. Yes, God, I get the message.
It seems that I have been finding an inordinate number of pennies in the last few months, but then, pennies are plentiful! And, God is patient..
Thought for the Day:
If God had a refrigerator, your picture would be on it.
If He had a wallet, your photo would be in it...
He sends you flowers every spring.
He sends you a sunrise every morning Face it, friend - He is crazy about you!
God didn't promise days without pain, laughter without sorrow ,sun without rain, but He did promise strength for the day, comfort for the tears, and light for the way.
If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Earth is Filled with His Glory
Happy/Grateful List continued
45. I had a encouraging and uplifting phone conversation with a good friend
46. I really like my therapist
47. The sun is shining
48. Jenny-Dog and I enjoyed the beautiful day by taking a long walk
49. Crying releases toxins and it actually very good for us
50. Sadness only lasts for a while
51. I have a lot of people who truly care about me
52. It is nice enough outside to drive withe windows down
53. My daughter has lots of fun at daycare
54. I have really supportive parents
55. My husband still adores me
Today started out rough but I am doing much better now. I had such a difficult time getting going. I really wanted to be productive and get some cleaning done but I felt like I had lead in my shoes. I dragged myself out of the house and barely made it to my counseling appointment on time. I started crying in the waiting room. Each time I go I fill out a form that rates the level of my depression and anxiety. I knew I was much less depressed and anxious than the prior week. So why did I start crying. I was sad. I am so sad that my family has to go through all of this. My hubby is so worn out, my daughter misses me (the healthy fun me), and I am really hurting. I want the depression to go away. I am tired of being patient. I am tired of hurting so much. It is hard to explain the hurt but it is a physical, emotional, and mental hurt. A deep full body penetrating to the core of me hurt.
My therapist thinks I am making good progress. I just want it to be over. I want to feel whole and energetic capable and confident. I am ready to bless other people the way they have been blessing me. I want to laugh until my sides hurt. I want to feel free from this burdensome depression.
I am a bit apprehensive about this weekend. My Grandmother’s memorial is on Saturday. I will be seeing lots of people who are aware of my struggle. I have never before been this open about my depression. I have always tried to appear strong and okay. I cannot pretend to be that way right now because I just don’t have the energy. I am also tired of pretending. It takes so much energy to make yourself be “okay” when you are not “okay.” I have the feeling that as soon as someone asks me how I am doing in a sincere and loving manner that I will start crying. Crying is not a bad thing, especially at a memorial but I feel so vulnerable when I cry.
On the way home from therapy I sang my favorite praise song very loudly (with the windows open).
The words are…
“We stand and lift up our hands for the joy of the Lord is our strength. We bow down and worship Him now. How great, how awesome is He and together we sing (everyone sing,)
Holy is the Lord God almighty,
The earth is filled with His glory.
Holy is the Lord God almighty,
The earth is filled with His glory”
Today is a good day to declare God’s glory because it is a glorious day.
45. I had a encouraging and uplifting phone conversation with a good friend
46. I really like my therapist
47. The sun is shining
48. Jenny-Dog and I enjoyed the beautiful day by taking a long walk
49. Crying releases toxins and it actually very good for us
50. Sadness only lasts for a while
51. I have a lot of people who truly care about me
52. It is nice enough outside to drive withe windows down
53. My daughter has lots of fun at daycare
54. I have really supportive parents
55. My husband still adores me
Today started out rough but I am doing much better now. I had such a difficult time getting going. I really wanted to be productive and get some cleaning done but I felt like I had lead in my shoes. I dragged myself out of the house and barely made it to my counseling appointment on time. I started crying in the waiting room. Each time I go I fill out a form that rates the level of my depression and anxiety. I knew I was much less depressed and anxious than the prior week. So why did I start crying. I was sad. I am so sad that my family has to go through all of this. My hubby is so worn out, my daughter misses me (the healthy fun me), and I am really hurting. I want the depression to go away. I am tired of being patient. I am tired of hurting so much. It is hard to explain the hurt but it is a physical, emotional, and mental hurt. A deep full body penetrating to the core of me hurt.
My therapist thinks I am making good progress. I just want it to be over. I want to feel whole and energetic capable and confident. I am ready to bless other people the way they have been blessing me. I want to laugh until my sides hurt. I want to feel free from this burdensome depression.
I am a bit apprehensive about this weekend. My Grandmother’s memorial is on Saturday. I will be seeing lots of people who are aware of my struggle. I have never before been this open about my depression. I have always tried to appear strong and okay. I cannot pretend to be that way right now because I just don’t have the energy. I am also tired of pretending. It takes so much energy to make yourself be “okay” when you are not “okay.” I have the feeling that as soon as someone asks me how I am doing in a sincere and loving manner that I will start crying. Crying is not a bad thing, especially at a memorial but I feel so vulnerable when I cry.
On the way home from therapy I sang my favorite praise song very loudly (with the windows open).
The words are…
“We stand and lift up our hands for the joy of the Lord is our strength. We bow down and worship Him now. How great, how awesome is He and together we sing (everyone sing,)
Holy is the Lord God almighty,
The earth is filled with His glory.
Holy is the Lord God almighty,
The earth is filled with His glory”
Today is a good day to declare God’s glory because it is a glorious day.
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Happy/Grateful List continued
36. My daughter likes daycare
37. Nate and I got to go on a date last night
38. Playing at the park with V
39. A very kind woman at church brought us lunch
40. The kitchen is clean
41. Most of the laundry is put away
42. My sister is coming to town this weekend
43. I got a colorful new comforter for my bed that makes me smile
44. The bathroom is clean
36. My daughter likes daycare
37. Nate and I got to go on a date last night
38. Playing at the park with V
39. A very kind woman at church brought us lunch
40. The kitchen is clean
41. Most of the laundry is put away
42. My sister is coming to town this weekend
43. I got a colorful new comforter for my bed that makes me smile
44. The bathroom is clean
Friday, April 16, 2010
Fighting to Win
Happy List continued
31. Today was a good day
32. I had some very nice quality time with my Dad
33. I got to speak with an old friend on the phone (we have been playing phone tag forever.)
34. I slept really well last night
35. Summer is on its way
Today was a pretty good day. I slept really well last night which felt amazing. I had an ECT treatment in the morning. My Dad went with me. We had some really enjoyable conversation. I spoke with an old friend on the phone which was really nice. She said that I sounded good. That was really good to hear.
I find it odd how different I feel each day. Yesterday and the day before were extremely challenging. I felt terrible. I cried so much and just wanted to curl up into a ball and go to bed for the rest of the week. Thank goodness today was better. I wish it was not taking so long for me to heal. Sometimes I feel like giving up. I will not give up. I am fighting to win this battle. I will be victorious.
31. Today was a good day
32. I had some very nice quality time with my Dad
33. I got to speak with an old friend on the phone (we have been playing phone tag forever.)
34. I slept really well last night
35. Summer is on its way
Today was a pretty good day. I slept really well last night which felt amazing. I had an ECT treatment in the morning. My Dad went with me. We had some really enjoyable conversation. I spoke with an old friend on the phone which was really nice. She said that I sounded good. That was really good to hear.
I find it odd how different I feel each day. Yesterday and the day before were extremely challenging. I felt terrible. I cried so much and just wanted to curl up into a ball and go to bed for the rest of the week. Thank goodness today was better. I wish it was not taking so long for me to heal. Sometimes I feel like giving up. I will not give up. I am fighting to win this battle. I will be victorious.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Happy/Grateful List continued
26. My future next-store neighbors, my treasured friends who bring my whole family joy, laughter, and good times.
27. My in-laws
28. Powerful praise music that blesses my heart ad I worship God
29. Great music to listen to
30. Hugs
I am really struggling with getting going today. I feel so scattered. There are so many things to do. I made a list last night and even put it into order but I am still having a really hard time. It feels like being productive is going against what is natural. My body really wants to sit and watch TV or sleep. I went for a walk to try to help me get going. It helped a little. I am writing about my thoughts instead of lying in bed so that is good.
I am also very anxious today. I think it is because my house is such a mess and really needs a good deep cleaning. There is so much to do that I just don’t know where to start. It is overwhelming. I have errands I need to run but sometimes when I do that I end up out the whole day and then don’t get anything done at home. I think I need to hire a scheduler and personal motivator who help keep me on task. It is time to try again. I must get focused.
26. My future next-store neighbors, my treasured friends who bring my whole family joy, laughter, and good times.
27. My in-laws
28. Powerful praise music that blesses my heart ad I worship God
29. Great music to listen to
30. Hugs
I am really struggling with getting going today. I feel so scattered. There are so many things to do. I made a list last night and even put it into order but I am still having a really hard time. It feels like being productive is going against what is natural. My body really wants to sit and watch TV or sleep. I went for a walk to try to help me get going. It helped a little. I am writing about my thoughts instead of lying in bed so that is good.
I am also very anxious today. I think it is because my house is such a mess and really needs a good deep cleaning. There is so much to do that I just don’t know where to start. It is overwhelming. I have errands I need to run but sometimes when I do that I end up out the whole day and then don’t get anything done at home. I think I need to hire a scheduler and personal motivator who help keep me on task. It is time to try again. I must get focused.
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
So Very Grateful
Today I am grateful for……
1. My daughter’s adorable hugs and kisses
2. My daughter loves being outside and so do I
3. A great long hot shower last night
4. A very productive day yesterday
5. Swinging in the springtime
6. God’s amazing peace that can be mine if I choose to embrace it
7. Hope
8. My cozy tie-dyed hooded sweatshirt (It makes me smile)
9. Good quality time with my hubby last night
10. The fun children’s books I get to read to my daughter
11. My dad and step-mom made it home safely from Florida
12. Clean sheets on a freshly made bed
13. The wise words of Joyce Meyer
14. The truth of the gospel, that while I was still a sinner Christ died for me!
15. And that now because of what Jesus did for me I no longer have to be a slave to sin and death but I get to live an abundant life with the Holy Spirit living in me!
16. Facebook, it keeps me connected to my friends
17. Quiet morning walks
18. God’s mercies are new every day
19. I can leave yesterdays yuckiness in the past and enjoy each new day
20. I get to go to Camp Newaygo with my mom and daughter in June
21. My amazing family
22. My amazing friends
23. Joyce, her joyfulness and kindness is contageious
24. Loretta, the most loving, caring nurse I have ever met. She is truly a blessing strait from God.
25. The moms in my mom group. Not only have they been diligently praying for me but they have also been bring my family and I healthy and yummy meals three times a week. What and AMAZING blessing.
I was thinking earlier today (but after I made that grateful list) about my good friend from High School. When we were sad or stressed or feeling blah we would make Happy Lists. Those Happy Lists were really the same thing as a gratitude journal. We would list all the things that made us happy (things we were thankful for). It started with this one friend. We would pass them as notes back and forth between classes when we knew the other was struggling. And then the Happy List idea spread. We started giving them to other people and other people started giving them to others. They really did make me happy. Throughout the years that special friend has sent me many Happy Lists. I cherish them all. I have kept most of them. A couple of months ago she posted one on my Facebook page. Thank you my wonderful lifelong friend. Thank you for all the joy and happiness you bring into my life. I have your back girlfriend and thanks for always having mine.
So…..I am transferring my gratitude journal over to the form of a Happy List. It will now be a List of things that make me happy and that I am grateful for.
Happy (Grateful) List #1 (the beginning of my very long list of things that make me happy, make me smile and that I am so very grateful for.)
1. My cherished friend Bean
2. Oreo cookies
3. Death by Chocolate ice cream
4. My sister
5. My Joyful friend who brings so much Joy to my heart
6. My faithful friend who did not give up on me even when I did not call her back for months
7. My Pastor and his amazing wife
8. My prayer warrior friend who I know lifts me up in prayer all the time
9. Mom, Dad, Step-Mom and Step-Dad
10. All of my extended family members who are loving and supportive
11. My most loyal friend who gives the best hugs ever, who likes to cuddle and who touches my heart with her many intentional acts of prioritizing me
12. My Sunshine friend (I always feel warm and fuzzy around her, she brightens my days)
13. Camp Newaygo memories
14. Camp Newaygo buddies, some of the most amazing women I have ever known. Women who helped me become great and women I will never forget
15. Newaygo Love
16. PI Dock
17. My daughter, her laughter, hugs, smiles, energy, kisses, passion and joy
18. God’s amazing unconditional love for me
19. Hope
20. Chick flicks
21. Victorious sports movies
22. Lake Michigan
23. Long walks on the beach
24. Sailing at Camp Newaygo
25. My hubby
Well that is enough Happy for tonight. I am getting really tired.
Today was a good day. I started the day with uplifting and encouraging time in prayer and reflection. And then I worked on my gratitude list. I went for a walk and did my new stretching DVD that is set to Praise music and Scripture. I loved it! I had my treatment and felt even better afterwards. Then my dad took me to lunch and we had a really nice time together. It was very enjoyable. When I am struggling with depression I am grateful for every enjoyable experience that I have because they can be few and far between.
Loretta, a delightful nurse who cares for me during my treatments gave the most sincere hug. We spoke about God’s blessings and she told me she would pray for me. It is wonderful when you get that kind of support from friends and family but you just don’t expect it in a busy hospital where most nurses are exhausted and overworked. She really touched my heart today. Her sincerity and kindness surprised me and made my day. Thanks Loretta.
My daughter and I took two of her baby dolls to the park and had a picnic. We then played on the slide and swings. She was so adorable. She is the most attentive and tender pretend mom to her babies. When we got home she insisted that her babies (twins named Jenna and Jenna) were given dinner on their own plates. She then fed the food to each baby before putting it into her mouth. After we all ate everyone got a bath. She carefully washed each baby’s face, head, and body avoiding getting soap in their eyes. Then the babies were lovingly tucked together into a pair of her pajamas. Normally I read her books sitting in our rocking chair with her on my lap but tonight she sat next to me in her rocking chair while she snuggled her baby dolls Jenna and Jenna. I started to lose patience when she had to place them perfectly into her bed (She sleeps on the floor, long story) each with their own pillow. She covered them with three blankets and declared that she needed to make the blankets look pretty. After declaring she needed to make them look pretty patience filled my heart as did true delight. She is adorable, delightful, stubborn and so full of unique personality. She brought me so much joy and laughter this evening. Thanks V.
Then I got to watch LOST. Great show!
I have good days and bad days. Some days are blah, some are sad, and others are miserable. I am extremely grateful for the good days. I can’t wait for the great days to return to me.
On Facebook I wrote that I was very grateful as my status update.
I am very grateful today.
1. My daughter’s adorable hugs and kisses
2. My daughter loves being outside and so do I
3. A great long hot shower last night
4. A very productive day yesterday
5. Swinging in the springtime
6. God’s amazing peace that can be mine if I choose to embrace it
7. Hope
8. My cozy tie-dyed hooded sweatshirt (It makes me smile)
9. Good quality time with my hubby last night
10. The fun children’s books I get to read to my daughter
11. My dad and step-mom made it home safely from Florida
12. Clean sheets on a freshly made bed
13. The wise words of Joyce Meyer
14. The truth of the gospel, that while I was still a sinner Christ died for me!
15. And that now because of what Jesus did for me I no longer have to be a slave to sin and death but I get to live an abundant life with the Holy Spirit living in me!
16. Facebook, it keeps me connected to my friends
17. Quiet morning walks
18. God’s mercies are new every day
19. I can leave yesterdays yuckiness in the past and enjoy each new day
20. I get to go to Camp Newaygo with my mom and daughter in June
21. My amazing family
22. My amazing friends
23. Joyce, her joyfulness and kindness is contageious
24. Loretta, the most loving, caring nurse I have ever met. She is truly a blessing strait from God.
25. The moms in my mom group. Not only have they been diligently praying for me but they have also been bring my family and I healthy and yummy meals three times a week. What and AMAZING blessing.
I was thinking earlier today (but after I made that grateful list) about my good friend from High School. When we were sad or stressed or feeling blah we would make Happy Lists. Those Happy Lists were really the same thing as a gratitude journal. We would list all the things that made us happy (things we were thankful for). It started with this one friend. We would pass them as notes back and forth between classes when we knew the other was struggling. And then the Happy List idea spread. We started giving them to other people and other people started giving them to others. They really did make me happy. Throughout the years that special friend has sent me many Happy Lists. I cherish them all. I have kept most of them. A couple of months ago she posted one on my Facebook page. Thank you my wonderful lifelong friend. Thank you for all the joy and happiness you bring into my life. I have your back girlfriend and thanks for always having mine.
So…..I am transferring my gratitude journal over to the form of a Happy List. It will now be a List of things that make me happy and that I am grateful for.
Happy (Grateful) List #1 (the beginning of my very long list of things that make me happy, make me smile and that I am so very grateful for.)
1. My cherished friend Bean
2. Oreo cookies
3. Death by Chocolate ice cream
4. My sister
5. My Joyful friend who brings so much Joy to my heart
6. My faithful friend who did not give up on me even when I did not call her back for months
7. My Pastor and his amazing wife
8. My prayer warrior friend who I know lifts me up in prayer all the time
9. Mom, Dad, Step-Mom and Step-Dad
10. All of my extended family members who are loving and supportive
11. My most loyal friend who gives the best hugs ever, who likes to cuddle and who touches my heart with her many intentional acts of prioritizing me
12. My Sunshine friend (I always feel warm and fuzzy around her, she brightens my days)
13. Camp Newaygo memories
14. Camp Newaygo buddies, some of the most amazing women I have ever known. Women who helped me become great and women I will never forget
15. Newaygo Love
16. PI Dock
17. My daughter, her laughter, hugs, smiles, energy, kisses, passion and joy
18. God’s amazing unconditional love for me
19. Hope
20. Chick flicks
21. Victorious sports movies
22. Lake Michigan
23. Long walks on the beach
24. Sailing at Camp Newaygo
25. My hubby
Well that is enough Happy for tonight. I am getting really tired.
Today was a good day. I started the day with uplifting and encouraging time in prayer and reflection. And then I worked on my gratitude list. I went for a walk and did my new stretching DVD that is set to Praise music and Scripture. I loved it! I had my treatment and felt even better afterwards. Then my dad took me to lunch and we had a really nice time together. It was very enjoyable. When I am struggling with depression I am grateful for every enjoyable experience that I have because they can be few and far between.
Loretta, a delightful nurse who cares for me during my treatments gave the most sincere hug. We spoke about God’s blessings and she told me she would pray for me. It is wonderful when you get that kind of support from friends and family but you just don’t expect it in a busy hospital where most nurses are exhausted and overworked. She really touched my heart today. Her sincerity and kindness surprised me and made my day. Thanks Loretta.
My daughter and I took two of her baby dolls to the park and had a picnic. We then played on the slide and swings. She was so adorable. She is the most attentive and tender pretend mom to her babies. When we got home she insisted that her babies (twins named Jenna and Jenna) were given dinner on their own plates. She then fed the food to each baby before putting it into her mouth. After we all ate everyone got a bath. She carefully washed each baby’s face, head, and body avoiding getting soap in their eyes. Then the babies were lovingly tucked together into a pair of her pajamas. Normally I read her books sitting in our rocking chair with her on my lap but tonight she sat next to me in her rocking chair while she snuggled her baby dolls Jenna and Jenna. I started to lose patience when she had to place them perfectly into her bed (She sleeps on the floor, long story) each with their own pillow. She covered them with three blankets and declared that she needed to make the blankets look pretty. After declaring she needed to make them look pretty patience filled my heart as did true delight. She is adorable, delightful, stubborn and so full of unique personality. She brought me so much joy and laughter this evening. Thanks V.
Then I got to watch LOST. Great show!
I have good days and bad days. Some days are blah, some are sad, and others are miserable. I am extremely grateful for the good days. I can’t wait for the great days to return to me.
On Facebook I wrote that I was very grateful as my status update.
I am very grateful today.
Monday, April 12, 2010
In Persuit of Joy
I need to get back to my gratitude list so here goes...
I am grateful for…..
1. The sunshine
2. Woods walks with my dog Jenny
3. The thoughtful and caring words I received from two women at church yesterday
4. My hubby
5. My daughter
6. My parents and other family
7. A kind, understanding and helpful therapist
8. Eating meals on our new front porch
9. God’s faithfulness to me
10. Hope
11. A clean kitchen table
12. I found our missing camera
13. Tie-dyed clothing, it makes me smile
14. My wonderful friends
15. Health insurance
16. I am not alone
17. Bananas, they are the perfect food
I am really worn out. I had a good appointment with my counselor today. I cried a lot and that was very therapeutic. Depression really hurts. I have been hurting the past few days but I felt guilty about it. I don’t have some big issue or loss that I am dealing with. It is just the same old severe treatment resistant depression that I have been dealing with for months and years. My counselor helped me see that it is ok to be sad. It is really silly to try deny that I am sad or to pretend that I am not hurting because I am really really hurting. I feel like I should be all better now. I was in the hospital, I take medication, I am having my brain shocked twice a week, and I am really really trying to get better. I am fighting. I am pushing on and I am not giving up even though I often want to give up. So why am I not better? Why am I still depressed? I worry about what my family and friends are thinking. Do they think I am not trying hard enough? Sure some days are bad days and I don’t fight as hard as I could but in general I am really fighting. I am so tired but I am still fighting.
As I cried and cried in my car this afternoon I was reminded of how much God loves me. I sobbed and He held me and told me He was with me. He also reminded me that He (God) wants me to be dependent on Him. He wants me to trust Him with my life. I will give in and say “ok Lord I give you my life” and then I snatch it back up again. I want to be self sufficient, in control, and not at all needy. Being needy has a negative connotation to it. But truly God created us to need Him and to need other people. We were not created to live on our own. We can survive on our own but not thrive. And God really wants us to live life abundantly, to thrive, and be full of joy.
“God I need you. I need your help. I need to not be depressed anymore. I am so tired and so weary. I give you myself once again. Take my broken body and spirit and make them whole again. Please give me strength. Please give me the courage to keep fighting, the courage to get out of bed when all I want to do is disappear. Thank you for your promises. I claim your promise of peace, strength, courage, joy, and hope. Thank you Lord for always being with me. In Jesus holy name I pray, Amen.”
I am grateful for…..
1. The sunshine
2. Woods walks with my dog Jenny
3. The thoughtful and caring words I received from two women at church yesterday
4. My hubby
5. My daughter
6. My parents and other family
7. A kind, understanding and helpful therapist
8. Eating meals on our new front porch
9. God’s faithfulness to me
10. Hope
11. A clean kitchen table
12. I found our missing camera
13. Tie-dyed clothing, it makes me smile
14. My wonderful friends
15. Health insurance
16. I am not alone
17. Bananas, they are the perfect food
I am really worn out. I had a good appointment with my counselor today. I cried a lot and that was very therapeutic. Depression really hurts. I have been hurting the past few days but I felt guilty about it. I don’t have some big issue or loss that I am dealing with. It is just the same old severe treatment resistant depression that I have been dealing with for months and years. My counselor helped me see that it is ok to be sad. It is really silly to try deny that I am sad or to pretend that I am not hurting because I am really really hurting. I feel like I should be all better now. I was in the hospital, I take medication, I am having my brain shocked twice a week, and I am really really trying to get better. I am fighting. I am pushing on and I am not giving up even though I often want to give up. So why am I not better? Why am I still depressed? I worry about what my family and friends are thinking. Do they think I am not trying hard enough? Sure some days are bad days and I don’t fight as hard as I could but in general I am really fighting. I am so tired but I am still fighting.
As I cried and cried in my car this afternoon I was reminded of how much God loves me. I sobbed and He held me and told me He was with me. He also reminded me that He (God) wants me to be dependent on Him. He wants me to trust Him with my life. I will give in and say “ok Lord I give you my life” and then I snatch it back up again. I want to be self sufficient, in control, and not at all needy. Being needy has a negative connotation to it. But truly God created us to need Him and to need other people. We were not created to live on our own. We can survive on our own but not thrive. And God really wants us to live life abundantly, to thrive, and be full of joy.
“God I need you. I need your help. I need to not be depressed anymore. I am so tired and so weary. I give you myself once again. Take my broken body and spirit and make them whole again. Please give me strength. Please give me the courage to keep fighting, the courage to get out of bed when all I want to do is disappear. Thank you for your promises. I claim your promise of peace, strength, courage, joy, and hope. Thank you Lord for always being with me. In Jesus holy name I pray, Amen.”
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Waking up Depressed
I woke up feeling depressed today. I hate it when that happens. I feel like I have so little control. There was this dark heaviness weighing on me. I felt like crying but I did not really know why. I was tired and weary before I ate breakfast. Waking up depressed without a good reason feels miserable. Depression feels miserable with a good reason but even more so when you can’t put a finger on the source of the misery.
I have had a couple of really hard days. I keep trying to snap myself out of it but I am not snapping. So this morning when I woke up feeling depressed I decided to go back to bed. I went back to bed for an hour determined to wake up on the other side of the bed. When I got up I forced a smile and put on some happy music. We read a Bible story as a family which was nice. I then made myself go to church. I really just wanted to crawl back into bed. I feel so weary.
I cried a lot during church. It makes me so sad that I am still struggling with depression. Especially on days like today. Days when I really am trying to fight and I feel knocked down. Yet there are so many people who have truly devastating things going on in their lives. It makes me feel silly for being depressed. My life is really good for the most part. I have Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue which makes my life challenging but not impossible. I don’t really have a good reason for feeling this way.
I have tried really hard to be productive today. Man has that been a challenge. It is like I have been wading through knee high mud. Every task has been so difficult. But I should be proud of myself. I went to church and was social when I felt like hiding. I ate lunch in the sunshine on the porch with V. I made myself read my Bible and write in my journal. I took the dog for a long walk, picked up the living room, cleaned up after dinner, took V to the park, planted some flowers with V, and gave her a bath. Phew, writing all of that down was exhausting. I should be proud of myself but all I can think of is all the other stuff I need to get done.
I sure hope I feel better tomorrow.
I have had a couple of really hard days. I keep trying to snap myself out of it but I am not snapping. So this morning when I woke up feeling depressed I decided to go back to bed. I went back to bed for an hour determined to wake up on the other side of the bed. When I got up I forced a smile and put on some happy music. We read a Bible story as a family which was nice. I then made myself go to church. I really just wanted to crawl back into bed. I feel so weary.
I cried a lot during church. It makes me so sad that I am still struggling with depression. Especially on days like today. Days when I really am trying to fight and I feel knocked down. Yet there are so many people who have truly devastating things going on in their lives. It makes me feel silly for being depressed. My life is really good for the most part. I have Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue which makes my life challenging but not impossible. I don’t really have a good reason for feeling this way.
I have tried really hard to be productive today. Man has that been a challenge. It is like I have been wading through knee high mud. Every task has been so difficult. But I should be proud of myself. I went to church and was social when I felt like hiding. I ate lunch in the sunshine on the porch with V. I made myself read my Bible and write in my journal. I took the dog for a long walk, picked up the living room, cleaned up after dinner, took V to the park, planted some flowers with V, and gave her a bath. Phew, writing all of that down was exhausting. I should be proud of myself but all I can think of is all the other stuff I need to get done.
I sure hope I feel better tomorrow.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
It's a Journey
I started writting this the other day but I never really finished it.
4-2-10
I woke up very anxious today. So I got up, got dressed and went for a walk. Exercise is usually good for relieving anxiety. I also did deep breathing exercises. I was feeling a little better but then V started waking up. She kept calling out to me saying she did not want to be alone in her room. She wanted me to cuddle her and stay with her. After a while she woke up fully but immediately started telling me she wanted to stay home with me. She kept saying that she did not want me to leave her alone at the babysitter’s house and that she did not want to go today. It breaks my heart and stresses me out.
Did we pick the right place for her to go too? Does she feel abandoned? And now I am back to feeling anxious. Putting V in daycare was supposed to reduce stress for a while so that I can focus on getting healthy. But every day starts out stressful when she begs me not to go.
I have been feeling quite a bit better lately.
4-7-10
I don’t really know where to begin today. The depression has been better but I have been more anxious. I have also been feeling really insecure. My mind is so foggy. I am having trouble making decisions and then feeling confident about the decision I made. I keep questioning the daycare that we chose to send Vienna to. I can tell she is having a lot of fun and is learning new things but I still worry. This is one of those times that I need to trust God and trust the decision Nate and I made.
I am still really struggling with motivation. I think I could sleep and watch TV all day if I let myself. I am definitely not letting myself do that. I have to push really hard to get myself going in the morning. My thoughts feel jumbled. It is also lonely being home all alone. I could go visit with friends but I have so many things that I need to do. I am feeling really overwhelmed and anxious. I can’t seem to focus on one thing long enough to finish a task. But I am trying. And I will not give up.
Fighting my way through depression is a journey. It will take time to change my thoughts and behaviors.
4-2-10
I woke up very anxious today. So I got up, got dressed and went for a walk. Exercise is usually good for relieving anxiety. I also did deep breathing exercises. I was feeling a little better but then V started waking up. She kept calling out to me saying she did not want to be alone in her room. She wanted me to cuddle her and stay with her. After a while she woke up fully but immediately started telling me she wanted to stay home with me. She kept saying that she did not want me to leave her alone at the babysitter’s house and that she did not want to go today. It breaks my heart and stresses me out.
Did we pick the right place for her to go too? Does she feel abandoned? And now I am back to feeling anxious. Putting V in daycare was supposed to reduce stress for a while so that I can focus on getting healthy. But every day starts out stressful when she begs me not to go.
I have been feeling quite a bit better lately.
4-7-10
I don’t really know where to begin today. The depression has been better but I have been more anxious. I have also been feeling really insecure. My mind is so foggy. I am having trouble making decisions and then feeling confident about the decision I made. I keep questioning the daycare that we chose to send Vienna to. I can tell she is having a lot of fun and is learning new things but I still worry. This is one of those times that I need to trust God and trust the decision Nate and I made.
I am still really struggling with motivation. I think I could sleep and watch TV all day if I let myself. I am definitely not letting myself do that. I have to push really hard to get myself going in the morning. My thoughts feel jumbled. It is also lonely being home all alone. I could go visit with friends but I have so many things that I need to do. I am feeling really overwhelmed and anxious. I can’t seem to focus on one thing long enough to finish a task. But I am trying. And I will not give up.
Fighting my way through depression is a journey. It will take time to change my thoughts and behaviors.
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