I find it to be very interesting how depression creeps up on me. I thought I was doing really well and then boom I feel yucky again.
I saw my counselor yesterday. We talked about how I have a really hard time with my limitations. I don’t think I would mind so much if I was not surrounded by people who are getting all kinds of things done. I try not to compare myself to others but I still do it. I do not measure up to the average person let alone, the over achievers. We also talked about how it is more important to focus on who I am rather than what I do. God has been teaching me this lesson for several years now. When I was practically bed ridden (I would go from the bed to the couch) in 2002 I struggled with my worth. God showed me that he cared most about my heart and the person I was on the inside. Yes that is so important. And I agree that should be my focus but again, it is SO hard when I am surrounded by doers.
We talked about how this is very hard for me to accept. I want to be a great person but also to do great things. I started crying at the very beginning of the session and pretty much cried the rest of the day. I think I feel a great sense of grief and sadness. That may sound silly but I am grieving the loss of being able to do many of the things I thought I would do in my lifetime. I am very lucky that Fibromyalgia and depression are not cancer or some other fatal disease. However, at the same time, they have stolen so much from me. I am tired all the time. Whenever I do any exercise other than walk I end up in a tremendous amount of pain. I even get sore from walking if I do that for too long. So I am feeling very sad.
I really did cry all afternoon yesterday. I just could not stop the tears from flowing. By the time Nate and V got home I was so exhausted that I could have gone to bed for the night. Crying really takes a lot out of me. I have been exhausted again today. I am not talking about a little tired but overwhelming exhausted. The exhaustion mixed with depression was not good. I ended up sleeping much of the day. I was so tired but I still feel soooooooooooooooo tired. It seemed to take all of my energy to do the dishes and shower.
Nate being the wonderful and smart husband that he is made me go for a walk this evening. We went on a family picnic and then for a walk in the woods. I am so glad we did that. It was nice to be outside with my man, girl and dog. But now I am right back to feeling blah, sad, and yuck! It is 8:15 pm and I would love to go bed for the night. Instead I am making myself write.
I am thankful that today is almost over. I am determined to make tomorrow better. I see my psychiatrist in the morning. Maybe he will have some miracle cure for me. Probably not, but at least I get to start fresh tomorrow.
Gratitude/Happy List continued
208. I received a beautiful encouraging card from my friend yesterday.
209. My counselor is very, kind, encouraging and helpful.
210. My dog gives superb cuddles.
211. My dad and his wife made it home safely from Europe
212. My cousin had a beautiful healthy little girl yesterday.
213. The weather has been fabulous.
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Monday, May 24, 2010
True or Not True?
Lord I am so thankful for….
192. Life. We (I) so often take the gift of life for granted. Thank you for this opportunity to experience, enjoy, live, love, laugh, cry, and get to know you Lord.
193. My family. I am so blessed to have so many people in my life who love and support me.
194. My wonderful husband who loves me unconditionally.
195. My delightful daughter who I love more than I ever could have imagined loving. She teaches me new lessons every day and ALWAYS brings a smile to my face. I adore her words, enthusiasm, wonder, will, heart, hugs kisses.
196. Jesus. I cannot express my gratitude in words right now but I also cannot leave my faithful, forgiving, life giving God off the list.
197. Fun times with friends.
198. The church service I went to last night. The worship was powerful, the message was encouraging and challenging and the Holy Spirit was present.
199. I got to speak with my sister this morning. We are so good at playing phone tag.
200. V and I planted flowers yesterday. She was so adorable digging in a bag of soil that was almost twice the size of her. She takes after me and likes to over water.
201. The amazing sunshine.
202. All of my material needs are met. I am so blessed. Thank you God, Nate, Mom, Dad, Sharon and Tom for all that you have given and continue to give me.
203. Inspirational movies. Movies can be extremely rejuvenating for me. They help motivate, refresh, awaken, and empower me. They almost always point me to God’s goodness. No matter how “ungodly” the material is. Movies are about people and people are God’s masterpieces.
204. Love. That sounds so cliché but I truly am thankful for all the love I have in my life.
205. Singing. It lifts my mood and always makes me smile.
206. My daughter’s singing. It is double the smiles!!!!!
207. God. Again that sounds cliché but I am so thankful for God in my life. I cannot even seem to put into words the specifics of this gratitude but it is immense.
The last time I wrote I described how I felt like doing nothing. One thing that I have learned through the years as I have dealt with depression; is that some days I need to let go. Some days I am not strong enough to fight and that is ok. I am not saying that I give up but rather that I give in and focus on tomorrow. Sometimes I just need to go to bed for the night and start anew the next day. I know that sounds like quitting but those who have truly experienced depression understand. Sometimes we don’t have the energy to fight and we need to rest up so we join the battle the next day.
Well last time I wrote it was one of those days. It took all of my energy to write about what I was feeling. So I gave myself permission to rest and take care of myself. It is amazing how much better I felt when I simply gave myself permission to have a hard day and to take it easy. I got in the car and drove (un-showered…but that is ok) to the video store. I rented a funny movie and bought some chocolate ice cream. I often go out to a movie but that day I wanted to spend two hours petting my extremely loving dog. Pets can be extremely therapeutic. Ice cream can really make things better. I realize that is not the healthiest way of coping especially for me because I need to lose weight but right now while I am trying to survive chocolate ice cream on bad days is a bit therapeutic. I laughed hard and long at my movie and thoroughly enjoyed my ice cream. I felt refreshed and ready to move on after this Carly specific laughter therapy session. Each person is different and different things help pull them out of the pit. For me watching a funny movie and laughing is so very helpful.
The lesson here is that I let go, stopped trying to check off my "to do" list, and let myself relax. After I watched the movie I got up and cleaned the kitchen. Go Carly. Then I did my relaxation exercises and went for a long walk. Yeah victory. Last Tuesday was a victorious day! Praise the Lord.
I have been doing pretty well since then. I still struggle with motivation and energy. I did not expect it to take this long for me to get through this bought of depression. However this is not just a little bought it has been a big full blown major depressive disorder experience. Yuck! Depression stinks! I have such a hard time being patient with myself.
Yesterday I got frustrated with Nate because he suggested that I was not ready to have my daughter at home with me full time. I am her mother for goodness sakes; of course I am what am best for her. But I need to be healthy in order to be what is best for her. Nate wants to make sure I am strong, steady and very healthy. He wants to have me take the time to get fully healthy and make lifestyle changes now so we do not have to go through this again. I understand. His reasoning makes sense. I just don’t like feeling like I am doing nothing to contribute to my family and society.
I get embarrassed when I try to explain to people what I am doing right now. How do I explain that my daughter is in full time daycare while I stay home and try to take care of myself? I have a hard time explaining what I do all day. I hated it when I was very sick with fibromyalgia and did not work. Nate and others would tell me to tell people that my job was getting healthy. I felt so useless. But it was a little bit easier to embrace the job of getting healthy than it is currently. Now not only am I not contributing by society by working a job or contributing financially to my family but I am costing them a great deal of money. With medical bills, counseling and now child care what am I worth now?
People can be so judgmental or maybe I just perceive them as being judgmental. Maybe I am just judging myself. Anyway I don’t like feeling like people thinking I am lazy. I do struggle with being lazy at times but I don’t really think I am a lazy person. I have several health issues that zap my energy so I am just not able to do as much as some other people. I suppose this is where I must retrain my thoughts. Rather than worrying about what other people are thinking about me I should think about what I am worth to God. I should try my hardest and be content with my effort. So let’s see….let’s try some cognitive behavioral therapy (restructuring of my thoughts);
It is very hard that V is in daycare right now but I am a good and responsible mom for doing this while I am working on getting healthy. It is the best thing for her, my husband and me to take time working on my emotional, mental and physical health.
Even though I feel weak and others may think I am weak, I am actually a very strong and courageous person for choosing to fight depression instead of giving up.
I do not need to be embarrassed of how I am spending my days because God and the people who truly matter know that I am not just being lazy.
It is very hard for me to say this but, I am not lazy just because I am taking time for myself right now.
Even though I feel somewhat useless at times I am most definitely not useless. I am impacting my friends, my families and hopefully many other people’s lives right now.
Even though I might feel unlovable at times I am loved. God always loves me. I also have friends and family who love me just because I am Carly. I do not have to “do” or “be” certain things to earn God’s love. God loves me simply because I am me.
Well the tears are really flowing now. It is not easy to overcome negative feelings with positive thoughts. But the truth is; what we feel is not always true or correct. Our feelings are often irrational and exaggerated. But the hurt I feel is real. My feelings are real. The challenge is to take my painful feelings and turn them around into truthful thoughts.
God is so good. Life is hard sometimes. Depression sucks. But so does financial hardship, illness, loss of loved ones, and so many other trials in life. I am not alone in my suffering. I am not alone in this struggle. With God anything is possible. His power is made perfect in my weakness. God is good. I am thankful to be alive.
192. Life. We (I) so often take the gift of life for granted. Thank you for this opportunity to experience, enjoy, live, love, laugh, cry, and get to know you Lord.
193. My family. I am so blessed to have so many people in my life who love and support me.
194. My wonderful husband who loves me unconditionally.
195. My delightful daughter who I love more than I ever could have imagined loving. She teaches me new lessons every day and ALWAYS brings a smile to my face. I adore her words, enthusiasm, wonder, will, heart, hugs kisses.
196. Jesus. I cannot express my gratitude in words right now but I also cannot leave my faithful, forgiving, life giving God off the list.
197. Fun times with friends.
198. The church service I went to last night. The worship was powerful, the message was encouraging and challenging and the Holy Spirit was present.
199. I got to speak with my sister this morning. We are so good at playing phone tag.
200. V and I planted flowers yesterday. She was so adorable digging in a bag of soil that was almost twice the size of her. She takes after me and likes to over water.
201. The amazing sunshine.
202. All of my material needs are met. I am so blessed. Thank you God, Nate, Mom, Dad, Sharon and Tom for all that you have given and continue to give me.
203. Inspirational movies. Movies can be extremely rejuvenating for me. They help motivate, refresh, awaken, and empower me. They almost always point me to God’s goodness. No matter how “ungodly” the material is. Movies are about people and people are God’s masterpieces.
204. Love. That sounds so cliché but I truly am thankful for all the love I have in my life.
205. Singing. It lifts my mood and always makes me smile.
206. My daughter’s singing. It is double the smiles!!!!!
207. God. Again that sounds cliché but I am so thankful for God in my life. I cannot even seem to put into words the specifics of this gratitude but it is immense.
The last time I wrote I described how I felt like doing nothing. One thing that I have learned through the years as I have dealt with depression; is that some days I need to let go. Some days I am not strong enough to fight and that is ok. I am not saying that I give up but rather that I give in and focus on tomorrow. Sometimes I just need to go to bed for the night and start anew the next day. I know that sounds like quitting but those who have truly experienced depression understand. Sometimes we don’t have the energy to fight and we need to rest up so we join the battle the next day.
Well last time I wrote it was one of those days. It took all of my energy to write about what I was feeling. So I gave myself permission to rest and take care of myself. It is amazing how much better I felt when I simply gave myself permission to have a hard day and to take it easy. I got in the car and drove (un-showered…but that is ok) to the video store. I rented a funny movie and bought some chocolate ice cream. I often go out to a movie but that day I wanted to spend two hours petting my extremely loving dog. Pets can be extremely therapeutic. Ice cream can really make things better. I realize that is not the healthiest way of coping especially for me because I need to lose weight but right now while I am trying to survive chocolate ice cream on bad days is a bit therapeutic. I laughed hard and long at my movie and thoroughly enjoyed my ice cream. I felt refreshed and ready to move on after this Carly specific laughter therapy session. Each person is different and different things help pull them out of the pit. For me watching a funny movie and laughing is so very helpful.
The lesson here is that I let go, stopped trying to check off my "to do" list, and let myself relax. After I watched the movie I got up and cleaned the kitchen. Go Carly. Then I did my relaxation exercises and went for a long walk. Yeah victory. Last Tuesday was a victorious day! Praise the Lord.
I have been doing pretty well since then. I still struggle with motivation and energy. I did not expect it to take this long for me to get through this bought of depression. However this is not just a little bought it has been a big full blown major depressive disorder experience. Yuck! Depression stinks! I have such a hard time being patient with myself.
Yesterday I got frustrated with Nate because he suggested that I was not ready to have my daughter at home with me full time. I am her mother for goodness sakes; of course I am what am best for her. But I need to be healthy in order to be what is best for her. Nate wants to make sure I am strong, steady and very healthy. He wants to have me take the time to get fully healthy and make lifestyle changes now so we do not have to go through this again. I understand. His reasoning makes sense. I just don’t like feeling like I am doing nothing to contribute to my family and society.
I get embarrassed when I try to explain to people what I am doing right now. How do I explain that my daughter is in full time daycare while I stay home and try to take care of myself? I have a hard time explaining what I do all day. I hated it when I was very sick with fibromyalgia and did not work. Nate and others would tell me to tell people that my job was getting healthy. I felt so useless. But it was a little bit easier to embrace the job of getting healthy than it is currently. Now not only am I not contributing by society by working a job or contributing financially to my family but I am costing them a great deal of money. With medical bills, counseling and now child care what am I worth now?
People can be so judgmental or maybe I just perceive them as being judgmental. Maybe I am just judging myself. Anyway I don’t like feeling like people thinking I am lazy. I do struggle with being lazy at times but I don’t really think I am a lazy person. I have several health issues that zap my energy so I am just not able to do as much as some other people. I suppose this is where I must retrain my thoughts. Rather than worrying about what other people are thinking about me I should think about what I am worth to God. I should try my hardest and be content with my effort. So let’s see….let’s try some cognitive behavioral therapy (restructuring of my thoughts);
It is very hard that V is in daycare right now but I am a good and responsible mom for doing this while I am working on getting healthy. It is the best thing for her, my husband and me to take time working on my emotional, mental and physical health.
Even though I feel weak and others may think I am weak, I am actually a very strong and courageous person for choosing to fight depression instead of giving up.
I do not need to be embarrassed of how I am spending my days because God and the people who truly matter know that I am not just being lazy.
It is very hard for me to say this but, I am not lazy just because I am taking time for myself right now.
Even though I feel somewhat useless at times I am most definitely not useless. I am impacting my friends, my families and hopefully many other people’s lives right now.
Even though I might feel unlovable at times I am loved. God always loves me. I also have friends and family who love me just because I am Carly. I do not have to “do” or “be” certain things to earn God’s love. God loves me simply because I am me.
Well the tears are really flowing now. It is not easy to overcome negative feelings with positive thoughts. But the truth is; what we feel is not always true or correct. Our feelings are often irrational and exaggerated. But the hurt I feel is real. My feelings are real. The challenge is to take my painful feelings and turn them around into truthful thoughts.
God is so good. Life is hard sometimes. Depression sucks. But so does financial hardship, illness, loss of loved ones, and so many other trials in life. I am not alone in my suffering. I am not alone in this struggle. With God anything is possible. His power is made perfect in my weakness. God is good. I am thankful to be alive.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Still Struggling
Happy/Grateful list continued
178. God’s mercies are new every morning.
179. My family laughed a lot together last night.
180. My bed is very comfy.
181. The kitchen is clean.
182. V adored seeing her Grandparents, Aunt and other family in Ohio.
183. V’s Grandma put on a lovely Birthday party for her.
184. This same Grandma also made her a beautiful princess cake.
185. Nate really enjoyed seeing his family
186. We laughed a lot with our friends on Saturday night.
187. I have a new nephew. Nate’s step-brother adopted a 10 year-old boy.
188. Nate’s sister seems really happy:).
189. We made Nate’s Grandma very happy by visiting her. She was very grateful.
190. V got to play with two of bestest little friends. They are so adorable together.
191. Jenny-Dog was super affectionate yesterday.
I really need to write more. My thoughts get all jumbled when I try to process too many days at a time. Where do I start? The last few days have been challenging. They have not been terrible by any means but they have not been easy. We went to Ohio on Thursday night to visit my husband’s family. We did not get to bed until 1:00 am (including my almost 3 year-old daughter) which is not a good way for me to start my weekend. I really need my sleep. The night before we left (Wednesday) I was not able to fall asleep until 3:00 am. So I was tired right from the beginning.
I struggled a bit with insecurity. However, whenever I started to question myself I tried to re-structure my thoughts. I would tell myself that there was no reason to be insecure and that even if the family did not like me it is God’s opinion that really matters. I found myself being a little needy towards my husband. I really needed him to give me a little extra encouragement as well as hugs and touches. This did not happen. He was focused on his family as he should have been. He only sees them a few times a year and he sees me every day. Now I am not saying that I needed him to focus on me or even give me a solid hour of attention each day. I just needed a little attention. I needed some “I love you”s, some stolen kisses, and some encouraging words at the end of each day. I have a fantastic loving and supportive husband. It is challenging for anyone to juggle family and their spouse.
I am still really struggling with depression. I have to try very hard each day to not give into feeling totally depressed. I have to choose to depend on God and not simply go back to bed which is what I really want to do. Actually this weekend I really wanted to hide and watch TV. I just wanted to check out, to have mind occupied with other people’s lives like those on television.
I got to spend a lot of time with my daughter which was really nice. It was also challenging at times. We still have to practically fight her to use the potty. She is also not very interested in listening right now. But overall she is adorable, funny, delightful, and very fun to be with. I love listening to her sing! She has the sweetest little voice. Her favorite question is why. I don’t believe she is saying it to be annoying rather; she really wants to know why. She is very good at talking me into things. She has become quite the little bargainer.
I don’t feel like doing anything today. I already went back to bed for a couple of hours and watched some TV. I really just want to curl up and watch a movie but there is always so much to do. I don’t know why I cannot get organized and keep things clean and picked up every day. I can tell that I am still depressed because I often don’t want to do things to take care of me. This morning I did not want to take the time to take my medicine and vitamins. I wanted to go back to bed and deal with it later. How hard is it to take a couple of pills? Sunday I almost did not fill up my water bottle for the long drive home because it seemed like too much work. I had to make myself do it. Drinking is something simple that I can do to take care of myself but lately it feels like one more hard thing to do. I did not shower yesterday and I still have not done it today. Making food is such a chore that I put off as long as I can. I usually end up making some microwave meal or I eat cereal. This too is not good for me.
It is a good thing that I have to be somewhere the next two mornings because that will force me to get moving.
178. God’s mercies are new every morning.
179. My family laughed a lot together last night.
180. My bed is very comfy.
181. The kitchen is clean.
182. V adored seeing her Grandparents, Aunt and other family in Ohio.
183. V’s Grandma put on a lovely Birthday party for her.
184. This same Grandma also made her a beautiful princess cake.
185. Nate really enjoyed seeing his family
186. We laughed a lot with our friends on Saturday night.
187. I have a new nephew. Nate’s step-brother adopted a 10 year-old boy.
188. Nate’s sister seems really happy:).
189. We made Nate’s Grandma very happy by visiting her. She was very grateful.
190. V got to play with two of bestest little friends. They are so adorable together.
191. Jenny-Dog was super affectionate yesterday.
I really need to write more. My thoughts get all jumbled when I try to process too many days at a time. Where do I start? The last few days have been challenging. They have not been terrible by any means but they have not been easy. We went to Ohio on Thursday night to visit my husband’s family. We did not get to bed until 1:00 am (including my almost 3 year-old daughter) which is not a good way for me to start my weekend. I really need my sleep. The night before we left (Wednesday) I was not able to fall asleep until 3:00 am. So I was tired right from the beginning.
I struggled a bit with insecurity. However, whenever I started to question myself I tried to re-structure my thoughts. I would tell myself that there was no reason to be insecure and that even if the family did not like me it is God’s opinion that really matters. I found myself being a little needy towards my husband. I really needed him to give me a little extra encouragement as well as hugs and touches. This did not happen. He was focused on his family as he should have been. He only sees them a few times a year and he sees me every day. Now I am not saying that I needed him to focus on me or even give me a solid hour of attention each day. I just needed a little attention. I needed some “I love you”s, some stolen kisses, and some encouraging words at the end of each day. I have a fantastic loving and supportive husband. It is challenging for anyone to juggle family and their spouse.
I am still really struggling with depression. I have to try very hard each day to not give into feeling totally depressed. I have to choose to depend on God and not simply go back to bed which is what I really want to do. Actually this weekend I really wanted to hide and watch TV. I just wanted to check out, to have mind occupied with other people’s lives like those on television.
I got to spend a lot of time with my daughter which was really nice. It was also challenging at times. We still have to practically fight her to use the potty. She is also not very interested in listening right now. But overall she is adorable, funny, delightful, and very fun to be with. I love listening to her sing! She has the sweetest little voice. Her favorite question is why. I don’t believe she is saying it to be annoying rather; she really wants to know why. She is very good at talking me into things. She has become quite the little bargainer.
I don’t feel like doing anything today. I already went back to bed for a couple of hours and watched some TV. I really just want to curl up and watch a movie but there is always so much to do. I don’t know why I cannot get organized and keep things clean and picked up every day. I can tell that I am still depressed because I often don’t want to do things to take care of me. This morning I did not want to take the time to take my medicine and vitamins. I wanted to go back to bed and deal with it later. How hard is it to take a couple of pills? Sunday I almost did not fill up my water bottle for the long drive home because it seemed like too much work. I had to make myself do it. Drinking is something simple that I can do to take care of myself but lately it feels like one more hard thing to do. I did not shower yesterday and I still have not done it today. Making food is such a chore that I put off as long as I can. I usually end up making some microwave meal or I eat cereal. This too is not good for me.
It is a good thing that I have to be somewhere the next two mornings because that will force me to get moving.
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Say No to Stress
We had a difficult morning today. Nate woke me up to help with V because he was running late. V was in a terrible fussy yucky mood. She did not want to go potty, get dressed, brush her teeth or leave. I try not to but I still feel a little bit of guilt about her having to go to childcare. She wants to stay home and if I was healthy she could stay home.
Starting the morning like this is very challenging for me. The day starts out stressful and with me feeling guilty. This is not a good way to start the day. So here I am trying to process what I am feeling. I read my Starting Your Day Right devotional book by Joyce Meyer. She spoke about purposely enlarging my circle of love by trying to love the people who are quite unlovable. That is good advice but not all that applicable to what I am dealing with this morning.
So how about this;
“God I give you these yucky feelings of stress and guilt. I need you right now. Please help me to let go of those feelings and focus on all that today has to offer. Lord I give you my day today. Please help me to use my time productively, to walk in gratitude, to glorify you and bless the people around me. Thank you Lord for hearing my prayers. I pray this in Jesus name, Amen.”
I am also feeling anxious about my daughter’s birthday party. Her birthday is not until June 2. So I really should be listening to the advice God gave me yesterday (it is recorded in yesterdays post). I am have actually been stressing about this silly party a lot. I really want to have a fun party where we invite her friends, our friends and my parents. I strongly believe that birthdays are a cause for celebration! After all the doctor told me that I would most likely NOT be able to have children and behold, we have a miracle daughter.
The problem is that our house is very very small. Having the party in the back yard would be ok but there is NOT enough room inside if there is rain. I have looked into holding it at a park but it is quite costly to rent a pavilion. However the bigger problem is that you can book space at these parks a year in advance so there is nothing available on any of the weekends in June. I also looked into holding the party at Jumping Jax, the zoo or Impressions 5 Science museum. These venues are even more costly. I also don’t think she needs such an extravagant party. She is only turning 3. I don’t want to set a president for parties in the future. Yet it would be so much easier to have the party at one of those three places. They handle much of the set up, will take care of the food if you want them too, and the zoo even provides goody bags. With the way my life is right now these options are so tempting.
I just don’t have the energy to have the party at my house. Cleaning my house to the spick and span status is just too overwhelming. And trying to smush everyone into our little house just doesn’t seem possible. I know that having it at our house would be way to stressful and overwhelming for me to handle. I am aware of my limitations. And Carly struggling with depression cannot handle a birthday party at our house.
I don’t feel comfortable asking a friend to host the party at their house. I would love to ask my dad but he is oversees and will return only a week before V’s birthday. Ugggggggggggg I just don’t know what to do. I need to do something now so I can send out invitations and start planning. If I don’t plan ahead than I am setting myself up for a very stressful week the week of the party.
Well I need to go get to work. We are going to Ohio to visit family this weekend. I have a ton of packing to do. I also need to take Jenny-Dog to the kennel and go take care of my dad’s cat. It is so crazy how quickly our days fill up with “stuff”. I am going to spend time with God first. I NEED His wise counsel, encouragement, and direction for today. I am seriously living one day at a time. I get overwhelmed and anxious whenever I try to think beyond the current day. Each day is a new day. God’s mercies are new every morning. I am grateful for every good day I have. Depression really makes me appreciate all the good days!
Happy/Gratitude list continued
155. The flower beds in front of my house are cleaned out.
156. The front of the house looks so much better!
157. My friend, V and I planted some flowers in pots to sit on our porch.
158. Flowers are beautiful and they make me smile every time I see them.
159. My favorite worship song is playing on the radio right now :).
160. The earth is filled with God’s glory.
161. The joy of the Lord is our strength.
162. I had a really good conversation with my step-mother in-law yesterday. She understands depression as she struggles with it too. I think we were mutually encouraging.
163. It really helps talking to other people who struggle with depression. It is good to know that we are not alone.
164. V and I had a lot of fun playing in the dirt and mud yesterday.
165. God’s grace is sufficient!
166. Journaling was very encouraging and therapeutic yesterday and today.
167. My mom loves me and I love her.
168. The Ohio family can’t wait to see V and she can’t wait to see them.
169. My good friend’s son was given a clean bill of health from the doctor. He had been life-threateningly sick but God has totally healed him. PTL!
170. V seems to be really enjoying her friend Sophia at daycare.
171. My step-brother in-law in adopting a 9 year-old boy and we will get to meet him on Saturday.
172. Praise God that he will have a place to call home and a family that will love him.
173. It is storming outside. I love storms. They remind me of being at summer camp when I was a girl.
174. Today is going to be a great day. I can feel it!
175. Our weekend starts today. Yeah family time!
176. I am feeling really good right now. Being grateful really can transform our mood.
177. I have hope.
Starting the morning like this is very challenging for me. The day starts out stressful and with me feeling guilty. This is not a good way to start the day. So here I am trying to process what I am feeling. I read my Starting Your Day Right devotional book by Joyce Meyer. She spoke about purposely enlarging my circle of love by trying to love the people who are quite unlovable. That is good advice but not all that applicable to what I am dealing with this morning.
So how about this;
“God I give you these yucky feelings of stress and guilt. I need you right now. Please help me to let go of those feelings and focus on all that today has to offer. Lord I give you my day today. Please help me to use my time productively, to walk in gratitude, to glorify you and bless the people around me. Thank you Lord for hearing my prayers. I pray this in Jesus name, Amen.”
I am also feeling anxious about my daughter’s birthday party. Her birthday is not until June 2. So I really should be listening to the advice God gave me yesterday (it is recorded in yesterdays post). I am have actually been stressing about this silly party a lot. I really want to have a fun party where we invite her friends, our friends and my parents. I strongly believe that birthdays are a cause for celebration! After all the doctor told me that I would most likely NOT be able to have children and behold, we have a miracle daughter.
The problem is that our house is very very small. Having the party in the back yard would be ok but there is NOT enough room inside if there is rain. I have looked into holding it at a park but it is quite costly to rent a pavilion. However the bigger problem is that you can book space at these parks a year in advance so there is nothing available on any of the weekends in June. I also looked into holding the party at Jumping Jax, the zoo or Impressions 5 Science museum. These venues are even more costly. I also don’t think she needs such an extravagant party. She is only turning 3. I don’t want to set a president for parties in the future. Yet it would be so much easier to have the party at one of those three places. They handle much of the set up, will take care of the food if you want them too, and the zoo even provides goody bags. With the way my life is right now these options are so tempting.
I just don’t have the energy to have the party at my house. Cleaning my house to the spick and span status is just too overwhelming. And trying to smush everyone into our little house just doesn’t seem possible. I know that having it at our house would be way to stressful and overwhelming for me to handle. I am aware of my limitations. And Carly struggling with depression cannot handle a birthday party at our house.
I don’t feel comfortable asking a friend to host the party at their house. I would love to ask my dad but he is oversees and will return only a week before V’s birthday. Ugggggggggggg I just don’t know what to do. I need to do something now so I can send out invitations and start planning. If I don’t plan ahead than I am setting myself up for a very stressful week the week of the party.
Well I need to go get to work. We are going to Ohio to visit family this weekend. I have a ton of packing to do. I also need to take Jenny-Dog to the kennel and go take care of my dad’s cat. It is so crazy how quickly our days fill up with “stuff”. I am going to spend time with God first. I NEED His wise counsel, encouragement, and direction for today. I am seriously living one day at a time. I get overwhelmed and anxious whenever I try to think beyond the current day. Each day is a new day. God’s mercies are new every morning. I am grateful for every good day I have. Depression really makes me appreciate all the good days!
Happy/Gratitude list continued
155. The flower beds in front of my house are cleaned out.
156. The front of the house looks so much better!
157. My friend, V and I planted some flowers in pots to sit on our porch.
158. Flowers are beautiful and they make me smile every time I see them.
159. My favorite worship song is playing on the radio right now :).
160. The earth is filled with God’s glory.
161. The joy of the Lord is our strength.
162. I had a really good conversation with my step-mother in-law yesterday. She understands depression as she struggles with it too. I think we were mutually encouraging.
163. It really helps talking to other people who struggle with depression. It is good to know that we are not alone.
164. V and I had a lot of fun playing in the dirt and mud yesterday.
165. God’s grace is sufficient!
166. Journaling was very encouraging and therapeutic yesterday and today.
167. My mom loves me and I love her.
168. The Ohio family can’t wait to see V and she can’t wait to see them.
169. My good friend’s son was given a clean bill of health from the doctor. He had been life-threateningly sick but God has totally healed him. PTL!
170. V seems to be really enjoying her friend Sophia at daycare.
171. My step-brother in-law in adopting a 9 year-old boy and we will get to meet him on Saturday.
172. Praise God that he will have a place to call home and a family that will love him.
173. It is storming outside. I love storms. They remind me of being at summer camp when I was a girl.
174. Today is going to be a great day. I can feel it!
175. Our weekend starts today. Yeah family time!
176. I am feeling really good right now. Being grateful really can transform our mood.
177. I have hope.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Depending on God
5-11-2010
Gratitude/Happy List continued
145. I get to spend extra time with V today
146. We are going to a retirement party for my mom today.
147. My mom is retiring. She deserves s to!
148. My friend Sara is going to help me plant some flowers and bushes.
149. We are going to Ohio for a long weekend.
150. Lots of family time this weekend.
151. I love my new comforter.
152. I am almost done with all the laundry!
153. We had yummy steaks for dinner on Mothers Day.
154. We get to have a birthday party for V very soon.
I have been feeling much better the last two days. It has taken a lot of work and determination to feel better. God has been showing me that He wants me to completely depend on Him for everything. I get extremely overwhelmed often and whenever that happens God wants me to go to Him and ask for help. I felt very groggy this morning and I was in a lot of pain (headache, neck and shoulders) so I had a really hard time getting going. I really hate it when I waste time like that. So I asked God to help me prioritize the activities that needed to get done. I asked Him to direct my steps. I gave Him control of the tiny details of my life and trusted that He would put me on the right path. This has really helped. Interestingly, playing around on facebook was not among the most important activities to get done. God is so very faithful and He wants us to dwell in his presence all day long.
5-12-2010
I really wanted to journal more yesterday but it just did not happen. I have been struggling with being exhausted lately. Not just plain old tired but exhausted. I need to start listening to my body because my fibromyalgia pain has been a lot worse and I think that is because I am so worn out. The problem is that my body needs/wants a lot of sleep. I let myself sleep in yesterday but I skipped a nap. I slept in again today but I also had to take a nap. I tried to sleep for only forty-five minutes but I was so exhausted that I slept through my alarm. I slept extremely hard for two and a half hours. Needing this much sleep really frustrates me. There is so much to get done in a day and I just can’t get it all done needing to sleep as much as I do. I shot up out of bed after my nap today and immediately felt overwhelmed and anxious. I knew that there was no way I could get everything done in the forty-five minutes I had before my family got home. I was so anxious that when I did my relaxation exercises I could not get myself to chill out! Uggggggggggg.
God has been blessing me in my quiet time with Him. Almost everything I read in Scripture or in my devotional books has been speaking directly to my heart and my current circumstances. At times when I have been hurting and feeling hopeless I have wondered why in the world I am suffering in such extreme ways (at least that is how depression feels, it feels like there is nothing worse than the pain I am feeling). I know that God is good and that He has a plan for me but it is so hard to understand why such miserable depression is a part of the plan. Two days ago God gave me this Scripture;
“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows. If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer. And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our suffering, so also you share in our comfort.”
2 Corinthians 1:3-7
I would not have wanted to receive this word from God on Saturday or Sunday. When we are in the midst of the worst part of our suffering we really don’t want to hear that God is teaching us how to be empathetic. Or that He is preparing us for a time when we will comfort and bless someone else who is hurting. We also don’t want to hear that our suffering is part of God’s plan. I try to be careful to let people feel what they are feeling and just listen. Then when they are a bit stronger I can encourage them with God’s Word about His purpose for the suffering. When you are in the middle of the most excruciating pain you have ever felt you just don’t want someone to try to explain it away.
However, when God shared this with me on Monday I was already determined to feel better. I was determined to have God heal me, strengthen me, and fill me with His joy. So Monday this was very encouraging.
I am reading a daily devotional entitled Jesus Calling by Sarah Young. She basis each entry on Scripture and writes as if Jesus is speaking directly to us. My goodness was this message for me! For May 10 she wrote;
“DO NOT RESIST OR RUN from the difficulties in your life. These problems are not random mistakes; they are hand-tailored blessings designed for your benefit and growth. Embrace all the circumstances that I allow in your life, trusting Me to bring good out of them. View problems as opportunities to rely more fully on Me. When you start to feel stressed, let those feeling alert you to your need for Me. Thus, your needs become doorways to deep dependence on Me and increasing intimacy between us. Although self-sufficiency is acclaimed in the world, reliance on Me produces abundant living in My kingdom. Thank Me for the difficulties in your life, since they provide protection from the idolatry of self-reliance.”
WOW! It is not easy to think of my depression as a hand-tailored blessing designed for my benefit and growth. If I had read that Saturday morning I may have thrown the book across the room. But God knows what we can handle and when we can handle it. I was hurting too much this weekend to see past the pain. I like how Sarah says that when we are feeling stressed it is a sign that we need God. I have been trying to pray and reach out to God the past few days as soon as I start to feel stressed. When I actually do it (instead of dwelling on the cause of my stress) I feel much better. God has been helping me see through the stressful situation and calm down. I see more clearly when I am not “stressing”. The big catch is that I have to make the choice to reach out to God. I have to stop dwelling and surrender to Him. I have to choose Him and that is a very intentional act. God is teaching me about true dependence on Him. I am not very good at it yet. I like to try to control situations but God is showing me my true NEED for Him.
Then on May 11 Sarah wrote;
“THANK ME FOR YOUR PROBLEMS. As soon as your mind gets snagged on difficulty, bring it to Me with thanksgiving. Then ask me to show you My way to handle the situation. The very act of thanking Me releases your mind from its negative focus. As you turn your attention to Me the, the problem fades in significance and loses its power to trip you up. Together we can deal with the situation, either facing it head-on or putting it aside for later consideration. Most of the situations that entangle your mind are not today’s concerns; you have borrowed them from tomorrow. In this case, I lift the problem out of today and deposit it in the future, where it is veiled from your eyes. In its place I give you My Peace, which flows freely from My Presence.”
What?! Thank Him for depression? You have got to be kidding me. Seriously this sounded crazy!!! But then I thought about it for a minute. Maybe God knows what He is talking about. So I forced myself to mumble “Thank you Lord for this difficult time.” I could not say thank you for depression. It felt like blasphemy thanking anyone for depression. But I made myself sincerely thank God for my problems. God has definitely helped me deal with my depression the past three days. I have felt His presence as I have put my life into His hands. Actually I usually just put my day into God’s hands. My life seems way to huge right now. I am taking things one day at a time. So I have given Him my day the past three days and I have had really good days. They have not been easy days! But they have been manageable and good.
Being thankful really takes my mind off whatever I am struggling with. My problems or pain don’t disappear but I am no longer focusing on them. My counselor is the one who suggested I start a gratitude journal. He said to do it every day. He gave me a bunch of handouts on research done on gratitude. One of the articles was by Oprah. She talked about how intentionally being grateful each day completely transformed her life. It is interesting how science and Gods Word are in agreement. Being thankful releases you from the negative focus and makes life better.
God is so very good. He loves each one of us with a love than none of us can fathom. Faith is hard to understand. God is hard to understand. However I know that He is real. I have seen Him work in my life as well as so many other lives. The joy of the Lord truly is my strength.
Gratitude/Happy List continued
145. I get to spend extra time with V today
146. We are going to a retirement party for my mom today.
147. My mom is retiring. She deserves s to!
148. My friend Sara is going to help me plant some flowers and bushes.
149. We are going to Ohio for a long weekend.
150. Lots of family time this weekend.
151. I love my new comforter.
152. I am almost done with all the laundry!
153. We had yummy steaks for dinner on Mothers Day.
154. We get to have a birthday party for V very soon.
I have been feeling much better the last two days. It has taken a lot of work and determination to feel better. God has been showing me that He wants me to completely depend on Him for everything. I get extremely overwhelmed often and whenever that happens God wants me to go to Him and ask for help. I felt very groggy this morning and I was in a lot of pain (headache, neck and shoulders) so I had a really hard time getting going. I really hate it when I waste time like that. So I asked God to help me prioritize the activities that needed to get done. I asked Him to direct my steps. I gave Him control of the tiny details of my life and trusted that He would put me on the right path. This has really helped. Interestingly, playing around on facebook was not among the most important activities to get done. God is so very faithful and He wants us to dwell in his presence all day long.
5-12-2010
I really wanted to journal more yesterday but it just did not happen. I have been struggling with being exhausted lately. Not just plain old tired but exhausted. I need to start listening to my body because my fibromyalgia pain has been a lot worse and I think that is because I am so worn out. The problem is that my body needs/wants a lot of sleep. I let myself sleep in yesterday but I skipped a nap. I slept in again today but I also had to take a nap. I tried to sleep for only forty-five minutes but I was so exhausted that I slept through my alarm. I slept extremely hard for two and a half hours. Needing this much sleep really frustrates me. There is so much to get done in a day and I just can’t get it all done needing to sleep as much as I do. I shot up out of bed after my nap today and immediately felt overwhelmed and anxious. I knew that there was no way I could get everything done in the forty-five minutes I had before my family got home. I was so anxious that when I did my relaxation exercises I could not get myself to chill out! Uggggggggggg.
God has been blessing me in my quiet time with Him. Almost everything I read in Scripture or in my devotional books has been speaking directly to my heart and my current circumstances. At times when I have been hurting and feeling hopeless I have wondered why in the world I am suffering in such extreme ways (at least that is how depression feels, it feels like there is nothing worse than the pain I am feeling). I know that God is good and that He has a plan for me but it is so hard to understand why such miserable depression is a part of the plan. Two days ago God gave me this Scripture;
“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows. If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer. And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our suffering, so also you share in our comfort.”
2 Corinthians 1:3-7
I would not have wanted to receive this word from God on Saturday or Sunday. When we are in the midst of the worst part of our suffering we really don’t want to hear that God is teaching us how to be empathetic. Or that He is preparing us for a time when we will comfort and bless someone else who is hurting. We also don’t want to hear that our suffering is part of God’s plan. I try to be careful to let people feel what they are feeling and just listen. Then when they are a bit stronger I can encourage them with God’s Word about His purpose for the suffering. When you are in the middle of the most excruciating pain you have ever felt you just don’t want someone to try to explain it away.
However, when God shared this with me on Monday I was already determined to feel better. I was determined to have God heal me, strengthen me, and fill me with His joy. So Monday this was very encouraging.
I am reading a daily devotional entitled Jesus Calling by Sarah Young. She basis each entry on Scripture and writes as if Jesus is speaking directly to us. My goodness was this message for me! For May 10 she wrote;
“DO NOT RESIST OR RUN from the difficulties in your life. These problems are not random mistakes; they are hand-tailored blessings designed for your benefit and growth. Embrace all the circumstances that I allow in your life, trusting Me to bring good out of them. View problems as opportunities to rely more fully on Me. When you start to feel stressed, let those feeling alert you to your need for Me. Thus, your needs become doorways to deep dependence on Me and increasing intimacy between us. Although self-sufficiency is acclaimed in the world, reliance on Me produces abundant living in My kingdom. Thank Me for the difficulties in your life, since they provide protection from the idolatry of self-reliance.”
WOW! It is not easy to think of my depression as a hand-tailored blessing designed for my benefit and growth. If I had read that Saturday morning I may have thrown the book across the room. But God knows what we can handle and when we can handle it. I was hurting too much this weekend to see past the pain. I like how Sarah says that when we are feeling stressed it is a sign that we need God. I have been trying to pray and reach out to God the past few days as soon as I start to feel stressed. When I actually do it (instead of dwelling on the cause of my stress) I feel much better. God has been helping me see through the stressful situation and calm down. I see more clearly when I am not “stressing”. The big catch is that I have to make the choice to reach out to God. I have to stop dwelling and surrender to Him. I have to choose Him and that is a very intentional act. God is teaching me about true dependence on Him. I am not very good at it yet. I like to try to control situations but God is showing me my true NEED for Him.
Then on May 11 Sarah wrote;
“THANK ME FOR YOUR PROBLEMS. As soon as your mind gets snagged on difficulty, bring it to Me with thanksgiving. Then ask me to show you My way to handle the situation. The very act of thanking Me releases your mind from its negative focus. As you turn your attention to Me the, the problem fades in significance and loses its power to trip you up. Together we can deal with the situation, either facing it head-on or putting it aside for later consideration. Most of the situations that entangle your mind are not today’s concerns; you have borrowed them from tomorrow. In this case, I lift the problem out of today and deposit it in the future, where it is veiled from your eyes. In its place I give you My Peace, which flows freely from My Presence.”
What?! Thank Him for depression? You have got to be kidding me. Seriously this sounded crazy!!! But then I thought about it for a minute. Maybe God knows what He is talking about. So I forced myself to mumble “Thank you Lord for this difficult time.” I could not say thank you for depression. It felt like blasphemy thanking anyone for depression. But I made myself sincerely thank God for my problems. God has definitely helped me deal with my depression the past three days. I have felt His presence as I have put my life into His hands. Actually I usually just put my day into God’s hands. My life seems way to huge right now. I am taking things one day at a time. So I have given Him my day the past three days and I have had really good days. They have not been easy days! But they have been manageable and good.
Being thankful really takes my mind off whatever I am struggling with. My problems or pain don’t disappear but I am no longer focusing on them. My counselor is the one who suggested I start a gratitude journal. He said to do it every day. He gave me a bunch of handouts on research done on gratitude. One of the articles was by Oprah. She talked about how intentionally being grateful each day completely transformed her life. It is interesting how science and Gods Word are in agreement. Being thankful releases you from the negative focus and makes life better.
God is so very good. He loves each one of us with a love than none of us can fathom. Faith is hard to understand. God is hard to understand. However I know that He is real. I have seen Him work in my life as well as so many other lives. The joy of the Lord truly is my strength.
Sunday, May 9, 2010
What's The Deal?
I am having another really difficult day. I am weepy and overwhelmed. I am really struggling with the physical symptoms of depression. My mind is all foggy, I feel groggy, I am tired, and I feel gloomy. I have been trying to feel good but I can’t seem to make it happen. I have felt anti-social and blah. I feel weak, like a gentle gush of wind would blow me right over. I feel fragile like I could break at any moment.
I have been having hard time writing in this journal. I am feeling blah and so it is difficult for me to express myself. I am usually a more creative writer. In fact usually I really enjoy writing but lately I just stare at the empty computer screen trying to figure what to write.
Since yesterday was a tough day I got right up today and exercised right away. I have been very intentional about thinking positive thoughts. I went through the many things I am grateful for in my head. We went out to lunch at one of my favorite restaurants. Nate and V gave me a very sweet Mothers Day note. They also got me two beautiful gifts and a very practical one. I have been focusing on the good yet I am still feeling lousy. I know that I am very tired and sometimes that makes depression worse but I should not feel this bad.
I really need to vacuum, do the dishes and pick up around the house but I just can‘t seem to get myself to do it. I cancelled Mothers Day dinner with my mom because I could not handle the stress of having guests. I can barely handle the stress of having a 3 year old daughter who is extremely willful and has no desire to use the potty. I need to find a way to pull myself together. It is not fair for Nate to have to shoulder all of the burdens of running a household and raising a child. I don’t know how single parents do it.
I worry that Nate will get sick of me and want to leave. I have been physically sick with Fibromyalgia and mentally ill with depression our whole marriage. I don’t know how he hasn’t gotten fed up already. I know he loves me but I am really a lot of work. He has been so patient, loving and supportive. He deserves a big long stress free vacation. He deserves to have a woman take good care of him for a while. I want to be that woman.
I really want to get better. I don’t understand why it is not happening. I am so tired of being a burden to others. I am so tired of feeling the way that I feel. I am really hurting. I hurt so very much and I can’t seem to make it stop.
I don’t enjoy things that I would usually enjoy. I was in the nursery this morning at church and I found the babies annoying rather than delightful. And it was definitely not the children it was me. I don’t enjoy much of the time I spend with V. I feel like it is a chore. I used to absolutely adore my time with her. I don’t enjoy quality time with Nate, social activities, or doing fun things. I feel like all that I enjoy is sleep and eating sugary foods. I feel like I am up tight all the time. I want to relax, go with the flow and enjoy my life. Why can’t I make this depression go away? What is wrong with me?
I know that depression is an illness. But I am taking medication, going to counseling, and I have even done several ECT treatments. So what is the deal? Why am I not better?
I am grateful for…
133. The birds singing today.
134. Playing hide and seek with V.
135. The yummy lunch I had at Cheddars restaurant.
136. A restful rejuvenating nap this afternoon.
137. A fabulous mom who I love very much.
138. A terrific step-mom who is a blessing to us all.
139. A great mother in-law and step mother in-law.
140. A kind and loving grandma in-law and step grandma.
141. So many family members who do a great job loving my daughter.
142. A loving church family.
143. My fabulous husband.
144. My adorable daughter.
I don’t have the energy to do my Get Out Of The Pit journal today.
I have been having hard time writing in this journal. I am feeling blah and so it is difficult for me to express myself. I am usually a more creative writer. In fact usually I really enjoy writing but lately I just stare at the empty computer screen trying to figure what to write.
Since yesterday was a tough day I got right up today and exercised right away. I have been very intentional about thinking positive thoughts. I went through the many things I am grateful for in my head. We went out to lunch at one of my favorite restaurants. Nate and V gave me a very sweet Mothers Day note. They also got me two beautiful gifts and a very practical one. I have been focusing on the good yet I am still feeling lousy. I know that I am very tired and sometimes that makes depression worse but I should not feel this bad.
I really need to vacuum, do the dishes and pick up around the house but I just can‘t seem to get myself to do it. I cancelled Mothers Day dinner with my mom because I could not handle the stress of having guests. I can barely handle the stress of having a 3 year old daughter who is extremely willful and has no desire to use the potty. I need to find a way to pull myself together. It is not fair for Nate to have to shoulder all of the burdens of running a household and raising a child. I don’t know how single parents do it.
I worry that Nate will get sick of me and want to leave. I have been physically sick with Fibromyalgia and mentally ill with depression our whole marriage. I don’t know how he hasn’t gotten fed up already. I know he loves me but I am really a lot of work. He has been so patient, loving and supportive. He deserves a big long stress free vacation. He deserves to have a woman take good care of him for a while. I want to be that woman.
I really want to get better. I don’t understand why it is not happening. I am so tired of being a burden to others. I am so tired of feeling the way that I feel. I am really hurting. I hurt so very much and I can’t seem to make it stop.
I don’t enjoy things that I would usually enjoy. I was in the nursery this morning at church and I found the babies annoying rather than delightful. And it was definitely not the children it was me. I don’t enjoy much of the time I spend with V. I feel like it is a chore. I used to absolutely adore my time with her. I don’t enjoy quality time with Nate, social activities, or doing fun things. I feel like all that I enjoy is sleep and eating sugary foods. I feel like I am up tight all the time. I want to relax, go with the flow and enjoy my life. Why can’t I make this depression go away? What is wrong with me?
I know that depression is an illness. But I am taking medication, going to counseling, and I have even done several ECT treatments. So what is the deal? Why am I not better?
I am grateful for…
133. The birds singing today.
134. Playing hide and seek with V.
135. The yummy lunch I had at Cheddars restaurant.
136. A restful rejuvenating nap this afternoon.
137. A fabulous mom who I love very much.
138. A terrific step-mom who is a blessing to us all.
139. A great mother in-law and step mother in-law.
140. A kind and loving grandma in-law and step grandma.
141. So many family members who do a great job loving my daughter.
142. A loving church family.
143. My fabulous husband.
144. My adorable daughter.
I don’t have the energy to do my Get Out Of The Pit journal today.
Saturday, May 8, 2010
So Stressed
Today has been such a hard day. I feel so overwhelmed and stressed. There really isn’t anything very stressful going on; I just can’t seem to handle anything. I feel so unstable and fragile. My poor husband has no idea what to say or do. I haven’t been thinking negative thoughts or even worrying about things I am just so overwhelmed by everything. Simple things like picking out clothes and deciding what to eat has been stressful for me today. I feel like I am falling apart. I just want to feel stable.
Grateful List
128. I received lovely Mothers Day presents.
129. We have a new printer!
130. I got to see an old friend today.
131. My man gives great hugs!
132. V and I went to a friend’s birthday party this morning.
Grateful List
128. I received lovely Mothers Day presents.
129. We have a new printer!
130. I got to see an old friend today.
131. My man gives great hugs!
132. V and I went to a friend’s birthday party this morning.
Friday, May 7, 2010
Plans To Prosper
Jeremiah 29:11-14 states “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you, declares the LORD, and will bring you back from captivity.
I found this Scripture very comforting this morning. God does have a plan for me and my life. Somehow depression fits into it. I believe that God will use my struggle with depression to bless someone else. I also like how God promises to listen to me. Most of all I like that He promises that if I seek Him with all my heart that I will find Him and He will rescue me from captivity. Depression has held me captive for far too long!
Happy/Grateful List continued
117. My house is delightfully clean
118. My wonderful mommy friends helped me clean on Tuesday. Thank you ladies!!!!!
119. I received two Mothers Day cards today.
120. We are going to BBQ on Saturday.
121. Today is Thursday so that means it is almost the weekend!
122. We get to celebrate Mothers Day with my mom.
123. V looks adorable today.
124. We had a delicious dinner at the Baja Grill tonight.
125. I found the perfect birthday present for Vienna today.
126. My fabulous friend found out that she and her family are going to close on the house she has wanted for many months on Tuesday. PTL!!!
127. My daughter loves to give BIG hugs and kisses and I love receiving them!
This morning was very difficult for me. V wanted to stay home with me. She cried and cried. It broke my heart. If I was healthy she could stay home. But I am not healthy yet. I wish I was. I just wanted to scoop her up into my arms and hold her all day long. I hate mornings like today. I don’t have anything against childcare. I just miss my daughter and I want her to be home with me.
I have not kept up with my GET OUT OF THAT PIT journal. Time seems to be flying by. I have had a terrible headache for the past two days which has made it very hard to be productive.
GET OUT OF THAT PIT
A 40-DAY DEVOTIONAL JOURNAL
DAY 3; A New Home
REFLECTION QUESTION; The amusing illustration of a person driving an RV into the living room of her new home makes and important point. What is it?
We can move into a new home, take a new job or even enter a new relationship but if we do not change our heart we will still have the same old pit with us. I think that sometimes we think if our circumstances will change so will our level of contentment. But that is not always the case. We can be just as miserable in our new job as we were in the old one if we do not change our attitude.
“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone and the new has come!”—2 Corinthians 5:17
PERSONAL APPLICATION; Some of us recognize our pits not by the degree of our badness but the by the degree of our boredom. Reflect on the degree of boredom in your own life and whether or not it’s an indication that you may be in a pit.
I don’t really feel bored in my life but I am also not allowing myself to be challenged. I am scared of taking on too much. I am afraid of committing to do something and then having to quit because I do not have the energy to keep up with it. I miss serving others. I used to work with the youth at my church in Fort Wayne and I loved it. I miss doing that. I feel like much of my life is self-centered and I would like to be less self focused. God created us to give, reach out and serve others. I need to find a way to serve without taking on too much.
REACHING UP
Lord Jesus, I do not want to be a self-centered person. I know that I need to take care of myself right now in order to get healthy but still want to be a blessing to others. Lord please strengthen me. Please heal me. Please heal my hurting heart and my broken spirit. I need you Lord. Your word says that your power is made perfect in weakness. Well I am feeling pretty weak. Lord help me in my weakness. Thank you Lord for hearing my prayers.
I found this Scripture very comforting this morning. God does have a plan for me and my life. Somehow depression fits into it. I believe that God will use my struggle with depression to bless someone else. I also like how God promises to listen to me. Most of all I like that He promises that if I seek Him with all my heart that I will find Him and He will rescue me from captivity. Depression has held me captive for far too long!
Happy/Grateful List continued
117. My house is delightfully clean
118. My wonderful mommy friends helped me clean on Tuesday. Thank you ladies!!!!!
119. I received two Mothers Day cards today.
120. We are going to BBQ on Saturday.
121. Today is Thursday so that means it is almost the weekend!
122. We get to celebrate Mothers Day with my mom.
123. V looks adorable today.
124. We had a delicious dinner at the Baja Grill tonight.
125. I found the perfect birthday present for Vienna today.
126. My fabulous friend found out that she and her family are going to close on the house she has wanted for many months on Tuesday. PTL!!!
127. My daughter loves to give BIG hugs and kisses and I love receiving them!
This morning was very difficult for me. V wanted to stay home with me. She cried and cried. It broke my heart. If I was healthy she could stay home. But I am not healthy yet. I wish I was. I just wanted to scoop her up into my arms and hold her all day long. I hate mornings like today. I don’t have anything against childcare. I just miss my daughter and I want her to be home with me.
I have not kept up with my GET OUT OF THAT PIT journal. Time seems to be flying by. I have had a terrible headache for the past two days which has made it very hard to be productive.
GET OUT OF THAT PIT
A 40-DAY DEVOTIONAL JOURNAL
DAY 3; A New Home
REFLECTION QUESTION; The amusing illustration of a person driving an RV into the living room of her new home makes and important point. What is it?
We can move into a new home, take a new job or even enter a new relationship but if we do not change our heart we will still have the same old pit with us. I think that sometimes we think if our circumstances will change so will our level of contentment. But that is not always the case. We can be just as miserable in our new job as we were in the old one if we do not change our attitude.
“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone and the new has come!”—2 Corinthians 5:17
PERSONAL APPLICATION; Some of us recognize our pits not by the degree of our badness but the by the degree of our boredom. Reflect on the degree of boredom in your own life and whether or not it’s an indication that you may be in a pit.
I don’t really feel bored in my life but I am also not allowing myself to be challenged. I am scared of taking on too much. I am afraid of committing to do something and then having to quit because I do not have the energy to keep up with it. I miss serving others. I used to work with the youth at my church in Fort Wayne and I loved it. I miss doing that. I feel like much of my life is self-centered and I would like to be less self focused. God created us to give, reach out and serve others. I need to find a way to serve without taking on too much.
REACHING UP
Lord Jesus, I do not want to be a self-centered person. I know that I need to take care of myself right now in order to get healthy but still want to be a blessing to others. Lord please strengthen me. Please heal me. Please heal my hurting heart and my broken spirit. I need you Lord. Your word says that your power is made perfect in weakness. Well I am feeling pretty weak. Lord help me in my weakness. Thank you Lord for hearing my prayers.
Monday, May 3, 2010
My Messy House
Happy/Grateful List continued
106. I got to cuddle my daughter, dog and hubby a lot this weekend.
107. My man takes such good care of me.
108. Nate and I were able to get a lot of “stuff” picked up around the house.
109. I got some great deals on clothes and shoes for V at a Mom 2 Mom sale.
110. My wonderful friend Rebecca watched V on Saturday evening so that Nate and I could go on a date. We ate Tai food and saw the funny movie, “Date Night”.
111. V and I had a great time at the park on Friday.
112. V did well using the potty today!
113. My mom’s husband Tom is going to help us out with V tomorrow.
114. My mom’s cousin’s husband Bob (who is like my Uncle) is going to pick me up from the hospital tomorrow. It is great to have such helpful and supportive family.
115. Today was really challenging but I made it through.
116. I got to watch a feel good movie with Nate while I snuggled on the couch with Jenny-Dog.
Today was very challenging. I was feeling defeated after being awake for only one hour. It feels like I have been overwhelmed since the moment I woke up today. I was having trouble handling simple mommy duties at the very start of the day. We had planned on cleaning today and simply thinking of everything we had to do was giving me great anxiety.
I have some wonderful supportive friends coming over to help clean on Tuesday but that means we need to get our house picked up. So….we needed to work hard today on putting things away. I was very tired after a night of not sleeping well. I was also extremely stressed out about having people come over to my very messy house. We had stuff everywhere. My depression had taken over our home. We just have not had any extra energy to keep things picked up. In fact because I have felt lousy I have been extra lazy about putting things away. Nate has been using all of his energy taking care of V and me.
I was panicking about the house and the fact that I HAD to get it picked up. I felt sick to my stomach about the whole thing. I knew Nate was frustrated that people were coming over and that we HAD to get the place picked up. We both just really wanted to relax and recuperate emotionally today. I was going to cancel but when I got online to email the friends I saw that they had all been chattering about coming to clean. They hired babysitters and were excited to serve me. I felt so silly. I just could not cancel knowing how much these women wanted to help me. And we REALLY need the help.
So I prayed. I begged God to give me emotional, mental and physical strength. I begged Him to help get me moving and to take away my pain so I could work. I begged Him to help me push through the depression. And God was faithful. Thank you Lord for your help. I really needed you and you were there for me. Thank you.
We got much of the house picked up. There is still a lot more to do but today’s efforts were successful. Tomorrow after ECT I have a couple more hours of picking up to do and then the house will be ready to be cleaned. Yes we have not even begun the cleaning process. We have simply put away much of the “stuff”. Actually much of it is not put away rather it has been taken down to our overflowing basement. But at least the upstairs is no longer overflowing with “stuff”. I am quite embarrassed about our basement but there is no way we can get that picked up before Tuesday.
I hate that I cannot keep my house picked up. I feel like I fall so very short. I am not naturally and organized person. Keeping things in order is very challenging for me. Fibromyalgia greatly limits my energy. Depression makes everything hard. So keeping my house cleaned and organized is extremely hard for me. Even when I am feeling motivated and am not depressed I still get very sore doing most household tasks. I am tired most of the time. But I need to do better. I need to do a better job keeping our house clean. I worry that V gets sick due to the messy house. I like being social but I never feel I can have people over because of the mess. I am always embarrassed of our house. And it is tiring being embarrassed all the time.
I need to continue letting people help me. Hopefully with some help from friends who are good at organizing we can get the house under control. I need help with this huge task. However I am hoping that once it picked up, organized and cleaned really well that I can keep it that way. I asked my mom to help me tackle the basement when she retires. I hope she can help me. I really need the help.
Thank you Lord for giving me energy to get work done today. Thank you for being my strength when I had no strength. Thank you for blessing me with friends who want to help me. Thank you for blessing me with a supportive family that wants to help me in any way that they can. Thank you for blessing me with an extremely patient and loving husband. It is really hard for me to need so much help from other people but I am thankful that I have good people to help me.
106. I got to cuddle my daughter, dog and hubby a lot this weekend.
107. My man takes such good care of me.
108. Nate and I were able to get a lot of “stuff” picked up around the house.
109. I got some great deals on clothes and shoes for V at a Mom 2 Mom sale.
110. My wonderful friend Rebecca watched V on Saturday evening so that Nate and I could go on a date. We ate Tai food and saw the funny movie, “Date Night”.
111. V and I had a great time at the park on Friday.
112. V did well using the potty today!
113. My mom’s husband Tom is going to help us out with V tomorrow.
114. My mom’s cousin’s husband Bob (who is like my Uncle) is going to pick me up from the hospital tomorrow. It is great to have such helpful and supportive family.
115. Today was really challenging but I made it through.
116. I got to watch a feel good movie with Nate while I snuggled on the couch with Jenny-Dog.
Today was very challenging. I was feeling defeated after being awake for only one hour. It feels like I have been overwhelmed since the moment I woke up today. I was having trouble handling simple mommy duties at the very start of the day. We had planned on cleaning today and simply thinking of everything we had to do was giving me great anxiety.
I have some wonderful supportive friends coming over to help clean on Tuesday but that means we need to get our house picked up. So….we needed to work hard today on putting things away. I was very tired after a night of not sleeping well. I was also extremely stressed out about having people come over to my very messy house. We had stuff everywhere. My depression had taken over our home. We just have not had any extra energy to keep things picked up. In fact because I have felt lousy I have been extra lazy about putting things away. Nate has been using all of his energy taking care of V and me.
I was panicking about the house and the fact that I HAD to get it picked up. I felt sick to my stomach about the whole thing. I knew Nate was frustrated that people were coming over and that we HAD to get the place picked up. We both just really wanted to relax and recuperate emotionally today. I was going to cancel but when I got online to email the friends I saw that they had all been chattering about coming to clean. They hired babysitters and were excited to serve me. I felt so silly. I just could not cancel knowing how much these women wanted to help me. And we REALLY need the help.
So I prayed. I begged God to give me emotional, mental and physical strength. I begged Him to help get me moving and to take away my pain so I could work. I begged Him to help me push through the depression. And God was faithful. Thank you Lord for your help. I really needed you and you were there for me. Thank you.
We got much of the house picked up. There is still a lot more to do but today’s efforts were successful. Tomorrow after ECT I have a couple more hours of picking up to do and then the house will be ready to be cleaned. Yes we have not even begun the cleaning process. We have simply put away much of the “stuff”. Actually much of it is not put away rather it has been taken down to our overflowing basement. But at least the upstairs is no longer overflowing with “stuff”. I am quite embarrassed about our basement but there is no way we can get that picked up before Tuesday.
I hate that I cannot keep my house picked up. I feel like I fall so very short. I am not naturally and organized person. Keeping things in order is very challenging for me. Fibromyalgia greatly limits my energy. Depression makes everything hard. So keeping my house cleaned and organized is extremely hard for me. Even when I am feeling motivated and am not depressed I still get very sore doing most household tasks. I am tired most of the time. But I need to do better. I need to do a better job keeping our house clean. I worry that V gets sick due to the messy house. I like being social but I never feel I can have people over because of the mess. I am always embarrassed of our house. And it is tiring being embarrassed all the time.
I need to continue letting people help me. Hopefully with some help from friends who are good at organizing we can get the house under control. I need help with this huge task. However I am hoping that once it picked up, organized and cleaned really well that I can keep it that way. I asked my mom to help me tackle the basement when she retires. I hope she can help me. I really need the help.
Thank you Lord for giving me energy to get work done today. Thank you for being my strength when I had no strength. Thank you for blessing me with friends who want to help me. Thank you for blessing me with a supportive family that wants to help me in any way that they can. Thank you for blessing me with an extremely patient and loving husband. It is really hard for me to need so much help from other people but I am thankful that I have good people to help me.
Saturday, May 1, 2010
Wanting God's Best
GET OUT OF THAT PIT
A 40 – DAY DEVOTIONAL JOURNAL
DAY 2; Bondage Blended In
“No matter where we go, a pit can always fit. The scenery around us may have changed, but we’re still living in that same old pit. The problem is the pit can be so close we can’t see it.”
--Beth Moore (page 9 of Get Out Of That Pit Journal)
REFLECTION QUESTION; For some people a pit can be so close they can’t see it. Why is this true?
I think that sometimes we do not see the pit because we are so used to not living life to the fullest. Many people have lived most of their lives in one pit or another. We settle for things just being okay. It takes energy and motivation to live life to the fullest. I think sometimes we are lazy or too tired to see out God’s best for us.
PERSONAL APPLICATION; Have you ever been—or are you now—a “mobile pit-dweller”? If so, what was/is the nature of your mobile pit, and where did/do you take it?
Beth tells a story in the book about a person who has been living in a mobile home for years. Then they finally save up the money for a house. On the moving day the person drives the mobile home right into the living room of the new house and gets comfortable. We can take the pit with us to new jobs, new homes and new relationships. I have dragged depression all over the place. I started at home then took it to college and then took it overseas with me. I then took it to the next college, into my marriage and so on. Being in a pit is dark and lonely. It is hard to see out and to have a clear vision of the future. Depression is the same, dark, lonely, and difficult to see through.
REACHING UP
Lord Jesus I am ready for your vision for my life. I don’t want to be so stuck in depression that I am unable to see past it. Please help me continue to heal and to move forward. I need your help Lord. I need you to guide me, strengthen me, and fill me with your power. Please help me make permanent changes in my life. Changes that will help me live my life to the fullest. Changes that will glorify you and bless the people around me. Depression in its very nature is extremely selfish. I do not want to be a selfish person with selfish desires. I want to be a servant. I want to love, encourage and uplift the people around me.
“It is for freedom that Christ has set us free.” Galatians 5:1A
Lord please help me live a liberated life free from depression!
Happy/Grateful List continued
100. After the cashier at Target would not let me purchase a $.50 gift card for V to play with a random man
made her day by purchasing a gift card. He used the card for his purchase and then gave the empty
card toV so she could use it as a pretend credit card.
101. We had a wonderful evening out as a family. We ate dinner outside at Noodles
and Company.
102. V and I read books together tonight for an hour.
103. V and I played at the park in the beautiful sunshine we had today.
104. The dishes are done:)
105. We get to sleep with the windows open tonight. I love warm weather!
A 40 – DAY DEVOTIONAL JOURNAL
DAY 2; Bondage Blended In
“No matter where we go, a pit can always fit. The scenery around us may have changed, but we’re still living in that same old pit. The problem is the pit can be so close we can’t see it.”
--Beth Moore (page 9 of Get Out Of That Pit Journal)
REFLECTION QUESTION; For some people a pit can be so close they can’t see it. Why is this true?
I think that sometimes we do not see the pit because we are so used to not living life to the fullest. Many people have lived most of their lives in one pit or another. We settle for things just being okay. It takes energy and motivation to live life to the fullest. I think sometimes we are lazy or too tired to see out God’s best for us.
PERSONAL APPLICATION; Have you ever been—or are you now—a “mobile pit-dweller”? If so, what was/is the nature of your mobile pit, and where did/do you take it?
Beth tells a story in the book about a person who has been living in a mobile home for years. Then they finally save up the money for a house. On the moving day the person drives the mobile home right into the living room of the new house and gets comfortable. We can take the pit with us to new jobs, new homes and new relationships. I have dragged depression all over the place. I started at home then took it to college and then took it overseas with me. I then took it to the next college, into my marriage and so on. Being in a pit is dark and lonely. It is hard to see out and to have a clear vision of the future. Depression is the same, dark, lonely, and difficult to see through.
REACHING UP
Lord Jesus I am ready for your vision for my life. I don’t want to be so stuck in depression that I am unable to see past it. Please help me continue to heal and to move forward. I need your help Lord. I need you to guide me, strengthen me, and fill me with your power. Please help me make permanent changes in my life. Changes that will help me live my life to the fullest. Changes that will glorify you and bless the people around me. Depression in its very nature is extremely selfish. I do not want to be a selfish person with selfish desires. I want to be a servant. I want to love, encourage and uplift the people around me.
“It is for freedom that Christ has set us free.” Galatians 5:1A
Lord please help me live a liberated life free from depression!
Happy/Grateful List continued
100. After the cashier at Target would not let me purchase a $.50 gift card for V to play with a random man
made her day by purchasing a gift card. He used the card for his purchase and then gave the empty
card toV so she could use it as a pretend credit card.
101. We had a wonderful evening out as a family. We ate dinner outside at Noodles
and Company.
102. V and I read books together tonight for an hour.
103. V and I played at the park in the beautiful sunshine we had today.
104. The dishes are done:)
105. We get to sleep with the windows open tonight. I love warm weather!
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