I am having trouble falling asleep so I figured I would write on my blog. As I lay in bed trying to tame my thoughts enough to fall asleep I thought about how I wanted to write about my limitations. I made a very difficult decision about 2 weeks ago. My husband suggested that I do this particular thing months ago but I could not bring myself to do it. I have applied for disability. Yikes! That makes me feel like I am giving up, like I am lazy and not willing to do the work to get better. I am certainly not giving up. I am just trying to be responsible, realistic and do what is best for my family.
I have struggled with depression for about 17 years. I have been on medication for 14 years. Between depression and Fibromyalgia it took me 6 years to complete college. I had to take incompletes for more than one semester and go part time for two other semesters. My depression and Fibromyalgia also made it impossible for me to work during college. Whenever I tried to do “too much” my body would shut down. I would either get physically sick for a few weeks (or months) or I would spiral down into a deep period of depression. I simply cannot handle too much activity and too much stress.
After college I was so sick with Fibromyalgia and depression (more Fibromyalgia) that I could not even care for myself. I lost about 40 pounds because I simply did not have the energy to prepare food for myself much less go to the grocery store to buy it. I would spend almost all of my time in bed or on the couch. I was not being lazy. I was extremely sick. When I finally finished school (barely and not with the kind of grades I could have gotten) I had to move home. I HAD to move in with my mom because I could not take care of myself. I barely had the energy to make it to my doctor’s appointments much less tend to the responsibilities of renting my own place. And working….well working was out of the question.
The whole first year I was married to Nate I was extremely sick. I was in bed all the time. He would leave for work with me in bed and come home from work to me in bed. I felt so useless. I hated my body. I applied for disability during this time. I was denied. I had not worked enough hours to be eligible for the regular disability and they did not think I was sick enough for the special disability. Pardon me for not knowing the technical names for the types of disability.
It was a horrible experience for me. I felt degraded by the lady who was processing my case. I let her make me feel like I was lazy. She was not helpful to me at all. In fact I felt like she was working against me. After I was denied I was so worn out from the process and I felt so defeated personally that I did not try to appeal the denial of my claim.
Now here we are 8 years later. I not only still have Fibromyalgia but my depression has been debilitating for over a year now. I have not been able to care for my daughter. I have had to put her in child care and ask friends and family members to watch her. I have had trouble with simple daily tasks like showering and making phone calls. I went into an in-patient psychiatric hospital program. I have had my brain shocked (ECT) on twelve separate occasions. I see a therapist, psychiatrist and rheumatologist on a regular basis. I also exercise, journal, pray, medicate and do many other things to try to keep my depression under control. I am not able to function like a normal human being. I am not giving up but I need to face reality. If I am not healthy enough to take care of Vienna than we need to find some money to put her in daycare at least part-time. Our medical bills are out of control. We spend a great deal of Nate’s income on my medical expenses. I hate that and I feel very guilty about it. I try not to feel guilty but sometimes I do.
I cannot seem to handle any type of stress. My reactions to normal stressors are not normal. My brain chemistry is so messed up that I feel like I am going crazy half of the time. I am irrational and I HATE it! I do deep breathing exercises, pray, recite Scripture and take anti-anxiety medication and I still have anxiety attacks at times. My depression and anxiety on most days is debilitating. If everything in life goes well (which never happens, life is full of challenges) than I have an ok day. But if my daughter is fussy all day (as many 3 year olds are) I want to bang my head against the wall. I have to hide in the bathroom and cry or do relaxation breathing so that I am able to react to her in a kind and patient manner. Now, I do realize that many parents feel the same way at times but most do not feel that way every day. I cry every single day. I have been crying every day for a few months now. That is not normal and I need some help.
So… I have gone to a lawyer to help me apply for disability. I desperately need some help. I don’t want money to buy myself more pretty things, I simply need financial help with the plethora of medical bills that we have and for child-care for my daughter. I need some help. I am embarrassed to ask. I have put off applying out of shame. But it is time for me to face this head on and to be brave. It is time to put my family’s wellbeing over my own pride. It is time to accept that this depression and anxiety is a SERIOUS problem and I need more help than I am getting right now. I am in no way going to give up on trying to get healthy. I just NEED to take this step (as difficult as it is) to get help for myself and my family.
Monday, August 30, 2010
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Yes I Can
Sunday 8-29-10
Well I made it through another day. Praise God! Nate just pointed out that I only cried two times today compared to the nine or so yesterday. I’d say that is improvement. I definitely feel better on the depression front. I don’t feel quite so crazy and ready to fall apart at any moment. Ahh, it feels good to feel a bit more balanced.
I have been driving myself a little bit nuts over a decision that I needed to make. For a couple of weeks now I have been considering entering a partial-hospitalization (day program) program to hopefully help me through my depression. Last week would have been perfect because Nate and V were out of town so I did not need to worry about child care but….I was way too exhausted. I needed to just rest. Plus I was crying all the time. I was not sure that I would be able to glean all the information that I would be taught in regards to coping with depression. So I decided to go this week (Monday) tomorrow. Then Wednesday night I fell down the stairs and sprained my ankle and messed up my foot. Now between the pain of the ankle/foot and the increased fibromyalgia pain from hobbling around on crutches I do not feel able to give the program my full attention once again. I was feeling like I needed to just suck it up and do it. But the truth is pain is very distracting. I have a terrible time concentrating when I am in pain. I am already having trouble concentrating and making decisions due to the depression. So I am not going to start tomorrow. Phew…I actually made a decision.
First thing tomorrow morning I get to call around to my doctor, insurance and the medical supply stores to try to get me something other than crutches for me to move about with. The crutches puts most of my weight on my right leg which has been causing extreme shin pain as well as foot, back and hip pain. Once I get the pain under control I will start the program.
I am so glad that I am feeling better than yesterday. I was feeling so horrible yesterday that I was ready to have Nate take me to the hospital to be admitted into the in-patient psychiatric program. Yes I was that depressed. I told myself that if I felt today the way I felt yesterday that I was going to make myself go. Thankfully I feel better today.
I did not go to church today. I could not handle all the steps. I was sad that I could not go but it was also good to rest. I have not spent much time with God today or yesterday. I think I have been questioning why is this (my foot) happening now, why do I have one more challenge right now? I am extremely frustrated with the situation. It really stinks to have to ask Nate to bring me water, food, ice or whatever because I cannot carry it while on crutches.
I can do very little for my daughter. I sat in her room and just played with her on the floor for a while today. That did not last long because she wanted to go do other things. Plus she kept, hitting, kicking and even sitting on my bad foot. It was on accident of course. She just did not understand the concept of it being hurt and her needing to stay away from it.
As I lay in bed this morning (after my family left for church) I sort of prayed. Well I did pray. I said aloud;
“God I believe in you. I believe you are good and that you love me. I am your child. I am a child of the almighty king of kings, Lord of Lords and all powerful God. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.”
I then expressed my lack of understanding for the timing of my stinking foot problem. I think God told me to relax and rest in Him. Apparently He wants me to keep resting. I am not sure what that means. I am pretty worn out. I suppose by having a bum foot I have to lay and sit around. That is resting. I could be using some of that sitting time to read my Bible and pray but I have not really felt like it. I have felt frustrated and a bit bitter. But God understands that and loves me anyway. I think His message is to STOP worrying and trust Him that everything will be ok.
I have slept a lot the past few days. The new medicine I got on Thursday (Pamelor) makes me extremely tired. Nate has been home so I have let myself sleep. Plus when I am sleeping I am off my foot. I have two pillows to prop it up on in my bed so bed time also means foot elevation time.
My hubby has to go back to work tomorrow. I know that he is so tired and weary. I know that his heart it heavy from worrying about me, my depression and my new foot issue. I wish there was something I could do to make him worry less but I suppose I would worry the same way he is if the situation were reversed.
Our house is not nearly as clean or organized as we would like it to be. Both he and I feel guilty about that. However, I think that feeling guilty about it is not going to help us in any way. We need to use our energy to strategize how to make our lives work right now.
I am so thankful that my family and friends have been so willing to help us during this extremely trying time. We have friends willing to watch Vienna all day so that I can heal and go to the hospital program. My parents have even been willing to take her overnight.
I guess overall I am feeling pretty good today. Yay! I have a plan for tomorrow. I am going to find a way to make my foot problem less of a problem. Then after that I will ice my foot and ankle and then rest some more. After that I am going to figure out what my next step in my attack plan for depression will be. I have a busy day but I can do it. Yes I can!
Happy/Gratitude List
351. My hubby and daughter
352. My church family that is praying for me
353. My family and friends
354. I actually made a decision today
355. Urgent Care (It is much easier than going to the ER)
356. A really yummy dinner from Saywers Pancake House of chocolate chip pancakes (It brought back happy memories of Camp Newaygo)
357. I was able to sleep a lot this weekend
358. Cuddling with my hubby and daughter
359. V’s singing
360. Almost zero clouds today
361. Great honest heart-felt conversation with a good friend the other night
362. Insurance will cover the hospital program
363. The new Star Trek movie
364. We have the LOST series collection on its way in the mail
365. God’s never ending unstoppable always and forever love (as it is described in V’s Bible Storybook)
Well I made it through another day. Praise God! Nate just pointed out that I only cried two times today compared to the nine or so yesterday. I’d say that is improvement. I definitely feel better on the depression front. I don’t feel quite so crazy and ready to fall apart at any moment. Ahh, it feels good to feel a bit more balanced.
I have been driving myself a little bit nuts over a decision that I needed to make. For a couple of weeks now I have been considering entering a partial-hospitalization (day program) program to hopefully help me through my depression. Last week would have been perfect because Nate and V were out of town so I did not need to worry about child care but….I was way too exhausted. I needed to just rest. Plus I was crying all the time. I was not sure that I would be able to glean all the information that I would be taught in regards to coping with depression. So I decided to go this week (Monday) tomorrow. Then Wednesday night I fell down the stairs and sprained my ankle and messed up my foot. Now between the pain of the ankle/foot and the increased fibromyalgia pain from hobbling around on crutches I do not feel able to give the program my full attention once again. I was feeling like I needed to just suck it up and do it. But the truth is pain is very distracting. I have a terrible time concentrating when I am in pain. I am already having trouble concentrating and making decisions due to the depression. So I am not going to start tomorrow. Phew…I actually made a decision.
First thing tomorrow morning I get to call around to my doctor, insurance and the medical supply stores to try to get me something other than crutches for me to move about with. The crutches puts most of my weight on my right leg which has been causing extreme shin pain as well as foot, back and hip pain. Once I get the pain under control I will start the program.
I am so glad that I am feeling better than yesterday. I was feeling so horrible yesterday that I was ready to have Nate take me to the hospital to be admitted into the in-patient psychiatric program. Yes I was that depressed. I told myself that if I felt today the way I felt yesterday that I was going to make myself go. Thankfully I feel better today.
I did not go to church today. I could not handle all the steps. I was sad that I could not go but it was also good to rest. I have not spent much time with God today or yesterday. I think I have been questioning why is this (my foot) happening now, why do I have one more challenge right now? I am extremely frustrated with the situation. It really stinks to have to ask Nate to bring me water, food, ice or whatever because I cannot carry it while on crutches.
I can do very little for my daughter. I sat in her room and just played with her on the floor for a while today. That did not last long because she wanted to go do other things. Plus she kept, hitting, kicking and even sitting on my bad foot. It was on accident of course. She just did not understand the concept of it being hurt and her needing to stay away from it.
As I lay in bed this morning (after my family left for church) I sort of prayed. Well I did pray. I said aloud;
“God I believe in you. I believe you are good and that you love me. I am your child. I am a child of the almighty king of kings, Lord of Lords and all powerful God. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.”
I then expressed my lack of understanding for the timing of my stinking foot problem. I think God told me to relax and rest in Him. Apparently He wants me to keep resting. I am not sure what that means. I am pretty worn out. I suppose by having a bum foot I have to lay and sit around. That is resting. I could be using some of that sitting time to read my Bible and pray but I have not really felt like it. I have felt frustrated and a bit bitter. But God understands that and loves me anyway. I think His message is to STOP worrying and trust Him that everything will be ok.
I have slept a lot the past few days. The new medicine I got on Thursday (Pamelor) makes me extremely tired. Nate has been home so I have let myself sleep. Plus when I am sleeping I am off my foot. I have two pillows to prop it up on in my bed so bed time also means foot elevation time.
My hubby has to go back to work tomorrow. I know that he is so tired and weary. I know that his heart it heavy from worrying about me, my depression and my new foot issue. I wish there was something I could do to make him worry less but I suppose I would worry the same way he is if the situation were reversed.
Our house is not nearly as clean or organized as we would like it to be. Both he and I feel guilty about that. However, I think that feeling guilty about it is not going to help us in any way. We need to use our energy to strategize how to make our lives work right now.
I am so thankful that my family and friends have been so willing to help us during this extremely trying time. We have friends willing to watch Vienna all day so that I can heal and go to the hospital program. My parents have even been willing to take her overnight.
I guess overall I am feeling pretty good today. Yay! I have a plan for tomorrow. I am going to find a way to make my foot problem less of a problem. Then after that I will ice my foot and ankle and then rest some more. After that I am going to figure out what my next step in my attack plan for depression will be. I have a busy day but I can do it. Yes I can!
Happy/Gratitude List
351. My hubby and daughter
352. My church family that is praying for me
353. My family and friends
354. I actually made a decision today
355. Urgent Care (It is much easier than going to the ER)
356. A really yummy dinner from Saywers Pancake House of chocolate chip pancakes (It brought back happy memories of Camp Newaygo)
357. I was able to sleep a lot this weekend
358. Cuddling with my hubby and daughter
359. V’s singing
360. Almost zero clouds today
361. Great honest heart-felt conversation with a good friend the other night
362. Insurance will cover the hospital program
363. The new Star Trek movie
364. We have the LOST series collection on its way in the mail
365. God’s never ending unstoppable always and forever love (as it is described in V’s Bible Storybook)
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Feeling Down
8-27-10
Changing medications sucks. I started a new (old) medicine called Pamelor. I have felt considerably more depressed today. I am not sure if that is because of the new medicine or if it is because of my physical pain issues or if it is just because depression sucks. I will keep you posted.
8-28-10
I still feel crappy today. The new medicine is making me feel so very tired! My right shin is actually hurting more than my sprained ankle right now. I am feeling extremely down. We went to the medical supply store to get me one of the scooter things and they were all out of them. All the other medical supply stores were closed. I suppose I am going to be confined to my home where I can crawl around. I feel so silly. But the pain in my right foot, shin, calf and hip is very real. It feels like if I keep jumping around on it with the crutches that I may get a stress fracture. I am not trying to be pessimistic or a hypochondriac. I am just trying to be realistic with the limitations I know my body has. I want to be preventative. I can’t care for a 3 year old with two bad legs. I am feeling very defeated.
I am not sure if I can start the program for depression on Monday now. I need to get something other than crutches to get myself around. And that means I need to be in contact with my doctor (maybe see her to get a prescription for a scooter thing) and then go to the store to pick one up. The depression program is all day. I bet the psychologist in charge of the program is going to be so annoyed with me. I have already called him several times asking questions and have been really indecisive about starting the program. If I have to call and put it off again I am going to feel like a real tool.
I am feeling very depressed. I feel worthless and like a HUGE burden. I am crying all the time again. I hate my body which is not good. Hating in general is a waste of good energy but me hating my body is like hating myself. And no good can come out of that.
I am getting to the place where I feel apathetic. I just don’t care about anything anymore. Ok not true, I do care about my family but I feel like I have nothing positive to offer them right now. I feel like crap physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually.
V keeps singing “The joy of the Lord is my strength” and it makes me smile every time. Joy Lord, please help me obtain some joy and some hope too while you are at it.
Changing medications sucks. I started a new (old) medicine called Pamelor. I have felt considerably more depressed today. I am not sure if that is because of the new medicine or if it is because of my physical pain issues or if it is just because depression sucks. I will keep you posted.
8-28-10
I still feel crappy today. The new medicine is making me feel so very tired! My right shin is actually hurting more than my sprained ankle right now. I am feeling extremely down. We went to the medical supply store to get me one of the scooter things and they were all out of them. All the other medical supply stores were closed. I suppose I am going to be confined to my home where I can crawl around. I feel so silly. But the pain in my right foot, shin, calf and hip is very real. It feels like if I keep jumping around on it with the crutches that I may get a stress fracture. I am not trying to be pessimistic or a hypochondriac. I am just trying to be realistic with the limitations I know my body has. I want to be preventative. I can’t care for a 3 year old with two bad legs. I am feeling very defeated.
I am not sure if I can start the program for depression on Monday now. I need to get something other than crutches to get myself around. And that means I need to be in contact with my doctor (maybe see her to get a prescription for a scooter thing) and then go to the store to pick one up. The depression program is all day. I bet the psychologist in charge of the program is going to be so annoyed with me. I have already called him several times asking questions and have been really indecisive about starting the program. If I have to call and put it off again I am going to feel like a real tool.
I am feeling very depressed. I feel worthless and like a HUGE burden. I am crying all the time again. I hate my body which is not good. Hating in general is a waste of good energy but me hating my body is like hating myself. And no good can come out of that.
I am getting to the place where I feel apathetic. I just don’t care about anything anymore. Ok not true, I do care about my family but I feel like I have nothing positive to offer them right now. I feel like crap physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually.
V keeps singing “The joy of the Lord is my strength” and it makes me smile every time. Joy Lord, please help me obtain some joy and some hope too while you are at it.
Friday, August 27, 2010
A Time To Vent
This is going to be a negative entry. I need to vent my feelings so they do not fester inside of me. If you cannot handle me being negative then please don’t read this. These are thoughts and feelings that I am having today. Tomorrow will be different.
I feel like shit today. Yes shit. Where do I begin? My body sucks. I hate my body. I have stupid Fibromyalgia which means that I am sensitive to all kinds of pain and other issues. I sprained my left ankle which sucks but right now what is sucking more is the crutches. My stupid fibromyalgia body cannot handle all my weight (which is too much) bearing down on my right leg. I have searing pain shooting up my right leg whenever I use the crutches. It starts in my foot and then intensifies in my calf and shins. I already had shin splints because before this happened I had been trying to exercise more. I had only been walking and using the elliptical a little but since my body sucks so much I have gotten shin splints. Having shin splints from walking is so pathetic. And then there is the right hip and back pain I get from using the crutches. So every time I sit down to ice my ankle and foot I am also icing my right shin that feels like it is on fire. I hate my body today.
It is difficult to separate hating your body from hating yourself. I am on the border. I feel terribly guilty that I am so needy right now. My family has already been doing SO much for me while I have been depressed. Now I need Nate to bring me things, help me get around the house and completely take care of Vienna. I feel like such a burden. I am feeling like such a looser right now. Yes I know I am not a looser but that is how I feel.
I am still so emotionally unstable. I cannot handle the extra pain along with the emotional mental pain I am trying to work out. Physical pain takes up so much energy. When I have a bad fibromyalgia pain day I have to talk to myself all day telling myself, “You can do it Carly. You can get through today. You are strong enough to handle the pain. It won’t last forever. You can do this Carly.” Well I already have to convince myself that I can make it through the day with all the emotional and mental pain I have been experiencing from the depression and anxiety. I can’t handle more pain. I am not strong enough. God please give me strength.
Tonight as I walked on my crutches to the car (we were going to go to a park together as a family and I was going to sit and watch V and Nate play) I started crying and then yelping because the pain in my shins was so overwhelming. I tried to hold back the tears but the pain was so intense in my non-injured leg that I could not help it. But then if I try to walk on the sprained ankle/ banged up foot I topple over from the pain. Pain sucks. My body sucks. I hate my body today.
The bible says that God will not give us more than we can handle. Well I cannot handle any more God. I cannot handle all of this physical, emotional and mental pain. I was so close to checking myself into the hospital tonight. I feel like I am going to lose my mind. I feel like I am coming undone and I cannot handle ANYTHING. Praise the Lord Nate is home taking care of our precious daughter. And thank God that I have friends and family that are going to watch V next week while I go to the out-patient program for depression.
However, if we cannot get this physical pain under control then I am in trouble because I just can NOT handle all of it. Hopefully we can get a prescription from my Fibromyalgia doctor for one of those knee scooter things where I put the knee of my bad foot on the scooter and I push with my other leg. With one of those my weight will be bearing down on the scooter and not my right leg. Yes, I feel totally pathetic because I need one of those knee scooters for two weeks for my sprained foot but I CAN NOT do crutches. The pain is way too intense. I feel pathetic and like a looser. I am also painfully aware of how overweight I am.
I know that I am overweight every day but I don’t have to deal with the ramifications of it every day. I know that I need to lose weight. I am not stupid or blind. I feel like some people think that I don’t think the weight is a problem. I KNOW the weight is a problem.
Food had been my drug while I have been depressed. It is totally addictive for me. I could have chosen alcohol like many do to escape. But I really don’t like the taste, it increases my fibromyalgia pain and frankly, it is a depressant. It makes depression worse. Street drugs are scary. Smoking could have been my coping crutch but I hate how it smells and I hate how it makes me feel after I smoke. Plus my husband HATES smoking. We have enough challenges in our marriage I don’t need to add another. So I eat.
I eat when I am sad, when I am angry, bored, tired, stressed, anxious and at many other times. I like the feeling of being satisfied. I like that food tastes good and that for a little while I feel good as I am eating it. Unfortunately that “good” feeling only lasts for a while so I end up eating more. My eating is a real problem. I realize my eating habits need to change. But I can only do so much at a time. I am trying to get emotionally and mentally healthy. That is a full time job. Baby steps so they say…..I will get there eventually. Sooner than later would be nice but seriously I am doing the best that I can.
I feel like shit today. Yes shit. Where do I begin? My body sucks. I hate my body. I have stupid Fibromyalgia which means that I am sensitive to all kinds of pain and other issues. I sprained my left ankle which sucks but right now what is sucking more is the crutches. My stupid fibromyalgia body cannot handle all my weight (which is too much) bearing down on my right leg. I have searing pain shooting up my right leg whenever I use the crutches. It starts in my foot and then intensifies in my calf and shins. I already had shin splints because before this happened I had been trying to exercise more. I had only been walking and using the elliptical a little but since my body sucks so much I have gotten shin splints. Having shin splints from walking is so pathetic. And then there is the right hip and back pain I get from using the crutches. So every time I sit down to ice my ankle and foot I am also icing my right shin that feels like it is on fire. I hate my body today.
It is difficult to separate hating your body from hating yourself. I am on the border. I feel terribly guilty that I am so needy right now. My family has already been doing SO much for me while I have been depressed. Now I need Nate to bring me things, help me get around the house and completely take care of Vienna. I feel like such a burden. I am feeling like such a looser right now. Yes I know I am not a looser but that is how I feel.
I am still so emotionally unstable. I cannot handle the extra pain along with the emotional mental pain I am trying to work out. Physical pain takes up so much energy. When I have a bad fibromyalgia pain day I have to talk to myself all day telling myself, “You can do it Carly. You can get through today. You are strong enough to handle the pain. It won’t last forever. You can do this Carly.” Well I already have to convince myself that I can make it through the day with all the emotional and mental pain I have been experiencing from the depression and anxiety. I can’t handle more pain. I am not strong enough. God please give me strength.
Tonight as I walked on my crutches to the car (we were going to go to a park together as a family and I was going to sit and watch V and Nate play) I started crying and then yelping because the pain in my shins was so overwhelming. I tried to hold back the tears but the pain was so intense in my non-injured leg that I could not help it. But then if I try to walk on the sprained ankle/ banged up foot I topple over from the pain. Pain sucks. My body sucks. I hate my body today.
The bible says that God will not give us more than we can handle. Well I cannot handle any more God. I cannot handle all of this physical, emotional and mental pain. I was so close to checking myself into the hospital tonight. I feel like I am going to lose my mind. I feel like I am coming undone and I cannot handle ANYTHING. Praise the Lord Nate is home taking care of our precious daughter. And thank God that I have friends and family that are going to watch V next week while I go to the out-patient program for depression.
However, if we cannot get this physical pain under control then I am in trouble because I just can NOT handle all of it. Hopefully we can get a prescription from my Fibromyalgia doctor for one of those knee scooter things where I put the knee of my bad foot on the scooter and I push with my other leg. With one of those my weight will be bearing down on the scooter and not my right leg. Yes, I feel totally pathetic because I need one of those knee scooters for two weeks for my sprained foot but I CAN NOT do crutches. The pain is way too intense. I feel pathetic and like a looser. I am also painfully aware of how overweight I am.
I know that I am overweight every day but I don’t have to deal with the ramifications of it every day. I know that I need to lose weight. I am not stupid or blind. I feel like some people think that I don’t think the weight is a problem. I KNOW the weight is a problem.
Food had been my drug while I have been depressed. It is totally addictive for me. I could have chosen alcohol like many do to escape. But I really don’t like the taste, it increases my fibromyalgia pain and frankly, it is a depressant. It makes depression worse. Street drugs are scary. Smoking could have been my coping crutch but I hate how it smells and I hate how it makes me feel after I smoke. Plus my husband HATES smoking. We have enough challenges in our marriage I don’t need to add another. So I eat.
I eat when I am sad, when I am angry, bored, tired, stressed, anxious and at many other times. I like the feeling of being satisfied. I like that food tastes good and that for a little while I feel good as I am eating it. Unfortunately that “good” feeling only lasts for a while so I end up eating more. My eating is a real problem. I realize my eating habits need to change. But I can only do so much at a time. I am trying to get emotionally and mentally healthy. That is a full time job. Baby steps so they say…..I will get there eventually. Sooner than later would be nice but seriously I am doing the best that I can.
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Feels Like Home Again
I saw my psychiatrist today (Thursday). I took Nate and V with me. I wanted Nate to give my doc his perspective on how I am doing and on how he thinks certain medications have worked through the years. My memory has been very poor lately so I do not always remember how I did with the medications we have tried in the past. We are back to making a Carly cocktail so to speak. I take Wellbutrin and we have recently added Klonopin for anxiety. And now we are looking for something else to get the depression and anxiety back under control. Today he prescribed a low dose of Pamelor which is one of the very old tricyclic antidepressants. The goal is to eventually go off the Klonopin because it can be habit forming. That does not always happen but it can. Plus I would like to take as little medicine as possible while still getting the “no more depression” job done.
I saw my psychiatrist one week ago today. At that appointment I cried the entire half hour. Today I made it through with no tears. Yay that is improvement. Last Wednesday I saw my OBGYN and I cried through that entire appointment. She was so worried about me. I am happy to report that the constant crying has come to an end. I was beginning to wonder if I had any tears left and I was definitely dehydrated.
It is so nice to have my family home. My daughter is just delightful. She walked in the door yelling “Mommy, Mommy” and was wearing my favorite outfit of hers. It is a purple tie-dye dress with purple leggings and purple flats with a bow on them. So just looking at her makes me smile. Purple is my favorite color and I adore tie-dye. Yes I am almost 34 years old and I still love tie-dye. I have tie-dye shorts, a shirt and a hooded sweatshirt that I wear almost every day in the winter.
Back to my family, V has become so vocal and SO bossy. When I talked to Nate on the phone last night about whether I should go to urgent care for my foot V got on the phone and said “Mommy go to the doctor. I love you. Go to the doctor.” She is so adorable. She is very curious about my crutches and wants to know why I am hopping around. She also wants to help me in any way that she can. It is so sweet. If I need something she jumps up and offers to get it for me.
Having my hubby home just feels so good. It is like home was not quite home without him. I missed his hugs, smile, cuddles and so much more. I am so happy that I am feeling more emotionally stable so that I am not such a burden to him. Granted I now need a great deal of help due to my sprained ankle but at least it is something new.
I am surprised how much my foot hurts. Moving around is such a challenge. I am thankful that my man is home to fetch me water, food, books, and the TV clicker. I feel like I am being lazy and demanding but it really does hurt. I cannot imagine trying to hobble around on crutches and prepare a meal right now. I am hoping that I am much better by Monday.
I have a big day on Monday. I start the intensive out-patient (partial hospitalization) program at Sparrow (St. Lawrence campus) for my depression. I really don’t want my foot to interfere with the progress that I NEED to make in that program.
I am so ready to be done fighting this fight. Depression go away! I am tired of you and it is time for you to leave. And by the way…you are not welcome to come back either.
I saw my psychiatrist one week ago today. At that appointment I cried the entire half hour. Today I made it through with no tears. Yay that is improvement. Last Wednesday I saw my OBGYN and I cried through that entire appointment. She was so worried about me. I am happy to report that the constant crying has come to an end. I was beginning to wonder if I had any tears left and I was definitely dehydrated.
It is so nice to have my family home. My daughter is just delightful. She walked in the door yelling “Mommy, Mommy” and was wearing my favorite outfit of hers. It is a purple tie-dye dress with purple leggings and purple flats with a bow on them. So just looking at her makes me smile. Purple is my favorite color and I adore tie-dye. Yes I am almost 34 years old and I still love tie-dye. I have tie-dye shorts, a shirt and a hooded sweatshirt that I wear almost every day in the winter.
Back to my family, V has become so vocal and SO bossy. When I talked to Nate on the phone last night about whether I should go to urgent care for my foot V got on the phone and said “Mommy go to the doctor. I love you. Go to the doctor.” She is so adorable. She is very curious about my crutches and wants to know why I am hopping around. She also wants to help me in any way that she can. It is so sweet. If I need something she jumps up and offers to get it for me.
Having my hubby home just feels so good. It is like home was not quite home without him. I missed his hugs, smile, cuddles and so much more. I am so happy that I am feeling more emotionally stable so that I am not such a burden to him. Granted I now need a great deal of help due to my sprained ankle but at least it is something new.
I am surprised how much my foot hurts. Moving around is such a challenge. I am thankful that my man is home to fetch me water, food, books, and the TV clicker. I feel like I am being lazy and demanding but it really does hurt. I cannot imagine trying to hobble around on crutches and prepare a meal right now. I am hoping that I am much better by Monday.
I have a big day on Monday. I start the intensive out-patient (partial hospitalization) program at Sparrow (St. Lawrence campus) for my depression. I really don’t want my foot to interfere with the progress that I NEED to make in that program.
I am so ready to be done fighting this fight. Depression go away! I am tired of you and it is time for you to leave. And by the way…you are not welcome to come back either.
A Time For Rest
I sprained my ankle last night. The top of my foot is also extremely bruised. I have always been clumsy and clumsy and trying to get things done in a hurry doesn’t mix well. I feel down the stairs. So as you have noticed I have been posting several of the blog entries that I have written but not taken the time to edit and post. I am stuck sitting and resting.
I think God has such a good sense of humor. After having so many terrible days I really felt like God was telling me to just rest in Him yesterday and to simply rest in general. Jesus said; “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.”--Matthew 11:28
I woke up at 9:00 am yesterday after a long sleepless night and decided that I needed to cancel the plans I had. I called the wonderful couple who was going to pray for me and counsel me and shared with them my feelings of sheer exhaustion. They agreed that I should just rest. So I ate and then went back to bed. While I laid in bed I imagined Jesus holding me and offering me His strength while I rested in His arms. I claimed his promises (that are found in the Bible). I claimed the promises of God giving me strength, courage, rest, hope, and a purposeful future. I feel asleep listening to praise music and slept so fabulously until 1:00 pm. I woke up refreshed and ready to take on the day. I have been feeling much less depressed since then.
I spent some time reading my Bible and praying (not much) and then started running around trying to get the house picked up before my family got home. I am going to start a partial-hospitalization (it is out-patient so I sleep at home) program for depression on Monday. Although yesterday I thought I was going to start today. I wanted to get a ton of stuff done before I started the extremely emotionally taxing and energy draining program. The program is for 7 hours day for at least 5 days. Well…I was running down the stairs and I missed a stair or two and fell right on my foot. Luckily my Dad and step-mom had just left my house and I had my cell phone in my pocket. After I finished screaming from the pain I called them and they were able to be back to help me within minutes.
As I sat with my foot elevated with ice on it I laughed to myself about God’s sense of humor. He had told me to rest and did I listen? No. I am not saying God caused the fall I just think it is funny how now I have no choice but to slow down, rest and sit with my foot elevated. I should have lots of time for reading my Bible, catching up on my blog, watching movies, and sleeping.
I do not have the hang of crutches yet. My dog woke me up at 5 am to use the bathroom (she actually just wanted to hunt in the backyard which was extremely frustrating). In my clumsy sleepy state I toppled over. Ouch. At that point (5:30 am) I called Nate and told him I needed him to come home and help me. Being the wonderful husband that he is he said "ok" and will be home any minute now.
I thought I would be ok by myself but my foot really hurts and having someone around to help will be a good thing.
Changing the subject to something happy, today is my friend Meg’s birthday. She is such a blessing to me. I am so thankful that God gave her to me as a friend. We have been friends for 20 years now. Wow! Thanks Meden Bean for being you. I love you so much and I cherish our friendship.
And another happy note…I am not feeling terribly depressed or anxious. I actually feel stable! Yay! Hip-hip-huray. I am so thankful for the rest I received yesterday. I am so thankful for God’s never ending, unstoppable, forever and always love. Thank you God for a new day and for the joy of today.
I think God has such a good sense of humor. After having so many terrible days I really felt like God was telling me to just rest in Him yesterday and to simply rest in general. Jesus said; “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.”--Matthew 11:28
I woke up at 9:00 am yesterday after a long sleepless night and decided that I needed to cancel the plans I had. I called the wonderful couple who was going to pray for me and counsel me and shared with them my feelings of sheer exhaustion. They agreed that I should just rest. So I ate and then went back to bed. While I laid in bed I imagined Jesus holding me and offering me His strength while I rested in His arms. I claimed his promises (that are found in the Bible). I claimed the promises of God giving me strength, courage, rest, hope, and a purposeful future. I feel asleep listening to praise music and slept so fabulously until 1:00 pm. I woke up refreshed and ready to take on the day. I have been feeling much less depressed since then.
I spent some time reading my Bible and praying (not much) and then started running around trying to get the house picked up before my family got home. I am going to start a partial-hospitalization (it is out-patient so I sleep at home) program for depression on Monday. Although yesterday I thought I was going to start today. I wanted to get a ton of stuff done before I started the extremely emotionally taxing and energy draining program. The program is for 7 hours day for at least 5 days. Well…I was running down the stairs and I missed a stair or two and fell right on my foot. Luckily my Dad and step-mom had just left my house and I had my cell phone in my pocket. After I finished screaming from the pain I called them and they were able to be back to help me within minutes.
As I sat with my foot elevated with ice on it I laughed to myself about God’s sense of humor. He had told me to rest and did I listen? No. I am not saying God caused the fall I just think it is funny how now I have no choice but to slow down, rest and sit with my foot elevated. I should have lots of time for reading my Bible, catching up on my blog, watching movies, and sleeping.
I do not have the hang of crutches yet. My dog woke me up at 5 am to use the bathroom (she actually just wanted to hunt in the backyard which was extremely frustrating). In my clumsy sleepy state I toppled over. Ouch. At that point (5:30 am) I called Nate and told him I needed him to come home and help me. Being the wonderful husband that he is he said "ok" and will be home any minute now.
I thought I would be ok by myself but my foot really hurts and having someone around to help will be a good thing.
Changing the subject to something happy, today is my friend Meg’s birthday. She is such a blessing to me. I am so thankful that God gave her to me as a friend. We have been friends for 20 years now. Wow! Thanks Meden Bean for being you. I love you so much and I cherish our friendship.
And another happy note…I am not feeling terribly depressed or anxious. I actually feel stable! Yay! Hip-hip-huray. I am so thankful for the rest I received yesterday. I am so thankful for God’s never ending, unstoppable, forever and always love. Thank you God for a new day and for the joy of today.
Tears
Written 8-24-10
I feel terrible. I hurt physically, mentally and emotionally. I heart aches, it feels heavy and tight like someone is standing on it. I have been crying almost all the time. I had a slight break on Saturday but otherwise since Wednesday I have been crying pretty much non-stop. The tears just keep flowing. My poor dog is scared of me or worried or something. Last night when I was sobbing she went downstairs in the dark and went into her crate. Usually she wants to be on our bed with us! In fact she is always on our bed. I suppose she feels safe in her crate. Poor Jenny-Dog.
I am extremely tired. My body is tired because I have been having a terrible time sleeping. My mind is tired from me trying to figure out what is wrong with me, what I need to do to make it better, and trying to figure out all the details and responsibilities of life. My head hurts. My heart and emotions are tired. I don’t know how I still have more tears. This emotional pain is searing. I feel like a hot poker from the fire is being jabbed into my heart. It hurts. And that poker for whatever reason is not going away. I am spiritually tired. God is good. He is with me. He is powerful. But I really want him to heal me. It is time Lord. I am ready for my miraculous healing. (No I am not going to go off my medicine or stop doing the work I need to do to get healthy; I am just ready for my miracle)
And if anyone reading this is thinking that I am not willing to do the work that I need to do to help myself get ready then don’t bother reading this blog anymore. I have been working so freaking hard and I am tired of feeling like I have to justify myself to people who think I am not doing enough to get through this depression. I could list everything that I am doing but I have done that already and I am tired. And frankly, I am really ANGRY at all the people who think I am weak, not trying hard enough, or depending on others to fix it for me.
I feel terrible. I hurt physically, mentally and emotionally. I heart aches, it feels heavy and tight like someone is standing on it. I have been crying almost all the time. I had a slight break on Saturday but otherwise since Wednesday I have been crying pretty much non-stop. The tears just keep flowing. My poor dog is scared of me or worried or something. Last night when I was sobbing she went downstairs in the dark and went into her crate. Usually she wants to be on our bed with us! In fact she is always on our bed. I suppose she feels safe in her crate. Poor Jenny-Dog.
I am extremely tired. My body is tired because I have been having a terrible time sleeping. My mind is tired from me trying to figure out what is wrong with me, what I need to do to make it better, and trying to figure out all the details and responsibilities of life. My head hurts. My heart and emotions are tired. I don’t know how I still have more tears. This emotional pain is searing. I feel like a hot poker from the fire is being jabbed into my heart. It hurts. And that poker for whatever reason is not going away. I am spiritually tired. God is good. He is with me. He is powerful. But I really want him to heal me. It is time Lord. I am ready for my miraculous healing. (No I am not going to go off my medicine or stop doing the work I need to do to get healthy; I am just ready for my miracle)
And if anyone reading this is thinking that I am not willing to do the work that I need to do to help myself get ready then don’t bother reading this blog anymore. I have been working so freaking hard and I am tired of feeling like I have to justify myself to people who think I am not doing enough to get through this depression. I could list everything that I am doing but I have done that already and I am tired. And frankly, I am really ANGRY at all the people who think I am weak, not trying hard enough, or depending on others to fix it for me.
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