Depression freaking hurts! Seriously, it really hurts. I cannot believe how much it hurts. I am still surprised by the gut wrenching pain I feel on some days. I feel like I am starring in the antidepressant commercial that states,
Depression hurts!
Where does depression hurt?
Everywhere.
Who does depression hurt?
Every one.
Ouch it hurts. I have spent the past two days really hurting. Why? Good question.
I saw my therapist today and I was like a volcano spewing red hot raw emotion. I just kept erupting. I had so much to say, yell and cry about. It was good to get it out. No wonder they (therapists) get paid well, they hear a lot of awful stuff. I feel less toxic now. But man am I tired. I think I could take a four hour nap and still sleep all night.
One of the main emotions I am dealing with right now is anger. I am so freaking angry and pissed off at my body. Seriously, it needs to get the hint and GET BETTER! I have been working extremely hard on getting and staying healthy. I am exercising (sometimes twice a day), doing relaxation exercises (also known as guided meditation), praying, reading my Bible, having others pray for me, journaling, eating healthier, taking my medication, seeing my therapist, seeing my psychiatrist, stopping negative thoughts and replacing them with positive ones. I am setting goals and following through with them. I am trying not to make my to-do list to long (this is difficult to do because there is always so much to get done) so that I am successful each day. I am trying to be gentle with myself. I am doing my part. It is time for my body and brain to get on board with the Healthy Carly Project. I am so angry that I am still struggling with depression and anxiety.
I am also pissed off at my Fibromyalgia body. Exercising helps depression and anxiety. It also helps us stay healthy and maintain a healthy body weight. I am exercising a lot (as much as my fibro body will allow) and my body is not cooperating. It is not easy to get back into exercising when you are out of the habit and are out of shape. But I am making myself do it because I really really really want to be healthier. I am putting in the effort and my body is retaliating. I have had so much more pain since I have started walking longer and faster. So now my body hurts all over along with my painfully depressed heart and brain. I feel betrayed by my body. It is almost like it (my body) wants me to fail. It is like my body does not want me to be healthy, whole, energetic, and in shape. I know this is crazy. My body does not actually have thoughts of it’s own but it is sure making my life challenging.
Up until this week the depression has been a lot better but I had increased anxiety. I have found that the best thing to treat my physical anxiety is to exercise. I really want to go run and run hard to work all that yucky anxiety out. However, if I went running I would probably not walk for a week. So instead I walk. I am so pissed that I have shin splints from walking. Seriously, being sore from walking? What is that all about? Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I am just so angry at my body. I am asking you Body, will you please start working with me? I would really like for us to be on the same team.
I am thankful that I can walk. There are many people who can no longer use their legs or arms or other body parts. I am thankful that I have what I have. Now if I could just get myself to stop comparing myself with others I might be even happier with myself.
I am not sure what else is causing the increased hurting other than anger. I am just really tired of struggling with and fighting depression. I am ready to be victorious. I want my life back. I want to have energy to enjoy my life.
I had a glimpse of feeling better. I think that is part of why I hurt so much right now. I was feeling better and I feel like I have moved backwards. I was so excited to be moving forwards. I was so excited to feel capable and stable. Is stability really too much to ask for? It is not like I am asking to be some famous actress who makes tremendous amounts of money. I simply want to be mentally and emotionally healthy. I want to be a capable, confident and stable wife and mom. I am not even trying to be a super-mom. I will happily settle for being a productive creative thriving stay-at-home mom. I understand that I have limitations. Limitations are ok but depression is not ok. Not anymore!
Ok time to focus on what I am thankful for.
Happy/Gratitude List
291. The weather is gorgeous! It is cool enough to have the windows open. I love fresh air.
292. I got a hair cut today.
293. My therapist is really helpful.
294. My dog escaped out of our yard (under the fence) late last night. The great part is that she came home to us in one piece and without smelling like a skunk (literally).
295. V is getting very comfortable in the water and even likes going under water. She loves to swim like I did.
296. We get to go swimming tomorrow.
297. I get to see photos of Bethany's and Darci’s beautiful babies on facebook.
298. I get to take a nap after this.
299. It is Friday!
300. V’s favorite song is Trading My Sorrows. It is one of my favorites too.
301. She (V) frequently belts out the words “Joy comes in the morning…The joy of the Lord is my strength…I’m trading my sickness, I’m trading my pain, I’m trading them in for the joy of the Lord.” What could be more adorable and uplifting than that?
302. Wow! I have 300 things that I am thankful for.
Friday, July 30, 2010
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Frustrated
Today’s Happy List
280. I slept pretty well last night
281. I get to spend the day with my daughter
282. I am awake early enough to do a few things to help take care of my mental and emotional health.
283. Play date today with some wonderful friends
284. My friend Emily rocks!
285. Two of my friends have just had healthy babies. YAY!
289. God is with me.
290. “Joy comes in the morning” I am so thankful for this. Sometimes we just need a new day.
I am dealing with some frustration and anger. I was really feeling it last night. I am not exactly sure how I am feeling this morning. I just got up. I do know that I want to feel good and that I want to enjoy today.
I broke old dishes in my driveway last night. I smashed 3 of them into pieces. I was feeling so frustrated and pissed off. I did not want to stuff those feelings inside and let them fester. So I smashed dishes. It helped a little. I seem to remember it working better when I have done in the past. I any case I smashed the dishes instead of being crabby or screaming and yelling. Most importantly I let myself feel the frustration and anger instead of pretending I was ok which would set me up for more problems later on.
Why am I frustrated? There are a few things on that list. First, I had a really crappy day yesterday. I had planned on organizing Vienna’s room but I felt really sick. I woke up in a tremendous amount of pain. I was groggy, achy and yucky all over. I tried getting out and walking which usually helps but instead I felt worse afterwards. I am REALLY frustrated and pissed off at my body.
M came over yesterday to watch V during my counseling appointment and to spend time with us. We were going to work on V’s room together. We had a couple of problems right away. Problem One, V had gone the past 3 days in a row without taking a nap and without sleeping in to make up the loss of sleep. She was so tired, crabby and needy. Problem Two, I felt terrible. My body was not cooperating with me. Problem 3, M had it in her mind that we were going to completely reorganize V’s room and do nothing else until that was done. Problem 4, whenever M felt that time was being wasted she got on her phone or the computer which was very frustrating and hurtful.
V and I have spent a limited amount of time with M over the past few years. When we are finally with her I would really love for us to get her completely. I don’t want to have to share her with her 50 friends who call or text. I have not felt like a priority but I thought it was because of her stressful job. But now that she is retired I thought things would be different. Plus, I feel bad for V. She was so excited to see M but then she kept using her phone. V totally notices this stuff. She has asked me to put my phone down and play with her more than one time.
I have more to write about the day yesterday but it is making me crabby and I refuse to be crabby today. I will try writing later.
I am still really struggling. My day actually got worse. I felt like I was losing my mind this morning. I woke up really anxious so I started exercising which usually helps. I used the elliptical machine and then I did part of a work out tape and then when V woke up we went for a walk. But I still felt edgy and out of control. I got V settled playing outside in the sandbox and promptly came inside and feel apart. I prayed. I cried out to God. I yelled. I cried. I kicked the dryer (only once because I did not want to break it but if I could have found something else to kick I would have kicked the crap out of it.) I literally felt like I was going crazy. I could not seem to get myself under control. I called my counselor to see if he could squeeze me in. I thought I was going to have a breakdown right there and have to go back into the hospital. What the hell? I just don’t understand what the hell is going on with me. My brain is still sick and that pisses me off. I am freaking trying so hard to get healthy and my brain is still being a pain in the ass.
I trying so hard to fight this damn depression and now my body is acting up. Exercising helps produce endorphins and endorphins naturally help depression. So I have been exercising a lot. But now my stupid fibromyalgia body is protesting and I am in pain. I just want to screeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaammm! Uggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg I am just freaking trying to get healthy.
Anyway….as I was having this meltdown I remembered the tapping technique. I tried it and it actually helped calm me down. I had to do it several times but it did really help. I was so tired after the ordeal (and all the exercising) that I really just wanted to go back to bed. But I could not do that. I had my precious daughter outside waiting for me to play with her. We had a play date to get to. So I made myself focus on getting ready to go. Wow was that tough. It was almost as hard as the last mile in a long run when you are so exhausted and all you can do is focus on moving your arms back and forth because you know that your feet will follow your arms. We made it to the play date.
Thank God for a nap this afternoon. I was so exhausted that I could barely stay standing up. I felt quite a bit better for a little while afterwards. I talked to my psychiatrist and he told me to try taking my Ativan every evening to try to prevent extreme anxiety. I usually just take it as needed. We also talked about how I may have to go back on SSRI medication. I currently take only one anti-depressant medication. That is amazing since I have not been on only one since 1999.
But the anxiety came soaring back into my being. The anxiety makes me edgy, crabby, inpatient, tense, intense and I feel physically crappy. So being the proactive little depression/anxiety fighter that I am I went in my room (leaving poor Nate with Vienna after he had a particularly terrible day) and did relaxation exercises. This helped for about 1 hour. Now I am back to feeling on edge, pissy and so damn frustrated with my body!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am ready to go smash more dishes and I would if the neighbors were not all outside. I don’t want them to think I am going crazy or something.
Maybe a glass of wine will help. Maybe not since alcohol is a depressant and can make fibro pain worse. But maybe it will help the anxiety that is driving me crazy. Oh how I am looking forward to the days when I feel completely sane for several weeks in a row.
280. I slept pretty well last night
281. I get to spend the day with my daughter
282. I am awake early enough to do a few things to help take care of my mental and emotional health.
283. Play date today with some wonderful friends
284. My friend Emily rocks!
285. Two of my friends have just had healthy babies. YAY!
289. God is with me.
290. “Joy comes in the morning” I am so thankful for this. Sometimes we just need a new day.
I am dealing with some frustration and anger. I was really feeling it last night. I am not exactly sure how I am feeling this morning. I just got up. I do know that I want to feel good and that I want to enjoy today.
I broke old dishes in my driveway last night. I smashed 3 of them into pieces. I was feeling so frustrated and pissed off. I did not want to stuff those feelings inside and let them fester. So I smashed dishes. It helped a little. I seem to remember it working better when I have done in the past. I any case I smashed the dishes instead of being crabby or screaming and yelling. Most importantly I let myself feel the frustration and anger instead of pretending I was ok which would set me up for more problems later on.
Why am I frustrated? There are a few things on that list. First, I had a really crappy day yesterday. I had planned on organizing Vienna’s room but I felt really sick. I woke up in a tremendous amount of pain. I was groggy, achy and yucky all over. I tried getting out and walking which usually helps but instead I felt worse afterwards. I am REALLY frustrated and pissed off at my body.
M came over yesterday to watch V during my counseling appointment and to spend time with us. We were going to work on V’s room together. We had a couple of problems right away. Problem One, V had gone the past 3 days in a row without taking a nap and without sleeping in to make up the loss of sleep. She was so tired, crabby and needy. Problem Two, I felt terrible. My body was not cooperating with me. Problem 3, M had it in her mind that we were going to completely reorganize V’s room and do nothing else until that was done. Problem 4, whenever M felt that time was being wasted she got on her phone or the computer which was very frustrating and hurtful.
V and I have spent a limited amount of time with M over the past few years. When we are finally with her I would really love for us to get her completely. I don’t want to have to share her with her 50 friends who call or text. I have not felt like a priority but I thought it was because of her stressful job. But now that she is retired I thought things would be different. Plus, I feel bad for V. She was so excited to see M but then she kept using her phone. V totally notices this stuff. She has asked me to put my phone down and play with her more than one time.
I have more to write about the day yesterday but it is making me crabby and I refuse to be crabby today. I will try writing later.
I am still really struggling. My day actually got worse. I felt like I was losing my mind this morning. I woke up really anxious so I started exercising which usually helps. I used the elliptical machine and then I did part of a work out tape and then when V woke up we went for a walk. But I still felt edgy and out of control. I got V settled playing outside in the sandbox and promptly came inside and feel apart. I prayed. I cried out to God. I yelled. I cried. I kicked the dryer (only once because I did not want to break it but if I could have found something else to kick I would have kicked the crap out of it.) I literally felt like I was going crazy. I could not seem to get myself under control. I called my counselor to see if he could squeeze me in. I thought I was going to have a breakdown right there and have to go back into the hospital. What the hell? I just don’t understand what the hell is going on with me. My brain is still sick and that pisses me off. I am freaking trying so hard to get healthy and my brain is still being a pain in the ass.
I trying so hard to fight this damn depression and now my body is acting up. Exercising helps produce endorphins and endorphins naturally help depression. So I have been exercising a lot. But now my stupid fibromyalgia body is protesting and I am in pain. I just want to screeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaammm! Uggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg I am just freaking trying to get healthy.
Anyway….as I was having this meltdown I remembered the tapping technique. I tried it and it actually helped calm me down. I had to do it several times but it did really help. I was so tired after the ordeal (and all the exercising) that I really just wanted to go back to bed. But I could not do that. I had my precious daughter outside waiting for me to play with her. We had a play date to get to. So I made myself focus on getting ready to go. Wow was that tough. It was almost as hard as the last mile in a long run when you are so exhausted and all you can do is focus on moving your arms back and forth because you know that your feet will follow your arms. We made it to the play date.
Thank God for a nap this afternoon. I was so exhausted that I could barely stay standing up. I felt quite a bit better for a little while afterwards. I talked to my psychiatrist and he told me to try taking my Ativan every evening to try to prevent extreme anxiety. I usually just take it as needed. We also talked about how I may have to go back on SSRI medication. I currently take only one anti-depressant medication. That is amazing since I have not been on only one since 1999.
But the anxiety came soaring back into my being. The anxiety makes me edgy, crabby, inpatient, tense, intense and I feel physically crappy. So being the proactive little depression/anxiety fighter that I am I went in my room (leaving poor Nate with Vienna after he had a particularly terrible day) and did relaxation exercises. This helped for about 1 hour. Now I am back to feeling on edge, pissy and so damn frustrated with my body!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am ready to go smash more dishes and I would if the neighbors were not all outside. I don’t want them to think I am going crazy or something.
Maybe a glass of wine will help. Maybe not since alcohol is a depressant and can make fibro pain worse. But maybe it will help the anxiety that is driving me crazy. Oh how I am looking forward to the days when I feel completely sane for several weeks in a row.
Monday, July 26, 2010
Yay For Today
I am choosing to feel good today. I have to keep choosing it every half hour or so but I am STILL choosing it. V is with her grandparents today. I think I let myself fall apart on these days. I have been crying most of the day. But I am choosing to feel good. I choose joy!
After talking with my friend Emily today I have decided that I need to keep a new list on the refrigerator. It is called The YAY List (the I Did It List). I seem to focus so much on what needs to be done that I am missing all that I am doing. It is interesting; when I was severely depressed I let myself be ok with simply getting out of bed. Now that I am feeling better (but not totally better) I feel like I need to be able to do it all. I seem to have forgotten about baby steps. I just want to be ALL better now. Right now.
The YAY For Today List
1. I walked Jenny-Do at the Dog Park for an hour.
2. I exercised for an hour!
3. I called my friend Emily (I reached out when I was struggling, yay Carly).
4. I prayed (at ton).
5. I edited and published my blog from last night.
6. I wrote a friend an encouragement note that I have been meaning to do for a couple of weeks.
7. I sent out congratulations cards to my friend and cousin who recently had babies. Finally.
8. I ate some good food.
9. I showered (it has been two days).
10. I put makeup on and got dressed up for my sexy hubby. It is date night.
11. I made makeup for Vienna to play with. (I took some my old makeup containers and completely cleaned them out. Then I put pink, purple, red and cream nail polish in them to dry and become play makeup.) Yay Carly. I have been meaning to do this for a long time.
12. I ordered new vitamin supplements.
13. I made Vienna’s bed.
14. I made my bed.
15. I cleaned the dog after the long walk.
16. I planned out (in my mind) how I can better organize V’s room.
17. I did the dishes.
18. I did a load of laundry.
19. I picked up everything off the floor in the living room and kitchen.
20. Now I am going to go on a date with my wonderful hubby.
So even though I had many more things that I wanted to do today. I would say that I have accomplished a lot. Yay Carly.
After talking with my friend Emily today I have decided that I need to keep a new list on the refrigerator. It is called The YAY List (the I Did It List). I seem to focus so much on what needs to be done that I am missing all that I am doing. It is interesting; when I was severely depressed I let myself be ok with simply getting out of bed. Now that I am feeling better (but not totally better) I feel like I need to be able to do it all. I seem to have forgotten about baby steps. I just want to be ALL better now. Right now.
The YAY For Today List
1. I walked Jenny-Do at the Dog Park for an hour.
2. I exercised for an hour!
3. I called my friend Emily (I reached out when I was struggling, yay Carly).
4. I prayed (at ton).
5. I edited and published my blog from last night.
6. I wrote a friend an encouragement note that I have been meaning to do for a couple of weeks.
7. I sent out congratulations cards to my friend and cousin who recently had babies. Finally.
8. I ate some good food.
9. I showered (it has been two days).
10. I put makeup on and got dressed up for my sexy hubby. It is date night.
11. I made makeup for Vienna to play with. (I took some my old makeup containers and completely cleaned them out. Then I put pink, purple, red and cream nail polish in them to dry and become play makeup.) Yay Carly. I have been meaning to do this for a long time.
12. I ordered new vitamin supplements.
13. I made Vienna’s bed.
14. I made my bed.
15. I cleaned the dog after the long walk.
16. I planned out (in my mind) how I can better organize V’s room.
17. I did the dishes.
18. I did a load of laundry.
19. I picked up everything off the floor in the living room and kitchen.
20. Now I am going to go on a date with my wonderful hubby.
So even though I had many more things that I wanted to do today. I would say that I have accomplished a lot. Yay Carly.
Wants
7-25/26-10 (12:45 am)
I have been having a lot of really good days. However this is a down day. I suppose that is why I am writing. I need to vent some of my yucky feelings.
It has been 12 days since I last wrote. Almost two weeks. I have really missed writing. I have been busy trying to get my life together. I have been walking every day and have been increasing the length of time that I walk as well as the speed in which I walk. Last week I also did Yoga almost every evening. I slacked off on the weekend. My daughter is home with me again. She will no longer be going to daycare. I am trying to get my upstairs organized. There is so much work to do in that area. I am not even beginning to tackle the basement. I just want our upstairs to be organized. I want everything to have home, a place where it belongs so that we do not have “stuff” everywhere. Instead that stuff will be in its home. I am overwhelmed. I am tired. But I am trying. The challenge is that I have so many things that I want to change about me, my life, my house and my family that I cannot seem to….
I am having trouble formulating clear thoughts for the above paragraph so I suppose I will move on
I am struggling with comparing myself to other people this weekend. I can’t do that. I know that it is not helpful in any way and it only makes me feel like I am falling short. I wish so very much that I was mentally, physically and emotionally healthy. I wish that I could keep up with all the super moms around me. There are moms who work, have social lives, are wonderful wives and who are terrific parents. There are other moms who stay home with their kids and manage fantastic households. They are the moms who have beautiful houses with nice decorations and furnishings.
I know that I am feeling overwhelmed. I am feeling like I do not measure up to all the moms around me. I know that I should not compare myself to them but sometimes I cannot help it. I want to be a better mom and wife. I fall short in so many areas. It hurts me that I fall so short. I want to have a clean, well decorated; organized, home that is a comfortable place for me to have people visit. I want to have more energy so I can keep up with my daughter and not grow weary. I want to be intentional in our time to get….
Never mind. Writing about this is just making me feel worse. I don’t want to feel worse. I want to feel better. I want to be better. I want to be a different person today. I don’t want to be sick struggling with depression and Fibromyalgia Carly. I am tired of letting my husband down. I am tired of being me. I want to be my friend B. I am calling her B for beautiful.
B just moved into a beautiful new house in which she is decorating beautifully. I think one of her MANY talents in interior decorating. The furniture is fabulous and so are all the other beautiful touches she has made to each room. She has it extremely organized and has somehow found a way to make organization look stylish. He floors are free of toys because she always picks them up right away. She makes friends wherever she goes. I adore her. She has a rock solid marriage. She and her husband talk about everything. They use kind gentle words with each other and are uplifting rather than downing. Her kids are amazing. Her daughter is one of the sweetest most well behaved children I have ever met. The reason she is like that is because she is so persistent and consistent in teaching her how to act and react appropriately. She works from home doing something she loves and is so gifted at. She has a knack at making everything look beautiful. She has an amazingly strong faith. She grows their own vegetables. She cooks amazing meals that she also presents looking like art. She makes her own homemade yogurt. And she makes it all look so easy. I know it is not always easy but she makes it look that way. I think I want to be B when I grow up. Gosh I wish I could be just a little bit more like her and a little less tired, struggling, unorganized, messy (both emotionally and physically) me.
I just don’t’ want to write anymore cuz it is making me feel worse.
Moving on....God I just need so much help from you. I am such a mess. I need you. Please help me get my life in order. I want to be a blessing to husband and daughter. I am a stay home mom for goodness sakes I should at least be able to do that.
Please help me stop comparing myself to everyone else. They are not dealing with freaking depression. I hate depression. Why am I still dealing with depression? Why is life so much easier for some people? I just want to be done being depressed. Done being sick. Done being tired. Done being the looser me that I feel like I am right now. I know I am not a looser but why am I struggling with things that are so easy for so many people. I just want to be a person who blesses others. I want to serve God and serve His people. I want to be a fantastic, fun, consistent, reliable mother. I want to bless my husband in every way possible. I want to have a clean house so I can invite people over. I want to live a life of purpose. I want to get healthy. I want to exercise every day and not end up in tremendous amounts of pain afterwards. I want to lose weight and be healthy physically. I want to be able to keep up with my daughter. I want to be able to have another baby. I want to be completely emotionally and mentally stable. And believe me I am trying to be stable. I am fighting like hell to make it happen. So it better happen. I want to have the energy to…… Ok enough with the I wants. Time to move on.
I want to curse. F***! F this is hard. F this stupid depression. F fibromyalgia. F-F-F!!!!!
I wish I was sleeping. I am tired. It is 1:21 am. Tomorrow I have so much that I need to get done. Now there is a good chance that I will be in lots of pain and that I will be too tired to get my many tasks done. I tried going to bed. But I couldn’t fall asleep. I just couldn’t turn my mind off. I kept thinking about all the areas I fall short in. I do a few things well. But not very many right now. I am trying. I am fighting. I am working on making me and my life better. I am really trying. I am tired of trying. I want to be succeeding. I want to be better. I want my depression to be better. I want my fibro to be better. I want me to be better. Better at life. Better at keeping house. Better at caring for my child. Better at being a great wife. Better at serving God. Better Better Better!!!! I want better.
I have been having a lot of really good days. However this is a down day. I suppose that is why I am writing. I need to vent some of my yucky feelings.
It has been 12 days since I last wrote. Almost two weeks. I have really missed writing. I have been busy trying to get my life together. I have been walking every day and have been increasing the length of time that I walk as well as the speed in which I walk. Last week I also did Yoga almost every evening. I slacked off on the weekend. My daughter is home with me again. She will no longer be going to daycare. I am trying to get my upstairs organized. There is so much work to do in that area. I am not even beginning to tackle the basement. I just want our upstairs to be organized. I want everything to have home, a place where it belongs so that we do not have “stuff” everywhere. Instead that stuff will be in its home. I am overwhelmed. I am tired. But I am trying. The challenge is that I have so many things that I want to change about me, my life, my house and my family that I cannot seem to….
I am having trouble formulating clear thoughts for the above paragraph so I suppose I will move on
I am struggling with comparing myself to other people this weekend. I can’t do that. I know that it is not helpful in any way and it only makes me feel like I am falling short. I wish so very much that I was mentally, physically and emotionally healthy. I wish that I could keep up with all the super moms around me. There are moms who work, have social lives, are wonderful wives and who are terrific parents. There are other moms who stay home with their kids and manage fantastic households. They are the moms who have beautiful houses with nice decorations and furnishings.
I know that I am feeling overwhelmed. I am feeling like I do not measure up to all the moms around me. I know that I should not compare myself to them but sometimes I cannot help it. I want to be a better mom and wife. I fall short in so many areas. It hurts me that I fall so short. I want to have a clean, well decorated; organized, home that is a comfortable place for me to have people visit. I want to have more energy so I can keep up with my daughter and not grow weary. I want to be intentional in our time to get….
Never mind. Writing about this is just making me feel worse. I don’t want to feel worse. I want to feel better. I want to be better. I want to be a different person today. I don’t want to be sick struggling with depression and Fibromyalgia Carly. I am tired of letting my husband down. I am tired of being me. I want to be my friend B. I am calling her B for beautiful.
B just moved into a beautiful new house in which she is decorating beautifully. I think one of her MANY talents in interior decorating. The furniture is fabulous and so are all the other beautiful touches she has made to each room. She has it extremely organized and has somehow found a way to make organization look stylish. He floors are free of toys because she always picks them up right away. She makes friends wherever she goes. I adore her. She has a rock solid marriage. She and her husband talk about everything. They use kind gentle words with each other and are uplifting rather than downing. Her kids are amazing. Her daughter is one of the sweetest most well behaved children I have ever met. The reason she is like that is because she is so persistent and consistent in teaching her how to act and react appropriately. She works from home doing something she loves and is so gifted at. She has a knack at making everything look beautiful. She has an amazingly strong faith. She grows their own vegetables. She cooks amazing meals that she also presents looking like art. She makes her own homemade yogurt. And she makes it all look so easy. I know it is not always easy but she makes it look that way. I think I want to be B when I grow up. Gosh I wish I could be just a little bit more like her and a little less tired, struggling, unorganized, messy (both emotionally and physically) me.
I just don’t’ want to write anymore cuz it is making me feel worse.
Moving on....God I just need so much help from you. I am such a mess. I need you. Please help me get my life in order. I want to be a blessing to husband and daughter. I am a stay home mom for goodness sakes I should at least be able to do that.
Please help me stop comparing myself to everyone else. They are not dealing with freaking depression. I hate depression. Why am I still dealing with depression? Why is life so much easier for some people? I just want to be done being depressed. Done being sick. Done being tired. Done being the looser me that I feel like I am right now. I know I am not a looser but why am I struggling with things that are so easy for so many people. I just want to be a person who blesses others. I want to serve God and serve His people. I want to be a fantastic, fun, consistent, reliable mother. I want to bless my husband in every way possible. I want to have a clean house so I can invite people over. I want to live a life of purpose. I want to get healthy. I want to exercise every day and not end up in tremendous amounts of pain afterwards. I want to lose weight and be healthy physically. I want to be able to keep up with my daughter. I want to be able to have another baby. I want to be completely emotionally and mentally stable. And believe me I am trying to be stable. I am fighting like hell to make it happen. So it better happen. I want to have the energy to…… Ok enough with the I wants. Time to move on.
I want to curse. F***! F this is hard. F this stupid depression. F fibromyalgia. F-F-F!!!!!
I wish I was sleeping. I am tired. It is 1:21 am. Tomorrow I have so much that I need to get done. Now there is a good chance that I will be in lots of pain and that I will be too tired to get my many tasks done. I tried going to bed. But I couldn’t fall asleep. I just couldn’t turn my mind off. I kept thinking about all the areas I fall short in. I do a few things well. But not very many right now. I am trying. I am fighting. I am working on making me and my life better. I am really trying. I am tired of trying. I want to be succeeding. I want to be better. I want my depression to be better. I want my fibro to be better. I want me to be better. Better at life. Better at keeping house. Better at caring for my child. Better at being a great wife. Better at serving God. Better Better Better!!!! I want better.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Better
Yesterday (7-12-10) did get better. We did more family shopping which was challenging but bearable. I got some tasks around the house done which always feels good. Then I did Yoga. I cannot believe how much better I felt after that. I was really really sore from my long walk in the morning so the stretching was helpful. It hurt but I felt really good afterwards. So YAY, yesterday ended well and I am fighting for today. I woke up a little crabby but I have pushed through that. I took a nice long walk and had a good time of prayer. I asked God to help my attitude and my gratitude. I am choosing to feel great today!
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
I Have a Dream
I have a dream. I am so excited. I have a dream. My friend Karyn made a comment on facebook about me turning my blog into a book. My dream is to do just that. I want to put together a book of some kind that encourages people who are struggling through depression. I have no idea how to make this happen. But I have a dream. God has definitely gifted me in the area of encouragement and I want to use that gift to bless others. I am not a great writer but I am honest and I have a great deal of experiences that could help others. My struggle has been grueling but I am determined to not give up. I want to help others have that same determination. I want people who are depressed and feeling hopeless to know that they are not alone. Not only is God always with us but there are so many people who struggle with depression who understand what the horrible disease is all about.
I had the hardest time getting my mind to calm down last night so that I could go to sleep. My thoughts were all over the place thinking about this new dream. I have not had a dream in a long time. I used to want to be a camp director. Then a youth worker who taught kids about the hope we have in Jesus. The problem with both of those is that they require a great deal of energy. Because of Fibromyalgia I do not have a lot have much energy. I grieved the loss of those dreams for a long time. I felt called to work with youth and I was really passionate about it. I have been hesitant or even against dreaming since then. I did not want to go through the pain of having another dream crushed due to my health. So now I have found a Fibromyalgia friendly dream. I can help others through some sort of publications. And then maybe one day I can speak to groups of people about my experiences. I used to say I wanted to be a motivational speaker. That still may be in my future. I LOVE to encourage others. The idea of my pain helping other through their pain is exhilarating. Wow, I have a dream. And maybe my dream could help us financially. That would be amazing!
I have a dream. Carly has a dream. Yipeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
I had the hardest time getting my mind to calm down last night so that I could go to sleep. My thoughts were all over the place thinking about this new dream. I have not had a dream in a long time. I used to want to be a camp director. Then a youth worker who taught kids about the hope we have in Jesus. The problem with both of those is that they require a great deal of energy. Because of Fibromyalgia I do not have a lot have much energy. I grieved the loss of those dreams for a long time. I felt called to work with youth and I was really passionate about it. I have been hesitant or even against dreaming since then. I did not want to go through the pain of having another dream crushed due to my health. So now I have found a Fibromyalgia friendly dream. I can help others through some sort of publications. And then maybe one day I can speak to groups of people about my experiences. I used to say I wanted to be a motivational speaker. That still may be in my future. I LOVE to encourage others. The idea of my pain helping other through their pain is exhilarating. Wow, I have a dream. And maybe my dream could help us financially. That would be amazing!
I have a dream. Carly has a dream. Yipeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
Monday, July 12, 2010
Pushing Through
I don’t understand how we can just wake up crabby. What happens to us while we sleep that makes us wake up feeling yucky? Blech! I got out of bed and was struggling with being annoyed with Vienna and Nate as soon as my feet touched the floor. I don’t understand that. So I prayed. “God please help me. I don’t want to be crabby.” I took deep breaths but inside I found myself looking forward to them leaving. Now I just need to figure out how to avoid the crabby mornings. If I wake up crabby what can I do to get over it and get over it fast! I went to bed thanking God for my precious family. But I also struggled with crabbiness yesterday.
I feel very physically crabby. I am working really hard on controlling my thoughts but my body still feels yucky. My muscles are tight and achy. My chest feels mildly fiery and sort of anxious. It is like there is a crabby cloud hovering over me that is pressing down on my body making it feel yucky/crabby. So now what? I am listening to positive music. I shouted out a quick prayer asking God to help me Not be crabby. I think I should go exercise. I wish I could go for a really hard run or kick box so I could beat the crabbiness right out of me. But I will be happy with what my body can handle a nice walk with my Dog. Off I go. Hopefully I will return feeling great!
So I walked my dog for a good 50 minutes. It was painful and now I am tight and sore but I think it helped the crabbiness. Well at least I thought it helped the crabbiness. I am moving sore due to the soreness but I was doing my best not to let that bother me. I have so much to do today. Then my husband came home. And suddenly the crabbiness was back. It was like I did not like and I did not want him near me. Everything he was saying and doing was annoying me. Even the way he was chewing his food annoyed me. What in the world? Why was I all of the sudden crabby again? Did I feel like my space was being invaded or that my alone time was being violated? Normally I love it when he comes home. I wonder if I have gotten too used to being by myself. That is not a good thing because the goal is to get Vienna back home with me every day. That means she would be with me all the time and I would have very few breaks. There is nap time but I usually sleep then and unfortunately sleep does not qualify as quality alone time. Ugggggggggg. Why am I so crabby? While Nate was still here I went down stairs to do the laundry. I did not want to hurt him. And since I was feeling like I did not like him it was very probable that I would hurt his feelings. Granted escaping to the basement to do laundry when he is only home for 30 minutes did not send a positive message either. I went for the lesser of the two evils.
So now here I am at the computer. I have a long list of house chores to get done. I am very tired. If I take a nap I could feel better afterwards. Then again I might not. I could push through and work but I can tell I will be moving very slowly which will make it hard to get much done. I could try to do something that would make me laugh. That would be good. But I really should work. Maybe I will go take a long hot shower and see how I feel then.
Happy List
269. Walking in the woods with Jenny-Dog
270. I had a really good time of prayer, worship and positive thinking during the walk.
271. God’s promises are real and true and all for me if I claim them.
272. My sweet hubby comes home to visit me at lunch sometimes
273. We are having dinner with my mom and Tom tonight
274. Jenny-Dog is very happy
275. Vienna looks adorable today (and every day)
276. We have air conditioning
277. I almost have 300 things on my happy/grateful list
278. I have been enjoying my relaxation exercises
279. It has felt really good to remember the times when I was healthy and strong. I am looking forward to being that way again.
I feel very physically crabby. I am working really hard on controlling my thoughts but my body still feels yucky. My muscles are tight and achy. My chest feels mildly fiery and sort of anxious. It is like there is a crabby cloud hovering over me that is pressing down on my body making it feel yucky/crabby. So now what? I am listening to positive music. I shouted out a quick prayer asking God to help me Not be crabby. I think I should go exercise. I wish I could go for a really hard run or kick box so I could beat the crabbiness right out of me. But I will be happy with what my body can handle a nice walk with my Dog. Off I go. Hopefully I will return feeling great!
So I walked my dog for a good 50 minutes. It was painful and now I am tight and sore but I think it helped the crabbiness. Well at least I thought it helped the crabbiness. I am moving sore due to the soreness but I was doing my best not to let that bother me. I have so much to do today. Then my husband came home. And suddenly the crabbiness was back. It was like I did not like and I did not want him near me. Everything he was saying and doing was annoying me. Even the way he was chewing his food annoyed me. What in the world? Why was I all of the sudden crabby again? Did I feel like my space was being invaded or that my alone time was being violated? Normally I love it when he comes home. I wonder if I have gotten too used to being by myself. That is not a good thing because the goal is to get Vienna back home with me every day. That means she would be with me all the time and I would have very few breaks. There is nap time but I usually sleep then and unfortunately sleep does not qualify as quality alone time. Ugggggggggg. Why am I so crabby? While Nate was still here I went down stairs to do the laundry. I did not want to hurt him. And since I was feeling like I did not like him it was very probable that I would hurt his feelings. Granted escaping to the basement to do laundry when he is only home for 30 minutes did not send a positive message either. I went for the lesser of the two evils.
So now here I am at the computer. I have a long list of house chores to get done. I am very tired. If I take a nap I could feel better afterwards. Then again I might not. I could push through and work but I can tell I will be moving very slowly which will make it hard to get much done. I could try to do something that would make me laugh. That would be good. But I really should work. Maybe I will go take a long hot shower and see how I feel then.
Happy List
269. Walking in the woods with Jenny-Dog
270. I had a really good time of prayer, worship and positive thinking during the walk.
271. God’s promises are real and true and all for me if I claim them.
272. My sweet hubby comes home to visit me at lunch sometimes
273. We are having dinner with my mom and Tom tonight
274. Jenny-Dog is very happy
275. Vienna looks adorable today (and every day)
276. We have air conditioning
277. I almost have 300 things on my happy/grateful list
278. I have been enjoying my relaxation exercises
279. It has felt really good to remember the times when I was healthy and strong. I am looking forward to being that way again.
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