I am so Grateful

I am so fragile when I am struggling with depression. The littlest things seem to stress me out. I am especially having a hard time with my daughter’s crying and whining. She is having a really hard time adjusting to the new schedule. Usually she stayed up with us in the evenings until 9:30 and then would sleep until 8. But now we have to get her up at 6:45. She cries in the morning begging us to let her go back to bed and then she cries and tells me she wants to stay home with me. It is breaking my already fragile heart. She is also having a hard time going to bed earlier. She is used to spending all day with me and several hours with Nate in the evening. She misses me all day and then is having her time with us cut short in the evenings. I am trying very hard not to feel guilty.
I keep telling myself that depression is an illness and that if I were sick with some other debilitating disease that we would be in the same boat. I need to take care of myself right now so that I can take care of V in the future. By having her in daycare we don’t have to worry about her during the day. She is safe and having fun.

My depression has been extremely hard on my husband. He is so amazing. He is patient, loving and so supportive but he is also human with needs of his own. It was too much for him to be worrying about me and V all day. With V in daycare he can relax and know that she is happy and being well cared for.

I had another really good day today. I woke up feeling like myself. I was happy to be alive and was motivated to get things done. It is really crazy how some mornings I wake up with this huge dark cloud looming over me. I wake up feeling sad, tired, overwhelmed and unmotivated. It is a huge challenge just to get out of bed. Then I had a morning like today. I woke up rejuvenated and very thankful for the day ahead. I sang praise songs as I got ready to go to my ECT treatment and spent time in prayer.

I have decided to start an “I’m so grateful” journal. Each day before I start the day I am going to write down 3 things I am grateful for before I start my day. Then before bed I will write 3 more things or people that I am thankful for. When I started it yesterday I couldn’t limit myself to 3 things. I have so very much to be grateful for.

I listed all of my friends and family which was a very long list. I am so blessed to have such great people in my life. I am also grateful for the kind nurses who care for me when I get my ECT treatments. They make me feel comfortable and are very encouraging.

I am also grateful for:

1. The birds singing this morning
2. The sunshine
3. My amazing daughter
4. I have my own car
5. Funny movies
6. Medical insurance
7. The privilege of staying home with my daughter
8. Dr. Barns
9. Facebook (it helps keep me connected with the people I care about).
10. God’s faithfulness
11. God’s Word
12. Joyce (a really nice nurse who cares for me)

Trying to Change

I just kissed my daughter goodbye and sent her off to her first day of daycare. She did not want to wake up. She tearfully told me that she wanted to stay home with me or that she wanted me to go with her. Her tears just broke my heart. My heart is breaking. Lots of children go to daycare but not usually because the mom is too depressed to take care of the child. I feel like I have failed her and like I have failed me. My job right now has been to raise V and to keep our home running smoothly. I seem to be failing at both.

My thoughts are so jumbled right now.

I wish I could say that I have had 4 good days in a row. Thursday was good, Friday was challenging, Saturday was good and yesterday was terrible. I could not stop crying last night. I was shaking I was crying so hard and I could not pin point the reason I was crying. There were a few things going on but nothing to warrant that kind of crying.

I am feeling rather useless right now. I get overwhelmed by everything. I feel so weak. Why can’t I handle my life? I know depression is a disease but I still feel like it is my fault. I still feel guilty for letting my child, husband, parents, and friends down.

I am trying to change the way I think about things. For example; “I am not a failure for taking my child to daycare. I am going through a difficult time and I need to focus on getting healthy. Taking V to daycare will be the best thing for all of us in the long run. Having her in child care is not permanent and I am not a bad mother for taking time to take care of myself.”

It is not so hard to change my thoughts but rather my feelings. I often try to think one way but feel another way. There is so much hurt inside of me. Sometimes I just don’t know what to do with it. Where do I put it and how do I process it?

I have made some goals for the day. It is time for me to go work on them.

A Really Good Day

I am thrilled to report that I have had a good day today. For the first time in a while I really enjoyed my daughter. I knew my depression was getting bad when I was no longer enjoying my delightful daughter. She made me laugh and smile and I felt alive again. I think my treatments are starting to help.  I also had a lovely time with my friend tonight.  Girl time is really very important and is so refreshing.

My husband has been amazing. He is amazing. He is supportive, patient, and so very loving. I feel completely treasured and safe when I am with him. I don’t have to pretend to be ok with him and I know he still loves me even when I am depressed or crabby.

My parents and friends have also been extremely supportive. My mom watched V today and they both had a wonderful time. She drove me to the hospital and gave lots of kisses while telling me that she loved me. Both of my parents and step-parents have told me they are proud of me. I feel extremely blessed to have such a wonderful support system. I already knew I was very lucky to have the friends and family that I have but that became even more evident when I was in the hospital. There were people there who had actually tried to commit suicide (which I have not tried nor do I have any desire to) and many of them did not have anyone who were truly supporting them. I have been frequently asked by doctors or counselors if I have a good support system. I am so blessed to be able to answer with a solid yes.

Fighting depression really takes a lot of courage and energy. I strongly believe that one of the ways that God has been here for me is through the many people who love me. I am so thankful for all of you who love and encourage me. Thank you, thank you and thank you!

Making the decision to have ECT treatments was a big and scary decision. I am not sure if I would have had the courage to go forward with them without the many people I have rooting and praying for me. The treatments are quite uncomfortable but if they work it will be well worth the discomfort.

I try to remind myself daily the joy of the Lord is my strength. It is really difficult to muster up joy when you are depressed but when I do I am so much stronger. I am able to fight the big looming depression monster head on rather than cowering back into its dark shadow.

My Breaking Heart

My heart is breaking a little bit today. My hubby and I are looking for childcare for our beautiful daughter. It would not be that big of a deal if I had some great job that I loved to go to every day. But I don’t. I am just too depressed to give my daughter the attention she needs. I have treatments on Tuesdays and Thursdays so I am not able to watch her at all on those days. I feel like a failure. I chose to stay home with her instead of working outside the home but now I have to have some stranger watch her. I feel so weak, so inadequate. Many people have offered to help watch her but I don’t want to burn them out.

Depression is an ugly monster. I wish I could just kill the beast. Where is God right now? He promises He is close and with me always but I feel so empty and alone. I am hurting. I hurt so much.

Please God I want to feel better. I need to feel better. I don’t like being so fragile. Lord hear my cries and answer my prayers. Thank you for your faithfulness.

“Savior, He can move the mountains. My God is mighty to save, he is mighty to save. Forever, author of salvation, he rose and conquered the grave, Jesus conquered the grave. You are mighty to save.”

“Holy is the Lord, God almighty, the earth is filled with His glory…..the joy of the Lord is my strength.”

The Lonely Road

I feel so lonely.  I feel like there is this big gaping void inside of me that is very painful.  I want to be sleeping right now but depression tends to keep me awake.  I am a bit nervous for my treatment tomorrow.  I don't know why.  This will be my third treatment but I just don't feel good about it. 

I don't really know what I am feeling right now.  It is hard to put a finger on my thoughts and feelings. I feel alone even though I know I am not alone.  I feel off, edgy, wierd, not ok and blah.

I want to feel alive, full of life, energetic, excited, overjoyed, and more like me. 

Let Tomorrow Come

I wish that today was over. I can’t fall asleep. I am anxious and just plain feeling depressed. I am so ready to go to sleep so that tomorrow will come quickly and this day will be over. The depression was thick and heavy today. I felt like I had this heaviness on me all day, like there was a thick grey cloud looming over me and pressing down on me. Tears were the only thing that came easily today. Everything else seemed so hard and so overwhelming. The simplest tasks like shopping, laundry, and cleaning up one room of the house nearly knocked me out. I felt like I was in a boxing ring and the final knock-out punch was thrown at me and I was down for the count, unable to recover from such a mighty blow. But the blow was really only a couple simple tasks that were just too much for me to handle. I could have easily spent the whole day in bed. But I made myself get up and go out to do some shopping.

It is so hard for my wonderful loving husband to see me this way. He wants to fix it and take the pain away. My parents do too. I would want to make it all better if it were my man or daughter suffering. Unfortunately, other people cannot make this better for me.

I started ECT treatments last week. They are not super easy to go through. There is a lot involved in making them happen. I sure hope they help. The doctor is very optimistic and thinks that they will really help get me feeling 100%. I cannot even imagine feeling 100%. It has been so long since I felt that way.

I feel so miserable right now. Why can’t I get better? Why can’t I get over this? What is wrong with me? I know this is a medical condition but I still feel this way. I think I would rather something physical to deal with. I feel weak and out of control.

I wonder why my husband would want to stay with me. I know he loves me but I feel like I have nothing to give him. I haven’t been able to keep the house clean, I am so emotional all the time and when he comes home I pretty much crash for the night. He has made so many sacrifices for me. I just don’t feel like I am worth it. He doesn’t feel that way but right now I do. Even when I am not depressed I still have fibromyalgia and am limited in what I can do. I hope one day I can serve him the way he has served me.


I feel like I am lazy. I have such a hard time getting going. I could have gotten work done today but I just watched movies instead. I was feeling really numb earlier today. I am not sure what is better, being numb or crying all the time.

I’d like to right more but I just don’t have the energy.