I am feeling really tired tonight. Working on healing from depression is quite exhausting. I am really confused also. I keep hearing different theories on how I can get well. I just know that I want to get well. I suppose I will listen to everyone’s opinions, think and pray about them and use what I think applies to me the best.
Lord please give me wisdom!
Happy List
I am so grateful…..
416. That my daughter loves to sing
417. That my hubby bought me chocolate peanut butter cup ice cream tonight
418. That my foot and ankle are healing
419. That we are getting a new (used) mattress. Ours is over 10 years old.
420. For my daughter. She is so completely and totally amazing!
421. For V singing (belting) “The joy of the Lord is my strength” all the time:)
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Monday, September 6, 2010
Feeling Crappy
Ugggggggggggggg I feel like crap right now. Even my body feels depressed. I feel emotionally, mentally and physically crappy. I don’t understand myself or my body. I woke up this morning thinking “This is the day the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it. I am going to have a good day today. Lord please help me have a good day.”
Then I feel back asleep for about 15 minutes. V came in and woke me up to see if I wanted to do a puzzle with her. I made myself get up and OUCH my body hurt. Not a good start. We went to do the puzzle for a few minutes and then I had to go to the bathroom. I dragged myself up (both feet hurting) and went into the bathroom. Nate is was just getting out of the shower and was frustrated that I could not wait another couple minutes. I really couldn’t wait (my body sucks). So we start the day off frustrated with each other.
I am hurt and frustrated that he did not greet me with a “Hi honey. Good morning. I t is so nice to see you” accompanied with a hello kiss. There I go again having unfair expectations.
I am crabby about my body hurting and annoyed that I am feeling depressed. Before I even got out of bed and fully woke up I was praying for a good day and already only 15 minutes into the day I was feeling crappy.
The morning continued to spiral downward. Nate and I did not communicate well. I was upset with him and couldn’t seem to get over it. I was feeling like a burden already and did not want to ask him to make me some breakfast. But I was hungry and it is very hard to cook with a sprained ankle. I had been up for about 30 minutes at this point and I was already self-loathing.
I don’t understand how my mind goes there so quickly. Nate was trying to make things better but no matter how hard he tried the damage was already done. That was so unfair to him. I knew I was being irrational but I could not seem to stop it.
I told him yesterday what I wanted to do today and he had forgotten. So when he told me that he was going to go over to my dad’s house to wash and wax the car I was upset. I forget things all the time so once again, I was not being fair to him.
He said he needed to get out of the house. I don’t blame him. The house is a huge mess. I then started to blame and dislike myself for the house being a mess. My thoughts were, “If only my ankle was not sprained and I had not been depressed forever then house would be picked up and he would not feel the need to escape.”
I went and got back into bed. I just wanted to go back to sleep. Nate put a video on for V so he could try to talk to me. He said “let’s go do what you want to do.” But I was already feeling crappy and so I said no. I kept thinking to myself “you are being irrational Carly. “ I tried to change my thoughts to positive thoughts. I tried to practice cognitive behavioral therapy and to keep my thoughts under control but I just could not seem to do it.
I don’t understand why I cannot handle the littlest things? Why do I go right to being depressed at the slightest little problem? Why do I think I suck and feel like such a burden and a loser? If I know I am being irrational why can’t I stop my thoughts and change them? Why when I try to start the day positive do I still feel down, crappy and depressed? Why do I feel the way I feel? Why can’t I pull myself out of this funk? Why can’t I apply the things I learn and change the way I think, feel and act? I feel defeated already and I have only been awake for an hour and a half.
I still just want to go back to bed. I am actually really tired. My foot/ankle hurts. I don’t want to be around anyone because I don’t feel like I can be nice to be around. I don’t want to hurt or frustrate my family anymore. I need to pull myself together and go be a good mom and wife. Carly pull yourself together damn it! Just pull yourself together.
It is several hours later and I still feel crappy. I took a nap and was determined to start over when I got up. Unfortunately the depression was still lingering.
I don’t want to feel depressed. I want to feel healthy, good, stable and normal. What the hell is wrong with me?
We had dinner with my mom and step-dad. I was very quiet throughout the dinner. I asked questions because it was easier than having them ask me questions. I did not want to start crying in the middle of a restaurant.
My mom talked about how my cousin is a very calm and easy gong mom with her new daughter. I thought to myself, “I used to be that way.” I used to be easy going and easy to be around but now I am so intense. I am irritable, irrational, unstable, and depressing. I hate that. What has happened to me? What has happened to the Carly we all knew and loved?
I remember in 1998 when a teacher that I really enjoyed and respected told me that I was too intense and that I needed to relax. That comment upset me so much because I knew it was true. It was another period in my life when I was struggling with depression. I was not the relaxed easy going person that I liked to be. I hated the way I was feeling and acting just like I hate how I am now.
Hate is a strong word. I don’t usually like to use it at all. But lately hate is what I have been feeling. I hate how I feel. I hate how I am acting. I hate not knowing how to make myself different and better. I hate that I feel overwhelmed all the time. I hate that I feel out of control. I hate that it takes almost nothing to stress me out. I hate that I am not being the wife and mom that I want to be. I hate that my family is suffering due to my depression. I hate that my house is a wreck. I hate that I do not have the energy to get it cleaned up. I hate depression. I hate that depression is robbing me of so much of my life.
I am so thankful that tomorrow is another day.
Gratitude/Happy List
I am thankful…..
410. That tomorrow is another day.
411. That my family loves me even when I am challenging to be around.
412. I get to go to bed very soon (I am so ready for today to be over).
413. That people have offered to watch V this week while I continue in the hospital program.
414. My husband has not left me and has no plans to do so.
415. That a woman at my church leant me her walking boot that she wore when she had surgery on her foot. Hopefully I will be able to be walking soon.
Then I feel back asleep for about 15 minutes. V came in and woke me up to see if I wanted to do a puzzle with her. I made myself get up and OUCH my body hurt. Not a good start. We went to do the puzzle for a few minutes and then I had to go to the bathroom. I dragged myself up (both feet hurting) and went into the bathroom. Nate is was just getting out of the shower and was frustrated that I could not wait another couple minutes. I really couldn’t wait (my body sucks). So we start the day off frustrated with each other.
I am hurt and frustrated that he did not greet me with a “Hi honey. Good morning. I t is so nice to see you” accompanied with a hello kiss. There I go again having unfair expectations.
I am crabby about my body hurting and annoyed that I am feeling depressed. Before I even got out of bed and fully woke up I was praying for a good day and already only 15 minutes into the day I was feeling crappy.
The morning continued to spiral downward. Nate and I did not communicate well. I was upset with him and couldn’t seem to get over it. I was feeling like a burden already and did not want to ask him to make me some breakfast. But I was hungry and it is very hard to cook with a sprained ankle. I had been up for about 30 minutes at this point and I was already self-loathing.
I don’t understand how my mind goes there so quickly. Nate was trying to make things better but no matter how hard he tried the damage was already done. That was so unfair to him. I knew I was being irrational but I could not seem to stop it.
I told him yesterday what I wanted to do today and he had forgotten. So when he told me that he was going to go over to my dad’s house to wash and wax the car I was upset. I forget things all the time so once again, I was not being fair to him.
He said he needed to get out of the house. I don’t blame him. The house is a huge mess. I then started to blame and dislike myself for the house being a mess. My thoughts were, “If only my ankle was not sprained and I had not been depressed forever then house would be picked up and he would not feel the need to escape.”
I went and got back into bed. I just wanted to go back to sleep. Nate put a video on for V so he could try to talk to me. He said “let’s go do what you want to do.” But I was already feeling crappy and so I said no. I kept thinking to myself “you are being irrational Carly. “ I tried to change my thoughts to positive thoughts. I tried to practice cognitive behavioral therapy and to keep my thoughts under control but I just could not seem to do it.
I don’t understand why I cannot handle the littlest things? Why do I go right to being depressed at the slightest little problem? Why do I think I suck and feel like such a burden and a loser? If I know I am being irrational why can’t I stop my thoughts and change them? Why when I try to start the day positive do I still feel down, crappy and depressed? Why do I feel the way I feel? Why can’t I pull myself out of this funk? Why can’t I apply the things I learn and change the way I think, feel and act? I feel defeated already and I have only been awake for an hour and a half.
I still just want to go back to bed. I am actually really tired. My foot/ankle hurts. I don’t want to be around anyone because I don’t feel like I can be nice to be around. I don’t want to hurt or frustrate my family anymore. I need to pull myself together and go be a good mom and wife. Carly pull yourself together damn it! Just pull yourself together.
It is several hours later and I still feel crappy. I took a nap and was determined to start over when I got up. Unfortunately the depression was still lingering.
I don’t want to feel depressed. I want to feel healthy, good, stable and normal. What the hell is wrong with me?
We had dinner with my mom and step-dad. I was very quiet throughout the dinner. I asked questions because it was easier than having them ask me questions. I did not want to start crying in the middle of a restaurant.
My mom talked about how my cousin is a very calm and easy gong mom with her new daughter. I thought to myself, “I used to be that way.” I used to be easy going and easy to be around but now I am so intense. I am irritable, irrational, unstable, and depressing. I hate that. What has happened to me? What has happened to the Carly we all knew and loved?
I remember in 1998 when a teacher that I really enjoyed and respected told me that I was too intense and that I needed to relax. That comment upset me so much because I knew it was true. It was another period in my life when I was struggling with depression. I was not the relaxed easy going person that I liked to be. I hated the way I was feeling and acting just like I hate how I am now.
Hate is a strong word. I don’t usually like to use it at all. But lately hate is what I have been feeling. I hate how I feel. I hate how I am acting. I hate not knowing how to make myself different and better. I hate that I feel overwhelmed all the time. I hate that I feel out of control. I hate that it takes almost nothing to stress me out. I hate that I am not being the wife and mom that I want to be. I hate that my family is suffering due to my depression. I hate that my house is a wreck. I hate that I do not have the energy to get it cleaned up. I hate depression. I hate that depression is robbing me of so much of my life.
I am so thankful that tomorrow is another day.
Gratitude/Happy List
I am thankful…..
410. That tomorrow is another day.
411. That my family loves me even when I am challenging to be around.
412. I get to go to bed very soon (I am so ready for today to be over).
413. That people have offered to watch V this week while I continue in the hospital program.
414. My husband has not left me and has no plans to do so.
415. That a woman at my church leant me her walking boot that she wore when she had surgery on her foot. Hopefully I will be able to be walking soon.
Sunday, September 5, 2010
I Choose You Lord
Today was a bit better than yesterday. Not quite so many tears. Actually I only cried in church and they were tears of joy and peace. However, I have been in a lot of physically pain. My sprained ankle is bothering me as well as many other body parts due to the Fibromyalgia.
My family (hubby and daughter) are so wonderful. I have gotten so many fabulous hugs and kisses today that my physical touch love tank is overflowing. V gives the most adorable, sweet and loving hugs and kisses.
A couple of weeks ago in church I felt God challenging me with this question; “Will you still choose to love and serve me even if I don’t heal you?” I was pissed off by the question.
I had been spending a lot of time praying but God showed me that most of my prayers had been selfish. I had been asking for strength, help, and healing and not much else. I had not been praying and reading Scripture because I wanted to spend time with Him. Instead I had been going to Him to have Him help me make it through my days. God does want us to go to Him with our problems and ask Him for help. However, He also wants us to go to him just because we love him and want to be in his presence.
God really challenged me with that. He wanted to know what was more important, me being healed or me simply knowing Him? Was I willing to say that I wanted a relationship with God more than I wanted to be healed? No I was not, at least not that Sunday.
On that Sunday God reminded me of the story about the time God asked Abraham to take his only son (the son that he had waited years for, he was over 100 years old when he had Isaac) and offer him as a sacrifice. In the Old Testament before Jesus came to earth and died on the cross, people offered animals (usually lambs or goats) to God as sacrifices to atone for their sins. In this story God wanted to see who Abraham loved more, Him or his son Isaac. Just as Abraham was about to sacrifice his son God told him to STOP! It was a test of Abraham’s faith. God never intended for Abraham to kill Isaac. I felt like God showed me this story to illustrate to me his question for me. Did I care more about getting healthy and no longer suffering from depression than I cared about God himself? Again this question pissed me off. I felt like I should not have to choose between God and my health.
The Sunday God challenged me with this question was August 15th. It has been 3 weeks since then. I remember crying throughout worship because I was not ready to say “Yes Lord I choose you no matter what. Even if I stay depressed and suffer from Fibromyalgia I will still choose to love and serve you.”
Well today I was ready. I humbly prayed to God during worship, “I choose you Lord. I choose you. Even if I stay sick I still choose you. I don’t know how I will make it through but I know that with you I can do anything. I choose you Lord. I choose you.” I meant that prayer. I still do. I don’t believe that God wants me to stay depressed but I do believe that he wants me to want Him more than I want anything else, including health.
It felt good to surrender myself to God. It felt peaceful and right.
I read my daughter books before she went to bed tonight. We read from The Jesus Storybook Bible which is one of our favorites. The story that I happened to open up to was the story about when God asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac.
A section from the story states,
“God helped Abraham and Isaac understand something. God wanted his people to live, not die. God wanted to rescue his people, not punish them. But they must trust him.
‘One day Someone will be born into your family,’ God promised them. ‘And he will bring happiness to the whole world.’
God was getting ready to give the whole world a wonderful present. It would be God’s way to tell his people, ‘I love you.”…
Who was he? God’s Son (Jesus), his only Son—the Son he loved. The Lamb of God.”
Thank you Lord for your one and only Son Jesus, the Lamb of God.
I do not think that my turning to this story was ironic or a coincidence. I think it was God blessing me. I think it was God patting me on the back saying “well done my good and faithful servant.” It was God confirming His love for me and that He truly is always with me.
At some point today God reminded me of a worship song that I love. I love the music and I love singing it but most of all I love the words. The song is Blessed Be Your Name by Tree63. The words are as follows;
Blessed Be Your Name
Blessed be your name
In the land that is plentiful
Where the streams of abundance flow
Blessed be your name
Blessed be your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed be your name
Every blessing you pour out,
I turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say...
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your glorious name
Blessed be your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's all as it should be
Blessed be your name
Blessed be your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be your name
Every blessing you pour out,
I turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say...
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your glorious name
You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, Blessed be your name
I just love this song. I often times belt it out in the car forcing myself to truly mean the words “Blessed be your name on the road marked with suffering, though there's pain in the offering, Blessed be your name!”
What I thought about today and have many times before is that sometimes we have to choose to praise and bless God even though we don’t feel like it. Well, we don’t have to, but we can choose to because God is always worthy of our praise. For me singing this song is often an act of surrender. It is me saying, even though things suck right now, I am still going to choose to bless your name.
I felt like this morning in church was an act of surrender. And as I said above, it felt peaceful and right.
My family (hubby and daughter) are so wonderful. I have gotten so many fabulous hugs and kisses today that my physical touch love tank is overflowing. V gives the most adorable, sweet and loving hugs and kisses.
A couple of weeks ago in church I felt God challenging me with this question; “Will you still choose to love and serve me even if I don’t heal you?” I was pissed off by the question.
I had been spending a lot of time praying but God showed me that most of my prayers had been selfish. I had been asking for strength, help, and healing and not much else. I had not been praying and reading Scripture because I wanted to spend time with Him. Instead I had been going to Him to have Him help me make it through my days. God does want us to go to Him with our problems and ask Him for help. However, He also wants us to go to him just because we love him and want to be in his presence.
God really challenged me with that. He wanted to know what was more important, me being healed or me simply knowing Him? Was I willing to say that I wanted a relationship with God more than I wanted to be healed? No I was not, at least not that Sunday.
On that Sunday God reminded me of the story about the time God asked Abraham to take his only son (the son that he had waited years for, he was over 100 years old when he had Isaac) and offer him as a sacrifice. In the Old Testament before Jesus came to earth and died on the cross, people offered animals (usually lambs or goats) to God as sacrifices to atone for their sins. In this story God wanted to see who Abraham loved more, Him or his son Isaac. Just as Abraham was about to sacrifice his son God told him to STOP! It was a test of Abraham’s faith. God never intended for Abraham to kill Isaac. I felt like God showed me this story to illustrate to me his question for me. Did I care more about getting healthy and no longer suffering from depression than I cared about God himself? Again this question pissed me off. I felt like I should not have to choose between God and my health.
The Sunday God challenged me with this question was August 15th. It has been 3 weeks since then. I remember crying throughout worship because I was not ready to say “Yes Lord I choose you no matter what. Even if I stay depressed and suffer from Fibromyalgia I will still choose to love and serve you.”
Well today I was ready. I humbly prayed to God during worship, “I choose you Lord. I choose you. Even if I stay sick I still choose you. I don’t know how I will make it through but I know that with you I can do anything. I choose you Lord. I choose you.” I meant that prayer. I still do. I don’t believe that God wants me to stay depressed but I do believe that he wants me to want Him more than I want anything else, including health.
It felt good to surrender myself to God. It felt peaceful and right.
I read my daughter books before she went to bed tonight. We read from The Jesus Storybook Bible which is one of our favorites. The story that I happened to open up to was the story about when God asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac.
A section from the story states,
“God helped Abraham and Isaac understand something. God wanted his people to live, not die. God wanted to rescue his people, not punish them. But they must trust him.
‘One day Someone will be born into your family,’ God promised them. ‘And he will bring happiness to the whole world.’
God was getting ready to give the whole world a wonderful present. It would be God’s way to tell his people, ‘I love you.”…
Who was he? God’s Son (Jesus), his only Son—the Son he loved. The Lamb of God.”
Thank you Lord for your one and only Son Jesus, the Lamb of God.
I do not think that my turning to this story was ironic or a coincidence. I think it was God blessing me. I think it was God patting me on the back saying “well done my good and faithful servant.” It was God confirming His love for me and that He truly is always with me.
At some point today God reminded me of a worship song that I love. I love the music and I love singing it but most of all I love the words. The song is Blessed Be Your Name by Tree63. The words are as follows;
Blessed Be Your Name
Blessed be your name
In the land that is plentiful
Where the streams of abundance flow
Blessed be your name
Blessed be your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed be your name
Every blessing you pour out,
I turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say...
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your glorious name
Blessed be your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's all as it should be
Blessed be your name
Blessed be your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be your name
Every blessing you pour out,
I turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say...
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your glorious name
You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, Blessed be your name
I just love this song. I often times belt it out in the car forcing myself to truly mean the words “Blessed be your name on the road marked with suffering, though there's pain in the offering, Blessed be your name!”
What I thought about today and have many times before is that sometimes we have to choose to praise and bless God even though we don’t feel like it. Well, we don’t have to, but we can choose to because God is always worthy of our praise. For me singing this song is often an act of surrender. It is me saying, even though things suck right now, I am still going to choose to bless your name.
I felt like this morning in church was an act of surrender. And as I said above, it felt peaceful and right.
Saturday, September 4, 2010
Sanity
Today has been really tough. I have cried at least four different times. I don’t understand the way I feel. I don’t understand why I am still struggling. I just can’t seem to handle even the slightest bit of stress. Life is full of stress so something is going to have to change. Sometimes I feel like I am losing my mind. I hate that.
It is one thing to spend the day at a program that focuses on getting healthy emotionally and mentally and have a really good day. It is totally different to be at home with all of life’s responsibilities, a challenging 3 year-old and I wonderful husband that I feel like I am constantly letting down. I pray and try to keep my thoughts positive and sane and for some reason I am STILL having such a hard time functioning. I don’t understand it. I cannot seem to function in the “real world”.
My depression and my anxiety seem to consume all of me and as hard as I try I can’t seem to break free from it. I just want to be normal and sane. I don’t need to be happy or fabulous. I just don’t want to feel overwhelmed and like I am “losing it” all of the time.
Tomorrow is another day. I sure hope I feel better. I hope I can control my emotions and thoughts better. I think I will focus on all I have to be thankful for.
Happy List (I am so grateful for……)
391. My wonderful hubby and daughter
392. Jesus is always with me
393. Feeling good on Friday
394. Got some info on Fibromyalgia and Adult Children of Alcoholics support groups
395. God is AWESOME
396. I am healing (not as quickly as I would like but I am healing)
397. I am not suicidal (there are many people who are and it breaks my heart!)
398. This world (earth) is not my final destination. I have heaven to look forward too.
399. My parents truly love me
400. WOW I have 400 things I am grateful for (granted some have been repeats)
401. Nurse G
402. I am not afraid to ask for help with my depression.
403. I felt full of joy on Friday
404. My blog has been helpful to other people
405. V gives great hugs and kisses
406. Laughter
407. Forgiveness
408. Rebecca
409. V’s adorable friends
It is one thing to spend the day at a program that focuses on getting healthy emotionally and mentally and have a really good day. It is totally different to be at home with all of life’s responsibilities, a challenging 3 year-old and I wonderful husband that I feel like I am constantly letting down. I pray and try to keep my thoughts positive and sane and for some reason I am STILL having such a hard time functioning. I don’t understand it. I cannot seem to function in the “real world”.
My depression and my anxiety seem to consume all of me and as hard as I try I can’t seem to break free from it. I just want to be normal and sane. I don’t need to be happy or fabulous. I just don’t want to feel overwhelmed and like I am “losing it” all of the time.
Tomorrow is another day. I sure hope I feel better. I hope I can control my emotions and thoughts better. I think I will focus on all I have to be thankful for.
Happy List (I am so grateful for……)
391. My wonderful hubby and daughter
392. Jesus is always with me
393. Feeling good on Friday
394. Got some info on Fibromyalgia and Adult Children of Alcoholics support groups
395. God is AWESOME
396. I am healing (not as quickly as I would like but I am healing)
397. I am not suicidal (there are many people who are and it breaks my heart!)
398. This world (earth) is not my final destination. I have heaven to look forward too.
399. My parents truly love me
400. WOW I have 400 things I am grateful for (granted some have been repeats)
401. Nurse G
402. I am not afraid to ask for help with my depression.
403. I felt full of joy on Friday
404. My blog has been helpful to other people
405. V gives great hugs and kisses
406. Laughter
407. Forgiveness
408. Rebecca
409. V’s adorable friends
Friday, September 3, 2010
Feels Good
I am feeling much better today. There were certainly a lot less tears.
I am frustrated with myself because instead of starting to write an hour ago like I had planned I spent an hour getting lost on my friends beautiful (full of photos and fun) blog. So now I am tired and I am not sure how much energy I have to write.
Anyway…..I saw the psychiatrist at the hospital day program that I am attending and was frustrated further when I found out that she planned to have me discharged today so that I could meet with another psychiatrist (the doc who did my ECT treatments) on Tuesday (since Monday is Labor day) and then immediately start ECT.
WAIT A MINUTE!!!!
I did not agree to that nor do I feel like it is the right course of action. Thankfully I was not as tearful today and was able to convey my thoughts and feelings clearly. I do not want to do more ECT right now. I want to stay in the program and learn as much as I can about myself, my illness and how I can continue to get healthy. I also want to give the new medicine more time to work. And if this one does not work I would like to try more medication combinations before I go right back to ECT.
I expressed my frustration to the nurse (nurse G) in the program. It felt great to be able to express myself clearly. Nurse G was very happy to see me feeling better today. She said that I seemed liked a different person. Yes, I agree. I am a different person when I am not depressed. It is not me to be blah, sad, negative, hopeless, and feeling like I wanted to give up. I am an optimistic, positive, fun, spunky and hopeful person who believes that God has a plan for my life.
I have to admit that I was a bit annoyed that everyone was so worried about me crying so much yesterday. This in an intense program where the staff works aggressively to try to help the patients get well so that they can go on with their lives and live life well. I know that there is no way that I was the first person who cried most of the day.
Oh well, no big deal. It is also the job of the staff to watch us closely to make sure that we (the patients) are not going to hurt ourselves or anyone else. I understand that.
I am just glad that I was able to clearly lay out what I do and do not want as far as my treatment goes. I may be struggling with depression and feel like I am crazy at times but I am not crazy. I do have a good idea of what is best for me and my treatment. And thank goodness they listened. If they had not listened to me I think Nate may have marched in there and given the psychiatrist a piece of his (and my) mind. I sure love my man. He is the best.
I felt like me today. I felt like I was capable of helping others and not simply hanging on myself. Part of group therapy is sharing with one another our struggles as well as wisdom that we have gleaned from our experiences. I have been through a lot of crap. I have dealt with depression for over a decade. It felt great to be able to encourage some of the other folks in the program in their journey to wellness.
One of the things that I hate the most about depression is that it is so self focused. I hate that. I don’t want to be a selfish person. I want to be a giving, sharing and helpful person who serves others rather than draining them. I want to be like Jesus. He was a servant who truly loved all the people he came in contact with. He did not judge them. He loved them and met their needs. (I am not saying that God does not have standards and that Jesus condoned bad behavior. He did however; love the person no matter what kind life they had lived.)
Well that is enough for now. I am tired and I am not sure what else I want to write about. There is so much to say but I am not sure how to organize it. I think that is a sign that I need to go to bed.
I do want to say thank you to all of you who read my blog and who are walking with me on this journey to health. I hope and pray that others are blessed by my honesty. I think one of the worst parts about depression is that those of us who have this illness feel like we are all alone.
Many people are afraid to tell others they are struggling for fear of being seen as weak or lazy. There is still a stigma out there about mental illness. Not only is it therapeutic for me to write about my journey but I hope that it educates others about the fact that depression truly is a disease. I would love to shout from the mountain tops to all the depressed folks that they are NOT ALONE in their suffering. And to everyone else; WE ARE NOT WEAK, we are just hurting and we need your support and not your criticism.
It takes a lot of hard work to heal from depression. There is not magic pill to take. Medication is an important part treating depression. Medication can help the brain start functioning correctly again. But there are also a lot of lifestyle changes that need to be made. I (we) need to learn to love and forgive ourselves. I (we) need to choose to think positively and NOT allow negative thoughts invade our minds. We must bravely choose to face the events of our past that may have contributed to our illness. Those of us who are fighting depression are extremely courageous. If you are struggling with depression (whoever you may be) you are not alone, you are extremely brave, and you will make it through this!
I am frustrated with myself because instead of starting to write an hour ago like I had planned I spent an hour getting lost on my friends beautiful (full of photos and fun) blog. So now I am tired and I am not sure how much energy I have to write.
Anyway…..I saw the psychiatrist at the hospital day program that I am attending and was frustrated further when I found out that she planned to have me discharged today so that I could meet with another psychiatrist (the doc who did my ECT treatments) on Tuesday (since Monday is Labor day) and then immediately start ECT.
WAIT A MINUTE!!!!
I did not agree to that nor do I feel like it is the right course of action. Thankfully I was not as tearful today and was able to convey my thoughts and feelings clearly. I do not want to do more ECT right now. I want to stay in the program and learn as much as I can about myself, my illness and how I can continue to get healthy. I also want to give the new medicine more time to work. And if this one does not work I would like to try more medication combinations before I go right back to ECT.
I expressed my frustration to the nurse (nurse G) in the program. It felt great to be able to express myself clearly. Nurse G was very happy to see me feeling better today. She said that I seemed liked a different person. Yes, I agree. I am a different person when I am not depressed. It is not me to be blah, sad, negative, hopeless, and feeling like I wanted to give up. I am an optimistic, positive, fun, spunky and hopeful person who believes that God has a plan for my life.
I have to admit that I was a bit annoyed that everyone was so worried about me crying so much yesterday. This in an intense program where the staff works aggressively to try to help the patients get well so that they can go on with their lives and live life well. I know that there is no way that I was the first person who cried most of the day.
Oh well, no big deal. It is also the job of the staff to watch us closely to make sure that we (the patients) are not going to hurt ourselves or anyone else. I understand that.
I am just glad that I was able to clearly lay out what I do and do not want as far as my treatment goes. I may be struggling with depression and feel like I am crazy at times but I am not crazy. I do have a good idea of what is best for me and my treatment. And thank goodness they listened. If they had not listened to me I think Nate may have marched in there and given the psychiatrist a piece of his (and my) mind. I sure love my man. He is the best.
I felt like me today. I felt like I was capable of helping others and not simply hanging on myself. Part of group therapy is sharing with one another our struggles as well as wisdom that we have gleaned from our experiences. I have been through a lot of crap. I have dealt with depression for over a decade. It felt great to be able to encourage some of the other folks in the program in their journey to wellness.
One of the things that I hate the most about depression is that it is so self focused. I hate that. I don’t want to be a selfish person. I want to be a giving, sharing and helpful person who serves others rather than draining them. I want to be like Jesus. He was a servant who truly loved all the people he came in contact with. He did not judge them. He loved them and met their needs. (I am not saying that God does not have standards and that Jesus condoned bad behavior. He did however; love the person no matter what kind life they had lived.)
Well that is enough for now. I am tired and I am not sure what else I want to write about. There is so much to say but I am not sure how to organize it. I think that is a sign that I need to go to bed.
I do want to say thank you to all of you who read my blog and who are walking with me on this journey to health. I hope and pray that others are blessed by my honesty. I think one of the worst parts about depression is that those of us who have this illness feel like we are all alone.
Many people are afraid to tell others they are struggling for fear of being seen as weak or lazy. There is still a stigma out there about mental illness. Not only is it therapeutic for me to write about my journey but I hope that it educates others about the fact that depression truly is a disease. I would love to shout from the mountain tops to all the depressed folks that they are NOT ALONE in their suffering. And to everyone else; WE ARE NOT WEAK, we are just hurting and we need your support and not your criticism.
It takes a lot of hard work to heal from depression. There is not magic pill to take. Medication is an important part treating depression. Medication can help the brain start functioning correctly again. But there are also a lot of lifestyle changes that need to be made. I (we) need to learn to love and forgive ourselves. I (we) need to choose to think positively and NOT allow negative thoughts invade our minds. We must bravely choose to face the events of our past that may have contributed to our illness. Those of us who are fighting depression are extremely courageous. If you are struggling with depression (whoever you may be) you are not alone, you are extremely brave, and you will make it through this!
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Thoughts
I feel the need to write even though I already wrote once today. I am feeling unsettled. But first my gratitude list:
Happy List, I am so thankful for...
366. Getting a roll-about (knee scooter) so that I do not have to use crutches anymore!
367. Feeling less depressed
368. Helpful doctors
369. Blogging
370. My friend is being honored in a wonderful way and is going to have her talent displayed for many people to see.
371. V’s Nana and Dziadek (Ja Ja) got a clubhouse and small pool for her to play in when she is at their house.
372. The Footprints in the Sand poem
373. My parents have been helping a lot since I sprained my ankle (and throughout the depression struggle)
374. V’s pediatrician’s office is great
375. Good health insurance that is making it possible for me to attend the partial-hospitalization program for depression and anxiety.
376. Great phone date with cherished friend the other night
377. So many wonderful friends are helping watch V while I go to the day program
378. V has SO many people who love her
379. My Jesus Calling devotional book rocks!
380. God is so very close to me right now
381. Laughing with my daughter
382. Learning new stress relief techniques
383. Ice….it is helping my ouchy foot
384. God is ALWAYS with me
385. V is very healthy
386. Nate is incredibly faithful and supportive. I am so blessed to have him.
387. We have air conditioning
388. My church family and other friends and are praying for me every day. Thank you!
389. The activity therapist in the program I am in does an excellent job coming up with creative activities to help us heal.
390. The dedicated caring people who run the program that I am attending.
391. I have the Holy Spirit living in me giving me strength and power every day. (Be strong in the Lord and in His mighty power. –Ephesians 6:10)
So why am I unsettled? Irritable? Struggling? I don’t know exactly. I am frustrated that the psychiatrist at the hospital program who thinks that since we have tried all the medications that ECT is our only hope. I am not totally against ECT but I don’t think it is our only hope. I think we can try different combinations of medications. I (we) know that one anti-depressant medication does not alleviate my depression. I used to take two that worked well together. They stopped working. But we can try other combinations.
Or……..maybe I do have some deep buried issue that needs to be resolved that is the cause of my depression. I don’t know. I do know that I am willing to do whatever (and I really mean whatever) it takes to get healthy.
Someone said something interesting to me today. The nurse (at the program) suggested that I need to work on forgiveness. I told her that I am pretty good at forgiving people. She said yes, but that I needed to work on forgiving myself. Interesting. I am not very easy on myself. In fact I am quite critical of myself. I like myself. I like the non depressed Carly. I think I am mad at myself for being depressed. Maybe I need to forgive myself for being sick. I think I blame myself for my Fibromyalgia too. I need to forgive myself for that and all of the other things that I think I need to be doing but am not doing. God tells us to forgive others but I have not really put that into practice with myself. Interesting.
I compare myself to others too much. I compare myself to the moms who are healthy (who don’t have fibromyalgia and depression) and I am so hard on myself because I am not doing half of what they are doing. But the truth is; I am doing the best that I can. I am a good mom and a pretty good wife. I would like to be doing more with my life. However, if I am able to love and know God, and be a good wife and mom than I think I am doing ok. I need to learn to be ok with that.
God loves me for exactly who I am not what I do. He is ok with me just being me. I don’t have to be “doing” things to earn his love. He loves me because I am his child, his masterpiece that he created, and because I am Carly Rachel Pastuszka Zechar.
I need to learn to be ok with just “being”. That is a difficult thing to do because everyone around me is “doing”. Society and people judge others by their accomplishments. But honestly, when V looks back on her childhood is she going to care more about all the “stuff” I did or about who I was? Is she going to remember if the house was clean or if I sat and played with her every day? I would like to do both but I need to learn to be ok with what I can do. I need to learn to be ok with who I am within the limitations I have due to my health. This is much easier said than done.
The activity therapist at the hospital program I am in had us do a really neat activity. She had us make a tool kit for self repair. The kit included a hammer (things to do to take care of myself physically), screwdriver (things that bring peace), pliers (creative expression), wrench (my support system), level (my hobbies and talents), scrapper (ways I help others), and duct tape (positive affirmations about myself). She had cut out each of these tools and had us write about things in the above categories on them. The idea is that when we are struggling we can go back to this tool kit and be reminded of what we can do to help ourselves, how we help others, what we like to do and how great we really are.
I had a hard time filing in the scrapper which was ways that I help others. I have felt so useless lately. But there are things that I give to others. I am always willing to give a hug, an encouraging word, a compliment, sympathy, my love, wisdom and big smile. I wish I did more for others but I suppose that will have to be enough right now.
I also realized that I need to come up with some new hobbies and cultivate some new talents. Many of the hobbies I had are no longer possible due to my health (running, snowboarding, hiking and camping). I have always wanted to learn to play the guitar. Maybe I could do that.
I was also very grateful that I had several names of people to fill in on my wrench (my support system). I am very blessed to have such wonderful people in my life. When I think about it…..I would not have such great people in my life if I was not pretty great also. We (people) tend to pick friends who are of the same caliber as we are. I have some awesome friends. So if I look at that objectively, it is logical that I must be a pretty darn good friend too. I don’t feel like I am but I must be otherwise I would not have such excellent friends.
I would like to find some more creative outlets. I also need to find some extra energy to explore those outlets but one thing at a time I suppose. Baby steps Carly, one step at a time.
The activity therapist also had us make a grief and loss chart. I am realizing that I have not really looked at my poor health (fibromyalgia and depression) as a loss. But it truly is and I need to grieve that loss. I have felt silly and selfish for being sad about not being able to run or snow board anymore. After all it is not like I have cancer or anything. But the truth is that many of my dreams are no longer possible (at least right now) because of my health. That is a HUGE loss that I need to grieve.
I am just starting to let myself get angry about this loss. I am pissed off that I cannot do what I used to do, that I cannot do many of the things that I loved doing. I am pissed that I cannot run around in the park with V without being in tremendous pain. I am pissed that we cannot go on long camping trips because my body can’t handle sleeping on anything other than our special bed with it’s special fibromyalgia specific padding (the Cuddle Ewe). I am pissed that both depression and fibromyalgia have robbed me of so much energy. Energy that I could have used to visit friends, do things with my family, work a job and contribute financially, have more babies, be involved in youth ministry (which is something that I was extremely passionate about) and be the person I want to be.
I have such limited energy and that pisses me off. I feel like I have so little energy that needs to be spread so very far. Oh well. Again, I need to learn to be ok with myself. I need to learn to be ok with the limitations that I have and enjoy everything that I can do. I have so much to be grateful for. I am truly a blessed woman.
A prayer to the awesome God I choose to serve:
“God you are truly good and loving. Thank you for blessing me with my family and friends. Thank you for loving me so completely. I believe that you are in the process of healing me and that I will be healed. I believe that I am your child whom you will never leave or forsake. Thank you for giving me the courage to face this darn depression. Please continue to give me the strength to move forward with this healing process. Please give my doctors wisdom and ideas on how to treat my illness. I trust you Lord. I trust that you have plans for me, big plans, and exciting plans and that the suffering I am enduring right now is not for nothing. I choose to praise you even when I don’t feel like it. I choose to praise you because you are always worthy of praise. You are the victorious glorious God, the king of all kings, the Lord of Lords, and the one true God. Thank you God for all that” you have given me and done for me. It is in the name of Jesus that I pray.”
Happy List, I am so thankful for...
366. Getting a roll-about (knee scooter) so that I do not have to use crutches anymore!
367. Feeling less depressed
368. Helpful doctors
369. Blogging
370. My friend is being honored in a wonderful way and is going to have her talent displayed for many people to see.
371. V’s Nana and Dziadek (Ja Ja) got a clubhouse and small pool for her to play in when she is at their house.
372. The Footprints in the Sand poem
373. My parents have been helping a lot since I sprained my ankle (and throughout the depression struggle)
374. V’s pediatrician’s office is great
375. Good health insurance that is making it possible for me to attend the partial-hospitalization program for depression and anxiety.
376. Great phone date with cherished friend the other night
377. So many wonderful friends are helping watch V while I go to the day program
378. V has SO many people who love her
379. My Jesus Calling devotional book rocks!
380. God is so very close to me right now
381. Laughing with my daughter
382. Learning new stress relief techniques
383. Ice….it is helping my ouchy foot
384. God is ALWAYS with me
385. V is very healthy
386. Nate is incredibly faithful and supportive. I am so blessed to have him.
387. We have air conditioning
388. My church family and other friends and are praying for me every day. Thank you!
389. The activity therapist in the program I am in does an excellent job coming up with creative activities to help us heal.
390. The dedicated caring people who run the program that I am attending.
391. I have the Holy Spirit living in me giving me strength and power every day. (Be strong in the Lord and in His mighty power. –Ephesians 6:10)
So why am I unsettled? Irritable? Struggling? I don’t know exactly. I am frustrated that the psychiatrist at the hospital program who thinks that since we have tried all the medications that ECT is our only hope. I am not totally against ECT but I don’t think it is our only hope. I think we can try different combinations of medications. I (we) know that one anti-depressant medication does not alleviate my depression. I used to take two that worked well together. They stopped working. But we can try other combinations.
Or……..maybe I do have some deep buried issue that needs to be resolved that is the cause of my depression. I don’t know. I do know that I am willing to do whatever (and I really mean whatever) it takes to get healthy.
Someone said something interesting to me today. The nurse (at the program) suggested that I need to work on forgiveness. I told her that I am pretty good at forgiving people. She said yes, but that I needed to work on forgiving myself. Interesting. I am not very easy on myself. In fact I am quite critical of myself. I like myself. I like the non depressed Carly. I think I am mad at myself for being depressed. Maybe I need to forgive myself for being sick. I think I blame myself for my Fibromyalgia too. I need to forgive myself for that and all of the other things that I think I need to be doing but am not doing. God tells us to forgive others but I have not really put that into practice with myself. Interesting.
I compare myself to others too much. I compare myself to the moms who are healthy (who don’t have fibromyalgia and depression) and I am so hard on myself because I am not doing half of what they are doing. But the truth is; I am doing the best that I can. I am a good mom and a pretty good wife. I would like to be doing more with my life. However, if I am able to love and know God, and be a good wife and mom than I think I am doing ok. I need to learn to be ok with that.
God loves me for exactly who I am not what I do. He is ok with me just being me. I don’t have to be “doing” things to earn his love. He loves me because I am his child, his masterpiece that he created, and because I am Carly Rachel Pastuszka Zechar.
I need to learn to be ok with just “being”. That is a difficult thing to do because everyone around me is “doing”. Society and people judge others by their accomplishments. But honestly, when V looks back on her childhood is she going to care more about all the “stuff” I did or about who I was? Is she going to remember if the house was clean or if I sat and played with her every day? I would like to do both but I need to learn to be ok with what I can do. I need to learn to be ok with who I am within the limitations I have due to my health. This is much easier said than done.
The activity therapist at the hospital program I am in had us do a really neat activity. She had us make a tool kit for self repair. The kit included a hammer (things to do to take care of myself physically), screwdriver (things that bring peace), pliers (creative expression), wrench (my support system), level (my hobbies and talents), scrapper (ways I help others), and duct tape (positive affirmations about myself). She had cut out each of these tools and had us write about things in the above categories on them. The idea is that when we are struggling we can go back to this tool kit and be reminded of what we can do to help ourselves, how we help others, what we like to do and how great we really are.
I had a hard time filing in the scrapper which was ways that I help others. I have felt so useless lately. But there are things that I give to others. I am always willing to give a hug, an encouraging word, a compliment, sympathy, my love, wisdom and big smile. I wish I did more for others but I suppose that will have to be enough right now.
I also realized that I need to come up with some new hobbies and cultivate some new talents. Many of the hobbies I had are no longer possible due to my health (running, snowboarding, hiking and camping). I have always wanted to learn to play the guitar. Maybe I could do that.
I was also very grateful that I had several names of people to fill in on my wrench (my support system). I am very blessed to have such wonderful people in my life. When I think about it…..I would not have such great people in my life if I was not pretty great also. We (people) tend to pick friends who are of the same caliber as we are. I have some awesome friends. So if I look at that objectively, it is logical that I must be a pretty darn good friend too. I don’t feel like I am but I must be otherwise I would not have such excellent friends.
I would like to find some more creative outlets. I also need to find some extra energy to explore those outlets but one thing at a time I suppose. Baby steps Carly, one step at a time.
The activity therapist also had us make a grief and loss chart. I am realizing that I have not really looked at my poor health (fibromyalgia and depression) as a loss. But it truly is and I need to grieve that loss. I have felt silly and selfish for being sad about not being able to run or snow board anymore. After all it is not like I have cancer or anything. But the truth is that many of my dreams are no longer possible (at least right now) because of my health. That is a HUGE loss that I need to grieve.
I am just starting to let myself get angry about this loss. I am pissed off that I cannot do what I used to do, that I cannot do many of the things that I loved doing. I am pissed that I cannot run around in the park with V without being in tremendous pain. I am pissed that we cannot go on long camping trips because my body can’t handle sleeping on anything other than our special bed with it’s special fibromyalgia specific padding (the Cuddle Ewe). I am pissed that both depression and fibromyalgia have robbed me of so much energy. Energy that I could have used to visit friends, do things with my family, work a job and contribute financially, have more babies, be involved in youth ministry (which is something that I was extremely passionate about) and be the person I want to be.
I have such limited energy and that pisses me off. I feel like I have so little energy that needs to be spread so very far. Oh well. Again, I need to learn to be ok with myself. I need to learn to be ok with the limitations that I have and enjoy everything that I can do. I have so much to be grateful for. I am truly a blessed woman.
A prayer to the awesome God I choose to serve:
“God you are truly good and loving. Thank you for blessing me with my family and friends. Thank you for loving me so completely. I believe that you are in the process of healing me and that I will be healed. I believe that I am your child whom you will never leave or forsake. Thank you for giving me the courage to face this darn depression. Please continue to give me the strength to move forward with this healing process. Please give my doctors wisdom and ideas on how to treat my illness. I trust you Lord. I trust that you have plans for me, big plans, and exciting plans and that the suffering I am enduring right now is not for nothing. I choose to praise you even when I don’t feel like it. I choose to praise you because you are always worthy of praise. You are the victorious glorious God, the king of all kings, the Lord of Lords, and the one true God. Thank you God for all that” you have given me and done for me. It is in the name of Jesus that I pray.”
Not Alone
I cannot believe that it is September. I thought that I would for sure be better by June. I hoped for May but by June for sure. Here we are three months later. I am still struggling with and fighting depression. I have not given up but I am weary. I am so tired.
I started a partial-hospitalization program at Sparrow this week. It is intense. It is called an intensive program so by nature it is supposed to be intense. It is pretty tough coming home to the responsibilities of being a wife, mom and home owner. I have very little energy and not much to give (at least it feels that way). But that is life. I cannot press the pause button just because I am struggling with depression AGAIN.
I cried from about 9:15 am until 1:00 pm today. I think I worried the program people. The psychiatrists (a new one and the old one who did my ECT before) want to do more ECT. I don’t know what I think about that. Nate and I don’t feel they worked that well. However the doctor reminded me that at the time of the treatments I reported that I was feeling better. They did help at the time but I need a long term solution (treatment) to this stinking problem (illness). I (and Nate) am not sure if it is worth the money and possible memory loss to do more ECT. The psychiatrist explained that some people need to have maintenance ECT done, like one every month. That seems like an awful lot of brain shocking to me. I am not ready to jump back into that means of treatment yet. We shall see.
The psychologist in charge of the program is pushy. I suppose that is a good thing. If they are going to help you in five days they need to push their way into your problems so they can help you deal with them. He has pissed me off a couple of times. That’s ok. What I don’t like is that I feel he is rushing me. I also feel like sometimes he jumps to conclusions and does not fully listen to me. It is group therapy so to some extent he needs to “rush” me to keep things moving so that all the folks get their time to share. He suggested that maybe since the medicine and ECT have not worked that I have deeper “issues” that I need to deal with. Great! I would love to be off medicine and not have more ECT. What are the issues? Please tell me so I can deal with them. It is too bad that it is not that easy. It is interesting that the psychologist and the psychiatrist are thinking two different things. I don’t know what to think. I know that I am sick and that I desperately want to be well.
I also know that God is with me. I know that he has been with me every step of the way. Today in one of our groups the leader asked me to address a statement made by a patient because she thought I was more spiritual than her. He was saying that he would like to feel close to God again. I tried my best to explain that I think that God is always with us. His word, the holy Scriptures tell us that He will never leave or forsake us. I also said that I totally understood how he feels and that I have been angry at God at times. I don’t understand exactly why I have been suffering so much or why this man has either but I do KNOW that God is with me right now and has not left me for one minute. I asked him if he had ever heard of the Footsteps poem. I talked about how in the poem the person sees only one set of footsteps and thinks that God has left him. In reality God had been carrying him during those difficult times. I just looked it up on line so I could print it off for him. I think it is very poignant and full of truth. I have included it below.
Footprints in the Sand
One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord. Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.
In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand. Sometimes there were two sets of footprints, other times there was one only.
This bothered me because I noticed that during the low periods of my life, when I was suffering from anguish, sorrow or defeat, I could see only one set of footprints, so I said to the Lord,
“You promised me Lord, that if I followed you, you would walk with me always.
But I have noticed that during the most trying periods of my life there has only been one set of footprints in the sand. Why, when I needed you most, have you not been there for me?”
The Lord replied, “The years when you have seen only one set of footprints, my child, is when I carried you.”
Mary Stevenson, 1936
We later talked about how God will use what we are going through to help others some day. I know that God can use the most terrible parts of our life and turn them into something good, like us helping someone else who is hurting. However, I don’t think that we (I) should tell someone that when they are in the middle of their suffering. It is not helpful and can often be hurtful. When you feel like shit you just want someone to listen to you or hug you and NOT tell you how God will use it for good one day. When we are in the middle of a storm all we see is the dark cloud, raging wind, roaring waves, sharp lightening, and pounding rain. Later after the storm has calmed down and the sun peaks out from behind the clouds is when we are ready to see the rainbow. It is then and only then that we are able to learn about how God can bring good out of our suffering.
So now what? I am in this program. I am eager to get well. God is with me. I am not alone. ECT or no ECT? I just don’t know. I suppose God knows. What I do know is that I am READY TO BE BETTER.
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you," declares the LORD, "and will bring you back from captivity."
--Jeremiah 29:11-14 (New International Version)
I started a partial-hospitalization program at Sparrow this week. It is intense. It is called an intensive program so by nature it is supposed to be intense. It is pretty tough coming home to the responsibilities of being a wife, mom and home owner. I have very little energy and not much to give (at least it feels that way). But that is life. I cannot press the pause button just because I am struggling with depression AGAIN.
I cried from about 9:15 am until 1:00 pm today. I think I worried the program people. The psychiatrists (a new one and the old one who did my ECT before) want to do more ECT. I don’t know what I think about that. Nate and I don’t feel they worked that well. However the doctor reminded me that at the time of the treatments I reported that I was feeling better. They did help at the time but I need a long term solution (treatment) to this stinking problem (illness). I (and Nate) am not sure if it is worth the money and possible memory loss to do more ECT. The psychiatrist explained that some people need to have maintenance ECT done, like one every month. That seems like an awful lot of brain shocking to me. I am not ready to jump back into that means of treatment yet. We shall see.
The psychologist in charge of the program is pushy. I suppose that is a good thing. If they are going to help you in five days they need to push their way into your problems so they can help you deal with them. He has pissed me off a couple of times. That’s ok. What I don’t like is that I feel he is rushing me. I also feel like sometimes he jumps to conclusions and does not fully listen to me. It is group therapy so to some extent he needs to “rush” me to keep things moving so that all the folks get their time to share. He suggested that maybe since the medicine and ECT have not worked that I have deeper “issues” that I need to deal with. Great! I would love to be off medicine and not have more ECT. What are the issues? Please tell me so I can deal with them. It is too bad that it is not that easy. It is interesting that the psychologist and the psychiatrist are thinking two different things. I don’t know what to think. I know that I am sick and that I desperately want to be well.
I also know that God is with me. I know that he has been with me every step of the way. Today in one of our groups the leader asked me to address a statement made by a patient because she thought I was more spiritual than her. He was saying that he would like to feel close to God again. I tried my best to explain that I think that God is always with us. His word, the holy Scriptures tell us that He will never leave or forsake us. I also said that I totally understood how he feels and that I have been angry at God at times. I don’t understand exactly why I have been suffering so much or why this man has either but I do KNOW that God is with me right now and has not left me for one minute. I asked him if he had ever heard of the Footsteps poem. I talked about how in the poem the person sees only one set of footsteps and thinks that God has left him. In reality God had been carrying him during those difficult times. I just looked it up on line so I could print it off for him. I think it is very poignant and full of truth. I have included it below.
Footprints in the Sand
One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord. Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.
In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand. Sometimes there were two sets of footprints, other times there was one only.
This bothered me because I noticed that during the low periods of my life, when I was suffering from anguish, sorrow or defeat, I could see only one set of footprints, so I said to the Lord,
“You promised me Lord, that if I followed you, you would walk with me always.
But I have noticed that during the most trying periods of my life there has only been one set of footprints in the sand. Why, when I needed you most, have you not been there for me?”
The Lord replied, “The years when you have seen only one set of footprints, my child, is when I carried you.”
Mary Stevenson, 1936
We later talked about how God will use what we are going through to help others some day. I know that God can use the most terrible parts of our life and turn them into something good, like us helping someone else who is hurting. However, I don’t think that we (I) should tell someone that when they are in the middle of their suffering. It is not helpful and can often be hurtful. When you feel like shit you just want someone to listen to you or hug you and NOT tell you how God will use it for good one day. When we are in the middle of a storm all we see is the dark cloud, raging wind, roaring waves, sharp lightening, and pounding rain. Later after the storm has calmed down and the sun peaks out from behind the clouds is when we are ready to see the rainbow. It is then and only then that we are able to learn about how God can bring good out of our suffering.
So now what? I am in this program. I am eager to get well. God is with me. I am not alone. ECT or no ECT? I just don’t know. I suppose God knows. What I do know is that I am READY TO BE BETTER.
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you," declares the LORD, "and will bring you back from captivity."
--Jeremiah 29:11-14 (New International Version)
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