Anxious

I wrote this late on Sunday(8-15-10) night. 


I don‘t know where to begin with my thoughts about today. God challenged me a great deal during church and I am not exactly how I feel about it.
I have spent the rest of the day incredibly anxious. My anxiety makes me feel sick to my stomach. I feel sick. I feel like my heart is tight, tense and very uncomfortable. I feel like I want to give myself a shot of some sedative medication (ativan, xanx, valium or something else) strait into my heart. I am extremely irritable. I want to feel joyful but I feel overwhelmingly irritable. Even my body is irritable. If I were to describe myself in one word it would be intense. I am so intense. I can’t seem to relax, laugh, I get stressed so easily, I need to deal with things immediately and we must do it my way. I hate how I feel. Yuck yuck yuck! It is 12:24 and I desperately want to be sleeping. I need to be sleeping but I am too anxious to fall asleep.

Anyway, I am tired and I want to go to sleep. Tomorrow is a new day.

So Anxious!

8-14-10
I am not able to sleep. It is so frustrating because I am sooooooooooooooooooooo tired but I am also so very anxious. This anxiety is not all in my head. I am not worrying about some silly stuff that is going on in my life but my body is anxious. I feel like I am in fight or flight mode. I have adrenalin rushing through me and I cannot seem to calm down. I have done guided meditation (relaxation exercises), I have exercised, prayed, and done all the “things” that are supposed to help with anxiety but I still feel all hopped up. I am edgy, irritable and intense! I have done the deep breathing exercises and taken my medicine. I really wanted to go to bed because I am truly tired but my body is just not cooperating. I don’t understand what the deal is.

Now I am trying wine. This is always my last resort because alcohol is a depressant. And I really don’t need any help being depressed. I have got that one perfected all on my own, no help is necessary. I am hoping this helps chill me out enough to finally go to sleep. I realize the alcohol may prevent me from sleeping soundly but at this point I will take any sleep I can get. It is 1:00 am and my daughter will be awake bright eyed and busy tailed at 7 am sharp. Oh how I long for sleep. Oh how I long to have my body at peace and not jittery and anxious.

Well I am off to try bed again. Maybe I will take a long hot shower first. Maybe……

Unfortunately I did not get to sleep until 4 am. My wonderful husband let me sleep until 8:20. Praise the Lord!

Still Struggling

I am still struggling. I wish I could report that I am all better. I suppose I am a bit better. I am still crying every day but I do have my daughter home with me again 3 days a week. I do not let myself cry in front of her. There have been times in the past when I have and she very sweetly says “Mommy why are you sad?” I find it extremely hard to answer her question so I avoid crying in front of her. That is a good thing though; she does not need to be worried about me. It is her job to learn, grow, play, experience and enjoy life.

Back to me…..I am still struggling. Oh how I wish I was not writing about myself. I am tired of me. It would be wonderful to be writing about something new, fun and fresh. Oh well. I knew that my diagnosis way back when was depression and anxiety but for the past year the depression has been more of a problem. Since I have gone off Celexa the anxiety has been out of control so I decided to do some reading about anxiety. It turns out that I have ALL the symptoms of generalized anxiety.

If you are suffering of from generalized anxiety disorder, it’s likely that you have difficulty concentrating; tire easily; are restless, irritable, and fidgety; and have problems falling asleep and staying asleep. –Dr. Don Colbert, MD

Several of the ways for me to combat anxiety are similar to depression. The big one is my thoughts. I need to keep my thoughts positive (interesting because when I am healthy I am naturally a very positive person) and stop negative untrue thoughts from entering my mind.

The things we dwell on create mind-sets. Worldly mind-sets lead to depression and anxiety, but spiritual mind-sets lead to life and peace. Peace is the opposite of anxiety, and we can develop peace by reprogramming and tearing down all mind-sets or strongholds contrary to God’s Word and replacing them with Scriptures. –Dr. Don Colbert, MD

So not only am I taking medication (anti-anxiety meds and a new anti-depressant medication that should help with anxiety) but I am working on my thought life. I feel like this is a constant battle. Seriously, I feel like I have to redirect my thoughts every 5 minutes. I start to feel anxious and before I even realize what I am thinking I have to say to myself “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Peace, I choose peace. The joy of the Lord is my strength. I am thankful for…….” It is helping. I just feel like I have to do it all the time. I start to feel overwhelmed (really really overwhelmed) at least every hour and I have to talk to myself about how it is ok if all I do is lean on God and take good care of my daughter.

The to-do list is so long. Actually I have stopped making a list because that gives me an anxiety attack. It is so hard to be ok with doing my best. I don’t feel like my best is enough. For all the thought, time, energy and prayer I am putting into my days you would think that I would be accomplishing great things. I am simply making it through the days. I suppose that is good but I am tired of working SO hard and accomplishing so little.

My daughter’s birthday was on June 2nd and I still have not written and sent the thank you notes. I have wanted to clean and organize V and my rooms for a month now. Ok……STOP Carly! Going over everything that needs to be done is not going to do you any good. Besides I don’t have the time to write it all down.

I have decided to keep a Gratitude/Happy Journal next to my bed. Every morning when I wake up I write a few things down that I am grateful for and that make me happy. Then again before bed I write some more. Sometimes I add more throughout the day. If I am thinking about what I am grateful for I will not be thinking about being sad, in pain, overwhelmed or anxious. Here are the latest……

8-11-10
327. My counselor is really helpful and he truly cares about me.
328. Watching my hubby and daughter play brought me so much joy.
329. I had time to read
330. I sent out a package to my friend with a new baby and two thank you notes!
331. I get to spend the day with V tomorrow.
8-12-10
332. Got to cuddle with V
333. Nate does not have a job that takes him overseas. He comes home to us every night.
334. Camp friends
335. Camp memories
336. God’s very real presence in my life
337. My devotional spoke directly, specifically and perfectly to me today!
338. My friend Rebecca messages me every day to see how I am doing. What an awesome friend!
339. Quality time with V
340. I had a good nap.
341. Hope
342. I am not alone
343. My hubby!
8-13-10
344. I got a shower this morning
345. Woke up feeling good
346. God’s creation is amazing
347. Woke up to a clean sink and counters (because I found the energy to do the dishes, sink and counter tops last night).
348. Singing
349. Swinging
350. My church family

I have also decided to print out certain Bible verses that I want to memorize and post around the house. When I stop the negative thoughts or mind-sets I want to have truth to replace them with. Here are a few that I have so far.

Philippians 4:12-13 12 "I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. 13I can do everything through him who gives me strength."

Psalm 28:7 7 "The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and I am helped. My heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to him in song."

Nehemiah 8:10 This day is sacred to our Lord. Do not grieve (be dejected and sad), for the joy of the LORD is your strength."

Isaiah 26:3 "You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you.

“You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in you, all whose thoughts are fixed on you!”

Phil 4:6-7 "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

1 John 4:18 "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love."

Ok it is time to move on with my day. I choose to feel good. I choose to be at peace. I choose to think true thoughts. I choose to reject lies about me. I choose to smile and have fun today. I am going to go do some relaxation exercises, pick up a bit and take a short nap. Sounds good.

Happy List

8-9-2010
303. My amazing husband
304. Quality alone time with him
305. My cuddly dog
306. God used me to speak to other women on Saturday when I gave a talk on our minds and our thoughts. Thank you Holy Spirit for speaking through me.
307. God is always with me
308. My daughter, she is such a blessing!
309. Dad and Sharon watching and loving on Vienna
310. My friend Rebecca. She is so sweet and encouraging to me.
311. My parents have been willing to help watch Vienna so I can have breaks.

8-10-2010
312. I woke up praising God today
313. I am determined to have a good day
314. If God is for me who can be against me?
315. God is so real
316. I was blessed by Steve (the homeless man who plays his guitar on the corner) today.
317. My daughter learned a valuable lesson about blessing and helping other people.
318. Swimming with Marcie and Addison
319. I feel good today! I am tired and sore but NOT depressed.
320. My daughter has not been nearly as fussy today as yesterday!
321. The joy of reading my daughter book:)
322. My comfortable bed

8-11-2010
323. Pretty good sleep last night
323. My daughter’s rainbow color tie-dye dress, I love it and I love seeing her in it.
324. I had a good day yesterday
325. Yummy breakfast
326. God’s Word

Weary

I am so tired today. I feel like I have not slept in days but I actually got almost ten hours of sleep. Well I was in bed for that long but I woke up what seemed like every hour. I am so weary of this stinking battle. I am battle weary. I am so ready to not be struggling with depression and anxiety anymore. I have had an extremely hard week. I think I have cried every day this week. I sobbed for like an hour on Thursday night and then again today. Crying is good. It is cleansing and all that but seriously, every day, that is way too much cleansing.

Not only do I feel weary and so tired but I am extremely anxious. I feel like everything is overwhelming.

I have been crying out to God for help. Today I begged Him to heal me and let me be done with this damn depression.

I gave a talk to some of the ladies in my church on Saturday. It was about having godly, positive thoughts rather than negative ones. I tried so many times last week to sit down and try to organize my thoughts and the message I wanted to give but I was so stinking depressed that I could not make it happen. I felt like every day was a battle to be fought. I was so tired, anxious, sad, unmotivated, blah, edgy, insecure and overwhelmed. Thank goodness God is God and His message came through in spite of me. The Holy Spirit gave me the strength and the words I needed to share. The night before the talk I was wishing I would start vomiting so I would not have to do it. Normally I love teaching and preaching but not the depressed version of me.

Earlier I felt like I had so much that I wanted to write about. But now I am just too tired. I feel like I am always too tired. I called the doctor about having another sleep test to see if I have sleep apnea or something. I might or I might just have the same old depressed anxious sleep problems.

I think I will go try to pray and go to bed. I say try to pray because I have been having a terrible time staying focused lately. Luckily God knows my heart. Even if I cannot formulate sentences to express my needs and prayers God knows them. I am so thankful I am not alone in this battle. I feel like crap but I know that one thing is true; I believe in an awesome, powerful, and loving God. I will praise Him even though I don’t feel like it and tomorrow will be a new start. God’s mercies are new in the morning and joy comes in the morning.

Back to the Basics

8-5-2010

I feel anxious, emotional, overwhelmed and out of control this morning. So I keep reminding myself “focus on one thing.” God keeps reminding me to put him first and then everything else will fall into place. If I focus on one thing it needs to be God. If I accomplish one thing today it needs to be taking time to sit with God, speak to Him, let Him speak to me and read His Word. As I have been crying out to him frantic and upset about how my days have been going I have not been listening to his quiet whisper “rest in me.” Throughout this whole experience (terrible episode of depression) God has been telling me to start my days with Him.

Yesterday after an hour and 15 minutes of crying in my therapy session I left knowing I needed to get back to the basics. I have not been sleeping well and everything has been falling apart since. I have a million things I want to do, work on and catch up on that I cannot stop thinking about. I think I use so much energy thinking about all this “stuff” that I am too exhausted to do much of anything. So yesterday my therapist told me I needed to get back to a bedtime (I have been staying up late due to anxiety and poor decision making). So back to the basics I go, I will put God first and go to bed by 11:00 pm every night.

Trading My Sorrows

Written Friday 7-30-2010

My delightful daughter loves to sing. I love to sing. I am so happy that I have passed that on to her. She has been filling my heart with joy lately because she has been singing the song, Trading My Sorrows by Darrell Evans almost all the time. This is one of my favorite songs. But most importantly it has extremely significant meaning to me. I have included the words below.

Trading My Sorrows by Darrell Evans

I’m trading my sorrows
I’m trading my shame
I’m laying them down for the joy of the Lord

I’m trading my sickness
I’m trading my pain
I’m laying them down for the joy of the Lord

And we say yes Lord yes Lord yes yes Lord
Yes Lord yes Lord yes yes Lord
Yes Lord yes Lord yes yes Lord Amen

I’m pressed but not crushed persecuted not abandoned
Struck down but not destroyed
I’m blessed beyond the curse for His promise will endure
For His joy’s is gonna be my strength

Though the sorrow may last for the night
His joy comes with the morning

I was first introduced to this song in 1999. That fall I was starting to get very sick. At first I noticed that I could no longer run. I ran cross country in high school and had run on and off throughout college. It was the strangest thing. I would start running (as a workout) and I found that my body just could not do it anymore. It would hurt (which is not uncommon with running) but more so I did not have the energy to do it. I couldn’t get my body to go and keep going. I then started having widespread body pain, extreme fatigue, headaches, heart palpitations, and a very weak immune system. I worked with the youth at my church and I found that I just could not handle slumber parties or all night events anymore. I was only 22 years old. My family doctor sent me to several specialists and we eventually found out that I had Fibromyalgia. I was so sick the spring of 2000 that I could barely get out of bed. I would walk from my bedroom to the living room and have to lay down on the couch to rest. I dropped around 40 pounds because I did not have the energy to prepare food much less go to the grocery store.

I was a student at Taylor University at this time. I had to drop down to part-time and I still received incompletes in a couple of my classes. I could not function. I was so incredibly weak. My heart was so very weary. I felt betrayed by my body. I felt like a weak person, a person of weak character. Why couldn’t I just muster up the energy to function? I was struggling with depression as well. Not only did my body hurt physically but my heart hurt emotionally as well.

At Taylor we had chapel services every Monday Wednesday and Friday. Trading My Sorrows was a song that we sang frequently. I remember belting out those words as a declaration to the world; I Carly am trading my sickness and pain for the joy of the Lord. I would tell myself over and over again (trying to convince myself); I trade this damn Fibromyalgia for the joy of the Lord. I would hold up my hands to God in submission saying yes Lord. I was saying yes Lord I choose your plan for my life even though I don’t understand it and I certainly don’t like it. I remember clinging to the words, “I am pressed but not crushed persecuted not abandoned struck down but not destroyed….His promise will endure….His joy’s gonna be my strength. Though the sorrow may last for the night his joy comes with the morning.” Man, did I ever need strength. This song became like a mantra that I sang to myself every day.

And now it is July 2010. I have been struggling with this particular (very nasty) bought of depression since February 2009. Once again this song has helped me through a very difficult time. I think the reason Vienna loves this song is because I frequently blast it in the car and belt out the words with passion and urgency in my voice. I am once again claiming the words of this song as truth in my life. I am choosing (I have to choose every day) joy instead of sorrow, shame, sickness and pain. I am reminding myself that I am struck down but not destroyed! I believe that God’s promise of strength and joy in the morning (each day is a new day) is true. I believe that this promise is unfailing and will truly endure through all the hardships I am faced with. I am trusting, believing and claiming God’s promise that joy does come in the morning. I choose to believe that if I choose joy that it will be strength to me. And you know what? God’s joy has given me so much strength. There is no way that I would have made it through this past year without God. Seriously, I am not sure I would be alive. That is how terrible this depression has been. I have felt so utterly hopeless and have been in so much devastating pain that I would have given up without Jesus, my husband and delightful daughter. Thank you Lord Jesus for giving me strength. Thank you Lord for loving me unconditionally and for never ever giving up on me. I am so very grateful.

Thank you sweet delightful Vienna for blessing me with your beautiful but very out of tune voice. I love it when you sing this powerful and uplifting song. I love you my daughter.

I love you my Lord. And God, I love your words of truth.

Once again I sing with all my heart...

I’m trading my sorrows
I’m trading my shame
I’m laying them down for the joy of the Lord

I’m trading my sickness
I’m trading my pain
I’m laying them down for the joy of the Lord

And we say yes Lord yes Lord yes yes Lord
Yes Lord yes Lord yes yes Lord
Yes Lord yes Lord yes yes Lord Amen

I’m pressed but not crushed persecuted not abandoned
Struck down but not destroyed
I’m blessed beyond the curse for His promise will endure
For His joy’s is gonna be my strength

Though the sorrow may last for the night
His joy comes with the morning