Losing Faith

11-23-10 (12:22 AM)

I wrote on the 18th but it was too revealing to post.  When I get some energy I may edit and post it.

Today sucks. I hurt. I ache. Both emotionally and physically. I am so sad. I don’t even have the energy to write about what has been making me feel so sad and crappy. Maybe tomorrow.

I am tired of being me. Well…..I am tired of the depressed me. I have so little to offer anyone. I used to be outgoing, passionate and love to talk. Now in groups I remain quiet. I don’t have anything to contribute. I don’t know what is going on in the world. I don’t know if I will make it through another week of this damn depression. I feel void of personality. Having personality takes energy and I don’t have any of that left. I am boring and sad.

I feel burdensome. I feel like I continually let others down. I hate not being able to do what I want to do. I hate how I feel.

The ache in my heart is so deep.

I wrote this to a friend who also struggles with depression earlier. And then I also sent it to some other people. It explains how I am feeling.

I am having a really difficult time. We decided tonight to not go to Ohio to visit Nate's family for Thanksgiving because I am not doing well. I feel so guilty. But I also know I am not up for the trip. I am worried about what his family is thinking of me. The last two trips to Ohio I have stayed home because I have not been "doing well."


I hate feeling guilty. Yet I am relieved that we are not going. Yet I feel bad. I go back and forth. I wish I could just suck it up and be ok. I hate being depressed. I feel weak. I feel like a looser. I feel crappy. 

I am losing faith in God. I don't feel like praying or reading my Bible. I believe God is real. I just don't understand why I am not getting better. This depressive episode has been going on for a year and a half. Enough already. What the heck is God doing? Or not doing?

I hate to admit that I am losing faith in God. But I am a bit. I know that other people are much worse off than me. Some people cannot walk, talk, see, are dying or have lost loved ones. But I feel like I cannot escape my suffering. Depression is in my brain, my thoughts, feelings and my body. I feel like I cannot escape it.

Now I just feel like a whiny baby who needs to suck it up and make myself better. Why can’t I do that? I hate feeling so weak. I hate feeling out of control.

I Want to Sleep!

Written on 11-17-10
Argggg I cannot fall asleep. I went to bed over almost an hour and a half ago and I just cannot fall asleep. I really dislike this because I feel so yucky when I do not get enough sleep. I am sure that eating peanut butter M&Ms before bed did not help the cause but this is really ridiculous.

I have been doing this TV survey thing where you keep track of all the TV that is watched in your home. It is pathetic how much late night TV I have been watching. I wish I could be more productive during this time but I am tired and cranky about not being able to sleep. I have to be careful what I do so that I do not wake myself up more. Anyway…..I suppose I am thankful for bad late night TV. If it was good I would stay up later.

Feeling Better

Today was so much better than yesterday! Today was a good day. My pain level was low. And…..I was NOT depressed! Yay. I really enjoyed my family, laughed, had some fun and got some Christmas shopping done. Yay for being productive!

I knew today would be better. There are so many reasons why I think we sleep at night. I think that one of them is that we can go to bed after a terrible day and wake up fresh and renewed the next day.

A friend of mine sent me some encouraging Bible verses today. The first is from the thrid chapter of Lamentaions.

21 Yet this I call to mind
and therefore I have hope:

22 Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail.

23 They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.

24 I say to myself, “The LORD is my portion;
therefore I will wait for him.”

25 The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him,
to the one who seeks him;

26 it is good to wait quietly
for the salvation of the LORD.

-- Lamentations 3:21-26

The second is, "I will refresh the weary and satisfy the faint." --Jeremiah 31:25

Thank you friend for the fabulous verses. 

Thank you Lord for a really good day!

What Now?

Tough day. Dang  I am glad it is over. Well it is almost over. It is so interesting to me how much my days can differ. I feel like I am up, down and all around. Man I want to get off this roller coaster. I am tired. So very tired.

I made bad decisions yesterday. I took my 3-yearold daughter to a sale at Younkers and then to Toys R Us. I should have just gone to one of the stores. Man was I in pain. She fell asleep on the way home and when she woke up (instead of staying asleep for her 2 hour nap) I just couldn’t handle it. My body was screaming in pain. All I wanted to do was eat so I could take the pain meds and then get on my three heating pads. I snapped at her and at my wonderful man. He is so wonderful. He spent the day cleaning out our shed so that we could de-clutter our house all because the clutter is stressing me out. He did it for me and I was a real bitch to him.
I am just not used to this pain. I used to be accustomed to being in pain (physical) every day but I am out of practice. I believe God has given me a break from that pain as I have dealt with the emotional and mental pain of the depression. Anyway….since last Saturday my Fibromyalgia pain has been back with a vengeance. I am not used to it and I am crabby. It is so hard to be nice, loving and patient when you want to scream "ouch ouch ouch freaking ouch! I hurt!" I am so sorry Nate. Even though you don't read this I have still got to say I am sorry. You have put up with so much crap. So very very much. Why do you stay again?

I don’t want to treat you badly. I guess I just have to get used to being in pain again. Ugggggggggggg! I need a freaking break. I am so damn tired. I don’t want to give up but I just don’t want to continue like this.

I actually had a really great night last night. I went out with my friend Rebecca and I felt good. I felt quite a bit like me. Not totally me (cuz being in pain is really distracting) but I felt pretty good. My dear friend commented on how nice it was to see me doing so well. And then I came home. I walked into my messy-dirty house to a husband who I had treated so poorly earlier in the day. My illnesses wear on him. He pretends they don’t but they do. He stays strong for me but I know that he is tired and weary. It just made me so sad. It is all so sad.

And then I could not stop thinking about all the things that I need to do and that I need to change that I could NOT sleep. I was so frustrated. I was actually up until past 3 am. I just could not fall asleep. I could not settle myself down. Not until my wonderful husband rubbed my back. At 3 am when he had been asleep for hours, this lovely man woke himself up enough to rub my back so that I could relax and fall asleep. I am so blessed. So blessed. I am so sorry babe that I have been so awful. I am working on it. I want to be better.

So what kind of future do we have together? I desperately wanted another baby but I see that just slipping through my grasp. There is no way in my health that I can have another baby. I cannot even care for the darling daughter and husband that I already have in the way that I want to. So I suppose I will just put that on the shelf of former dreams that are just not a reality for me. That freaking shelf is getting awfully full. And what I hate the most……is that so many of Nate’s dreams and desires are on that shelf too. He can‘t work his dream job because we need good health insurance. So he is stuck in a job that he does not like (but is thankful for because so many people are without jobs) because of me and my need for good health insurance. He is doing it for me. And what do I do? I treat him like crap because I cannot handle feeling all the pain I feel. I snapped at him so much yesterday and even today.

Gosh I don’t like myself right now.

I hate to say (write) that out loud but it is true. I just don’t want to be me in my circumstances with my limitations and health issues anymore.

Yes tomorrow I will wake up and I will be Carly and I will start fresh. Each day is a gift from God and I will treat it like that but tonight……….oh tonight, I hurt….and I wish…………………………………..

Sometimes I look in the mirror and I don’t even recognize the woman I see. I used to be different. I used to go on adventures, sky dive and live each moment to the fullest. Now I find myself wishing the painful days away. Time is slipping and passing me by and I am tired of it.

So how do I embrace life with the limitations I have? How do I grab life by the horns, dig in my heals and truly live when I feel so crappy? The ironic thing is that now I just want very simple things. I no longer hope to travel, explore, run, and do so much of what I had dreamed of. Now my desires are so simple. I simply want to be a good wife, mom, and servant of God. That’s it. That is all. I don’t think I am asking too much. I simply want be a lover of God and an excellent lover of my hubby and daughter.

Weird how around this time last night I was laughing at a movie, enjoying my friends company and now tonight I feel such despair. Tonight the tears flow freely as if I am watering an extremely thirsty plant or something.

My family and I were planning on going to Ohio to visit my husband’s family over Thanksgiving. Now Nate is suggesting that we stay home. He is worried he cannot be the husband I need him to be. He is concerned that I he cannot be the support that I need him to be while we are there. Frick! Am I really that needy? Ummmmm yup, I think I am. He never knows when I am going to fall apart and when I am going to need him to take over caring for our daughter. Man that must be a heavy burden to carry. I feel crappy about not going to Ohio. It is not fair to everyone else. I am tired of everything being about me. If it is not depression it is freaking Fibromyalgia pain or sleep problems. Sometimes I feel like they all would be better off without me. I know they would not but I still feel that way sometimes.

I have been having horrible nightmares lately. The kind of nightmares that are too terrible to even write about. I wake up upset, shaken and anxious. They FEEL so real. Thank God they are just dreams. I wish they would stop. I have enough crap that I am trying to wade through. I really don’t need horrifying images from my nightmares stuck in my head all day.

So where does all this crap leave me? Hopeful? I don’t know. I know that God is good. I know that God loves me. I know that God wants me to talk to him about all of this and to be truly honest about my hurt, frustration and anger. But I don’t know much else.

I know that tomorrow I will pull up my bootstraps and fight for a good day. I know that I am not giving up. But I also know that I am sooooooooooooooooooooooooooo tired. So very tired. I know that I hurt physically and emotionally. I know that I feel like a bit of a failure today. I know that I need to be more self-disciplined but that for some reason I cannot muster up the energy to do so.

Ok…………………………………………………. God loves me. My family loves me. I guess that is all I need to think about right now. God is in control. Well I believe that he is. I don’t necessarily feel it right now but I do believe it. God is good. Yes. Life is good. I can do this. I will be ok. I am ok.

Maybe if I say it over and over again it will be true. I can do this. I will be ok. I am ok.



P.S.  I am feeling a bit better now.  It feels really good to have gotten all of those feelings and thoughts out.

Keeping it Simple

I am really tired today. That has kind of bummed me out because V was with her grandparents and I wanted to get a lot done. I seem to be having a Fibromyalgia flare up. It has been a while since I have been in this much pain. It really takes a toll on me both mentally and physically. It is quite exhausting to try to function normally while in lots of pain. I ended up taking a 3.5 hour nap. My body really needed it but my ego really needed to cross a lot off my “to do” list. Oh well. I got a few things accomplished and that is so much better than nothing! And I spent some quality time with V when she came home which is what is the most important thing to me.

I want to talk for a moment to those of you who read this blog.

I appreciate you caring about me and wanting to follow how I am doing. Please know that what I write is often very raw. It is often unfiltered emotions that I am trying to process. Writing has been extremely therapeutic for me. I feel much better after I do it. If you have concerns about something I write you are welcome to ask me about it. However I will probably cry and not be able to express myself as well as I do when I write. I do not want any of my loved ones to worry excessively about me because they are reading this blog. Please know that your love and support is all that I need and expect from you.

Unfortunately this is not something anyone can fix for me. I wish you could. I wish I could. But it is not that simple. Depression is complicated and my case is extra complicated due to my Fibromyalgia and sleep problems. Please always know that I am fighting this battle and I am determined to win. I am not nor will I give up or give in. I may have a day or two where I feel defeated but I am in no way surrendering to this disease. Some days are so hard that I need to let go and stop fighting for that particular day. But just for the day. I always begin fighting again the following morning. Thanks waging this battle with me. I appreciate all of you.

I am not really looking forward to the Holidays. I am exhausted just thinking about them. The idea of shopping, wrapping, decorating, cleaning, socializing, traveling and writing Christmas cards is overwhelming to me. I just don’t feel like I have the energy for it all. Bahumbug!

I told Nate that I just wanted to fast forward through it all. Since I cannot do that I need to come up with an action plan. Hmmm….Simplify, Simplify, Simplify. Yes that will be my mantra through this season. I am going to do my best to focus on what these holidays are really all about and not try to do it all (what I feel obligated to do and what I feel others expect me to do).

Thanksgiving is about being thankful. I can do that. I love to focus on what I am grateful for.

Christmas is about the birth of Jesus.

Ok focus on that. We can make (or buy) a birthday cake for Jesus. We will go to church and read the Christmas story out of the Bible. I don’t have to put up lots of decorations to celebrate Jesus. It won’t be the end of the world if I don’t send out Christmas cards this year (even though I really like to do this). I could send an email. I don’t need to get stressed out about buying people the perfect present because I never succeed at that anyway (I don’t mean to sound negative but seriously, no one ever buys everyone the perfect gift). It truly is the thought that counts. And I am not going to stress myself out by trying to stretch our budget by going to all of the crazy crowded overwhelming sales events. It is ok if each person gets one present instead of two.

Deep breath….in…..out…..in…..out…….I can do this. I can make the holidays simple. I can let Nate do the shopping even though he may not buy exactly what I want him to. I can let go of what other people and I expect the Holidays should look like.

The key to all of this will be for me to keep my eyes on God. If I let myself look around at what everyone else is doing I will fail. I cannot compare myself to those around me. Some people are Martha Stewart and I am not even when I am feeling my best! I need to keep my eyes on Jesus. I need to focus on what is best for my family. What is best for them is me being healthy and sane. They don’t need or want a crazy, emotional, depressed, unhealthy, “trying to keep up with the Jones” version of me.

So Christmas……Jesus was born and that is AMAZING! God’s son became a human being and came to live among us. AWESOME! This simple but truly awesome and amazing event is what Christmas is all about. Simple. Yes Simple. Say it again Carly…..simple. Keep things simple.

Into My Bones

Depression sucks. I feel it all the way into my bones. I want to be productive but I feel so blah. My body and mind just wants to go to bed. Yay for what I did accomplish today.

I Never Thought I Would Be...

Anxious. Overwhelmed. Stressed. I truly dislike those feelings. There is always so much to do and I can’t seem to get a handle on it. It does not help that some days I am to depressed to get much of anything done. Then the list just grows longer and longer. The house gets more and more dirty.

Yesterday I worked for about an hour in our basement clearing “stuff” away so that we can get our new furnace installed on Wednesday. After that ONE hour I was in so much pain (Fibromyalgia) that I suffered the rest of the day. The pain continued into the night and affected my sleep and is still looming around today. I just don’t feel set up to win. If it is not Depression it is Fibromyalgia. If it is not Fibro it is feeling overwhelmed. Then feeling overwhelmed leads to depression and the cycle just goes around and around again. Lack of sleeps makes Fibro and Depression worse. Depression makes sleep and Fibro worse and Fibro pain makes Depression and sleep worse. Yikes. I have got to break free from this cycle.

I am feeling very overwhelmed and stressed right now. The pain is mostly under control. I am ready to accomplish a few thing but I look around….and I want to cry. Where do I start? There is a mess everywhere. I have stopped making a “to do” list because it was so depressing. But now I feel like I am forgetting things that I need to get done. For example, I just now read the Preschool newsletter for November and realized that the fundraiser stuff is due in two days. Also there is a field trip in four days. I have an appointment the day of the field trip because I was not organized and did not know about the trip until today. This creates more anxiety. I have got to come up with some method to keep myself and my life more organized.

I have been thinking about the ways that people choose to escape the pain and stress of life lately. I see how people who are depressed turn to alcohol or drugs. It would be so nice to feel different. To feel better. Even now while I am so anxious it would be great to have a chill out pill. Depression hurts so much sometimes that the person dealing with it is desperate to feel anything else. Even if that means using addictive substances.

I am so blessed that I can’t stand the taste of most alcohol (plus it makes Fibro worse) and that I have no clue how to obtain illegal drugs. Because I have really wanted to use them. I have really wanted to feel something else, anything else other than the pain of depression.

I have turned to the legal somewhat socially acceptable escape, food. Food has been my drug. I eat when I am sad, anxious, overwhelmed, depressed, insecure, hopeless, feeling empty and most of all when I cannot sleep at night. Some people might think that turning to food is much better than turning to alcohol or drugs. It is safer, better for my health and less addictive right? Well not for me. Not anymore. I am totally addicted to food especially sweets. I like how being full feels, it feels satisfying. I like the high I get from the sugar. For a time, even though it is short, the sugar gives me more energy and I feel more alive. I need to lose at least 100 (125 if I want to weigh what I weighed at my wedding) pounds. 100 pounds is not small number and that much weight truly does affect my health. Obesity causes so many diseases. I need to get my weight down. I need to get my eating under control. But I am truly addicted. So now what?

I take medication that causes weight gain. One of the meds I am on right now causes an increased appetite especially for sweets. That is exactly what is says on the side effects list, increased appetite, especially for sweets. Great. I really don’t ne an increased appetite for chocolate, cookies, candy and ice cream. If I was a strong person I could just change my eating habits right? Sometimes I really feel that way. Then sometimes I give myself a break and remind myself that I am struggling with MAJOR Depression. Making it through each day is a challenge. I don’t need to add another stressor by trying to control my eating to. That sounds lazy, unmotivated and weak doesn’t it? I agree. But I can’t handle it all right now. It takes SOOOOOOOOOOOOO much willpower for me to watch what I eat. I just don’t have the energy for that kind of willpower right now. I know I need to but I just don’t. One thing at a time I suppose.

So I avoid looking in the mirror too much. I don’t want my picture taken and I try not to think about how huge I have become. But I do feel it. And I do see it. There is no denying that I have become obese. Obese. Probably morbidly obese. And that is something that I never imagined that I would be.

I used to be so fit and active. I have always loved sweets and loved eating but it was ok because I exercised on a regular basis. Then Fibromyalgia hit. Gradually I could not run, swim, hike, kick-box, or do Tae'bo like I used to. Now I get sore from walking. Oh well……I am not going to have a pity party. At least I can walk. Some people have had the gift of walking taken away from them.

Thank you God that my legs still work and that I can exercise through walking.

Well I need to get some stuff done. I am not sure where to start but I feel less anxious after writing.

New Day

Well today is a new day. My wonderful friend R is watching V so that I can rest, recuperate and try to get myself back together. I should rephrase that….allow God to put me back together. I am feeling a bit better today.

Thank you Kristina for your comment, it was encouraging. You are right a pro and con list is a good idea. It helps us see things more clearly. I am a fighter. That is why I will never go to that horrible place (suicide) even though I hurt so much at times that  it seems like that is the only way for the pain to subside.

I have learned that if I can just make it through the moment, hour and day I will be ok. Joy does come in the morning. It is not always the jumping, singing, everything is great kind of joy but it is a slice of God’s goodness none the less. It is a bit of a new start. Today is a new day. I don't feel great. But I feel ok. I know God is with me. I feel like I can make it until tomorrow. And that is good. That is much better than yesterday. So even though I am not where I want to be at least I am not where I was. Thank you God.

Ready to Wake Up

Today sucks. I feel crappy. I feel crappy and I don’t have the energy to fight anymore today. I would try to express how I feel but it hurts so much that I have chosen to feel numb. Now it is a dull hurt with an apathetic “I don’t feel like” or “want to” do anything tone.

I hurt so badly today and last night that I just wanted to die. Dying has been preferable to this pain. And I know I need to fight that feeling but I am just really tired. However, I could never hurt Nate, V and the rest of my family by causing myself to die. I hate to think that they might blame themselves or think that there was something they could have done.

That is the thing……we are all doing all we can do. I take my medicine(3 anti-depressants, an anti-anxiety and a sleeping med), I see my therapist, I make myself get out of bed……My family loves me and encourages me. What else can be done?

When will this end? I don’t have much fight left in me. NO I am not giving up but I sure feel like it.

I am sure it is hard for anyone reading this to understand why I would even think about wanting to die. It is hard for me to understand it. I just know that the pain is real. The pain is overwhelmingly real and I wish it would go away.

Is there more I can do to fight? Yes. There always is. But damn it I am freaking tired. I just want to go to bed and wake up from this nightmare.

So why am I depressed? Good question. I have an amazing daughter. My husband loves me unconditionally. My family loves me. I have some terrific friends who pray for me and help me. I have God who always loves me.

So what is my problem?

I don’t know.

Both yesterday and today I was crying so hard while I was driving that I had make myself pull over so that I would not hurt anyone else on the road.

I called my therapists office crying today. He sweetly fit me in over his lunch hour. He has given me his cell number and tells me to call him if I need to. I feel guilty calling him. I am not paying him to talk to me at 1:00 in the morning when I cannot sleep and I feel like crap.

I am tired of calling my friends crying. I don’t want to be that downer friend. You know the one who brings you down when you talk to them? I hate being that person. I don’t want to be the sad one. The crabby, negative, hurting, “it is never getting better” person.

So what should I do? Do I go back into the hospital? That just makes a mess of everything. We have to find childcare for V, it is hard on Nate and when I come home V doesn’t want to leave my side. She is afraid I am going to leave her again. And that just makes me feel crappy.

I could keep crying and I would eventually die of dehydration. Yes that is how much I have been crying.

I made myself take a walk today. It was sunny. Sun is good. I made myself sit in front of the sun lamp too. I am ready to reap the benefits.

Benefits??

Where are you?

I hate that my family is suffering because of this. Because of me. I hate that all (almost) all of our money goes to my medical care.

So let’s look at this rationally. A pro and con list.

If I died Nate and V would have a lot less stress and definitely more money. If I died people wouldn’t have to worry about me anymore. I would not be a burden.

But….

If I died people would be sad. They would hurt and miss me. And I just can’t cause any more pain. I cause plenty already as it is.

Maybe tomorrow will be better. I seem to have 1 ok day for every 1 or two bad ones. I have had two very bad ones. So I am due for an ok day tomorrow.

I think I am overdue for being ALL better.

Can I wake up yet?