Pain Is Still Pain

Phew I just made it through my morning routine.

Carly’s Morning Routine
1. Wake up
2. Take Medicine
3. Make bed
4. Pray for the day
5. Shower
6. Get dressed
7. Eat
8. Read Scripture and Devotional

Granted it is 12:45 but I did it! I have been trying to do this routine for about a week and a half and it is surprisingly difficult right now. Depression robs me of so much energy, focus, gumption, joy, vitality, and productivity.

It is a great victory that I made it through the routine since I spent the first couple hours I was awake desperately trying to wake up without coffee. I like coffee but it has been making me very anxious lately. Then I spent another hour sobbing. I think the crying was therapeutic. I feel a bit better. I called my dear friend in the midst of the crying and asked her to pray for me over the phone. I actually felt more at peace as she prayed. I still cried (sobbed) for a while after but it was more hopeful crying. I hurt so much during that hour. It was like several bricks were on my chest pressing down hurting my heart. I ached. I felt emotionally, mentally and physically sick. I was overwhelmed with pain. I could not tell you exactly why I was crying other than I was in agony and in tremendous pain. Depression really hurts.

I watched a PBS special on depression. One of the psychiatrists interviewed on the program said “Imagine feeling the worst you have EVER felt and then imagine feeling that way EVERY day and not knowing why.” Wow that really sums up depression well. It is so hard for people who have not been depressed to understand it. And frankly I don’t want them to understand it because then they would have to go through it and it is HORIBLE!

I am off to see my counselor now. Hopefully I will feel even better after some good talk therapy.

6-22-10


I was given a copy of an entry from the blog Beyond Blue. The title is Pain Is Still Pain, What is it about the pain of depression that we are afraid to call it pain? This blog discusses what I was trying to express yesterday. Depression is really painful. It hurts! Yet those of who are depressed feel selfish talking about it because we do not have cancer, a broken leg or even the flu. We have not just lost our house and family to a natural disaster. And all of those people are really hurting. Talking about depression the author of this blog article states “Like me, you are too embarrassed or ashamed to call pain what it is. Because no crumbled village, tumor, or broken bones can be faulted. Just a power failure in the prefrontal cortex of the brain, and some neurotransmitters with no GPA systems…getting lost from one neuron to the next.” Depression hurts and pain is still pain.

I set some goals for June. It has been really challenging to meet them because I am having trouble making my bed and showering every day. I can’t believe how little energy I have. Anyway these are my goals;

Goals for June
1. Fill in flower beds *
2. Hang up clothes in bedroom (half way done)
3. Put away Vienna’s clothes *
4. Clear off kitchen table
5. Have birthday party for Vienna *
6. Put up swing set *
7. Clean bathroom (me clean it rather than Nate)
8. Clean Laundry area (wipe down)
9. Take Vienna to Hawk Island *
10. Go to counseling with husband *
11. Come up with Daycare plan *
12. Drink 8 glasses of water a day (working on it)
13. Pray regularly for Nate and Vienna (working on it)
14. Meet with Dad *

The ones with stars I have done. I have a week left to finish the rest.

I am feeling much better today than I did yesterday. I cried most of the day yesterday but I think it was really therapeutic. I feel cleansed in a way. It is like I got out some of the toxic depressive feelings and now I am a little bit closer to not being depressed.

I was absolutely exhausted last night and again this morning. Crying really wipes me out physically, emotionally and mentally. You could see the overwhelming fatigue on my face. Nate was really worried about me last night. I kept assuring him that I was ok just extremely worn out. Even after a pretty good night of sleep last night I was still exhausted this morning. So I took a 3 hour nap today and I am not feeling guilty about it. I am feeling pretty good now.

I am trying my best to not get overwhelmed with the MANY tasks I have to get done. I keep reminding myself to take baby steps. I need to make a very small to-do list so that I can feel good about getting them done. I have a really hard time being proud of the small steps I take. I want to be better now and I want to accomplish big tasks. When I got through my morning routine yesterday I was very proud of myself when I thought about the 8 things that I did. Then I started to think about how most people do all of those things in the first hour and half that they are awake. I literally had to say STOP out loud to keep myself from comparing myself to others. I just cannot believe how long it is taking me to get healthy. I thought I would be so much better by now. I want to be better now!

Happy List
1.  The sunshine this week
2.  Jenny-dog and I had a great hour long walk in the woods this morning
3.  Mom is retired
4.  I have wonderful praying, caring and supportive friends!
5.  V and I are going to visit our good friends on Thursday.  We are so excited!
6.  V did a great job with potty training yesterday
7. Having a good cry yesterday

Thank You!

I am truly a blessed woman. I have so many wonderful friends and family members who love and support me. Thank you to everyone who sent me words of encouragement. Thank you for hearing my plea and responding to it. Your encouragement has lifted me up higher out of this slimy dank depression pit. Thank you. I will NEVER give up fighting this fight. Thank you for not giving up on me. With God and your help I believe I will make it through. Thank you.

In Need of Encouragement

I have been feeling really insecure all night. I wanted Nate to give me some encouragement but he did not quite catch on. I asked him to tell me he loved me and he did. I asked him to tell me he likes me and he did. I asked him if he would miss me if I was gone and he said he would miss me. He answered all my questions but I really needed/wanted more. I wanted him to encourage me using his own words and thoughts. I asked the questions that I needed answers to but I was also hoping those questions would lead to him telling me some of the things I wanted to hear. I know that is selfish but I really needed some affirmation tonight.

Nate is tired and I should not expect anything extra from him. He has been so faithful through all of my episodes of depression and fibromyalgia flare ups. He too is worn out from all of this. He is very very tired. And that makes me sad. I wish I could offer him some rest but instead I just keep being a burden. He would never say that I am a burden to him but how can I not be?

I am feeling a bit hopeless tonight. I am trying to stay positive, I really am but I am still feeling somewhat hopeless. I saw my psychiatrist today. We talked about how I have major reoccurring treatment resistant depression. I wanted to know why? Why isn’t medication working for me when it works so well for others? But that is not an easy question. My psychiatrist reminded me that I have treatment resistant depression which means I don’t respond well too many of the medications. I also tend to be very sensitive to the side effects.

Some people would suggest that I am depending too much on medication and that I need to personally fight harder at defeating depression. It is also suggested that I need to be strong and make myself do things to help me get better. I AM! I am fighting and I am trying to do things to help me get better. I am doing the best that I can. I am doing the best that I can. I know that there is more that I need to do but for right now I am doing the best that I can. I am barely holding on. I am doing the best that I can.

I don’t know if I can handle a lifetime of depression of this magnitude. I want to say yes I can and I will and God will help me. But I don’t see much light at the end of the tunnel. I am doing and trying the things my psychiatrist and therapist are telling me to do and I still feel so yucky. I cry almost every day. I have cried five times today. I love summer and I don’t feel like doing much of anything. Usually I would be out walking, playing, swimming, and barbequing. Right now I have to force myself to shower. And all I really feel like doing in sleeping or maybe watching a movie on TV. Normally I love being social but right now social activity is very hard for me. I am uncomfortable or I would just rather be alone. Usually I am very social and would much rather be with people than be alone. It is so weird how depression changes us. I have no motivation or gumption right now. I don’t feel like doing anything. Nothing sounds good. I have not even wanted to go to the movies this week and I love going to the movies.

I have a request of my friends who read this blog. I need some encouragement. I need to know why you are glad that I am in your life and how you would miss me if I were gone. Please help remind me what I am fighting for. Right now I am having trouble seeing clearly. I know my daughter needs me but what else do I give to the world around me. How do I contribute? How do you see me helping others? I know that I sound desperate, childish and selfish. I am sorry for that. But I really need some encouragement. So please humor me and don’t think less of me for asking. Thank you in advance.

P.S. I am not thinking about harming myself. I still plan on fighting this bloody war with depression until I am victorious.

Hanging On

I have not written in over a week now. Usually I love writing but lately I have not wanted to do anything including journal. I have been fighting physical problems along with the ever present depression. I have a horrible headache right now. I woke up this morning feeling worn out, achy and not at all refreshed. I could have gone right back to bed. But I made myself shower. I felt a little better after the shower, it helped the achy muscles.

I have been trying a new medicine called Lamictal. It supposedly can augment and make the antidepressants I am already on work better. I have experienced several side effects that have been very unpleasant. The worst has been the drowsiness. I wake up still tired and I could sleep all day. I have slept all day a couple of days. Sometimes people who are depressed use sleep an escape from how they feel. They sleep to avoid feeling depressed. That is not what has been going on here. I have been physically tired and have been sleeping hard. I also experienced worse depression when I first began the medicine and an increased loss of interest in everything. I don’t feel like doing anything. The last couple of days I did not even feel like going to the movies and I always want to go to a movie. I usually love being around people and lately I would just rather be alone. I really have to fight this feeling with all my strength. It is so weird not wanting to do anything. I don’t even like most food right now. And I love to eat.

I saw my psychiatrist today. We both agreed that Lamictal is not a good medicine for me. So now I have to wean myself off it slowly. We are going to try a new medicine called Savella which can also help with fibromyalgia symptoms. The problem with that is that I have to wean of f my celexa first. So most likely the next few weeks will be really rough. I will probably get worse before I get better. Yikes.

I asked the doctor if they (researchers) know why people get depressed. His honest answer was no. I also asked him why my depression is so bad and why I am not responding to medicine the way most people do. I knew the answer I was going to get but I really just wanted to hear that I am not a weak person. He said that I have major reoccurring treatment resistant depression. That this is not some sort of character flaw but a medical condition. I left the office crying. I was crying because there is not an immediate promise of getting better and because it was good to hear that I am not weak.

I am having a difficult time writing due to the drowsiness and headache but I need to be disciplined in dong things that will help me get better.

I am trying very hard to stay positive. On my way to the psychiatrist’s office I listed all that I am grateful for. It was a long list but I am not sure if I can remember it now.

I am grateful for….

1. The birds singing
2. Tie-dying last night
3. Vienna’s hugs
4. I showered today
5. Hope
6. God’s faithfulness

Asking For Help

I have never been very good at asking for help. I am afraid of burdening or overwhelming people. Right now I am at a place where I have no choice but to let others help me. I am overwhelmed by the kindness of others. For some reason I think I thought I did not deserve to have others help me. One of the hardest things I have ever had to do was to ask my professors’ in college to grant me in-complete status for my classes due to my Fibromyalgia and depression. It was excruciatingly hard to admit that I could not finish what I had started. I was afraid to tell my parents. I was so embarrassed. I also had to talk to the school dean and ask for special permission to continue living on campus the next fall. I was only taking eight credits (not full-time status) and was trying to finish my in-completes. It is so hard to admit weakness. I felt like a quitter, a loser and like I was weak.

I remember sobbing and asking God to help go to these people. I literally felt sick about what I had to do. I was scared of their responses. I was embarrassed. Depression has such a stigma and many people do not understand it. To my surprise and great relief I was met with kindness and understanding. It still brings tears to my eyes thinking about it. I felt so vulnerable and I hated feeling that way.

People continue to surprise me with their willingness to help. I still feel like I don’t deserve it but I am doing better at accepting it. I am overwhelmed by the kindness of the moms in my Mom to Mom group. Many of them I have not even known for a year. Yet they continue to pray for me and bring my family meals. It is hard to express how helpful it is to have meals brought to us. Very little food sounds good to me. I stare in the fridge and into the cupboards and cannot come up with anything to eat. Not only does it not sound good but the idea of having to prepare it is overwhelming. I have so little energy. I usually end up eating crackers, cookies, pop tarts, cereal or ice cream. Having someone bring me a meal takes away the problem of deciding what to make and the burden of having to make it. It is important for me to eat well because food produces energy. And I desperately need energy. Plus I don’t feel guilty for not feeding my wonderful family.

Thank you Lord for all of the people you have sent to help me. Thank you for teaching me to accept and welcome their help.

I have spent the past two days in bed. This was partly due to tiredness from a busy weekend but partly due to being too depressed to do anything else. I got up this morning determined to have a better day. So far I am succeeding. I got dressed, brushed my hair and teeth, went to the bank, returned a video, wrote and delivered my friend’s birthday card and wrote some other LONG overdue cards. It is very important to me to remember people’s birthdays and to offer encouragement if they are going through a rough time by sending cards. Oh, and now I am journaling Yeah Carly! That is six more things than I did yesterday. Yesterday I did manage to shower, go to counseling and go to a movie. Monday I don’t think I did anything until my daughter came home. I went to the movie because I needed to get out and do something. When I don’t feel like I have the energy to do anything I can at least drag myself to a theater and sit and watch a movie.

Yeah Carly. Today is a better day.

Frustrated

Written Friday 6-4-10

As I lay in bed this morning trying to wake up fully I thought to myself; “today will be better. I am determined to have a better day. I can do this.” When I finally rolled out of bed and stood up some of my hope was stripped away. My head was throbbing (it still is), I was dizzy and nauseous. I think the symptoms are still side effects of the new medicine. I feel like crap. I just want to go back to bed. No no no no! I need to push through and persevere.

Tomorrow my mom daughter and I are going to Camp Newaygo. I love Camp Newaygo. Camp was my safe haven for eleven summers. So much of who I am was developed and nurtured at camp. Many of my most cherished memories are of Camp, my friends and experiences there. I learned how to love myself while I was at camp.

I am very frustrated. The headache and dizziness are making it impossible for me to write. Journaling usually helps me feel better. I suppose I will have to wait on that.

Feeling Useless

I am feeling useless again. I feel like a burden, a money pit and a stressor. I know that those are not productive thoughts but I still feel them. What good am I to my husband? I know he loves me but seriously I am not what he bargained for. If I am not sick I am depressed. If I am not depressed I am fatigued and if I am not fatigued I am sick. Our medical bills are crazy. And I am still not better.

My psychiatrist and counselor think that this new medicine is causing the increase in my depression. Stupid medications. They mess with my already messy brain. But we are going to continue on for a little longer to see if the side effects get better. I have also had a headache and have been SOOOOOOOOOO tired since I started the new medication.

I am crying and I feel like I could cry for another two hours. I really feel like my husband would be better off without me. I feel like all I am good for is sex. I know in my head that is not true but I still feel that way. I feel like I don’t contribute anything to our life. I am trying to be logical but I feel so yucky. I realize that I am being irrational but I still feel these feelings. I want to change. I want to be different. Why am I not different? I don’t understand mental illness. I don’t understand me.

I am still grateful for…

231. A house that keeps me warm and sheltered.
232. Food.
233. Money to live on.
234. Family that loves me in spite of my craziness.
235. Camp Newaygo this weekend.
236. God loves me and will never leave me.
237. Funny movies.
238. Loving and supportive friends.
239. Hope.
240. An awesome dog named Jenny.

Yuck!

Warning:  This is not an uplifting post.  I talk about some very depressing things.  Please beware that this is not for the faint of heart.

5-29-10


Happy Gratitude List continued

214. I had a great time with my friend Sara yesterday. It was so good to catch up and to talk about what God is challenging us with.
215. No depression today!!!!!!
216. Nate and I are doing really well. We are very happy in spite of all the stress.
217. I got to snuggle with Vienna this morning. I love to snuggle her.
218. Yeah!!! Long family weekend.
219. I get to spend time with my mom and V tomorrow. I really miss my mom

5-30-10

220. Nate loves me in spite of all the crap I put him through.
221. Nate’s Job (even though he hates it) it provides for our family, our food, bills, entertainment, and the much needed health insurance.
222. Today sucked big time but tomorrow is another day. Yay for new mercies in
the morning.
223. God's power is really perfect in me right now because I am so very weak
right now.

6-1-10

This weekend was pretty much terrible. I have not been that depressed since before I went into the hospital. I was actually wondering if I needed to go back to the hospital. I decided against it because they don’t do that much therapy in the inpatient hospital program. Mostly they just keep you from hurting yourself. I am not really in danger of hurting myself. However, I felt so miserable the past few days that I thought a lot about suicide. I wanted to die but I knew that I needed to live. I don’t ever want to put my family through the pain of losing me like that. Nate wants me in his life and my daughter needs me. There is no other person on the earth who would love V the same way that I do. She needs her Mama. Nate could meet another woman but I know he wants me. I often wonder why when I am so depressed that I am barely functioning but I know that he wants me and loves me.

I have recently watched the movies Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2 and In Her Shoes. In both movies the mother of one of the main characters committed suicide. Those characters are left trying to figure out why their mother left them by choice. Why their mother did not want them. The thing with depression is not that we don’t want what we have rather, we feel those around us would be better off without us. Or we feel we just cannot handle the pain of the depression. On Sunday I cried all day. When I thought about not living anymore I felt like I could not handle the pain I was in any longer. I don’t really want to die. I want to feel better. I want to be there for my family and I desperately want to enjoy life. I just don’t know how much longer I can handle this overwhelming hurt that I am feeling.

It is really hard for me to admit I was thinking about dying. It seems like that is quitting and I don’t want to quit. I am not a quitter. I want to fight. Actually I am pretty tired of fighting I am ready to be victorious. It is hard to explain the agony and misery that I feel when I am feeling like it would be much easier to die. I am sure it is hard for most people to understand. I do know that people who commit suicide are sick and not necessarily weak. I know how horrible it feels when dying seems like the best option. Depression really can be fatal. It is not some silly feeling that is a weakness of the person who is depressed. We cannot just snap out of it. I want to and I am sure other folks who are depressed want to but it is just not that easy to “cheer up”. Gosh, I sure wish I could just “cheer up.” Man I wish I could!

Thank God I am feeling better today. I started a new medicine on Friday evening so it is possible that had something to do with the severe depression I was experiencing. However I am still really unstable. I cannot handle much of anything. My daughter’s whining makes me want to bang my head against the wall. My patience is so thin or even nonexistent. I am irritable (and I hate being irritable) and really “out of it.” My mind feels fuzzy, my vision feels fuzzy too.

I bumped into the car in front of me at a stop light tonight. Luckily it was an SUV so I did not damage their car. Unfortunately my car did not come out unharmed. There is a nice crack in my front bumper. I am feeling pretty numb about this incident. I am numb because if I really think about it I will be pretty devastated and start to hate myself. I know a bump is not the end of the world but I have had several of these bumps. My poor husband is trying to not be mad but I know inside he wants to take away the car keys. He works at an auto insurance company and he had to put up with the humiliation of his wife being kicked off the policy due to my many accidents. I cannot believe I let this happen again!!!! I feel so incompetent.

I suppose I should not have been driving. I started a new medicine on Friday that my psychiatrist gave me to hope improve the depression and I am still getting used to it. It warns that you should not drive until you are used to it. I started it Friday. It has been 4 days. Obviously I was wrong or am just a terrible driver. I did act responsibly after the incident. I called Nate and had him come pick me up. We will go get the other car tomorrow night if I feel I can drive safely.

I just read about the side effects of this medicine. It lists increased depression and suicidal thoughts as a possible complication of the medication. Maybe the medication was the cause of my extreme depression this past weekend. It would be nice to know that I am not getting worse. However if the medicine is the cause of this depression increase that means I will have to stop taking it. We have tried every medicine out there (literally every medicine) except for the really old MAOI anti-depressants. This is kind of a last resort as far as medication goes. The MAOI meds have TONS of side effects are rarely ever used anymore.

I am feeling like a burden again. I don’t want to tell friends and family about how I am really doing because I don’t want to stress them out. I am tired of causing people to worry. It also makes things awkward because most people don’t know what to say. I don’t expect them to say anything special but just to listen and love me. I am embarrassed that I am ST ILL struggling with this. Why can’t I just snap out of it?

Tomorrow is my daughter’s birthday. I am so bummed that I am feeling this way because I really want to make her day special. I am praying that I will wake up tomorrow full of energy so that I can make her day extra-special.

Let’s see what am I thankful for in spite of all of this?

223. Nate did not yell at me for the car incident.
224. No one was hurt.
225. The car is not totaled.
226. I can spend the day resting tomorrow (after I get the birthday stuff ready)
227. I get to go to Camp Newaygo this weekend.
228. God is still in control.
229. God is still very good.
230. I love giving presents and I get to give them to my favorite little girl tomorrow.