Wow it has actually been fourteen days since I have written. That is both a good and a bad sign. The good part is that I had a pretty good week last week. I felt somewhat normal. Yay normal! The bad part is that I let myself get out of the habit of doing something that is very good for me, something that is therapeutic and a healthy way to cope with my depression.
I spent a great deal of energy (mental, emotional and physical) and time filling out paperwork last week for my disability application. Let’s see….emotionally…..I felt a great myriad of emotions. I felt weak, defeated, needy, sad, heartbroken, hopeful, optimistic and unsettled. It was and is an extremely humbling process. I hate that I have to reach out for so much help extending as far as the government. I felt like I was admitting defeat by applying. I felt like I was letting depression win and I simply cannot have that. However have learned a great deal (and I am sure will continue to learn) throughout this process. I want what is best for my family. My medical bills are very large. I am a stay at home mom who has had to have her child in child-care. My illness has been disabling. As much as I don’t want to ask for help I simply must for the sake of my family.
This process has also affected me physically. It has drained me of so much energy. I have spent many hours sitting at the desk working on the computer. My “feeling good” time is like a rare jewel right now. I need to guard it, protect it and carefully choose who gets to have it. Spending hours on the computer is not how I wanted to spend my precious “feeling good” time. Oh well. I am done for now.
Mentally…..ahhhh mentally. I feel like a drained car battery, like someone left the light on inside overnight and now I am having trouble starting. It took so much out of me to put together coherent thoughts and sentences that I am really quite exhausted now. Thankfully I received a lot of help from my wonderful husband. My memory is terrible so I also relied on my charts at my doctor’s offices. I got to make many calls to my many doctors to compile the information that I did not remember.
So now that process is done. At least for now. Phew.
However I am still dealing with the emotional ramifications. And where does God fit into all of this? Is disability a way that He wants to provide for my family? Am I trusting Him to heal me like I should be? I need to rephrase that, am I trusting God the way I want to be? And the way He wants me to?
I saw my therapist today. He said that he can tell I am doing better by the way I present myself. I did only cry twice today. Yesterday was a very hard day. I cried a lot. But last week I went several days without crying. Yipeeeeeeee!
I went to my moms group this morning. It was nice to see everyone. Although it was very hard when people asked how my summer was. I did not know how to answer. If I answered by saying “terrible, I have been horribly depressed, my daughter has been in childcare and every area of my life is suffering because of this damn persistent depression” I would have left folks speechless. I know that the women who asked truly cared but at the same time it was not the time to be totally honest. So I simply said “ok.”
So I am doing ok. Ok is better than bad, terrible, or yucky. I will take ok. I am ok with ok right now.
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Chill Out!
Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeekkkkkk, I am totally having an anxiety evening. Nate told me I needed to go take my anxiety medicine (lovingly of course). I am extremely intense. I am trying to work on all the paper work for my disability claim and it is so stressful. I think they make it hard on purpose to try to weed out the people who really seriously need assistance. The problem is that part of my disability is anxiety. So I am going to need some major help. I have my hubby. Also my wonderful counselor has set me up with one of his students. She can get credit for her time spent helping me. I can hardly sit still and it is 9:42 pm. This is not good. I need to chill out.
Ok…breathe in…..breath out…. In…..out….in ……out........
Well, I still don’t feel better but I will continue trying to calm down. I think I will go do some relaxation exercises or something.
I am really freaked out about this whole disability thing. REALLY FREAKED OUT! I feel like I am giving up and giving in to the depression. I don’t want to do that. But….we really need the financial help. Nate is a wonderful hard working provider. But we need help with all the medical bills for me and for child-care since I am not working and am not able to watch to care for my daughter right now. Depression sucks!
Ok….it is 10:29 now. I have been working on those darn forms. I am still totally stressed so I MUST go relax and go to bed.
Ok…breathe in…..breath out…. In…..out….in ……out........
Well, I still don’t feel better but I will continue trying to calm down. I think I will go do some relaxation exercises or something.
I am really freaked out about this whole disability thing. REALLY FREAKED OUT! I feel like I am giving up and giving in to the depression. I don’t want to do that. But….we really need the financial help. Nate is a wonderful hard working provider. But we need help with all the medical bills for me and for child-care since I am not working and am not able to watch to care for my daughter right now. Depression sucks!
Ok….it is 10:29 now. I have been working on those darn forms. I am still totally stressed so I MUST go relax and go to bed.
He's There
I am feeling quite a bit better today. V is home with me because she has a little cold (I think—maybe allergies). I think I am doing ok because I have to be ok for my little girl. She starts pre-school today. I definitely did not want to miss that!!!! I sure hope she does not have a fever because she will have to miss her first day of school if she does.
Anyway, I saw my regular psychiatrist today. He is optimistic that we can find the right medication combination for me. Phew! He agrees that I should not jump back into ECT treatments. He likes that I have an open mind about different kinds of treatments and I like the same thing about him. I took V to the appointment. She is so adorable. She loves going there. My psychiatrist specializes in child and adolescent psychiatry so he has tons of toys. He has the greatest old toys that are similar to today’s Little People but much better. She really likes going with me to see this doctor. She always has felt very comfortable there. An example of this is; before V was potty trained she always pooped while we were in his office. No joke, she really did poop every time. Anyway I think she can just tell that it is a safe place where we are both cared for. My psychiatrist is fabulous. He truly cares about my wellbeing and is almost as desperate as I am to find me some relief from this depression.
We (my psychiatrist and I) talked about how the loss of health is a very real loss. The fact that Fibromyalgia and depression have and are keeping me from doing so many of the things I planned on doing is extremely sad. I feel a lot of guilt for not being the wife (partner) and mom I want to be. It has been good to put a label on that. What I mean is, it is good to know that it is ok to be grieving the loss of my health. It is good to know that it is a very real loss and that I am not being silly or selfish for grieving.
I think I am now able to go through the steps of grief and learn to be at peace with my limitations. It is time to focus on all that I can do instead of what I cannot do. I still have a lot of good to offer. It (me serving others) may not like what I thought it would but it is still something.
God still has a plan for me. He has a plan for me right now as well as in the future. I just have such a hard time seeing that on the DARK, cloudy, murky, yucky and sad depression days.
I just remembered a book I read around 20ish years ago. It is entitled Are You There God It’s Me Margaret. I sometimes feel like Margaret.
But the truth is, the amazingly beautiful and wonderful truth is that God is always with me no matter what!
Anyway, I saw my regular psychiatrist today. He is optimistic that we can find the right medication combination for me. Phew! He agrees that I should not jump back into ECT treatments. He likes that I have an open mind about different kinds of treatments and I like the same thing about him. I took V to the appointment. She is so adorable. She loves going there. My psychiatrist specializes in child and adolescent psychiatry so he has tons of toys. He has the greatest old toys that are similar to today’s Little People but much better. She really likes going with me to see this doctor. She always has felt very comfortable there. An example of this is; before V was potty trained she always pooped while we were in his office. No joke, she really did poop every time. Anyway I think she can just tell that it is a safe place where we are both cared for. My psychiatrist is fabulous. He truly cares about my wellbeing and is almost as desperate as I am to find me some relief from this depression.
We (my psychiatrist and I) talked about how the loss of health is a very real loss. The fact that Fibromyalgia and depression have and are keeping me from doing so many of the things I planned on doing is extremely sad. I feel a lot of guilt for not being the wife (partner) and mom I want to be. It has been good to put a label on that. What I mean is, it is good to know that it is ok to be grieving the loss of my health. It is good to know that it is a very real loss and that I am not being silly or selfish for grieving.
I think I am now able to go through the steps of grief and learn to be at peace with my limitations. It is time to focus on all that I can do instead of what I cannot do. I still have a lot of good to offer. It (me serving others) may not like what I thought it would but it is still something.
God still has a plan for me. He has a plan for me right now as well as in the future. I just have such a hard time seeing that on the DARK, cloudy, murky, yucky and sad depression days.
I just remembered a book I read around 20ish years ago. It is entitled Are You There God It’s Me Margaret. I sometimes feel like Margaret.
But the truth is, the amazingly beautiful and wonderful truth is that God is always with me no matter what!
Monday, September 13, 2010
Got My Groove Back
I had a really nice evening with V. Thank God!!!
It started when she woke up from her nap crying really hard. I told her to get in bed with me (I was laying down elevating my ouchy ankle). She wanted me to cuddle her. When I asked her what was wrong she said “I miss you.” She told she missed me at least three more times. We cuddled and then she asked me to sing her the moon song. So I sang. Then she asked me to sing some more. I sang her several Camp Newaygo songs along with a couple of praise songs that I learned when I first became a Christian. I love singing. What could be better than snuggling my daughter, stroking her hair and singing some of my favorite songs? Nothing. It is a memory I will cherish forever.
I could have chosen to feel guilty about the fact that she was telling me that she missed me. But I chose not to feel guilty. Yay Carly. I chose to enjoy the moment and to enjoy my daughter.
We later played outside. I hobbled to the swing-set and then sat on a chair while I pushed her. We ate dinner outside which I love to do. After dinner Nate and V got out the tee-ball set. Oh my goodness was she adorable to watch. And the best is yet to come….
After about ten minutes of hitting the ball she was ready for something new. She then proceeded to make up her own games. I sat on the grass and listened, watched and truly enjoyed my little girl. Her imagination is amazing. And even if it was only for one evening I felt like I had my Mommy groove back. I was not able to run around with her but I was able to be with her without holding back tears.
I still felt well enough later in the evening to read her books, tuck her in, pray with her and sing the moon song one more time.
Thank you Lord for a wonderful evening. I needed it.
It started when she woke up from her nap crying really hard. I told her to get in bed with me (I was laying down elevating my ouchy ankle). She wanted me to cuddle her. When I asked her what was wrong she said “I miss you.” She told she missed me at least three more times. We cuddled and then she asked me to sing her the moon song. So I sang. Then she asked me to sing some more. I sang her several Camp Newaygo songs along with a couple of praise songs that I learned when I first became a Christian. I love singing. What could be better than snuggling my daughter, stroking her hair and singing some of my favorite songs? Nothing. It is a memory I will cherish forever.
I could have chosen to feel guilty about the fact that she was telling me that she missed me. But I chose not to feel guilty. Yay Carly. I chose to enjoy the moment and to enjoy my daughter.
We later played outside. I hobbled to the swing-set and then sat on a chair while I pushed her. We ate dinner outside which I love to do. After dinner Nate and V got out the tee-ball set. Oh my goodness was she adorable to watch. And the best is yet to come….
After about ten minutes of hitting the ball she was ready for something new. She then proceeded to make up her own games. I sat on the grass and listened, watched and truly enjoyed my little girl. Her imagination is amazing. And even if it was only for one evening I felt like I had my Mommy groove back. I was not able to run around with her but I was able to be with her without holding back tears.
I still felt well enough later in the evening to read her books, tuck her in, pray with her and sing the moon song one more time.
Thank you Lord for a wonderful evening. I needed it.
Dog Poop
Written Friday 9-10-10
I don’t really feel like writing but I know that I need to. I am tired and I really just want to chill out. Today was a very hard day. I cried A LOT.
I was already struggling when my dog escaped out of our backyard. It is fenced in but she went under the fence. After calling for her in the backyard I hobbled out the front door to call for her. No luck. I left the door open just in case by some stroke of luck she would waltz back in the door. As I was tearfully trying to figure how I was going to go look for her with my sprained ankle I heard someone at the open front door. A nice young police officer woman found Jenny-Dog and had kindly brought her back to me. She asked me if I was ok several times since it was obvious I had been crying. I did my best to assure her I was ok (while inside my head I was thinking, “no I am not ok. I have been struggling with this damn depression for months now and I am tired of it.”) I am grateful she was not hit by a car.
The best part of the Jenny-Dog escape ordeal is that she came home covered in poop. Yup the dog rolled in crap and was very proud of the ways she smelled. I put her outside on her chain while I tried to figure out how I was going to give her a bath while balancing on one foot. As if I was not already having a hard time? I really didn’t need the dog to roll in poop to add to the fun of the day. Thankfully my husband came home at lunch and brought her crate up from the basement. That way I could put her in the crate (keeping her off the carpet and furniture) until Nate got home from work. Giving the dog a bath was one of the last things Nate wanted to do tonight but I am so thankful that he did it. Someone had to.
I am really crabby. And I really don’t want to write but I don’t want to get out of the habit of writing because it is so therapeutic for me.
I had my last day at the hospital program yesterday. My insurance would have paid for 3 more days but I felt like I had gotten all that I could get out of it. Plus the program is based on group therapy. I was not enjoying the current group. There was a lot of negativity with the remaining members. I did not feel that it would be beneficial for me to be around the nearly constant complaining about the men who had wronged them. The use of profanity was also nearly constant.
On top of that I was feeling confused and frustrated with the psychiatrist telling me one thing and the psychologist telling me something else. I did not totally agree with either one of them. Also the psychologist talked to us for a long time about how he thinks forgiveness is overrated. He thinks that we do not need to forgive the people who have hurt us ever. I disagree for several reasons. Mostly I disagree because I think that when we forgive the person who has hurt us we are free to move on and are no longer in bondage to the ager we felt toward that person. I have other reasons for disagreeing but as I said above I do not really feel like writing. Maybe another day.
I did learn some very good things at the program.
1. I need to forgive myself for being sick and not being the person I thought I would be.
2. I need to lower my expectations of myself at least for right now. When I am healthy again I can aim to do more.
3. Instead of focusing on what I cannot do I need to focus on what I can do.
4. I am in the process of grieving my lost health and dreams. It is ok to be sad about that sometimes.
I think there is more that I have learned but my head is fuzzy right now. So I am going to stop writing and chill out. We have a lot to do tomorrow. I need to be refreshed and energized.
I don’t really feel like writing but I know that I need to. I am tired and I really just want to chill out. Today was a very hard day. I cried A LOT.
I was already struggling when my dog escaped out of our backyard. It is fenced in but she went under the fence. After calling for her in the backyard I hobbled out the front door to call for her. No luck. I left the door open just in case by some stroke of luck she would waltz back in the door. As I was tearfully trying to figure how I was going to go look for her with my sprained ankle I heard someone at the open front door. A nice young police officer woman found Jenny-Dog and had kindly brought her back to me. She asked me if I was ok several times since it was obvious I had been crying. I did my best to assure her I was ok (while inside my head I was thinking, “no I am not ok. I have been struggling with this damn depression for months now and I am tired of it.”) I am grateful she was not hit by a car.
The best part of the Jenny-Dog escape ordeal is that she came home covered in poop. Yup the dog rolled in crap and was very proud of the ways she smelled. I put her outside on her chain while I tried to figure out how I was going to give her a bath while balancing on one foot. As if I was not already having a hard time? I really didn’t need the dog to roll in poop to add to the fun of the day. Thankfully my husband came home at lunch and brought her crate up from the basement. That way I could put her in the crate (keeping her off the carpet and furniture) until Nate got home from work. Giving the dog a bath was one of the last things Nate wanted to do tonight but I am so thankful that he did it. Someone had to.
I am really crabby. And I really don’t want to write but I don’t want to get out of the habit of writing because it is so therapeutic for me.
I had my last day at the hospital program yesterday. My insurance would have paid for 3 more days but I felt like I had gotten all that I could get out of it. Plus the program is based on group therapy. I was not enjoying the current group. There was a lot of negativity with the remaining members. I did not feel that it would be beneficial for me to be around the nearly constant complaining about the men who had wronged them. The use of profanity was also nearly constant.
On top of that I was feeling confused and frustrated with the psychiatrist telling me one thing and the psychologist telling me something else. I did not totally agree with either one of them. Also the psychologist talked to us for a long time about how he thinks forgiveness is overrated. He thinks that we do not need to forgive the people who have hurt us ever. I disagree for several reasons. Mostly I disagree because I think that when we forgive the person who has hurt us we are free to move on and are no longer in bondage to the ager we felt toward that person. I have other reasons for disagreeing but as I said above I do not really feel like writing. Maybe another day.
I did learn some very good things at the program.
1. I need to forgive myself for being sick and not being the person I thought I would be.
2. I need to lower my expectations of myself at least for right now. When I am healthy again I can aim to do more.
3. Instead of focusing on what I cannot do I need to focus on what I can do.
4. I am in the process of grieving my lost health and dreams. It is ok to be sad about that sometimes.
I think there is more that I have learned but my head is fuzzy right now. So I am going to stop writing and chill out. We have a lot to do tomorrow. I need to be refreshed and energized.
Out of Control
I really don’t feel like writing but I think I need to. It is an absolutely gorgeous day and I am inside lying around. I am not sure if it is my sprained ankle or my depression keeping me inside. It is probably both.
I hate not being able to get around. As if depression is not debilitating enough, I don’t need anything else to keep me from being active.
I have had a couple of really bad days. I have been crying a lot, feeling hopeless, and thinking about how it would be so much easier to die. The pain of the depression has been so bad that I have been thinking about wanting to die. It makes me sick to even say that but it is true. Thankfully while I am thinking about giving up my lovely daughter pops into my head and I come back to reality.
Suicide is very selfish. The people you leave behind are left confused, hurt and devastated. Although, I do understand how a person can feel so horrible that they think it is the only option. Sometimes the pain is so intense or it has been going on so long that you just want it to end. I could never do it. Whenever I think about how much it would hurt those I would leave behind I know that I must fight. I would never ever want my daughter to think that I did not want to know her or be with her as she grows up. The problem is that I feel like I am barely there right now. My friends and family have been watching her as I have been trying to get healthy.
But why aren’t I better yet?
My friend watched V this morning and then I went over and we all hung out for a while. I brought V home and all I had to do was give her a snack and put her down for her nap. I got so overwhelmed. My stupid ankle being hurt really makes things extra challenging. I am using a roll-about (a knee scooter) to get around and I have trouble getting into tight spaces. I got so frustrated trying to get into the pantry to give V some canned peaches that I started to cry. I hid the tears from V.
Then she would not listen to me so I had to give her a time-out. She kept trying to leave time-out and I had to physically put her back into the chair which was really challenging with my bad ankle. I so badly just wanted to let it go. But whenever I do that then she thinks that she is in charge rather than me. This whole ordeal was exhausting. After I finally got her down for a nap (Thank God she was really tired and she went right to sleep. She did not even want me to read her books which was good because I did not have any energy left anyway.) I felt really crappy about myself.
I was responsible for her for about 45 minutes and I could barely handle it. I certainly was not the calm, patient, loving and fun mom I want to be. I did not have fun and neither did she. I love her so much. I can’t stand that I am not able to play with her, teach her and enjoy her. I know that feeling bad about myself about this does not get me anywhere but I still feel bad. I am trying not to but I do.
As I was driving V home from my friend’s house today I realized that it is not me who is raising her right now. She is spending the majority of her time with my friends, family and Nate. They are all good people but they are not her Mama. I want to be the one who has the most influence on her. I used to be her favorite person in the world and now I feel like I am barely even in her world.
“Oh God please, please help me. Heal me. Do something. I need for this to be over. I need to be healthy and whole. I just don’t know what to do anymore.”
I hurt so much. I shake when I cry. I double over in pain sometimes. Why can’t I just pull myself together? What is wrong with me? I hate this.
I am sobbing now.
I have not showered today. The house is a mess. I have not read my Bible. I have not done relaxation.
I have prayed a little. I have iced my ankle and elevated it while I have watched LOST DVDs. Now I am making myself write. There is so much to do, so much I want and need to do that I don’t know where to start. And when I feel like I do now I just can’t handle getting started.
Ok…..breathe…….let’s look at the good things I have done today.
1. I am writing
2. I brushed my teeth and washed my face
3. I have iced my ankle twice.
4. I spent some time with my friend Rebecca
5. I gave V a snack
6. I have let the dog out (which is really hard with my ankle. I have to go down stairs and then hook her up to a chain since she has found ways to get out of our fenced in yard)
7. I checked my email and facebook.
8. I got dressed.
9. I told V I love her.
Ok……..it could be worse. I could have stayed in bed the entire day. I could have let V stay with Rebecca all day but I wanted to bring her home so she could nap.
I have got to control my thoughts. Even when I feel like I cannot control them I HAVE TO FIND A WAY TO CONTROL THEM.
Over-and-out, that is enough writing for now.
I hate not being able to get around. As if depression is not debilitating enough, I don’t need anything else to keep me from being active.
I have had a couple of really bad days. I have been crying a lot, feeling hopeless, and thinking about how it would be so much easier to die. The pain of the depression has been so bad that I have been thinking about wanting to die. It makes me sick to even say that but it is true. Thankfully while I am thinking about giving up my lovely daughter pops into my head and I come back to reality.
Suicide is very selfish. The people you leave behind are left confused, hurt and devastated. Although, I do understand how a person can feel so horrible that they think it is the only option. Sometimes the pain is so intense or it has been going on so long that you just want it to end. I could never do it. Whenever I think about how much it would hurt those I would leave behind I know that I must fight. I would never ever want my daughter to think that I did not want to know her or be with her as she grows up. The problem is that I feel like I am barely there right now. My friends and family have been watching her as I have been trying to get healthy.
But why aren’t I better yet?
My friend watched V this morning and then I went over and we all hung out for a while. I brought V home and all I had to do was give her a snack and put her down for her nap. I got so overwhelmed. My stupid ankle being hurt really makes things extra challenging. I am using a roll-about (a knee scooter) to get around and I have trouble getting into tight spaces. I got so frustrated trying to get into the pantry to give V some canned peaches that I started to cry. I hid the tears from V.
Then she would not listen to me so I had to give her a time-out. She kept trying to leave time-out and I had to physically put her back into the chair which was really challenging with my bad ankle. I so badly just wanted to let it go. But whenever I do that then she thinks that she is in charge rather than me. This whole ordeal was exhausting. After I finally got her down for a nap (Thank God she was really tired and she went right to sleep. She did not even want me to read her books which was good because I did not have any energy left anyway.) I felt really crappy about myself.
I was responsible for her for about 45 minutes and I could barely handle it. I certainly was not the calm, patient, loving and fun mom I want to be. I did not have fun and neither did she. I love her so much. I can’t stand that I am not able to play with her, teach her and enjoy her. I know that feeling bad about myself about this does not get me anywhere but I still feel bad. I am trying not to but I do.
As I was driving V home from my friend’s house today I realized that it is not me who is raising her right now. She is spending the majority of her time with my friends, family and Nate. They are all good people but they are not her Mama. I want to be the one who has the most influence on her. I used to be her favorite person in the world and now I feel like I am barely even in her world.
“Oh God please, please help me. Heal me. Do something. I need for this to be over. I need to be healthy and whole. I just don’t know what to do anymore.”
I hurt so much. I shake when I cry. I double over in pain sometimes. Why can’t I just pull myself together? What is wrong with me? I hate this.
I am sobbing now.
I have not showered today. The house is a mess. I have not read my Bible. I have not done relaxation.
I have prayed a little. I have iced my ankle and elevated it while I have watched LOST DVDs. Now I am making myself write. There is so much to do, so much I want and need to do that I don’t know where to start. And when I feel like I do now I just can’t handle getting started.
Ok…..breathe…….let’s look at the good things I have done today.
1. I am writing
2. I brushed my teeth and washed my face
3. I have iced my ankle twice.
4. I spent some time with my friend Rebecca
5. I gave V a snack
6. I have let the dog out (which is really hard with my ankle. I have to go down stairs and then hook her up to a chain since she has found ways to get out of our fenced in yard)
7. I checked my email and facebook.
8. I got dressed.
9. I told V I love her.
Ok……..it could be worse. I could have stayed in bed the entire day. I could have let V stay with Rebecca all day but I wanted to bring her home so she could nap.
I have got to control my thoughts. Even when I feel like I cannot control them I HAVE TO FIND A WAY TO CONTROL THEM.
Over-and-out, that is enough writing for now.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Trusting God
Today has been a challenging day. I felt frusterated, sad, confussed, wise, compassionate, angry, joyful, hopeless and hopeful all within the span of about four hours.
All of the group therapy time was spent on the other members today. We have five now but tomorrow we will be down to four. As I listened I felt many of the feelings I described above.
One woman was raped (brutally) at the age of 13. She became pregnant, had the baby and gave him up for adoption. Her parents discouraged her from pressing charges. They also have not talked about it at all over the years. It has been like the shameful elephant in the closet. My heart broke for her on many levels. Although I think the most damaging part of the whole ordeal was that her parents were too ashamed to press charges or talk about what happened through the years.
Another woman was molested by her step-father from the ages of 9 to 15. Her two younger sisters were molested as well. Apparently her mom had no idea about it until her younger sister acted out. Then at the age of 16 this woman was raped. All of this happened 16 years ago and she is still extremely angry. She has no desire to forgive her perpetrators. I am sad for her because the anger is eating her up inside.
The third young woman in the group just got out of an abusive relationship where the man hit her and treated her like crap. (There is also a very nice man in our group but his story is not relevant right now.)
And then there is me…..
I have dealt with some difficult things in my life. I have been hurt but I have worked through all of that, forgiven and moved on. Sure my life is not perfect. I have realized that I need to work on forgiving myself for being sick and for not being able to do what most everyone else around me is doing. I have also learned that I need be more patient with myself. But for the most part I feel loved and supported by all of my family and friends. I have an amazing husband (who cherishes, supports, hugs, loves me unconditionally, listens and who continually serves me) and daughter who adore me. There are no immediate stressors other than the normal day to day stuff. Each of these women have specific things that they can point to that is casusing their depression. I do not. I am depressed and I don’t know why.
My regular psychiatrist would say that it is the chemical imbalance in my brain. I agree. But why is it so hard to treat? Well….he would say that I have treatment resistant depression and we just have to keep trying to find the right medications to correct the imbalance. My therapist agrees with this. In the mean time I am TIRED of being depressed and I am working really hard on doing things to help myself get better.
The nurse at the program suggested that I go to Adult Children of Alcoholics meetings. So I will go. I am told to exercise so I have been and I will start up again as soon as my ankle has healed. I am told to meditate and/or pray and I do. I am frustrated, sad and confussed about why I am still struggling with depression. The psychiatrist at the program was not very helpful. In fact it was after I saw her that I started crying and feeling frustrated. I am not a big fan of her.
On my lunch break I called my regular therapist (that I see every week) and he took time out of his lunch break to talk with me. I was crying about how frustrated I was/am with this damn depression still lingering on. He listened to me, encouraged me, offered suggestions and prayed with me. I am so thankful that I was able to call him and to gain some perspective. He is wise, kind, challenging, thoughtful and very good at his job. I am extremely blessed to have a talented well educated therapist who respects and shares my faith.
God blessed me through my devotional Jesus Calling this morning.
The September 8 entry is as follows:
ACCEPT EACH DAY exactly as it comes to you. By that, I mean not only the circumstances of your day but also the condition of your body. Your assignment is to trust Me absolutely, resting in My sovereignty and faithfulness.
On some days, your circumstances and your physical condition feel out of balance: The demands on you seem far greater than your strength. Days like that present a choice between two alternatives—giving up or relying on Me. Even if you wrongly choose the first alternative, I will not reject you. You can turn to Me at any point, and I will help you crawl out of the mire of discouragement. I will infuse My strength into you moment by moment, giving you all that you need for this day. Trust Me, by relying on My empowering Presence.
(Based on the Scriptures, Psalm 42:5, 2 Corinthians 13:4 and Jeremiah 31.25)
Thanks God for speaking right to me! I love how it says to not only accept your circumstances but also the condition of your body (hello sprained ankle, fibromyalgia pain and depression). God had been teaching me a great deal about relying on Him. It has not been an easy lesson but I am beginning to see that depending on Him and doing things His way is the best way to go.
P.S. I wrote about hate the other day. I want to say that I am against hating people. However, sometimes circumstances are worthy of our hatred. Also hating something or someone drains us of a lot of energy. It is energy that we cannot get back so it is much better to deal with whatever (or whoever) you are hating so that you can move on and live a joy filled life.
Happy List
I am so thankful…
422. For my amazing, thoughtful, wonderful and caring therapist. He rocks!
423. That I have been spared from some of the pain that the women in my group have endured.
424. That I can honestly say that I have forgiven those who have hurt me (still working on myself) and I am free because of it.
425. That I love-love-LOVE my husband.
426. That I can trust God and trust that He loves me more than I could ever imagine.
All of the group therapy time was spent on the other members today. We have five now but tomorrow we will be down to four. As I listened I felt many of the feelings I described above.
One woman was raped (brutally) at the age of 13. She became pregnant, had the baby and gave him up for adoption. Her parents discouraged her from pressing charges. They also have not talked about it at all over the years. It has been like the shameful elephant in the closet. My heart broke for her on many levels. Although I think the most damaging part of the whole ordeal was that her parents were too ashamed to press charges or talk about what happened through the years.
Another woman was molested by her step-father from the ages of 9 to 15. Her two younger sisters were molested as well. Apparently her mom had no idea about it until her younger sister acted out. Then at the age of 16 this woman was raped. All of this happened 16 years ago and she is still extremely angry. She has no desire to forgive her perpetrators. I am sad for her because the anger is eating her up inside.
The third young woman in the group just got out of an abusive relationship where the man hit her and treated her like crap. (There is also a very nice man in our group but his story is not relevant right now.)
And then there is me…..
I have dealt with some difficult things in my life. I have been hurt but I have worked through all of that, forgiven and moved on. Sure my life is not perfect. I have realized that I need to work on forgiving myself for being sick and for not being able to do what most everyone else around me is doing. I have also learned that I need be more patient with myself. But for the most part I feel loved and supported by all of my family and friends. I have an amazing husband (who cherishes, supports, hugs, loves me unconditionally, listens and who continually serves me) and daughter who adore me. There are no immediate stressors other than the normal day to day stuff. Each of these women have specific things that they can point to that is casusing their depression. I do not. I am depressed and I don’t know why.
My regular psychiatrist would say that it is the chemical imbalance in my brain. I agree. But why is it so hard to treat? Well….he would say that I have treatment resistant depression and we just have to keep trying to find the right medications to correct the imbalance. My therapist agrees with this. In the mean time I am TIRED of being depressed and I am working really hard on doing things to help myself get better.
The nurse at the program suggested that I go to Adult Children of Alcoholics meetings. So I will go. I am told to exercise so I have been and I will start up again as soon as my ankle has healed. I am told to meditate and/or pray and I do. I am frustrated, sad and confussed about why I am still struggling with depression. The psychiatrist at the program was not very helpful. In fact it was after I saw her that I started crying and feeling frustrated. I am not a big fan of her.
On my lunch break I called my regular therapist (that I see every week) and he took time out of his lunch break to talk with me. I was crying about how frustrated I was/am with this damn depression still lingering on. He listened to me, encouraged me, offered suggestions and prayed with me. I am so thankful that I was able to call him and to gain some perspective. He is wise, kind, challenging, thoughtful and very good at his job. I am extremely blessed to have a talented well educated therapist who respects and shares my faith.
God blessed me through my devotional Jesus Calling this morning.
The September 8 entry is as follows:
ACCEPT EACH DAY exactly as it comes to you. By that, I mean not only the circumstances of your day but also the condition of your body. Your assignment is to trust Me absolutely, resting in My sovereignty and faithfulness.
On some days, your circumstances and your physical condition feel out of balance: The demands on you seem far greater than your strength. Days like that present a choice between two alternatives—giving up or relying on Me. Even if you wrongly choose the first alternative, I will not reject you. You can turn to Me at any point, and I will help you crawl out of the mire of discouragement. I will infuse My strength into you moment by moment, giving you all that you need for this day. Trust Me, by relying on My empowering Presence.
(Based on the Scriptures, Psalm 42:5, 2 Corinthians 13:4 and Jeremiah 31.25)
Thanks God for speaking right to me! I love how it says to not only accept your circumstances but also the condition of your body (hello sprained ankle, fibromyalgia pain and depression). God had been teaching me a great deal about relying on Him. It has not been an easy lesson but I am beginning to see that depending on Him and doing things His way is the best way to go.
P.S. I wrote about hate the other day. I want to say that I am against hating people. However, sometimes circumstances are worthy of our hatred. Also hating something or someone drains us of a lot of energy. It is energy that we cannot get back so it is much better to deal with whatever (or whoever) you are hating so that you can move on and live a joy filled life.
Happy List
I am so thankful…
422. For my amazing, thoughtful, wonderful and caring therapist. He rocks!
423. That I have been spared from some of the pain that the women in my group have endured.
424. That I can honestly say that I have forgiven those who have hurt me (still working on myself) and I am free because of it.
425. That I love-love-LOVE my husband.
426. That I can trust God and trust that He loves me more than I could ever imagine.
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