Today has been really rough. In fact it has pretty much sucked. So I think it is time for a happy list.
Happy List
I am so grateful for…..
1. Getting to visit my sister and fabulous friend last weekend
2. Praying friends
3. Loving and encouraging friends and family
4. Fall in Michigan
5. Days without pain
6. My kind doctor who is doing everything he can to help
7. My daughter’s laughter
8. My loving, loyal and steadfast husband
9. The nights I get good sleep
10. The pretty leaves
11. That I am going to have a new niece or nephew
12. The rainbow after the rain
13. Health insurance
14. My new purple shoes
15. Getting to see an old (good) friend tomorrow
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Still Tired
My heart is heavy and sad. I feel overwhelmed. Why do I have such a hard time being strong, energetic, stable, consistent and healthy?
Being a mom is a challenging job. I don’t expect to be perfect but I do want to be great. I want to protect my little girl’s mind and heart from all the bad things in the world until she is old enough to take them on with confidence. I want to raise her to be polite, KIND, considerate, gracious, CONFIDENT, full of hope and full of the knowledge that God loves her more than she could ever imagine.
I am tired.
I am tired of still struggling with depression. I am tired of STILL struggling to be stable, calm, patient, confident and strong. I am tired of being tired and having no energy. I don’t understand why I can’t just keep “it” together. I am so tired. And I just had a wonderful weekend away with my sister and fabulous friend. So why am I so tired?
I have been doing better lately. But not better enough. I am still in need of so much help and healing. I feel so weak. Why can’t I just pull myself together once and for all?
I hurt. I ache. I am sad and overwhelmed.
I want to have standards for how I raise my daughter. I do have some standards. But often times I am so tired that I compromise.
I don’t want to be a burden.
I don’t want to hurt anymore.
My psychiatrist took me off one of my antidepressants (Paxil) because of the side effects. It was causing anxiety, libido and urinary issues. It has also been making it extremely hard for me to fall asleep at night. Maybe that is why I am so tired. Anyway I was torn about going off the medicine because I have been doing a lot better as far as depression goes.
I was visiting my sister and she shared her concern for me going off it as well. She has noticed a big difference in me the past couple of weeks. And now here I am crying and feeling overwhelmed.
Granted when I was with her this weekend I had no stress and no responsibilities. I was on vacation. I could do whatever I wanted, sleep in and focus on having fun. Now I am home. I have an extremely messy house to try to clean up, thank you notes to write, meals to make and self care stuff (journaling, praying, exercising, relaxation, cognitive exercises and reading my Bible) to do. I have social commitments to meet, family to see and a husband to love and support. I also have a daughter who has a bit of an attitude problem. She is into being defiant and argumentative with her father and me. Don’t get me wrong, she is sweet, fun and is almost always delightful for other people. She is just extremely into challenging us. It takes so much energy to be consistent and not put up with disrespectful and unacceptable behavior. I feel tired and inadequate most of the time.
So is the medicine change the problem? Am I the problem? I hate this damn problem.
I just went into my daughter’s room to sing her some songs as I rubbed her back. I sang her the song All In ALL.
The first verse and chorus are as follows:
You are my strength when I am weak
You are the treasure that I seek
You are my all in all
When I fall down you pick me up
When I am dry you fill my cup
You are my all in all
Jesus, Lamb of God
Worthy is your name
Jesus, Lamb of God
Worthy is your name
“I feel weak God. Will you please be my strength?” I believe that God’s name is worthy of being praised. I believe he has a plan for me. I just don’t understand this damn depression.
I definitely think that there are some things in life that we just won’t understand. God created the heavens and the earth, his mind is much larger than mine. I often cannot see the big picture and he can.
“But God I am tired. I do need you. I do need your strength because I am feeling very weak. I am physically, mentally and emotionally tired. I don’t know how to do everything that needs to get done. I have shortened my “to do” list to the bare minimum and I still cannot handle it all. Please help me. Please give me wisdom. Please give me energy. Please make the hurt stop. Please be with me right now as I am crying. Please oh Lord, please…..”
I went to my mom group this morning. The women in my group are amazing. They love me, love God and love being moms. We are all in agreement that parenting is a really really challenging task.
I know that many people would say that I need to relax and that I am doing a fine job raising V. That she is ok. The problem is that I don’t want to do just a fine job. I want to do an excellent job. I have chosen to be a mommy as my full time job (all moms are full time I have just chosen to make it my day job too). And this depression is really getting in the way of my desire to be a great mom. It would be getting in the way of me being an insurance agent too if that were my day job. It is causing problems in all areas of my life. I hate it. I want it gone. Arggg now I am getting frustrated.
Thank goodness tomorrow is a new day. I can start over again.
Thank you to all of you who have listened to me ramble. I am sad tonight. But God is still good. Tomorrow is another day. Thank God!
Being a mom is a challenging job. I don’t expect to be perfect but I do want to be great. I want to protect my little girl’s mind and heart from all the bad things in the world until she is old enough to take them on with confidence. I want to raise her to be polite, KIND, considerate, gracious, CONFIDENT, full of hope and full of the knowledge that God loves her more than she could ever imagine.
I am tired.
I am tired of still struggling with depression. I am tired of STILL struggling to be stable, calm, patient, confident and strong. I am tired of being tired and having no energy. I don’t understand why I can’t just keep “it” together. I am so tired. And I just had a wonderful weekend away with my sister and fabulous friend. So why am I so tired?
I have been doing better lately. But not better enough. I am still in need of so much help and healing. I feel so weak. Why can’t I just pull myself together once and for all?
I hurt. I ache. I am sad and overwhelmed.
I want to have standards for how I raise my daughter. I do have some standards. But often times I am so tired that I compromise.
I don’t want to be a burden.
I don’t want to hurt anymore.
My psychiatrist took me off one of my antidepressants (Paxil) because of the side effects. It was causing anxiety, libido and urinary issues. It has also been making it extremely hard for me to fall asleep at night. Maybe that is why I am so tired. Anyway I was torn about going off the medicine because I have been doing a lot better as far as depression goes.
I was visiting my sister and she shared her concern for me going off it as well. She has noticed a big difference in me the past couple of weeks. And now here I am crying and feeling overwhelmed.
Granted when I was with her this weekend I had no stress and no responsibilities. I was on vacation. I could do whatever I wanted, sleep in and focus on having fun. Now I am home. I have an extremely messy house to try to clean up, thank you notes to write, meals to make and self care stuff (journaling, praying, exercising, relaxation, cognitive exercises and reading my Bible) to do. I have social commitments to meet, family to see and a husband to love and support. I also have a daughter who has a bit of an attitude problem. She is into being defiant and argumentative with her father and me. Don’t get me wrong, she is sweet, fun and is almost always delightful for other people. She is just extremely into challenging us. It takes so much energy to be consistent and not put up with disrespectful and unacceptable behavior. I feel tired and inadequate most of the time.
So is the medicine change the problem? Am I the problem? I hate this damn problem.
I just went into my daughter’s room to sing her some songs as I rubbed her back. I sang her the song All In ALL.
The first verse and chorus are as follows:
You are my strength when I am weak
You are the treasure that I seek
You are my all in all
When I fall down you pick me up
When I am dry you fill my cup
You are my all in all
Jesus, Lamb of God
Worthy is your name
Jesus, Lamb of God
Worthy is your name
“I feel weak God. Will you please be my strength?” I believe that God’s name is worthy of being praised. I believe he has a plan for me. I just don’t understand this damn depression.
I definitely think that there are some things in life that we just won’t understand. God created the heavens and the earth, his mind is much larger than mine. I often cannot see the big picture and he can.
“But God I am tired. I do need you. I do need your strength because I am feeling very weak. I am physically, mentally and emotionally tired. I don’t know how to do everything that needs to get done. I have shortened my “to do” list to the bare minimum and I still cannot handle it all. Please help me. Please give me wisdom. Please give me energy. Please make the hurt stop. Please be with me right now as I am crying. Please oh Lord, please…..”
I went to my mom group this morning. The women in my group are amazing. They love me, love God and love being moms. We are all in agreement that parenting is a really really challenging task.
I know that many people would say that I need to relax and that I am doing a fine job raising V. That she is ok. The problem is that I don’t want to do just a fine job. I want to do an excellent job. I have chosen to be a mommy as my full time job (all moms are full time I have just chosen to make it my day job too). And this depression is really getting in the way of my desire to be a great mom. It would be getting in the way of me being an insurance agent too if that were my day job. It is causing problems in all areas of my life. I hate it. I want it gone. Arggg now I am getting frustrated.
Thank goodness tomorrow is a new day. I can start over again.
Thank you to all of you who have listened to me ramble. I am sad tonight. But God is still good. Tomorrow is another day. Thank God!
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Coffee Talk
This week is flying by. I have been like a roller coaster. Up –down-and-all-around.
I was feeling very depressed yesterday. I could not muster up the energy to go see my therapist. Probably a very bad move but I just could not do it.
Later in the evening I wanted to cancel my plans with my childhood friend D who I had not seen in at least a year. I wanted to see her but the depression was clouding my judgment. Luckily my hubby talked me into going.
We had fabulous coffee talk. It was so good to catch up and laugh! Laughter truly is the best medicine. I love to laugh. I miss it so much when I am depressed.
D has moved back to the area and I am delighted. I am excited to spend time with her and her beautiful girls. It is funny how life is like a circle. We have known each other since she was 8 and I was 9. Now at almost 33 and 34 (our birthdays are 4 days apart this month) we are in the same place at the same time. This friend and I went to camp together and I am thinking of a camp song.
All My Life’s a Circle
CHORUS:
All my life’s a circle, sunrise and sundown
Moon rolls through the night time,
Til the day break comes around.
All my life’s a circle. I can’t tell you why.
Seasons spinning round again,
The years keep rolling by.
Seems like I’ve been here before,
Can’t remember when.
I’ve got this funny feeling
That we’ll all be together again.
No straight lines make up my life.
All the roads have bends.
There’s no clear cut beginning,
And so far no dead ends.
I’ve found you a thousand times,
Guess you’ve done the same.
Then we lose each other;
It’s just like a children’s game.
As I find you here again,
A thought runs through my mind.
Our love is like a circle;
Let’s go round one more time.
Ahhh sweet Camp Newaygo memories, they always make me smile. It is funny how we thought our lives were complicated back then but they were really very simple and glorious. We used to talk about the “real world” verses the camp bubble. It was a bubble in many ways but we also learned so many irreplaceable life lessons. It was my safe haven for many years.
Anyway….back to seeing D again, we met for coffee and had a glorious time catching up and laughing. I cried as I shared about my struggle with depression but let’s face it, crying is nothing new for me. She listened and loved on me. We have actually known each other for 15 years. She is one of my oldest friends. Thank you so much D for the laughter, love and fun memories. I am looking forward to many new wonderful memories with you.
I enjoyed my daughter today. That is truly a victory. There have been so many days when I have not enjoyed anything. I am so grateful that I am feeling a bit better. It feels wonderful to feel. It feels wonderful to feel good and experience enjoyment.
I did not get anything done around the house today (except two loads of laundry) but I enjoyed V. I think that is definitely a good (victorious) day.
I was feeling very depressed yesterday. I could not muster up the energy to go see my therapist. Probably a very bad move but I just could not do it.
Later in the evening I wanted to cancel my plans with my childhood friend D who I had not seen in at least a year. I wanted to see her but the depression was clouding my judgment. Luckily my hubby talked me into going.
We had fabulous coffee talk. It was so good to catch up and laugh! Laughter truly is the best medicine. I love to laugh. I miss it so much when I am depressed.
D has moved back to the area and I am delighted. I am excited to spend time with her and her beautiful girls. It is funny how life is like a circle. We have known each other since she was 8 and I was 9. Now at almost 33 and 34 (our birthdays are 4 days apart this month) we are in the same place at the same time. This friend and I went to camp together and I am thinking of a camp song.
All My Life’s a Circle
CHORUS:
All my life’s a circle, sunrise and sundown
Moon rolls through the night time,
Til the day break comes around.
All my life’s a circle. I can’t tell you why.
Seasons spinning round again,
The years keep rolling by.
Seems like I’ve been here before,
Can’t remember when.
I’ve got this funny feeling
That we’ll all be together again.
No straight lines make up my life.
All the roads have bends.
There’s no clear cut beginning,
And so far no dead ends.
I’ve found you a thousand times,
Guess you’ve done the same.
Then we lose each other;
It’s just like a children’s game.
As I find you here again,
A thought runs through my mind.
Our love is like a circle;
Let’s go round one more time.
Ahhh sweet Camp Newaygo memories, they always make me smile. It is funny how we thought our lives were complicated back then but they were really very simple and glorious. We used to talk about the “real world” verses the camp bubble. It was a bubble in many ways but we also learned so many irreplaceable life lessons. It was my safe haven for many years.
Anyway….back to seeing D again, we met for coffee and had a glorious time catching up and laughing. I cried as I shared about my struggle with depression but let’s face it, crying is nothing new for me. She listened and loved on me. We have actually known each other for 15 years. She is one of my oldest friends. Thank you so much D for the laughter, love and fun memories. I am looking forward to many new wonderful memories with you.
I enjoyed my daughter today. That is truly a victory. There have been so many days when I have not enjoyed anything. I am so grateful that I am feeling a bit better. It feels wonderful to feel. It feels wonderful to feel good and experience enjoyment.
I did not get anything done around the house today (except two loads of laundry) but I enjoyed V. I think that is definitely a good (victorious) day.
Friday, October 8, 2010
I Believe
I have been singing to my daughter at night when she has trouble falling asleep. First I sing her I See the Moon from Camp Newaygo and second, Barges also from Camp Newaygo. The third song that I go to is a song that I learned in High School at a retreat called Happening. The words have speaking to my hear as I have been singing them. The words are as follows:
I believe in Jesus
I believe He is the Son of God
I believe He died and rose again
And He’s coming back to take us home
And I believe that He is here now
Standing in our midst
With the power to heal now
And the Grace to forgive
I have been thinking to myself how this is a beautiful simple proclamation of my faith. This is what I believe. I often get stuck on the words “with the power to heal now.” God does have the power to heal me. And I believe he is healing me it just happens to be in his timeline rather than mine.
I believe that God has the power to heal me completely right now. This very second. Why he doesn’t, I am not sure. But I do know that God has a plan for my life. I know that he is good and that he loves me more than I can possibly imagine. I believe in Jesus. I believe he is the son of God. I believe he died and rose again and he’s coming back to take us home. And I believe that he’s here now standing in our midst with the power to heal now and the grace to forgive. Thank you Jesus for you love, forgiveness, presence, and healing power.
I believe in Jesus
I believe He is the Son of God
I believe He died and rose again
And He’s coming back to take us home
And I believe that He is here now
Standing in our midst
With the power to heal now
And the Grace to forgive
I have been thinking to myself how this is a beautiful simple proclamation of my faith. This is what I believe. I often get stuck on the words “with the power to heal now.” God does have the power to heal me. And I believe he is healing me it just happens to be in his timeline rather than mine.
I believe that God has the power to heal me completely right now. This very second. Why he doesn’t, I am not sure. But I do know that God has a plan for my life. I know that he is good and that he loves me more than I can possibly imagine. I believe in Jesus. I believe he is the son of God. I believe he died and rose again and he’s coming back to take us home. And I believe that he’s here now standing in our midst with the power to heal now and the grace to forgive. Thank you Jesus for you love, forgiveness, presence, and healing power.
Thursday, October 7, 2010
The Storm Part II
Arrgg the depression storm rages on. But I have been seeing some calmer weather lately.
I was thinking on the way home from my therapy appointment about how truly blessed I am to have the friendships that I do. I was thinking about how I have not had energy to take care of or bless anyone else lately. Depression is selfish. I am very selfish when I am depressed. I was thinking about how much my depression has affected my family (Nate, V, parents, etc…). And then my thoughts drifted to my friends. I know that I have not been a great friend lately but I don’t feel like a bad one either.
I realized how very blessed I am to have friends who truly love me for who I am. They have not put expectations on me. They love me right now while I am not easy to love even though I have nothing to offer them in return. Thank you to all of my wonderful friends. I do not know what I would have done without you. There have been times that I have felt burdensome but you have reminded me that I am not a burden to you. Thank you. I must say it again, thank you. I have tears in my eyes but they are happy tears, tears of blessing and joy. I feel so very grateful that I have not destroyed any friendships during this dreadful time in my life. Granted I have not nurtured many of my relationships but I have not damaged them too much either. I am looking forward to being healthy so that I can bless the socks off all of you fabulous friends. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for being you. Thank you for loving me.
Back to my family and how they have weathered this storm. To my parents, step-parents and sister, I cannot imagine how difficult it has been for you to see me like this. I know that my heart would break if I saw V suffering the way that I have been. My heart would break. I would ache and want to do anything and everything I could do to fix it. Thank you for hurting along with me and loving me through this. I know that it is hard for you to not be able to fix it but I hope that you are encouraged by the fact that I will never give up. I will never ever give up fighting for my health, peace and joy. Depression is a battle I am determined to win.
To my wonderful hubby…thank you, a million times thank you. You have loved, encouraged, and helped me so much during this long and brutal battle. You too have wanted to fix it. And I know that it has broken your heart to not be able to fix “it” (my depression). Thank you for your patience. Thank you for your constant love and support. I love you so very much. I don’t just love you but I am in love with you. We are strong as a couple and so very committed. I am so thankful that we have had each other for the past almost 10 years.
Well I have deviated from my subject some. I had been talking about all the damage the depression storm has caused. Damage that I wish I could change but I cannot. Damage that I admit responsibility for but am desperately trying not to feel guilty about.
My poor sweet adorable daughter has suffered. She has missed her Mommy. Life has been unstable and toddlers thrive in stability and routine. She is very clingy right now and frequently wants cuddles. She will look up at me with her big brown eyes, with a partial pout on her face and say “Cuddles? I need cuddles.” She does the same to her daddy. She is very smart so she has also learned to manipulate us with the request for cuddles. She also frequently says to me, “I miss you Mommy.” Man has she learned that saying that gets my attention. It just pulls at my heart strings and I feel regret for all the time that I have been away from her lately. She wants to stay home pretty much all the time. She simply wants to be home with me and not off with other people. She has been able to be home more lately but I am still not well enough to care for her full time. I am sorry baby. I regret that I have not been able to be there for you as much as I would have liked to over this past year. I love you so much. I won’t stop fighting. Your Mommy is fighter and you are especially worth fighting for.
I had originally mentioned that my house, social life and dog have also suffered from this storm. I think they will recover. It is not the end of the world if my house is a mess. I really want to get it cleaned up because life is much more peaceful when the space you live in is not chaotic and messy. I am realizing that it is not going to happen overnight. I want it clean NOW but I will have to settle for a little bit at a time. I keep telling myself that a little less mess is better than no improvement at all. It is still hard to accept. I want what I want and I want it now. Wow that certainly sounded selfish.
As for my social life and dog they will recover also. As the storm rages on hopefully it will become less threatening and more docile. It takes time to heal. But I am confident that healing will come. Thank you Lord for helping me through this storm.
Happy List for 10-7-10
I am so thankful for…..
441. The beautiful fall day we had today
442. My new hair cut
443. Our freshly vacuumed floor
444. Good friends, R and M, coming over tomorrow (Yay swing set, lunch outside, tricycle riding and good conversation for me.
445. The surprise blessing that I got from my friend J yesterday. Her kindness and sincerity touched my aching heart.
446. J’s willingness to help however she can
447. Not needing crutches or knee scooter anymore.
448. My ankle is almost being better. Just a couple of more weeks in the air cast.
449. Visiting my sister and fabulous friend Meg in Colorado in 14 days
450. Getting to see my beloved friend Bethany from college in 10 days (She lives far away but will be visiting Michigan next week.)
451. God is always being with me
452. Emily making me laugh yesterday
453. My sunshine Sandi who I got to talk to yesterday
454. V’s room is picked up (not organized but picked up)
455. My clean clothes are hanging in the closet
456. The yummy rice we had for dinner (thanks for cooking Nate)
457. The fact that “I can do everything through Him who gives me strength” –Philippians 4:13
458. That I am feeling a bit better
459. The fact that I can be “strong in the Lord and in his mighty power” –Ephesians 6:10
460. Yummy ice cream
461. A restful night of sleep last night
462. The wise words I got from my friend K yesterday
463. Hope
I was thinking on the way home from my therapy appointment about how truly blessed I am to have the friendships that I do. I was thinking about how I have not had energy to take care of or bless anyone else lately. Depression is selfish. I am very selfish when I am depressed. I was thinking about how much my depression has affected my family (Nate, V, parents, etc…). And then my thoughts drifted to my friends. I know that I have not been a great friend lately but I don’t feel like a bad one either.
I realized how very blessed I am to have friends who truly love me for who I am. They have not put expectations on me. They love me right now while I am not easy to love even though I have nothing to offer them in return. Thank you to all of my wonderful friends. I do not know what I would have done without you. There have been times that I have felt burdensome but you have reminded me that I am not a burden to you. Thank you. I must say it again, thank you. I have tears in my eyes but they are happy tears, tears of blessing and joy. I feel so very grateful that I have not destroyed any friendships during this dreadful time in my life. Granted I have not nurtured many of my relationships but I have not damaged them too much either. I am looking forward to being healthy so that I can bless the socks off all of you fabulous friends. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for being you. Thank you for loving me.
Back to my family and how they have weathered this storm. To my parents, step-parents and sister, I cannot imagine how difficult it has been for you to see me like this. I know that my heart would break if I saw V suffering the way that I have been. My heart would break. I would ache and want to do anything and everything I could do to fix it. Thank you for hurting along with me and loving me through this. I know that it is hard for you to not be able to fix it but I hope that you are encouraged by the fact that I will never give up. I will never ever give up fighting for my health, peace and joy. Depression is a battle I am determined to win.
To my wonderful hubby…thank you, a million times thank you. You have loved, encouraged, and helped me so much during this long and brutal battle. You too have wanted to fix it. And I know that it has broken your heart to not be able to fix “it” (my depression). Thank you for your patience. Thank you for your constant love and support. I love you so very much. I don’t just love you but I am in love with you. We are strong as a couple and so very committed. I am so thankful that we have had each other for the past almost 10 years.
Well I have deviated from my subject some. I had been talking about all the damage the depression storm has caused. Damage that I wish I could change but I cannot. Damage that I admit responsibility for but am desperately trying not to feel guilty about.
My poor sweet adorable daughter has suffered. She has missed her Mommy. Life has been unstable and toddlers thrive in stability and routine. She is very clingy right now and frequently wants cuddles. She will look up at me with her big brown eyes, with a partial pout on her face and say “Cuddles? I need cuddles.” She does the same to her daddy. She is very smart so she has also learned to manipulate us with the request for cuddles. She also frequently says to me, “I miss you Mommy.” Man has she learned that saying that gets my attention. It just pulls at my heart strings and I feel regret for all the time that I have been away from her lately. She wants to stay home pretty much all the time. She simply wants to be home with me and not off with other people. She has been able to be home more lately but I am still not well enough to care for her full time. I am sorry baby. I regret that I have not been able to be there for you as much as I would have liked to over this past year. I love you so much. I won’t stop fighting. Your Mommy is fighter and you are especially worth fighting for.
I had originally mentioned that my house, social life and dog have also suffered from this storm. I think they will recover. It is not the end of the world if my house is a mess. I really want to get it cleaned up because life is much more peaceful when the space you live in is not chaotic and messy. I am realizing that it is not going to happen overnight. I want it clean NOW but I will have to settle for a little bit at a time. I keep telling myself that a little less mess is better than no improvement at all. It is still hard to accept. I want what I want and I want it now. Wow that certainly sounded selfish.
As for my social life and dog they will recover also. As the storm rages on hopefully it will become less threatening and more docile. It takes time to heal. But I am confident that healing will come. Thank you Lord for helping me through this storm.
Happy List for 10-7-10
I am so thankful for…..
441. The beautiful fall day we had today
442. My new hair cut
443. Our freshly vacuumed floor
444. Good friends, R and M, coming over tomorrow (Yay swing set, lunch outside, tricycle riding and good conversation for me.
445. The surprise blessing that I got from my friend J yesterday. Her kindness and sincerity touched my aching heart.
446. J’s willingness to help however she can
447. Not needing crutches or knee scooter anymore.
448. My ankle is almost being better. Just a couple of more weeks in the air cast.
449. Visiting my sister and fabulous friend Meg in Colorado in 14 days
450. Getting to see my beloved friend Bethany from college in 10 days (She lives far away but will be visiting Michigan next week.)
451. God is always being with me
452. Emily making me laugh yesterday
453. My sunshine Sandi who I got to talk to yesterday
454. V’s room is picked up (not organized but picked up)
455. My clean clothes are hanging in the closet
456. The yummy rice we had for dinner (thanks for cooking Nate)
457. The fact that “I can do everything through Him who gives me strength” –Philippians 4:13
458. That I am feeling a bit better
459. The fact that I can be “strong in the Lord and in his mighty power” –Ephesians 6:10
460. Yummy ice cream
461. A restful night of sleep last night
462. The wise words I got from my friend K yesterday
463. Hope
Saturday, October 2, 2010
The Storm
10-1-10
I can’t believe it is October. I can’t believe I turn 34 in twenty days. Where has my life gone? There were so many things I wanted to do. And then I got sick and depressed. Now I will be thrilled with simply not being depressed. I would be content simply serving God and my family. I don’t need any exciting adventures. I just want to be healthy and have enough energy to enjoy my family. I would really like to have another baby but I am not holding my breath. I need to be stable and healthy first and foremost.
It does not help that my daughter keeps talking about when we have a baby how she will be the big sister and we will do this and that. I am not ready to let go of the dream of having another baby but I am not holding on too tight either.
I was thinking the other day how this depression has been like a huge destructive storm. Now I have to work through the wreckage and try to repair all the damage that was done. My marriage, husband, daughter, family, friends, house, social life, dog, and more have all suffered from this storm. My husband loves me but he often does not know what to expect.
I am soooooooooooooooooooo tired. I need to go take a nap. Hopefully I will have time to do this later.
10-2-10
I am back. So back to the destructive depression storm, it has really done a number on my marriage. As I was saying above Nate does not know what to expect. As he drives home from work he is probably thinking about what he should expect. Is his wife depressed, anxious, stressed out, irritable, happy, stable, ready to explode etc…? That is tough on a person. It is difficult to live in the midst of instability and chaos. Nate has shut down in many areas of our marriage. Talking to me about his thoughts and feelings is not always safe. He is not sure if I will react rationally and maturely or if I will be self focused, defensive and insecure. Man I hate what depression does to me. I have worked so hard to draw Nate out of his old ways of not sharing feelings and then I go and get depressed forcing him back into his shell.
The wreckage of our marriage continues. When I am depressed I am focused on myself. I am simply trying to hold on and survive the day. So I have certainly not been filing Nate’s love tank very much. Many of his needs have been pushed aside. We have been using all of our energy to get me healthy that his health has suffered. A person can only take an irritable partner for so long before they start taking it personally. Even though it is not personal eventually Nate starts to get his feelings hurt. I don’t blame him. And then there is the terrible part where he has to watch me suffer (and cry A LOT) and he is not able to do anything to fix it. We as humans hate to watch those we love suffer. It especially hard to watch someone you see every day suffer so much day after day. He wants to fix it but he can’t and that can make him feel like a failure as a husband. He knows that he is not a failure but those feelings still come up sometimes.
There is a lot more that I could say about how depression has reeked havoc on my marriage but that is all I have energy for right now. It makes me sad. I am sad that we have so much repair work to do. But I am so so so grateful that I have a loving, committed, strong, loyal, faithful, patient husband who truly loves me and is in no way going to give up on me.
I am really tired lately. I think I am fighting a cold but mostly I think my body and mind are tired of this battle with depression. I could probably go to bed now and it is only 7:52 pm. It would not be the kind of depressed I need to escape my life sleep, rather true blue I am so tired and my body needs to get good rest kind of sleep. I even took a nap today.
Happy/Gratitude List
I am so thankful…
427. For laughing with V this morning
428. For V’s singing
429. For singing Camp Newaygo songs with V
430. That I am going to be going to Colorado to visit my sister and treasured friend in 19 days.
431. That my hubby still thinks I am sexy
432. That it is fall. I love fall.
433. That my daughter LOVES to cuddle. I love to cuddle too.
434. For laughter in general
435. For chick flicks
436. For my warm snugly bed
437. For yummy waffles
438. For the silly dancing my daughter and I do together
439. For facebook
440. My wonderful friends
I realize that many of the things on my list are repeats of things I have said before but it is still fun to keep a running tab off all the things that I am and have been thankful for.
I can’t believe it is October. I can’t believe I turn 34 in twenty days. Where has my life gone? There were so many things I wanted to do. And then I got sick and depressed. Now I will be thrilled with simply not being depressed. I would be content simply serving God and my family. I don’t need any exciting adventures. I just want to be healthy and have enough energy to enjoy my family. I would really like to have another baby but I am not holding my breath. I need to be stable and healthy first and foremost.
It does not help that my daughter keeps talking about when we have a baby how she will be the big sister and we will do this and that. I am not ready to let go of the dream of having another baby but I am not holding on too tight either.
I was thinking the other day how this depression has been like a huge destructive storm. Now I have to work through the wreckage and try to repair all the damage that was done. My marriage, husband, daughter, family, friends, house, social life, dog, and more have all suffered from this storm. My husband loves me but he often does not know what to expect.
I am soooooooooooooooooooo tired. I need to go take a nap. Hopefully I will have time to do this later.
10-2-10
I am back. So back to the destructive depression storm, it has really done a number on my marriage. As I was saying above Nate does not know what to expect. As he drives home from work he is probably thinking about what he should expect. Is his wife depressed, anxious, stressed out, irritable, happy, stable, ready to explode etc…? That is tough on a person. It is difficult to live in the midst of instability and chaos. Nate has shut down in many areas of our marriage. Talking to me about his thoughts and feelings is not always safe. He is not sure if I will react rationally and maturely or if I will be self focused, defensive and insecure. Man I hate what depression does to me. I have worked so hard to draw Nate out of his old ways of not sharing feelings and then I go and get depressed forcing him back into his shell.
The wreckage of our marriage continues. When I am depressed I am focused on myself. I am simply trying to hold on and survive the day. So I have certainly not been filing Nate’s love tank very much. Many of his needs have been pushed aside. We have been using all of our energy to get me healthy that his health has suffered. A person can only take an irritable partner for so long before they start taking it personally. Even though it is not personal eventually Nate starts to get his feelings hurt. I don’t blame him. And then there is the terrible part where he has to watch me suffer (and cry A LOT) and he is not able to do anything to fix it. We as humans hate to watch those we love suffer. It especially hard to watch someone you see every day suffer so much day after day. He wants to fix it but he can’t and that can make him feel like a failure as a husband. He knows that he is not a failure but those feelings still come up sometimes.
There is a lot more that I could say about how depression has reeked havoc on my marriage but that is all I have energy for right now. It makes me sad. I am sad that we have so much repair work to do. But I am so so so grateful that I have a loving, committed, strong, loyal, faithful, patient husband who truly loves me and is in no way going to give up on me.
I am really tired lately. I think I am fighting a cold but mostly I think my body and mind are tired of this battle with depression. I could probably go to bed now and it is only 7:52 pm. It would not be the kind of depressed I need to escape my life sleep, rather true blue I am so tired and my body needs to get good rest kind of sleep. I even took a nap today.
Happy/Gratitude List
I am so thankful…
427. For laughing with V this morning
428. For V’s singing
429. For singing Camp Newaygo songs with V
430. That I am going to be going to Colorado to visit my sister and treasured friend in 19 days.
431. That my hubby still thinks I am sexy
432. That it is fall. I love fall.
433. That my daughter LOVES to cuddle. I love to cuddle too.
434. For laughter in general
435. For chick flicks
436. For my warm snugly bed
437. For yummy waffles
438. For the silly dancing my daughter and I do together
439. For facebook
440. My wonderful friends
I realize that many of the things on my list are repeats of things I have said before but it is still fun to keep a running tab off all the things that I am and have been thankful for.
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