I am tired. I am so tired. I am tired physically, emotionally and mentally. I am tired of my heart hurting. I am tired of my body hurting. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired.
I know I sound so negative. Sorry.
I don’t know why I can’t get better. I don’t understand why I still struggle with depression. I don’t get the brain chemistry thing. I know that I feel overwhelmed most of the time. I feel like I am loosing it at least once a day. I hurt. I hurt so very deeply. I feel like I am letting my daughter and husband down every day. I feel like Nate deserves better. He does deserve better. But I don’t want him to leave me. Tonight he said that maybe he is the cause of my illnesses. That is BS. I hate that he would even think for a second that my life would be better without him.
God I can’t take much more. I am getting weaker and not stronger. I feel alone. I feel like I need a break from life and I am so tired of feeling that way. I am so tired in general.
I know there are people in my life that think I need to find strength from within. There is nothing left. The strength is gone. My only hope is God infusing me with His strength. I need a miracle. I need to find some relief from this fatigue, physical and emotional pain.
I am so thankful that I know nothing about drugs or how to get them. Because I truly feel like I want to escape and from what I understand they provide that escape. Funny thing is I have a ton of prescription drugs that would make most normal people feel “good”. For me the Vicodin just takes the edge of my pain. It does not even take it completely away much less make me feel high or “good.”
Nate and I got in a fight (sort of) tonight. I got sick of him feeling like I was criticizing him and I yelled. Maybe I am being hard on him. I think that I am a little bit and he is also being too sensitive. It is crazy because we do the same thing with me. I am oversensitive when he gives me constructive criticism. If I am having a “rough” day I take it personally. I can’t seem to get myself together.
I hate that I am not a partner to Nate. I am a burden. It is almost like I am another child that he needs to take care of.
I still feel like I should be able to pull myself together. Why can’t I? Why can’t I pull myself together? I think I am starting to hate that I can’t. If I continue to feel that way it is going to lead me hating myself. And that is bad. Very bad.
I think I better make a gratitude list.
I am grateful for……
1. The many people who love my daughter
2. The many people who love me
3. Our house. It is messy and chaotic but it keeps us warm and it is ours.
4. Christmas. God gave us Son Jesus. Somehow He fit all his glory and power into a tiny baby so that He could reunite humankind with Himself.
5. Our family loves us and has been very generous with gifts this Christmas.
6. My dog Jenny gives the best doggie kisses and cuddles.
7. We are going to Ohio in two days to see family and our wonderful friends.
8. I am going to be an Aunt.
9. Hugs. Hugs are so great. I need to give and get more of them.
10. My daughter gives fabulous hugs and kisses
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Too Long
It has been a whole month since I have written and I am really suffering the consequences. I have not been taking time to take care of myself lately. Vienna has been home more and has tons of energy. I am in the middle of a Fibromyalgia flare up (which means LOTS of pain). So I have been exhausted and sleeping in all of my spare time. Well…….sleeping and Christmas shopping, trying to clean, be a descent mother, wife, family member and friend.
Next year we are going to have to do Christmas differently. I have spent WAY too much precious energy trying to find the perfect presents at the cheapest price. I have become obsessive compulsive about it and it has totally worn me out. It breaks my heart to say this but next year we may just have to do gifts for the kids only or gift cards or something.
Someone told me that a few years ago their whole family gave up giving presents and instead spend a week or weekend away together. I love that idea. Love it! Unfortunately our family is huge and full divorces and re-marriages. But it might work with some folks.
I broke down yesterday. Mostly from exhaustion. My sweet wonderful friend Rebecca took Vienna for the afternoon so I could sleep. Then my amazing hubby took care of V so I could get a haircut and just be out alone for a while.
I was doing better (feeling less depressed) but I have to work at staying that way. I can’t let myself get too tired, stressed, overwhelmed and I cannot neglect taking care of myself. I need to spend time journaling, doing relaxation, praying and reading my Bible. It helps keep me sane.
I still struggle so much with feeling guilty. I hate that I don’t have all the energy to frolic with V in the snow and bake homemade Christmas cookies. She keeps asking me if we can do those things and I just have not felt well enough or had enough energy to do them. I feel guilty. I hate that when I fall apart my house does too. Now a messy house is not the end of the world but a messy chaotic house is stressful and depressing.
I have seen all my doctors this past month. It has been a whirlwind. Medication changes have been made and now I am nauseous almost every day. I am going to go to the Cleveland Clinic at the end of January. Hopefully that team of doctors will be able to help me find a way to treat my Major Depression, Anxiety, Hashimotos Thyroidism, Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, Insomnia Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue and poof make me better.
Going back to the guilt….I saw my psychiatrist yesterday. He told me about the importance of me taking it easy and setting limits. He said to think of myself as someone going through Chemotherapy and that I need to respect the limits of this treatment process. I am trying. But that damn guilt. I feel guilty about all the things I cannot do. I suppose I need to focus on what I can do. Yes I know I need to focus on what I can do. It is just so hard. I am so sad about the many ways I am falling short.
My cousin brought up the idea of having a bucket list at our Christmas celebration. I had one. But so much has changed. So many of my desires have changed. I no longer need to do extraordinary things I just want to be an extraordinary person. I want to be a really good role model for my daughter, love my husband the way he deserves to be loved and serve others. I want to bless the people around me. My bucket list has become very simple. I would like to be healthy enough to have the energy to cook a healthy meal every night. I would like to be able to keep my house picked up and somewhat clean so that we can have people over. I want Vienna to be able to bring her friends over to play. I want to serve God. I want to share His amazing love with all those around me. I want to feel better. But if it is not my destiny to be free from these health issues than I want to live bravely through it. I want to focus on others even if I am in pain and am having trouble seeing past that. I want my daughter to be proud of me. I want her to know that I tried my very best.
I would also like to get better so that I can be more of a partner with my husband. He carries all of the burdens of our family right now. He has a stressful job and a stressful home life. He deserves to be treated like royalty. I want for him to be able to live some of his dreams. I want to see him laugh and enjoy his days without worrying about me. I love him so much and there is so much more I want to give him. He wants to go to Israel someday. I want to make that happen for him.
I am babbling on now. So many thoughts are tumbling out because it has been so long since I have written.
I am not sure if I am going to post this anymore. I have started to feel uncomfortable with so many people knowing my raw thoughts and emotions. I feel very vulnerable. Yet I want other people who struggle with depression to know that they are not alone.
Next year we are going to have to do Christmas differently. I have spent WAY too much precious energy trying to find the perfect presents at the cheapest price. I have become obsessive compulsive about it and it has totally worn me out. It breaks my heart to say this but next year we may just have to do gifts for the kids only or gift cards or something.
Someone told me that a few years ago their whole family gave up giving presents and instead spend a week or weekend away together. I love that idea. Love it! Unfortunately our family is huge and full divorces and re-marriages. But it might work with some folks.
I broke down yesterday. Mostly from exhaustion. My sweet wonderful friend Rebecca took Vienna for the afternoon so I could sleep. Then my amazing hubby took care of V so I could get a haircut and just be out alone for a while.
I was doing better (feeling less depressed) but I have to work at staying that way. I can’t let myself get too tired, stressed, overwhelmed and I cannot neglect taking care of myself. I need to spend time journaling, doing relaxation, praying and reading my Bible. It helps keep me sane.
I still struggle so much with feeling guilty. I hate that I don’t have all the energy to frolic with V in the snow and bake homemade Christmas cookies. She keeps asking me if we can do those things and I just have not felt well enough or had enough energy to do them. I feel guilty. I hate that when I fall apart my house does too. Now a messy house is not the end of the world but a messy chaotic house is stressful and depressing.
I have seen all my doctors this past month. It has been a whirlwind. Medication changes have been made and now I am nauseous almost every day. I am going to go to the Cleveland Clinic at the end of January. Hopefully that team of doctors will be able to help me find a way to treat my Major Depression, Anxiety, Hashimotos Thyroidism, Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, Insomnia Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue and poof make me better.
Going back to the guilt….I saw my psychiatrist yesterday. He told me about the importance of me taking it easy and setting limits. He said to think of myself as someone going through Chemotherapy and that I need to respect the limits of this treatment process. I am trying. But that damn guilt. I feel guilty about all the things I cannot do. I suppose I need to focus on what I can do. Yes I know I need to focus on what I can do. It is just so hard. I am so sad about the many ways I am falling short.
My cousin brought up the idea of having a bucket list at our Christmas celebration. I had one. But so much has changed. So many of my desires have changed. I no longer need to do extraordinary things I just want to be an extraordinary person. I want to be a really good role model for my daughter, love my husband the way he deserves to be loved and serve others. I want to bless the people around me. My bucket list has become very simple. I would like to be healthy enough to have the energy to cook a healthy meal every night. I would like to be able to keep my house picked up and somewhat clean so that we can have people over. I want Vienna to be able to bring her friends over to play. I want to serve God. I want to share His amazing love with all those around me. I want to feel better. But if it is not my destiny to be free from these health issues than I want to live bravely through it. I want to focus on others even if I am in pain and am having trouble seeing past that. I want my daughter to be proud of me. I want her to know that I tried my very best.
I would also like to get better so that I can be more of a partner with my husband. He carries all of the burdens of our family right now. He has a stressful job and a stressful home life. He deserves to be treated like royalty. I want for him to be able to live some of his dreams. I want to see him laugh and enjoy his days without worrying about me. I love him so much and there is so much more I want to give him. He wants to go to Israel someday. I want to make that happen for him.
I am babbling on now. So many thoughts are tumbling out because it has been so long since I have written.
I am not sure if I am going to post this anymore. I have started to feel uncomfortable with so many people knowing my raw thoughts and emotions. I feel very vulnerable. Yet I want other people who struggle with depression to know that they are not alone.
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Losing Faith
11-23-10 (12:22 AM)
I wrote on the 18th but it was too revealing to post. When I get some energy I may edit and post it.
Today sucks. I hurt. I ache. Both emotionally and physically. I am so sad. I don’t even have the energy to write about what has been making me feel so sad and crappy. Maybe tomorrow.
I am tired of being me. Well…..I am tired of the depressed me. I have so little to offer anyone. I used to be outgoing, passionate and love to talk. Now in groups I remain quiet. I don’t have anything to contribute. I don’t know what is going on in the world. I don’t know if I will make it through another week of this damn depression. I feel void of personality. Having personality takes energy and I don’t have any of that left. I am boring and sad.
I feel burdensome. I feel like I continually let others down. I hate not being able to do what I want to do. I hate how I feel.
The ache in my heart is so deep.
I wrote this to a friend who also struggles with depression earlier. And then I also sent it to some other people. It explains how I am feeling.
I am having a really difficult time. We decided tonight to not go to Ohio to visit Nate's family for Thanksgiving because I am not doing well. I feel so guilty. But I also know I am not up for the trip. I am worried about what his family is thinking of me. The last two trips to Ohio I have stayed home because I have not been "doing well."
I hate feeling guilty. Yet I am relieved that we are not going. Yet I feel bad. I go back and forth. I wish I could just suck it up and be ok. I hate being depressed. I feel weak. I feel like a looser. I feel crappy.
I am losing faith in God. I don't feel like praying or reading my Bible. I believe God is real. I just don't understand why I am not getting better. This depressive episode has been going on for a year and a half. Enough already. What the heck is God doing? Or not doing?
I hate to admit that I am losing faith in God. But I am a bit. I know that other people are much worse off than me. Some people cannot walk, talk, see, are dying or have lost loved ones. But I feel like I cannot escape my suffering. Depression is in my brain, my thoughts, feelings and my body. I feel like I cannot escape it.
Now I just feel like a whiny baby who needs to suck it up and make myself better. Why can’t I do that? I hate feeling so weak. I hate feeling out of control.
I wrote on the 18th but it was too revealing to post. When I get some energy I may edit and post it.
Today sucks. I hurt. I ache. Both emotionally and physically. I am so sad. I don’t even have the energy to write about what has been making me feel so sad and crappy. Maybe tomorrow.
I am tired of being me. Well…..I am tired of the depressed me. I have so little to offer anyone. I used to be outgoing, passionate and love to talk. Now in groups I remain quiet. I don’t have anything to contribute. I don’t know what is going on in the world. I don’t know if I will make it through another week of this damn depression. I feel void of personality. Having personality takes energy and I don’t have any of that left. I am boring and sad.
I feel burdensome. I feel like I continually let others down. I hate not being able to do what I want to do. I hate how I feel.
The ache in my heart is so deep.
I wrote this to a friend who also struggles with depression earlier. And then I also sent it to some other people. It explains how I am feeling.
I am having a really difficult time. We decided tonight to not go to Ohio to visit Nate's family for Thanksgiving because I am not doing well. I feel so guilty. But I also know I am not up for the trip. I am worried about what his family is thinking of me. The last two trips to Ohio I have stayed home because I have not been "doing well."
I hate feeling guilty. Yet I am relieved that we are not going. Yet I feel bad. I go back and forth. I wish I could just suck it up and be ok. I hate being depressed. I feel weak. I feel like a looser. I feel crappy.
I am losing faith in God. I don't feel like praying or reading my Bible. I believe God is real. I just don't understand why I am not getting better. This depressive episode has been going on for a year and a half. Enough already. What the heck is God doing? Or not doing?
I hate to admit that I am losing faith in God. But I am a bit. I know that other people are much worse off than me. Some people cannot walk, talk, see, are dying or have lost loved ones. But I feel like I cannot escape my suffering. Depression is in my brain, my thoughts, feelings and my body. I feel like I cannot escape it.
Now I just feel like a whiny baby who needs to suck it up and make myself better. Why can’t I do that? I hate feeling so weak. I hate feeling out of control.
I Want to Sleep!
Written on 11-17-10
Argggg I cannot fall asleep. I went to bed over almost an hour and a half ago and I just cannot fall asleep. I really dislike this because I feel so yucky when I do not get enough sleep. I am sure that eating peanut butter M&Ms before bed did not help the cause but this is really ridiculous.
I have been doing this TV survey thing where you keep track of all the TV that is watched in your home. It is pathetic how much late night TV I have been watching. I wish I could be more productive during this time but I am tired and cranky about not being able to sleep. I have to be careful what I do so that I do not wake myself up more. Anyway…..I suppose I am thankful for bad late night TV. If it was good I would stay up later.
Argggg I cannot fall asleep. I went to bed over almost an hour and a half ago and I just cannot fall asleep. I really dislike this because I feel so yucky when I do not get enough sleep. I am sure that eating peanut butter M&Ms before bed did not help the cause but this is really ridiculous.
I have been doing this TV survey thing where you keep track of all the TV that is watched in your home. It is pathetic how much late night TV I have been watching. I wish I could be more productive during this time but I am tired and cranky about not being able to sleep. I have to be careful what I do so that I do not wake myself up more. Anyway…..I suppose I am thankful for bad late night TV. If it was good I would stay up later.
Monday, November 15, 2010
Feeling Better
Today was so much better than yesterday! Today was a good day. My pain level was low. And…..I was NOT depressed! Yay. I really enjoyed my family, laughed, had some fun and got some Christmas shopping done. Yay for being productive!
I knew today would be better. There are so many reasons why I think we sleep at night. I think that one of them is that we can go to bed after a terrible day and wake up fresh and renewed the next day.
A friend of mine sent me some encouraging Bible verses today. The first is from the thrid chapter of Lamentaions.
21 Yet this I call to mind
and therefore I have hope:
22 Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail.
23 They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
24 I say to myself, “The LORD is my portion;
therefore I will wait for him.”
25 The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him,
to the one who seeks him;
26 it is good to wait quietly
for the salvation of the LORD.
-- Lamentations 3:21-26
The second is, "I will refresh the weary and satisfy the faint." --Jeremiah 31:25
Thank you friend for the fabulous verses.
Thank you Lord for a really good day!
I knew today would be better. There are so many reasons why I think we sleep at night. I think that one of them is that we can go to bed after a terrible day and wake up fresh and renewed the next day.
A friend of mine sent me some encouraging Bible verses today. The first is from the thrid chapter of Lamentaions.
21 Yet this I call to mind
and therefore I have hope:
22 Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail.
23 They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
24 I say to myself, “The LORD is my portion;
therefore I will wait for him.”
25 The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him,
to the one who seeks him;
26 it is good to wait quietly
for the salvation of the LORD.
-- Lamentations 3:21-26
The second is, "I will refresh the weary and satisfy the faint." --Jeremiah 31:25
Thank you friend for the fabulous verses.
Thank you Lord for a really good day!
Sunday, November 14, 2010
What Now?
Tough day. Dang I am glad it is over. Well it is almost over. It is so interesting to me how much my days can differ. I feel like I am up, down and all around. Man I want to get off this roller coaster. I am tired. So very tired.
I made bad decisions yesterday. I took my 3-yearold daughter to a sale at Younkers and then to Toys R Us. I should have just gone to one of the stores. Man was I in pain. She fell asleep on the way home and when she woke up (instead of staying asleep for her 2 hour nap) I just couldn’t handle it. My body was screaming in pain. All I wanted to do was eat so I could take the pain meds and then get on my three heating pads. I snapped at her and at my wonderful man. He is so wonderful. He spent the day cleaning out our shed so that we could de-clutter our house all because the clutter is stressing me out. He did it for me and I was a real bitch to him.
I am just not used to this pain. I used to be accustomed to being in pain (physical) every day but I am out of practice. I believe God has given me a break from that pain as I have dealt with the emotional and mental pain of the depression. Anyway….since last Saturday my Fibromyalgia pain has been back with a vengeance. I am not used to it and I am crabby. It is so hard to be nice, loving and patient when you want to scream "ouch ouch ouch freaking ouch! I hurt!" I am so sorry Nate. Even though you don't read this I have still got to say I am sorry. You have put up with so much crap. So very very much. Why do you stay again?
I don’t want to treat you badly. I guess I just have to get used to being in pain again. Ugggggggggggg! I need a freaking break. I am so damn tired. I don’t want to give up but I just don’t want to continue like this.
I actually had a really great night last night. I went out with my friend Rebecca and I felt good. I felt quite a bit like me. Not totally me (cuz being in pain is really distracting) but I felt pretty good. My dear friend commented on how nice it was to see me doing so well. And then I came home. I walked into my messy-dirty house to a husband who I had treated so poorly earlier in the day. My illnesses wear on him. He pretends they don’t but they do. He stays strong for me but I know that he is tired and weary. It just made me so sad. It is all so sad.
And then I could not stop thinking about all the things that I need to do and that I need to change that I could NOT sleep. I was so frustrated. I was actually up until past 3 am. I just could not fall asleep. I could not settle myself down. Not until my wonderful husband rubbed my back. At 3 am when he had been asleep for hours, this lovely man woke himself up enough to rub my back so that I could relax and fall asleep. I am so blessed. So blessed. I am so sorry babe that I have been so awful. I am working on it. I want to be better.
So what kind of future do we have together? I desperately wanted another baby but I see that just slipping through my grasp. There is no way in my health that I can have another baby. I cannot even care for the darling daughter and husband that I already have in the way that I want to. So I suppose I will just put that on the shelf of former dreams that are just not a reality for me. That freaking shelf is getting awfully full. And what I hate the most……is that so many of Nate’s dreams and desires are on that shelf too. He can‘t work his dream job because we need good health insurance. So he is stuck in a job that he does not like (but is thankful for because so many people are without jobs) because of me and my need for good health insurance. He is doing it for me. And what do I do? I treat him like crap because I cannot handle feeling all the pain I feel. I snapped at him so much yesterday and even today.
Gosh I don’t like myself right now.
I hate to say (write) that out loud but it is true. I just don’t want to be me in my circumstances with my limitations and health issues anymore.
Yes tomorrow I will wake up and I will be Carly and I will start fresh. Each day is a gift from God and I will treat it like that but tonight……….oh tonight, I hurt….and I wish…………………………………..
Sometimes I look in the mirror and I don’t even recognize the woman I see. I used to be different. I used to go on adventures, sky dive and live each moment to the fullest. Now I find myself wishing the painful days away. Time is slipping and passing me by and I am tired of it.
So how do I embrace life with the limitations I have? How do I grab life by the horns, dig in my heals and truly live when I feel so crappy? The ironic thing is that now I just want very simple things. I no longer hope to travel, explore, run, and do so much of what I had dreamed of. Now my desires are so simple. I simply want to be a good wife, mom, and servant of God. That’s it. That is all. I don’t think I am asking too much. I simply want be a lover of God and an excellent lover of my hubby and daughter.
Weird how around this time last night I was laughing at a movie, enjoying my friends company and now tonight I feel such despair. Tonight the tears flow freely as if I am watering an extremely thirsty plant or something.
My family and I were planning on going to Ohio to visit my husband’s family over Thanksgiving. Now Nate is suggesting that we stay home. He is worried he cannot be the husband I need him to be. He is concerned that I he cannot be the support that I need him to be while we are there. Frick! Am I really that needy? Ummmmm yup, I think I am. He never knows when I am going to fall apart and when I am going to need him to take over caring for our daughter. Man that must be a heavy burden to carry. I feel crappy about not going to Ohio. It is not fair to everyone else. I am tired of everything being about me. If it is not depression it is freaking Fibromyalgia pain or sleep problems. Sometimes I feel like they all would be better off without me. I know they would not but I still feel that way sometimes.
I have been having horrible nightmares lately. The kind of nightmares that are too terrible to even write about. I wake up upset, shaken and anxious. They FEEL so real. Thank God they are just dreams. I wish they would stop. I have enough crap that I am trying to wade through. I really don’t need horrifying images from my nightmares stuck in my head all day.
So where does all this crap leave me? Hopeful? I don’t know. I know that God is good. I know that God loves me. I know that God wants me to talk to him about all of this and to be truly honest about my hurt, frustration and anger. But I don’t know much else.
I know that tomorrow I will pull up my bootstraps and fight for a good day. I know that I am not giving up. But I also know that I am sooooooooooooooooooooooooooo tired. So very tired. I know that I hurt physically and emotionally. I know that I feel like a bit of a failure today. I know that I need to be more self-disciplined but that for some reason I cannot muster up the energy to do so.
Ok…………………………………………………. God loves me. My family loves me. I guess that is all I need to think about right now. God is in control. Well I believe that he is. I don’t necessarily feel it right now but I do believe it. God is good. Yes. Life is good. I can do this. I will be ok. I am ok.
Maybe if I say it over and over again it will be true. I can do this. I will be ok. I am ok.
P.S. I am feeling a bit better now. It feels really good to have gotten all of those feelings and thoughts out.
I made bad decisions yesterday. I took my 3-yearold daughter to a sale at Younkers and then to Toys R Us. I should have just gone to one of the stores. Man was I in pain. She fell asleep on the way home and when she woke up (instead of staying asleep for her 2 hour nap) I just couldn’t handle it. My body was screaming in pain. All I wanted to do was eat so I could take the pain meds and then get on my three heating pads. I snapped at her and at my wonderful man. He is so wonderful. He spent the day cleaning out our shed so that we could de-clutter our house all because the clutter is stressing me out. He did it for me and I was a real bitch to him.
I am just not used to this pain. I used to be accustomed to being in pain (physical) every day but I am out of practice. I believe God has given me a break from that pain as I have dealt with the emotional and mental pain of the depression. Anyway….since last Saturday my Fibromyalgia pain has been back with a vengeance. I am not used to it and I am crabby. It is so hard to be nice, loving and patient when you want to scream "ouch ouch ouch freaking ouch! I hurt!" I am so sorry Nate. Even though you don't read this I have still got to say I am sorry. You have put up with so much crap. So very very much. Why do you stay again?
I don’t want to treat you badly. I guess I just have to get used to being in pain again. Ugggggggggggg! I need a freaking break. I am so damn tired. I don’t want to give up but I just don’t want to continue like this.
I actually had a really great night last night. I went out with my friend Rebecca and I felt good. I felt quite a bit like me. Not totally me (cuz being in pain is really distracting) but I felt pretty good. My dear friend commented on how nice it was to see me doing so well. And then I came home. I walked into my messy-dirty house to a husband who I had treated so poorly earlier in the day. My illnesses wear on him. He pretends they don’t but they do. He stays strong for me but I know that he is tired and weary. It just made me so sad. It is all so sad.
And then I could not stop thinking about all the things that I need to do and that I need to change that I could NOT sleep. I was so frustrated. I was actually up until past 3 am. I just could not fall asleep. I could not settle myself down. Not until my wonderful husband rubbed my back. At 3 am when he had been asleep for hours, this lovely man woke himself up enough to rub my back so that I could relax and fall asleep. I am so blessed. So blessed. I am so sorry babe that I have been so awful. I am working on it. I want to be better.
So what kind of future do we have together? I desperately wanted another baby but I see that just slipping through my grasp. There is no way in my health that I can have another baby. I cannot even care for the darling daughter and husband that I already have in the way that I want to. So I suppose I will just put that on the shelf of former dreams that are just not a reality for me. That freaking shelf is getting awfully full. And what I hate the most……is that so many of Nate’s dreams and desires are on that shelf too. He can‘t work his dream job because we need good health insurance. So he is stuck in a job that he does not like (but is thankful for because so many people are without jobs) because of me and my need for good health insurance. He is doing it for me. And what do I do? I treat him like crap because I cannot handle feeling all the pain I feel. I snapped at him so much yesterday and even today.
Gosh I don’t like myself right now.
I hate to say (write) that out loud but it is true. I just don’t want to be me in my circumstances with my limitations and health issues anymore.
Yes tomorrow I will wake up and I will be Carly and I will start fresh. Each day is a gift from God and I will treat it like that but tonight……….oh tonight, I hurt….and I wish…………………………………..
Sometimes I look in the mirror and I don’t even recognize the woman I see. I used to be different. I used to go on adventures, sky dive and live each moment to the fullest. Now I find myself wishing the painful days away. Time is slipping and passing me by and I am tired of it.
So how do I embrace life with the limitations I have? How do I grab life by the horns, dig in my heals and truly live when I feel so crappy? The ironic thing is that now I just want very simple things. I no longer hope to travel, explore, run, and do so much of what I had dreamed of. Now my desires are so simple. I simply want to be a good wife, mom, and servant of God. That’s it. That is all. I don’t think I am asking too much. I simply want be a lover of God and an excellent lover of my hubby and daughter.
Weird how around this time last night I was laughing at a movie, enjoying my friends company and now tonight I feel such despair. Tonight the tears flow freely as if I am watering an extremely thirsty plant or something.
My family and I were planning on going to Ohio to visit my husband’s family over Thanksgiving. Now Nate is suggesting that we stay home. He is worried he cannot be the husband I need him to be. He is concerned that I he cannot be the support that I need him to be while we are there. Frick! Am I really that needy? Ummmmm yup, I think I am. He never knows when I am going to fall apart and when I am going to need him to take over caring for our daughter. Man that must be a heavy burden to carry. I feel crappy about not going to Ohio. It is not fair to everyone else. I am tired of everything being about me. If it is not depression it is freaking Fibromyalgia pain or sleep problems. Sometimes I feel like they all would be better off without me. I know they would not but I still feel that way sometimes.
I have been having horrible nightmares lately. The kind of nightmares that are too terrible to even write about. I wake up upset, shaken and anxious. They FEEL so real. Thank God they are just dreams. I wish they would stop. I have enough crap that I am trying to wade through. I really don’t need horrifying images from my nightmares stuck in my head all day.
So where does all this crap leave me? Hopeful? I don’t know. I know that God is good. I know that God loves me. I know that God wants me to talk to him about all of this and to be truly honest about my hurt, frustration and anger. But I don’t know much else.
I know that tomorrow I will pull up my bootstraps and fight for a good day. I know that I am not giving up. But I also know that I am sooooooooooooooooooooooooooo tired. So very tired. I know that I hurt physically and emotionally. I know that I feel like a bit of a failure today. I know that I need to be more self-disciplined but that for some reason I cannot muster up the energy to do so.
Ok…………………………………………………. God loves me. My family loves me. I guess that is all I need to think about right now. God is in control. Well I believe that he is. I don’t necessarily feel it right now but I do believe it. God is good. Yes. Life is good. I can do this. I will be ok. I am ok.
Maybe if I say it over and over again it will be true. I can do this. I will be ok. I am ok.
P.S. I am feeling a bit better now. It feels really good to have gotten all of those feelings and thoughts out.
Monday, November 8, 2010
Keeping it Simple
I am really tired today. That has kind of bummed me out because V was with her grandparents and I wanted to get a lot done. I seem to be having a Fibromyalgia flare up. It has been a while since I have been in this much pain. It really takes a toll on me both mentally and physically. It is quite exhausting to try to function normally while in lots of pain. I ended up taking a 3.5 hour nap. My body really needed it but my ego really needed to cross a lot off my “to do” list. Oh well. I got a few things accomplished and that is so much better than nothing! And I spent some quality time with V when she came home which is what is the most important thing to me.
I want to talk for a moment to those of you who read this blog.
I appreciate you caring about me and wanting to follow how I am doing. Please know that what I write is often very raw. It is often unfiltered emotions that I am trying to process. Writing has been extremely therapeutic for me. I feel much better after I do it. If you have concerns about something I write you are welcome to ask me about it. However I will probably cry and not be able to express myself as well as I do when I write. I do not want any of my loved ones to worry excessively about me because they are reading this blog. Please know that your love and support is all that I need and expect from you.
Unfortunately this is not something anyone can fix for me. I wish you could. I wish I could. But it is not that simple. Depression is complicated and my case is extra complicated due to my Fibromyalgia and sleep problems. Please always know that I am fighting this battle and I am determined to win. I am not nor will I give up or give in. I may have a day or two where I feel defeated but I am in no way surrendering to this disease. Some days are so hard that I need to let go and stop fighting for that particular day. But just for the day. I always begin fighting again the following morning. Thanks waging this battle with me. I appreciate all of you.
I am not really looking forward to the Holidays. I am exhausted just thinking about them. The idea of shopping, wrapping, decorating, cleaning, socializing, traveling and writing Christmas cards is overwhelming to me. I just don’t feel like I have the energy for it all. Bahumbug!
I told Nate that I just wanted to fast forward through it all. Since I cannot do that I need to come up with an action plan. Hmmm….Simplify, Simplify, Simplify. Yes that will be my mantra through this season. I am going to do my best to focus on what these holidays are really all about and not try to do it all (what I feel obligated to do and what I feel others expect me to do).
Thanksgiving is about being thankful. I can do that. I love to focus on what I am grateful for.
Christmas is about the birth of Jesus.
Ok focus on that. We can make (or buy) a birthday cake for Jesus. We will go to church and read the Christmas story out of the Bible. I don’t have to put up lots of decorations to celebrate Jesus. It won’t be the end of the world if I don’t send out Christmas cards this year (even though I really like to do this). I could send an email. I don’t need to get stressed out about buying people the perfect present because I never succeed at that anyway (I don’t mean to sound negative but seriously, no one ever buys everyone the perfect gift). It truly is the thought that counts. And I am not going to stress myself out by trying to stretch our budget by going to all of the crazy crowded overwhelming sales events. It is ok if each person gets one present instead of two.
Deep breath….in…..out…..in…..out…….I can do this. I can make the holidays simple. I can let Nate do the shopping even though he may not buy exactly what I want him to. I can let go of what other people and I expect the Holidays should look like.
The key to all of this will be for me to keep my eyes on God. If I let myself look around at what everyone else is doing I will fail. I cannot compare myself to those around me. Some people are Martha Stewart and I am not even when I am feeling my best! I need to keep my eyes on Jesus. I need to focus on what is best for my family. What is best for them is me being healthy and sane. They don’t need or want a crazy, emotional, depressed, unhealthy, “trying to keep up with the Jones” version of me.
So Christmas……Jesus was born and that is AMAZING! God’s son became a human being and came to live among us. AWESOME! This simple but truly awesome and amazing event is what Christmas is all about. Simple. Yes Simple. Say it again Carly…..simple. Keep things simple.
I want to talk for a moment to those of you who read this blog.
I appreciate you caring about me and wanting to follow how I am doing. Please know that what I write is often very raw. It is often unfiltered emotions that I am trying to process. Writing has been extremely therapeutic for me. I feel much better after I do it. If you have concerns about something I write you are welcome to ask me about it. However I will probably cry and not be able to express myself as well as I do when I write. I do not want any of my loved ones to worry excessively about me because they are reading this blog. Please know that your love and support is all that I need and expect from you.
Unfortunately this is not something anyone can fix for me. I wish you could. I wish I could. But it is not that simple. Depression is complicated and my case is extra complicated due to my Fibromyalgia and sleep problems. Please always know that I am fighting this battle and I am determined to win. I am not nor will I give up or give in. I may have a day or two where I feel defeated but I am in no way surrendering to this disease. Some days are so hard that I need to let go and stop fighting for that particular day. But just for the day. I always begin fighting again the following morning. Thanks waging this battle with me. I appreciate all of you.
I am not really looking forward to the Holidays. I am exhausted just thinking about them. The idea of shopping, wrapping, decorating, cleaning, socializing, traveling and writing Christmas cards is overwhelming to me. I just don’t feel like I have the energy for it all. Bahumbug!
I told Nate that I just wanted to fast forward through it all. Since I cannot do that I need to come up with an action plan. Hmmm….Simplify, Simplify, Simplify. Yes that will be my mantra through this season. I am going to do my best to focus on what these holidays are really all about and not try to do it all (what I feel obligated to do and what I feel others expect me to do).
Thanksgiving is about being thankful. I can do that. I love to focus on what I am grateful for.
Christmas is about the birth of Jesus.
Ok focus on that. We can make (or buy) a birthday cake for Jesus. We will go to church and read the Christmas story out of the Bible. I don’t have to put up lots of decorations to celebrate Jesus. It won’t be the end of the world if I don’t send out Christmas cards this year (even though I really like to do this). I could send an email. I don’t need to get stressed out about buying people the perfect present because I never succeed at that anyway (I don’t mean to sound negative but seriously, no one ever buys everyone the perfect gift). It truly is the thought that counts. And I am not going to stress myself out by trying to stretch our budget by going to all of the crazy crowded overwhelming sales events. It is ok if each person gets one present instead of two.
Deep breath….in…..out…..in…..out…….I can do this. I can make the holidays simple. I can let Nate do the shopping even though he may not buy exactly what I want him to. I can let go of what other people and I expect the Holidays should look like.
The key to all of this will be for me to keep my eyes on God. If I let myself look around at what everyone else is doing I will fail. I cannot compare myself to those around me. Some people are Martha Stewart and I am not even when I am feeling my best! I need to keep my eyes on Jesus. I need to focus on what is best for my family. What is best for them is me being healthy and sane. They don’t need or want a crazy, emotional, depressed, unhealthy, “trying to keep up with the Jones” version of me.
So Christmas……Jesus was born and that is AMAZING! God’s son became a human being and came to live among us. AWESOME! This simple but truly awesome and amazing event is what Christmas is all about. Simple. Yes Simple. Say it again Carly…..simple. Keep things simple.
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