Happy/Grateful List continued

36. My daughter likes daycare
37. Nate and I got to go on a date last night
38. Playing at the park with V
39. A very kind woman at church brought us lunch
40. The kitchen is clean
41. Most of the laundry is put away
42. My sister is coming to town this weekend
43. I got a colorful new comforter for my bed that makes me smile
44. The bathroom is clean

Fighting to Win

Happy List continued

31. Today was a good day
32. I had some very nice quality time with my Dad
33. I got to speak with an old friend on the phone (we have been playing phone tag forever.)
34. I slept really well last night
35. Summer is on its way

Today was a pretty good day. I slept really well last night which felt amazing. I had an ECT treatment in the morning. My Dad went with me. We had some really enjoyable conversation. I spoke with an old friend on the phone which was really nice. She said that I sounded good. That was really good to hear.

I find it odd how different I feel each day. Yesterday and the day before were extremely challenging. I felt terrible. I cried so much and just wanted to curl up into a ball and go to bed for the rest of the week. Thank goodness today was better. I wish it was not taking so long for me to heal. Sometimes I feel like giving up. I will not give up. I am fighting to win this battle. I will be victorious.

Happy/Grateful List continued

26. My future next-store neighbors, my treasured friends who bring my whole family joy, laughter, and good times.
27. My in-laws
28. Powerful praise music that blesses my heart ad I worship God
29. Great music to listen to
30. Hugs

I am really struggling with getting going today. I feel so scattered. There are so many things to do. I made a list last night and even put it into order but I am still having a really hard time. It feels like being productive is going against what is natural. My body really wants to sit and watch TV or sleep. I went for a walk to try to help me get going. It helped a little. I am writing about my thoughts instead of lying in bed so that is good.

I am also very anxious today. I think it is because my house is such a mess and really needs a good deep cleaning. There is so much to do that I just don’t know where to start. It is overwhelming. I have errands I need to run but sometimes when I do that I end up out the whole day and then don’t get anything done at home. I think I need to hire a scheduler and personal motivator who help keep me on task. It is time to try again. I must get focused.

So Very Grateful

Today I am grateful for……

1. My daughter’s adorable hugs and kisses
2. My daughter loves being outside and so do I
3. A great long hot shower last night
4. A very productive day yesterday
5. Swinging in the springtime
6. God’s amazing peace that can be mine if I choose to embrace it
7. Hope
8. My cozy tie-dyed hooded sweatshirt (It makes me smile)
9. Good quality time with my hubby last night
10. The fun children’s books I get to read to my daughter
11. My dad and step-mom made it home safely from Florida
12. Clean sheets on a freshly made bed
13. The wise words of Joyce Meyer
14. The truth of the gospel, that while I was still a sinner Christ died for me!
15. And that now because of what Jesus did for me I no longer have to be a slave to sin and death but I get to live an abundant life with the Holy Spirit living in me!
16. Facebook, it keeps me connected to my friends
17. Quiet morning walks
18. God’s mercies are new every day
19. I can leave yesterdays yuckiness in the past and enjoy each new day
20. I get to go to Camp Newaygo with my mom and daughter in June
21. My amazing family
22. My amazing friends
23. Joyce, her joyfulness and kindness is contageious
24. Loretta, the most loving, caring nurse I have ever met. She is truly a blessing strait from God.
25. The moms in my mom group.  Not only have they been diligently praying for me but they have also been bring my family and I healthy and yummy meals three times a week. What and AMAZING blessing.

I was thinking earlier today (but after I made that grateful list) about my good friend from High School. When we were sad or stressed or feeling blah we would make Happy Lists. Those Happy Lists were really the same thing as a gratitude journal. We would list all the things that made us happy (things we were thankful for). It started with this one friend. We would pass them as notes back and forth between classes when we knew the other was struggling. And then the Happy List idea spread. We started giving them to other people and other people started giving them to others. They really did make me happy. Throughout the years that special friend has sent me many Happy Lists. I cherish them all.  I have kept most of them. A couple of months ago she posted one on my Facebook page. Thank you my wonderful lifelong friend. Thank you for all the joy and happiness you bring into my life. I have your back girlfriend and thanks for always having mine.

So…..I am transferring my gratitude journal over to the form of a Happy List. It will now be a List of things that make me happy and that I am grateful for.

Happy (Grateful) List #1 (the beginning of my very long list of things that make me happy, make me smile and that I am so very grateful for.)

1. My cherished friend Bean
2. Oreo cookies
3. Death by Chocolate ice cream
4. My sister
5. My Joyful friend who brings so much Joy to my heart
6. My faithful friend who did not give up on me even when I did not call her back for months
7. My Pastor and his amazing wife
8. My prayer warrior friend who I know lifts me up in prayer all the time
9. Mom, Dad, Step-Mom and Step-Dad
10. All of my extended family members who are loving and supportive
11. My most loyal friend who gives the best hugs ever, who likes to cuddle and who touches my heart with her many intentional acts of prioritizing me
12. My Sunshine friend (I always feel warm and fuzzy around her, she brightens my days)
13. Camp Newaygo memories
14. Camp Newaygo buddies, some of the most amazing women I have ever known. Women who helped me become great and women I will never forget
15. Newaygo Love
16. PI Dock
17. My daughter, her laughter, hugs, smiles, energy, kisses, passion and joy
18. God’s amazing unconditional love for me
19. Hope
20. Chick flicks
21. Victorious sports movies
22. Lake Michigan
23. Long walks on the beach
24. Sailing at Camp Newaygo
25. My hubby

Well that is enough Happy for tonight. I am getting really tired.

Today was a good day. I started the day with uplifting and encouraging time in prayer and reflection. And then I worked on my gratitude list. I went for a walk and did my new stretching DVD that is set to Praise music and Scripture. I loved it! I had my treatment and felt even better afterwards. Then my dad took me to lunch and we had a really nice time together. It was very enjoyable. When I am struggling with depression I am grateful for every enjoyable experience that I have because they can be few and far between.

Loretta, a delightful nurse who cares for me during my treatments gave the most sincere hug. We spoke about God’s blessings and she told me she would pray for me. It is wonderful when you get that kind of support from friends and family but you just don’t expect it in a busy hospital where most nurses are exhausted and overworked. She really touched my heart today. Her sincerity and kindness surprised me and made my day. Thanks Loretta.

My daughter and I took two of her baby dolls to the park and had a picnic. We then played on the slide and swings. She was so adorable. She is the most attentive and tender pretend mom to her babies. When we got home she insisted that her babies (twins named Jenna and Jenna) were given dinner on their own plates. She then fed the food to each baby before putting it into her mouth. After we all ate everyone got a bath. She carefully washed each baby’s face, head, and body avoiding getting soap in their eyes. Then the babies were lovingly tucked together into a pair of her pajamas. Normally I read her books sitting in our rocking chair with her on my lap but tonight she sat next to me in her rocking chair while she snuggled her baby dolls Jenna and Jenna. I started to lose patience when she had to place them perfectly into her bed (She sleeps on the floor, long story) each with their own pillow. She covered them with three blankets and declared that she needed to make the blankets look pretty. After declaring she needed to make them look pretty patience filled my heart as did true delight. She is adorable, delightful, stubborn and so full of unique personality. She brought me so much joy and laughter this evening. Thanks V.

Then I got to watch LOST. Great show!

I have good days and bad days. Some days are blah, some are sad, and others are miserable. I am extremely grateful for the good days. I can’t wait for the great days to return to me.

On Facebook I wrote that I was very grateful as my status update.

I am very grateful today.

In Persuit of Joy

I need to get back to my gratitude list so here goes...

I am grateful for…..

1. The sunshine
2. Woods walks with my dog Jenny
3. The thoughtful and caring words I received from two women at church yesterday
4. My hubby
5. My daughter
6. My parents and other family
7. A kind, understanding and helpful therapist
8. Eating meals on our new front porch
9. God’s faithfulness to me
10. Hope
11. A clean kitchen table
12. I found our missing camera
13. Tie-dyed clothing, it makes me smile
14. My wonderful friends
15. Health insurance
16. I am not alone
17. Bananas, they are the perfect food

I am really worn out. I had a good appointment with my counselor today. I cried a lot and that was very therapeutic. Depression really hurts. I have been hurting the past few days but I felt guilty about it. I don’t have some big issue or loss that I am dealing with. It is just the same old severe treatment resistant depression that I have been dealing with for months and years. My counselor helped me see that it is ok to be sad. It is really silly to try deny that I am sad or to pretend that I am not hurting because I am really really hurting. I feel like I should be all better now. I was in the hospital, I take medication, I am having my brain shocked twice a week, and I am really really trying to get better. I am fighting. I am pushing on and I am not giving up even though I often want to give up. So why am I not better? Why am I still depressed? I worry about what my family and friends are thinking. Do they think I am not trying hard enough? Sure some days are bad days and I don’t fight as hard as I could but in general I am really fighting. I am so tired but I am still fighting.

As I cried and cried in my car this afternoon I was reminded of how much God loves me. I sobbed and He held me and told me He was with me. He also reminded me that He (God) wants me to be dependent on Him. He wants me to trust Him with my life. I will give in and say “ok Lord I give you my life” and then I snatch it back up again. I want to be self sufficient, in control, and not at all needy. Being needy has a negative connotation to it. But truly God created us to need Him and to need other people. We were not created to live on our own. We can survive on our own but not thrive. And God really wants us to live life abundantly, to thrive, and be full of joy.

“God I need you. I need your help. I need to not be depressed anymore. I am so tired and so weary. I give you myself once again. Take my broken body and spirit and make them whole again. Please give me strength. Please give me the courage to keep fighting, the courage to get out of bed when all I want to do is disappear. Thank you for your promises. I claim your promise of peace, strength, courage, joy, and hope. Thank you Lord for always being with me. In Jesus holy name I pray, Amen.”

Waking up Depressed

I woke up feeling depressed today. I hate it when that happens. I feel like I have so little control. There was this dark heaviness weighing on me. I felt like crying but I did not really know why. I was tired and weary before I ate breakfast. Waking up depressed without a good reason feels miserable. Depression feels miserable with a good reason but even more so when you can’t put a finger on the source of the misery.

I have had a couple of really hard days. I keep trying to snap myself out of it but I am not snapping. So this morning when I woke up feeling depressed I decided to go back to bed. I went back to bed for an hour determined to wake up on the other side of the bed. When I got up I forced a smile and put on some happy music. We read a Bible story as a family which was nice. I then made myself go to church. I really just wanted to crawl back into bed. I feel so weary.

I cried a lot during church. It makes me so sad that I am still struggling with depression. Especially on days like today. Days when I really am trying to fight and I feel knocked down. Yet there are so many people who have truly devastating things going on in their lives. It makes me feel silly for being depressed. My life is really good for the most part. I have Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue which makes my life challenging but not impossible. I don’t really have a good reason for feeling this way.

I have tried really hard to be productive today. Man has that been a challenge. It is like I have been wading through knee high mud. Every task has been so difficult. But I should be proud of myself. I went to church and was social when I felt like hiding. I ate lunch in the sunshine on the porch with V. I made myself read my Bible and  write in my journal. I took the dog for a long walk, picked up the living room, cleaned up after dinner, took V to the park, planted some flowers with V, and gave her a bath. Phew, writing all of that down was exhausting. I should be proud of myself but all I can think of is all the other stuff I need to get done.

I sure hope I feel better tomorrow.

It's a Journey

I started writting this the other day but I never really finished it.

4-2-10

I woke up very anxious today. So I got up, got dressed and went for a walk. Exercise is usually good for relieving anxiety. I also did deep breathing exercises. I was feeling a little better but then V started waking up. She kept calling out to me saying she did not want to be alone in her room. She wanted me to cuddle her and stay with her. After a while she woke up fully but immediately started telling me she wanted to stay home with me. She kept saying that she did not want me to leave her alone at the babysitter’s house and that she did not want to go today. It breaks my heart and stresses me out.

Did we pick the right place for her to go too? Does she feel abandoned? And now I am back to feeling anxious. Putting V in daycare was supposed to reduce stress for a while so that I can focus on getting healthy. But every day starts out stressful when she begs me not to go.

I have been feeling quite a bit better lately.

4-7-10

I don’t really know where to begin today. The depression has been better but I have been more anxious. I have also been feeling really insecure. My mind is so foggy. I am having trouble making decisions and then feeling confident about the decision I made. I keep questioning the daycare that we chose to send Vienna to. I can tell she is having a lot of fun and is learning new things but I still worry. This is one of those times that I need to trust God and trust the decision Nate and I made.

I am still really struggling with motivation. I think I could sleep and watch TV all day if I let myself. I am definitely not letting myself do that. I have to push really hard to get myself going in the morning. My thoughts feel jumbled. It is also lonely being home all alone. I could go visit with friends but I have so many things that I need to do. I am feeling really overwhelmed and anxious. I can’t seem to focus on one thing long enough to finish a task. But I am trying. And I will not give up.

Fighting my way through depression is a journey. It will take time to change my thoughts and behaviors.