I am feeling really good today. I miss V terribly. I am looking forward to being healthy enough to have her home with me again. I took a long walk, read my devotional, prepared a package for my friend, chatted with a friend on the phone, had a good conversation with my neighbor, called the doctor, called the vet, and now I am journaling. The sun is shining and I feel very motivated to get “things” done. The question is; will I accomplish the right things? I still struggle with organization. I have a hard time prioritizing my activities. There is always so much to get done.
I want to do something that will really bless Nate. He has been so amazing, supportive, and patient. A clean house would bless him. I just don’t know where to start. There is so much organizing and cleaning to get done that I get overwhelmed just thinking about it. I don’t know where to start. I need to make a list of all the work that needs to be done and then prioritize each task. I have a really hard time with this. My brain seems to get overloaded when I try to get organized.
I don’t feel like showering. I realize that sounds weird. Most people love to shower but for some reason it is a lot of work for me. I think that is still a symptom of depression. I think I feel like I have limited energy and time and showering is just too much work. I certainly don’t want to be the smelly person that people don’t like to sit next to. So I really need to work on changing my attitude about this. I also don’t want Nate to feel like I have totally let myself go. I have in many ways but not because I don’t care about looking good for him. Depression just sucks so much energy away from me that self care is something that gets pushed aside until I have more energy. Lord please give me more energy and more motivation to look good for my man.
Happy/Grateful List continued
93. I had a great phone conversation with a friend today.
94. It is finally shorts weather outside.
95. I was a blessing to my neighbor.
96. V and I are planting working on a garden together.
97. The weather was perfect for a long walk.
98. Today is Friday so I will get lots of quality family time the next couple of days.
99. I learned a new skill yesterday (how to drive a ride-on lawn mower).
Friday, April 30, 2010
Thursday, April 29, 2010
I Want Out Of The Pit
If anyone is just starting to read this blog and is wondering what the Happy/Grateful List is I will fill you in; it is a list of things and people that I am grateful for and that make me happy.
Happy/Grateful List continued
82. Vienna and I got to see our delightful friends the day before yesterday.
83. I have gotten some cleaning done today.
84. The sun is shining.
85. I visited with Nate over his lunch hour both yesterday and today.
86. V pooped in the potty twice yesterday.
87. Almost all of the laundry is done.
88. I had a wonderful time visiting with my friend Sara today.
89. I drank yummy vanilla coffee this morning.
90. Worship was uplifting and rejuvenating last night.
91. It is almost the weekend which means lots of time with my hubby and daughter.
92. V gives the best kisses right smack on the lips.
I find it interesting how quickly my days go. Time really flies by. My goals for each day include;
1. Walking for at least 45 minutes
2. Reading my Bible
3. Doing some sort of relaxation exercise
4. Journal
I also want to do some cleaning every day. I have been trouble getting everything done. I think part of the problem is that I have been extremely tired. Depression is very tiring and so are ECT treatments. I really struggle with knowing how much sleep is okay. Fibromyalgia makes me very tired as do the things I mentioned above. However, sleeping too much can be a symptom of depression. I printed out a daily schedule so that I can try to keep track of my time. I want to be productive and get as much out of this time that I have by myself. I want to get rested up and rejuvenated but I also have a lot of projects that I would like to get done. I need to develop healthy habits that I can continue when my daughter is home with me full time. I have always struggled with time management t. Now is my chance to try to organize my days and make some headway in organizing my life and house.
I started reading a book by Beth Moore in November 2008. The book is entitled Get Out of That Pit; Strait Talk about God’s Deliverance and it has a companion devotional journal that goes with it. I am going to try to complete both. I have the time right now and I really want to accomplish this goal. I am not very good at finishing books that I have started. I have grand ideas about reading all sorts of books but they often get put aside and are left unfinished. The back of the book says;
It is Beth’s most stirring message yet of the sheer hope, utter deliverance…and complete and glorious freedom of God:
I waited patiently for the Lord
He turned to me and heard my cry
He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
Out of the mud and mire;
He set my feet on a rock
And gave me a firm place to stand,
He put a new song in my mouth
A hymn of praise to our God
Psalm 40:1-3
It is a story, a song—a salvation—that you can know too.
So I am going to include my journal entries on this blog. Depression is certainly a pit I have been stuck in for a lot of years and I am so very ready to be out of it. The journal has three sections to write in each day. They are a reflection question, a personal application question and a place for prayers. The prayer section is titled REACHING UP. Beth states on page 2 of The Get Out of That Pit Journal;
“Reaching Up is a place for you to pen your prayers to God. Each day when you arrive at this crucial conclusion picture this metaphor: every time you cry out to God and you agree to cooperate with His great work of deliverance, you are reaching up your hand to grab hold of His strong arm. That beloved, is the way out of the pit. If we could see with spiritual eyes, we’d probably see years of accumulated dirt underneath our fingernails from trying to claw our way out of the pit. Give it up. God is already reaching His hand into that hole.”
GET OUT OF THAT PIT
A 40 – DAY DEVOTIONAL JOURNAL
INTRODUCTION
“Life can be excruciating. Crushing, in fact. The sheer magnitude of our worries can press down on our heads until we unknowingly descend into a pit of despair one inch at a time. Something so horrible can happen that we conclude we’ll never be okay again. We can blow it so badly we think God would just as soon we stayed under the dirt and out of His sight. But, if we’re willing to let truth speak louder than our feelings, and long enough that our feelings finally agree, we can be far more than okay. We can be delivered to a place where the air is crisp, the enemy is whipped, and the view is magnificent.”
--Beth Moore (page 1 of Get Out Of That Pit Journal)
DAY ONE; Come, Follow Me
“From the ends of the earth I call to you, I call as my heart grows faint; lead me to the rock that is higher than I.” –Psalm 61:2
REFLECTION QUESTION; When Christ said, “Come follow me,” there was something inherent in His invitation. What was it?
“Come, follow me,” Jesus said, “and I will make you fishers of men.”—Mark 1:17
When Jesus invites us to “come” follow him he is inviting us to leave where we are. Many of us have become accustomed to living in the pit. We are comfortable there. It is familiar and we like familiar. I think that for a long time I felt like I deserved to be stuck in the pit. I continue to make choices that are not the best for me. But God wants us to live an abundant joy filled life and He wants me to have that now. He wants me to leave the pit of depression, guilt, and insecurity and follow Him onto high ground.
PERSONAL APPLICATION; What hope do the words of Psalm 40 offer you personally in terms of the pit you may be in?
I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry.
He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire;
He set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.
He put a new son in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear and put their trust in the Lord.
Blessed is the man who makes the Lord his trust, who does not look to the proud,
To those who turn aside to false gods.
Many, O lord my god, are the wonders you have done.
The things you planned for us no one can recount to you;
Were I to speak and tell of them they would be too many to declare.
Sacrifice and offering you did not desire, but my ears you have pierced;
Burnt offerings and sin offerings you did not require.
Then I said, “He I am, I have come—it is written about me in the scroll.
I desire to do your will, O my God; your law is within my heart.”
Psalm 40:1-8
Do not withhold your mercy from me, O Lord;
May your love and your truth always protect me.
For troubles without number surround me;
My sins have overtaken m, and I cannot see.
They are more than the hairs of my head,
And my heart fails within me.
Be pleased, O Lord, to save me;
O Lord, come quickly to help me.
Psalm 40:11-13
God offers hope in that first of all, He hears my cries. Secondly, He turns to me, and thirdly He helps me. God offers a way out for those of us who are in a pit. I am so thankful that God has heard me crying out to Him. Depression can really hurt. There have been times when I thought the pain was too much but God has always been there. God has comforted me during this very painful period of my life. But now it is time for something new. It is time to leave the depression pit. God wants to help me get out and get out for good. I am ready to be depression free.
I have struggled with depression for so many years. I know that God can help make it better but I usually depend on the doctor rather than God. Depression keeps coming back. I find myself in the same pit over and over again. It scares me to put all my hope in God. What if He chooses not to heal me? Sometimes I feel like I don’t deserve to be healed. But I know and believe with all my heart that God is good and faithful. He will care for me. He will do what is best for me.
REACHING UP (prayers to God)
Lord I see now that in the past when I was depressed I did not want to totally surrender myself t o you. I wanted to be in control. I wanted you to heal me but I wanted it to be done my way. Lord please forgive me for arrogantly assuming that I knew what was best for me. Lord, I give you my heart, my mind, my body, and my every part of me. I choose you. I choose to follow your plan for my life. Thank you for never giving up on me. Thank you for always being with me and always loving me. I truly have hope right now. Thank you for that hope.
I hope my journey, my battle with depression is inspiring and encouraging to anyone who reads this. I was terrified at first to put my personal thoughts and feelings onto a blog that other people could read. However, one of the worst parts of depression is that we feel like we are all alone. And that is a lie. There are so many of us who struggle with depression. Not only are there many people who understand this struggle but we also have the God of the universe in our corner. We are not alone. You are not alone. So if this blog helps just one person who is feeling hopeless and alone than this blog was totally worth it.
Happy/Grateful List continued
82. Vienna and I got to see our delightful friends the day before yesterday.
83. I have gotten some cleaning done today.
84. The sun is shining.
85. I visited with Nate over his lunch hour both yesterday and today.
86. V pooped in the potty twice yesterday.
87. Almost all of the laundry is done.
88. I had a wonderful time visiting with my friend Sara today.
89. I drank yummy vanilla coffee this morning.
90. Worship was uplifting and rejuvenating last night.
91. It is almost the weekend which means lots of time with my hubby and daughter.
92. V gives the best kisses right smack on the lips.
I find it interesting how quickly my days go. Time really flies by. My goals for each day include;
1. Walking for at least 45 minutes
2. Reading my Bible
3. Doing some sort of relaxation exercise
4. Journal
I also want to do some cleaning every day. I have been trouble getting everything done. I think part of the problem is that I have been extremely tired. Depression is very tiring and so are ECT treatments. I really struggle with knowing how much sleep is okay. Fibromyalgia makes me very tired as do the things I mentioned above. However, sleeping too much can be a symptom of depression. I printed out a daily schedule so that I can try to keep track of my time. I want to be productive and get as much out of this time that I have by myself. I want to get rested up and rejuvenated but I also have a lot of projects that I would like to get done. I need to develop healthy habits that I can continue when my daughter is home with me full time. I have always struggled with time management t. Now is my chance to try to organize my days and make some headway in organizing my life and house.
I started reading a book by Beth Moore in November 2008. The book is entitled Get Out of That Pit; Strait Talk about God’s Deliverance and it has a companion devotional journal that goes with it. I am going to try to complete both. I have the time right now and I really want to accomplish this goal. I am not very good at finishing books that I have started. I have grand ideas about reading all sorts of books but they often get put aside and are left unfinished. The back of the book says;
It is Beth’s most stirring message yet of the sheer hope, utter deliverance…and complete and glorious freedom of God:
I waited patiently for the Lord
He turned to me and heard my cry
He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
Out of the mud and mire;
He set my feet on a rock
And gave me a firm place to stand,
He put a new song in my mouth
A hymn of praise to our God
Psalm 40:1-3
It is a story, a song—a salvation—that you can know too.
So I am going to include my journal entries on this blog. Depression is certainly a pit I have been stuck in for a lot of years and I am so very ready to be out of it. The journal has three sections to write in each day. They are a reflection question, a personal application question and a place for prayers. The prayer section is titled REACHING UP. Beth states on page 2 of The Get Out of That Pit Journal;
“Reaching Up is a place for you to pen your prayers to God. Each day when you arrive at this crucial conclusion picture this metaphor: every time you cry out to God and you agree to cooperate with His great work of deliverance, you are reaching up your hand to grab hold of His strong arm. That beloved, is the way out of the pit. If we could see with spiritual eyes, we’d probably see years of accumulated dirt underneath our fingernails from trying to claw our way out of the pit. Give it up. God is already reaching His hand into that hole.”
GET OUT OF THAT PIT
A 40 – DAY DEVOTIONAL JOURNAL
INTRODUCTION
“Life can be excruciating. Crushing, in fact. The sheer magnitude of our worries can press down on our heads until we unknowingly descend into a pit of despair one inch at a time. Something so horrible can happen that we conclude we’ll never be okay again. We can blow it so badly we think God would just as soon we stayed under the dirt and out of His sight. But, if we’re willing to let truth speak louder than our feelings, and long enough that our feelings finally agree, we can be far more than okay. We can be delivered to a place where the air is crisp, the enemy is whipped, and the view is magnificent.”
--Beth Moore (page 1 of Get Out Of That Pit Journal)
DAY ONE; Come, Follow Me
“From the ends of the earth I call to you, I call as my heart grows faint; lead me to the rock that is higher than I.” –Psalm 61:2
REFLECTION QUESTION; When Christ said, “Come follow me,” there was something inherent in His invitation. What was it?
“Come, follow me,” Jesus said, “and I will make you fishers of men.”—Mark 1:17
When Jesus invites us to “come” follow him he is inviting us to leave where we are. Many of us have become accustomed to living in the pit. We are comfortable there. It is familiar and we like familiar. I think that for a long time I felt like I deserved to be stuck in the pit. I continue to make choices that are not the best for me. But God wants us to live an abundant joy filled life and He wants me to have that now. He wants me to leave the pit of depression, guilt, and insecurity and follow Him onto high ground.
PERSONAL APPLICATION; What hope do the words of Psalm 40 offer you personally in terms of the pit you may be in?
I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry.
He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire;
He set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.
He put a new son in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear and put their trust in the Lord.
Blessed is the man who makes the Lord his trust, who does not look to the proud,
To those who turn aside to false gods.
Many, O lord my god, are the wonders you have done.
The things you planned for us no one can recount to you;
Were I to speak and tell of them they would be too many to declare.
Sacrifice and offering you did not desire, but my ears you have pierced;
Burnt offerings and sin offerings you did not require.
Then I said, “He I am, I have come—it is written about me in the scroll.
I desire to do your will, O my God; your law is within my heart.”
Psalm 40:1-8
Do not withhold your mercy from me, O Lord;
May your love and your truth always protect me.
For troubles without number surround me;
My sins have overtaken m, and I cannot see.
They are more than the hairs of my head,
And my heart fails within me.
Be pleased, O Lord, to save me;
O Lord, come quickly to help me.
Psalm 40:11-13
God offers hope in that first of all, He hears my cries. Secondly, He turns to me, and thirdly He helps me. God offers a way out for those of us who are in a pit. I am so thankful that God has heard me crying out to Him. Depression can really hurt. There have been times when I thought the pain was too much but God has always been there. God has comforted me during this very painful period of my life. But now it is time for something new. It is time to leave the depression pit. God wants to help me get out and get out for good. I am ready to be depression free.
I have struggled with depression for so many years. I know that God can help make it better but I usually depend on the doctor rather than God. Depression keeps coming back. I find myself in the same pit over and over again. It scares me to put all my hope in God. What if He chooses not to heal me? Sometimes I feel like I don’t deserve to be healed. But I know and believe with all my heart that God is good and faithful. He will care for me. He will do what is best for me.
REACHING UP (prayers to God)
Lord I see now that in the past when I was depressed I did not want to totally surrender myself t o you. I wanted to be in control. I wanted you to heal me but I wanted it to be done my way. Lord please forgive me for arrogantly assuming that I knew what was best for me. Lord, I give you my heart, my mind, my body, and my every part of me. I choose you. I choose to follow your plan for my life. Thank you for never giving up on me. Thank you for always being with me and always loving me. I truly have hope right now. Thank you for that hope.
I hope my journey, my battle with depression is inspiring and encouraging to anyone who reads this. I was terrified at first to put my personal thoughts and feelings onto a blog that other people could read. However, one of the worst parts of depression is that we feel like we are all alone. And that is a lie. There are so many of us who struggle with depression. Not only are there many people who understand this struggle but we also have the God of the universe in our corner. We are not alone. You are not alone. So if this blog helps just one person who is feeling hopeless and alone than this blog was totally worth it.
Monday, April 26, 2010
Grateful
Gratitude List continued
71. The weather is perfect today.
72. I am truly in love with my husband.
73. My daughter no longer cries about having to go to daycare.
74. My dad is married to an incredible woman who truly loves him exactly the way he is.
75. I get to go to Mom 2 Moms tomorrow.
76. I am feeling much better.
77. God is so faithful!!!!!
78. God hears and answers my prayers.
79. My friend Sara is really good about calling me just to make sure I am okay.
80. My friend Joy does the same. (I am so grateful for both of them).
81. I think we are going on a picnic for dinner. I love picnics.
71. The weather is perfect today.
72. I am truly in love with my husband.
73. My daughter no longer cries about having to go to daycare.
74. My dad is married to an incredible woman who truly loves him exactly the way he is.
75. I get to go to Mom 2 Moms tomorrow.
76. I am feeling much better.
77. God is so faithful!!!!!
78. God hears and answers my prayers.
79. My friend Sara is really good about calling me just to make sure I am okay.
80. My friend Joy does the same. (I am so grateful for both of them).
81. I think we are going on a picnic for dinner. I love picnics.
Am I a Burden?
Depression is interesting. I feel like I should be able to control it. I feel like struggling with it is a weakness. I know that it is my responsibility to fight it, to not succumb to it but should I be able to prevent it? I am a positive thinking person. I usually see the glass half full and I enjoy helping other people find the good in situations. Depression does not fit my personality. I used to wear a tee-shirt in high school that said Carpe Diem. I believed those words. I preached to my friends to seize the day. I still believe that life is precious and each day is precious. I certainly don’t want to waste time being depressed. So if I truly do not want to be depressed than why is it still an issue for me?
I believe in God. I believe He is good and loving and always faithful. I believe in the power of positive thinking. It is so important to keep thinking positive. It is so important to let my mind dwell on good godly things rather than negative sad things. But somehow sometimes my mind, body and emotions are taken over by the dark cloud of depression. I try to fight it. I try to push the feelings out of my mind, body, and heart but sometimes I just cannot do it. I cry out to God, I ask others for help and still sometimes I cannot seem to keep from feeling depressed. I just don’t understand this. I try. I try so very hard. I know that God is powerful and able to make me better. I know that I am a strong person (even though I feel so very weak) but my strength is not enough at times.
I try not to feel like a burden but it is hard not to. My husband has put up with so much since we have been married. When we first got married I was very sick with Fibromyalgia. I spent the first year of our marriage in bed. I was weak, tired and in a great deal of pain. I also struggled with depression. I felt so worthless. I was not able to work. My husband would leave for work with me in bed and then I would still be in bed when he came home. It was really hard to feel good about myself, to feel like a partner, like I had anything to offer him when all I did was lay around. I was not working outside of the home or inside the home. I was not cooking, cleaning or doing much of anything. I got so depressed being home in bed alone all day that I was forced to get a part time job. It was worth it to work with pain to get out of the house. I started out working twelve hours a week at a pre-school. My health slowly improved. Before my daughter was born I was able to work twenty-five hours a week. This was a huge victory.
As far as being a burden goes, I really am one. I cost our family a great deal of money with doctors bills, treatments, and medication. My health is a good investment. I just wish that I was able to contribute more. We have not started getting the bills from this current episode of depression but I know they will be high. Thank God for health insurance. However insurance does not cover everything. We still have to pay a percentage of my hospital stay, the ECT treatments, counseling, medication and doctors visits. It will be very costly. And unfortunately our medical budget is already maxed out.
I have not been contributing around the house much. My big contribution used to be caring for our daughter. I did not work outside of the home but by staying home with her I saved us the cost of childcare. Now because I am unhealthy she is in childcare. My parents are helping us with the financial burden but I hate being the burden!!!!! I don’t like having to depend on them for help. I don’t like not contributing to our family. It is really hard to not feel like a burden.
I watched the Hallmark movie last night. It was entitled When Love is Not Enough, The Lois Wilson Story. Bill Wilson was an alcoholic. He helped start the Alcoholics Anonymous program and his wife Lois started Al-Anon. It was a very sad but a beautiful story. Lois stuck by Bill even though he put her through so much! It took place back when they were just discovering that alcoholism was a disease. I related too much of the story. I continue to put my family through so much. My man continues to stick by me no matter what. I am so thankful for him. I understand that the kind of depression that I have is a disease and that I have a chemically imbalanced brain but I hate that my family is suffering because of me.
So where does this leave me? A burden or not a burden? Sometimes life is hard. It is full of challenges and this is my challenge. It does not do me any good to think or feel like I am a burden even if I am one. I am the woman that my husband chose to marry because he wants to spend his life with me. I am working on getting healthy. I have a great deal to offer my family even if I don’t feel like I do. I will cling to God and His promises of strength, courage and hope. I will cling to person that God created me to be, the positive, fun, loving, encouraging and intelligent Carly. Depressed Carly is not who I am. Depressed Carly is a temporary unhealthy version of Carly and I am working like crazy to get healthy. I will not give up. I will fight. I am fighting depression and I am fighting to win!
I believe in God. I believe He is good and loving and always faithful. I believe in the power of positive thinking. It is so important to keep thinking positive. It is so important to let my mind dwell on good godly things rather than negative sad things. But somehow sometimes my mind, body and emotions are taken over by the dark cloud of depression. I try to fight it. I try to push the feelings out of my mind, body, and heart but sometimes I just cannot do it. I cry out to God, I ask others for help and still sometimes I cannot seem to keep from feeling depressed. I just don’t understand this. I try. I try so very hard. I know that God is powerful and able to make me better. I know that I am a strong person (even though I feel so very weak) but my strength is not enough at times.
I try not to feel like a burden but it is hard not to. My husband has put up with so much since we have been married. When we first got married I was very sick with Fibromyalgia. I spent the first year of our marriage in bed. I was weak, tired and in a great deal of pain. I also struggled with depression. I felt so worthless. I was not able to work. My husband would leave for work with me in bed and then I would still be in bed when he came home. It was really hard to feel good about myself, to feel like a partner, like I had anything to offer him when all I did was lay around. I was not working outside of the home or inside the home. I was not cooking, cleaning or doing much of anything. I got so depressed being home in bed alone all day that I was forced to get a part time job. It was worth it to work with pain to get out of the house. I started out working twelve hours a week at a pre-school. My health slowly improved. Before my daughter was born I was able to work twenty-five hours a week. This was a huge victory.
As far as being a burden goes, I really am one. I cost our family a great deal of money with doctors bills, treatments, and medication. My health is a good investment. I just wish that I was able to contribute more. We have not started getting the bills from this current episode of depression but I know they will be high. Thank God for health insurance. However insurance does not cover everything. We still have to pay a percentage of my hospital stay, the ECT treatments, counseling, medication and doctors visits. It will be very costly. And unfortunately our medical budget is already maxed out.
I have not been contributing around the house much. My big contribution used to be caring for our daughter. I did not work outside of the home but by staying home with her I saved us the cost of childcare. Now because I am unhealthy she is in childcare. My parents are helping us with the financial burden but I hate being the burden!!!!! I don’t like having to depend on them for help. I don’t like not contributing to our family. It is really hard to not feel like a burden.
I watched the Hallmark movie last night. It was entitled When Love is Not Enough, The Lois Wilson Story. Bill Wilson was an alcoholic. He helped start the Alcoholics Anonymous program and his wife Lois started Al-Anon. It was a very sad but a beautiful story. Lois stuck by Bill even though he put her through so much! It took place back when they were just discovering that alcoholism was a disease. I related too much of the story. I continue to put my family through so much. My man continues to stick by me no matter what. I am so thankful for him. I understand that the kind of depression that I have is a disease and that I have a chemically imbalanced brain but I hate that my family is suffering because of me.
So where does this leave me? A burden or not a burden? Sometimes life is hard. It is full of challenges and this is my challenge. It does not do me any good to think or feel like I am a burden even if I am one. I am the woman that my husband chose to marry because he wants to spend his life with me. I am working on getting healthy. I have a great deal to offer my family even if I don’t feel like I do. I will cling to God and His promises of strength, courage and hope. I will cling to person that God created me to be, the positive, fun, loving, encouraging and intelligent Carly. Depressed Carly is not who I am. Depressed Carly is a temporary unhealthy version of Carly and I am working like crazy to get healthy. I will not give up. I will fight. I am fighting depression and I am fighting to win!
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Gratitude/Happy List continued
65. It was wonderful to see my sister this weekend
66. My Husband is amazing. He is loving, supportive, and so good to me.
67. I have several extended family members who care about me.
68. My daughter giggles all the time
69. My dog is always happy to see me.
70. My daughter likes her friends at daycare
71. My mom is with a man who truly loves her and makes her happy.
I feel kind of weird today. I feel extremely tired. I went back to bed this morning and slept until 10. Then I took a two hour nap this afternoon. And now it is 6:30 and I am ready to go back to bed. At first I just thought I was tired but now I am wondering if the tiredness is due to depression. I do feel kind of blah but I also feel really tired. I have not walked yet today because it has been raining. I have walked the past couple of days but I have not taken time to journal, do my relaxation exercises or read my Bible. I wonder if not taking time for those things has contributed how I feel right now? I really don’t want to do anything except sleep and maybe watch TV.
My daughter is giggling in the background and that is making me smile. She has such a precious little giggle. If I was feeling energetic and like myself I would go grab her and play with her. But my rear end is still sitting in this chair. My legs feel like lead and my head is foggy. I still feel like I just want to go to bed.
65. It was wonderful to see my sister this weekend
66. My Husband is amazing. He is loving, supportive, and so good to me.
67. I have several extended family members who care about me.
68. My daughter giggles all the time
69. My dog is always happy to see me.
70. My daughter likes her friends at daycare
71. My mom is with a man who truly loves her and makes her happy.
I feel kind of weird today. I feel extremely tired. I went back to bed this morning and slept until 10. Then I took a two hour nap this afternoon. And now it is 6:30 and I am ready to go back to bed. At first I just thought I was tired but now I am wondering if the tiredness is due to depression. I do feel kind of blah but I also feel really tired. I have not walked yet today because it has been raining. I have walked the past couple of days but I have not taken time to journal, do my relaxation exercises or read my Bible. I wonder if not taking time for those things has contributed how I feel right now? I really don’t want to do anything except sleep and maybe watch TV.
My daughter is giggling in the background and that is making me smile. She has such a precious little giggle. If I was feeling energetic and like myself I would go grab her and play with her. But my rear end is still sitting in this chair. My legs feel like lead and my head is foggy. I still feel like I just want to go to bed.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Feeling like Carly again
Happy List continued
56. I was able to go to my mom group yesterday.
57. The women at my group were sincerely happy to see me. I received several hugs and lots of encouragement.
58. My wonderful friend Sara brought me flowers, fruit, a Bible study on Joy, and a Laughter book in a beautiful basket yesterday.
59. My delightful mentor mom Dona brought us a delicious roast dinner and the most beautiful bouquet of spring flowers.
60. My house smells like flowers:)
61. My hubby, daughter and I had so much fun laughing together last night.
62. I had a really nice time with my dad today.
63. The weather was absolutely perfect today.
64. I have not had too much memory loss from my ECT treatments.
65. The dishes are done:)
66. Nate bought me my favorite ice cream. Yummy to my tummy.
67. My Jenny-Dog is the best cuddle dog ever!
68. I get to spend quality time with my extended family this weekend.
The last two days have been pretty good. I really enjoyed going to Mom 2 Moms (my mommy group). I have not been able to go for several weeks because my ECT treatments have been scheduled at the same time as the group. It was nice to hear about how I was missed. It was wonderful to see everyone again and to get lots of hugs. It was great to feel like Carly instead of depressed Carly for a period of time even though it was brief.
56. I was able to go to my mom group yesterday.
57. The women at my group were sincerely happy to see me. I received several hugs and lots of encouragement.
58. My wonderful friend Sara brought me flowers, fruit, a Bible study on Joy, and a Laughter book in a beautiful basket yesterday.
59. My delightful mentor mom Dona brought us a delicious roast dinner and the most beautiful bouquet of spring flowers.
60. My house smells like flowers:)
61. My hubby, daughter and I had so much fun laughing together last night.
62. I had a really nice time with my dad today.
63. The weather was absolutely perfect today.
64. I have not had too much memory loss from my ECT treatments.
65. The dishes are done:)
66. Nate bought me my favorite ice cream. Yummy to my tummy.
67. My Jenny-Dog is the best cuddle dog ever!
68. I get to spend quality time with my extended family this weekend.
The last two days have been pretty good. I really enjoyed going to Mom 2 Moms (my mommy group). I have not been able to go for several weeks because my ECT treatments have been scheduled at the same time as the group. It was nice to hear about how I was missed. It was wonderful to see everyone again and to get lots of hugs. It was great to feel like Carly instead of depressed Carly for a period of time even though it was brief.
Monday, April 19, 2010
The Penny
I just opened my email and I found this forwarded message. I almost never take the time to read forwards. I usually find them annoying. But God wanted me to read this message and I want to record it so that I would remember it always.
You always hear the usual stories of pennies on the sidewalk being good luck, gifts from angels, etc. This is the first time I've ever heard this twist on the story. Gives you something to think about.
Several years ago, a friend of mine and her husband were invited to spend the weekend at the husband's employer's home. My friend, Arlene, was nervous about the weekend. The boss was very wealthy, with a fine home on the waterway, and cars costing more than her house.
The first day and evening went well, and Arlene was delighted to have this rare glimpse into how the very wealthy live... The husband's employer was quite generous as a host, and took them to the finest restaurants. Arlene knew she would never have the opportunity to indulge in this kind of extravagance again, so was enjoying herself immensely..
As the three of them were about to enter an exclusive restaurant that evening, the boss was walking slightly ahead of Arlene and her husband.. He stopped suddenly, looking down on the pavement for a long, silent moment..
Arlene wondered if she was supposed to pass him. There was nothing on the ground except a single darkened penny that someone had dropped, and a few cigarette butts Still silent, the man reached down and picked up the penny.
He held it up and smiled, then put it in his pocket as if he had found a great treasure. How absurd! What need did this man have for a single penny? Why would he even take the time to stop and pick it up?
Throughout dinner, the entire scene nagged at her. Finally, she could stand it no longer. She casually mentioned that her daughter once had a coin collection, and asked if the penny he had found had been of some value..
A smile crept across the man's face as he reached into his pocket for the penny and held it out for her to see. She had seen many pennies before! What was the point of this?
"Look at it." He said. "Read what it says." She read the words " United States of America "
"No, not that; read further."
"One cent?" "No, keep reading."
"In God we Trust ?" "Yes!" "And?"
"And if I trust in God, the name of God is holy, even on a coin. Whenever I find a coin I see that inscription. It is written on every single United States coin, but we never seem to notice it! God drops a message right in front of me telling me to trust Him? Who am I to pass it by? When I see a coin, I pray, I stop to see if my trust IS in God at that moment. I pick the coin up as a response to God; that I do trust in Him. For a short time, at least, I cherish it as if it were gold. I think it is God's way of starting a conversation with me. Lucky for me, God is patient and pennies are plentiful!
When I was out shopping today, I found a penny on the sidewalk. I stopped and picked it up, and realized that I had been worrying and fretting in my mind about things I cannot change. I read the words, "In God We Trust ," and had to laugh. Yes, God, I get the message.
It seems that I have been finding an inordinate number of pennies in the last few months, but then, pennies are plentiful! And, God is patient..
Thought for the Day:
If God had a refrigerator, your picture would be on it.
If He had a wallet, your photo would be in it...
He sends you flowers every spring.
He sends you a sunrise every morning Face it, friend - He is crazy about you!
God didn't promise days without pain, laughter without sorrow ,sun without rain, but He did promise strength for the day, comfort for the tears, and light for the way.
If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You always hear the usual stories of pennies on the sidewalk being good luck, gifts from angels, etc. This is the first time I've ever heard this twist on the story. Gives you something to think about.
Several years ago, a friend of mine and her husband were invited to spend the weekend at the husband's employer's home. My friend, Arlene, was nervous about the weekend. The boss was very wealthy, with a fine home on the waterway, and cars costing more than her house.
The first day and evening went well, and Arlene was delighted to have this rare glimpse into how the very wealthy live... The husband's employer was quite generous as a host, and took them to the finest restaurants. Arlene knew she would never have the opportunity to indulge in this kind of extravagance again, so was enjoying herself immensely..
As the three of them were about to enter an exclusive restaurant that evening, the boss was walking slightly ahead of Arlene and her husband.. He stopped suddenly, looking down on the pavement for a long, silent moment..
Arlene wondered if she was supposed to pass him. There was nothing on the ground except a single darkened penny that someone had dropped, and a few cigarette butts Still silent, the man reached down and picked up the penny.
He held it up and smiled, then put it in his pocket as if he had found a great treasure. How absurd! What need did this man have for a single penny? Why would he even take the time to stop and pick it up?
Throughout dinner, the entire scene nagged at her. Finally, she could stand it no longer. She casually mentioned that her daughter once had a coin collection, and asked if the penny he had found had been of some value..
A smile crept across the man's face as he reached into his pocket for the penny and held it out for her to see. She had seen many pennies before! What was the point of this?
"Look at it." He said. "Read what it says." She read the words " United States of America "
"No, not that; read further."
"One cent?" "No, keep reading."
"In God we Trust ?" "Yes!" "And?"
"And if I trust in God, the name of God is holy, even on a coin. Whenever I find a coin I see that inscription. It is written on every single United States coin, but we never seem to notice it! God drops a message right in front of me telling me to trust Him? Who am I to pass it by? When I see a coin, I pray, I stop to see if my trust IS in God at that moment. I pick the coin up as a response to God; that I do trust in Him. For a short time, at least, I cherish it as if it were gold. I think it is God's way of starting a conversation with me. Lucky for me, God is patient and pennies are plentiful!
When I was out shopping today, I found a penny on the sidewalk. I stopped and picked it up, and realized that I had been worrying and fretting in my mind about things I cannot change. I read the words, "In God We Trust ," and had to laugh. Yes, God, I get the message.
It seems that I have been finding an inordinate number of pennies in the last few months, but then, pennies are plentiful! And, God is patient..
Thought for the Day:
If God had a refrigerator, your picture would be on it.
If He had a wallet, your photo would be in it...
He sends you flowers every spring.
He sends you a sunrise every morning Face it, friend - He is crazy about you!
God didn't promise days without pain, laughter without sorrow ,sun without rain, but He did promise strength for the day, comfort for the tears, and light for the way.
If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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