So Tired

I am tired. I am so tired. I am tired physically, emotionally and mentally. I am tired of my heart hurting. I am tired of my body hurting. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired.

I know I sound so negative. Sorry.

I don’t know why I can’t get better. I don’t understand why I still struggle with depression. I don’t get the brain chemistry thing. I know that I feel overwhelmed most of the time. I feel like I am loosing it at least once a day. I hurt. I hurt so very deeply. I feel like I am letting my daughter and husband down every day. I feel like Nate deserves better. He does deserve better. But I don’t want him to leave me. Tonight he said that maybe he is the cause of my illnesses. That is BS. I hate that he would even think for a second that my life would be better without him.

God I can’t take much more. I am getting weaker and not stronger. I feel alone. I feel like I need a break from life and I am so tired of feeling that way. I am so tired in general.

I know there are people in my life that think I need to find strength from within. There is nothing left. The strength is gone. My only hope is God infusing me with His strength. I need a miracle. I need to find some relief from this fatigue, physical and emotional pain.

I am so thankful that I know nothing about drugs or how to get them. Because I truly feel like I want to escape and from what I understand they provide that escape. Funny thing is I have a ton of prescription drugs that would make most normal people feel “good”. For me the Vicodin just takes the edge of my pain. It does not even take it completely away much less make me feel high or “good.”

Nate and I got in a fight (sort of) tonight. I got sick of him feeling like I was criticizing him and I yelled. Maybe I am being hard on him. I think that I am a little bit and he is also being too sensitive. It is crazy because we do the same thing with me. I am oversensitive when he gives me constructive criticism. If I am having a “rough” day I take it personally. I can’t seem to get myself together.

I hate that I am not a partner to Nate. I am a burden. It is almost like I am another child that he needs to take care of.

I still feel like I should be able to pull myself together. Why can’t I? Why can’t I pull myself together? I think I am starting to hate that I can’t. If I continue to feel that way it is going to lead me hating myself. And that is bad. Very bad.

I think I better make a gratitude list.

I am grateful for……

1. The many people who love my daughter

2. The many people who love me

3. Our house. It is messy and chaotic but it keeps us warm and it is ours.

4. Christmas. God gave us Son Jesus. Somehow He fit all his glory and power into a tiny baby so that He could reunite humankind with Himself.

5. Our family loves us and has been very generous with gifts this Christmas.

6. My dog Jenny gives the best doggie kisses and cuddles.

7. We are going to Ohio in two days to see family and our wonderful friends.

8. I am going to be an Aunt.

9. Hugs. Hugs are so great. I need to give and get more of them.

10. My daughter gives fabulous hugs and kisses

Too Long

It has been a whole month since I have written and I am really suffering the consequences. I have not been taking time to take care of myself lately. Vienna has been home more and has tons of energy. I am in the middle of a Fibromyalgia flare up (which means LOTS of pain). So I have been exhausted and sleeping in all of my spare time. Well…….sleeping and Christmas shopping, trying to clean, be a descent mother, wife, family member and friend.

Next year we are going to have to do Christmas differently. I have spent WAY too much precious energy trying to find the perfect presents at the cheapest price. I have become obsessive compulsive about it and it has totally worn me out. It breaks my heart to say this but next year we may just have to do gifts for the kids only or gift cards or something.

Someone told me that a few years ago their whole family gave up giving presents and instead spend a week or weekend away together. I love that idea. Love it! Unfortunately our family is huge and full divorces and re-marriages. But it might work with some folks.

I broke down yesterday. Mostly from exhaustion. My sweet wonderful friend Rebecca took Vienna for the afternoon so I could sleep. Then my amazing hubby took care of V so I could get a haircut and just be out alone for a while.

I was doing better (feeling less depressed) but I have to work at staying that way. I can’t let myself get too tired, stressed, overwhelmed and I cannot neglect taking care of myself. I need to spend time journaling, doing relaxation, praying and reading my Bible. It helps keep me sane.

I still struggle so much with feeling guilty. I hate that I don’t have all the energy to frolic with V in the snow and bake homemade Christmas cookies. She keeps asking me if we can do those things and I just have not felt well enough or had enough energy to do them. I feel guilty. I hate that when I fall apart my house does too. Now a messy house is not the end of the world but a messy chaotic house is stressful and depressing.

I have seen all my doctors this past month. It has been a whirlwind. Medication changes have been made and now I am nauseous almost every day. I am going to go to the Cleveland Clinic at the end of January. Hopefully that team of doctors will be able to help me find a way to treat my Major Depression, Anxiety, Hashimotos Thyroidism, Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, Insomnia Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue and poof make me better.

Going back to the guilt….I saw my psychiatrist yesterday. He told me about the importance of me taking it easy and setting limits. He said to think of myself as someone going through Chemotherapy and that I need to respect the limits of this treatment process. I am trying. But that damn guilt. I feel guilty about all the things I cannot do. I suppose I need to focus on what I can do. Yes I know I need to focus on what I can do. It is just so hard. I am so sad about the many ways I am falling short.

My cousin brought up the idea of having a bucket list at our Christmas celebration. I had one. But so much has changed. So many of my desires have changed. I no longer need to do extraordinary things I just want to be an extraordinary person. I want to be a really good role model for my daughter, love my husband the way he deserves to be loved and serve others. I want to bless the people around me. My bucket list has become very simple. I would like to be healthy enough to have the energy to cook a healthy meal every night. I would like to be able to keep my house picked up and somewhat clean so that we can have people over. I want Vienna to be able to bring her friends over to play. I want to serve God. I want to share His amazing love with all those around me. I want to feel better. But if it is not my destiny to be free from these health issues than I want to live bravely through it. I want to focus on others even if I am in pain and am having trouble seeing past that. I want my daughter to be proud of me. I want her to know that I tried my very best.

I would also like to get better so that I can be more of a partner with my husband. He carries all of the burdens of our family right now. He has a stressful job and a stressful home life. He deserves to be treated like royalty. I want for him to be able to live some of his dreams. I want to see him laugh and enjoy his days without worrying about me. I love him so much and there is so much more I want to give him. He wants to go to Israel someday. I want to make that happen for him.

I am babbling on now. So many thoughts are tumbling out because it has been so long since I have written.

I am not sure if I am going to post this anymore. I have started to feel uncomfortable with so many people knowing my raw thoughts and emotions. I feel very vulnerable. Yet I want other people who struggle with depression to know that they are not alone.